Co-parenting issues

[SMinNJ]

What is the name of your state? NJ

So, a couple of questions. I referred to a cliffhanger yesterday in my dental/medical post, but this is off that topic, so I created a new thread. I hope that is proper protocol.

Dad is NCP. They share joint legal. Dad's parenting time is currently suspended pending psych evals on child and dad and has been for seven months.

Dad wrote to mom's counsel yesterday regarding ortho, advising of his desire to have the insurance finalized before signing financial agreements, and letting her know that he thought mom was responsible for the first $250 regardless. He also mentioned a few issues that he had brought up in letters in Nov. and Dec. Mom's counsel never responded to either letter.

1. Mom's counsel attached a word doc of a letter she claims that she sent to him in December. The odd thing about this letter is that while it is dated Dec. 18, the properties tab show that it was created yesterday, at the same time she sent the email. I tested a few older word docs, saving them and emailing them, and discovered that the only way that I could get the created date to change was by saving the document with a new name... just saving it under the old name modified it, but didn't change the created date. The email from the attorney was emailed with her firm's internal numerical code, so it seems that it wasn't saved with a new name.

Is it worth mentioning anywhere that it seems that mom's counsel created this letter after being called on her non-response by dad?

2. During a conference call in August w/ the judge, the parties, and the GAL, the judge read portions of the court appointed family specialist report, which recommended that the child enter into counseling. Mom's counsel sent a summary of the conference call which states 4. It was recommended by the Court Therapist that child continue individual counseling. I assume child will continue counseling with xxxxx. The counselor referenced has been determined to be an unlicensed counselor in the state of NJ. It seems that the child's last appointment with him was September 20. Dad has asked four times to work with mom to find a counselor for the child.

Mom's counsel finally addressed this issue stating that due to the child's schedule and appts with the custody evaluator and the ortho, there is no time for child to attend counseling, and that they are awaiting the outcome of the evaluator's report before they can consider any counseling for the child.

At the time the letter was allegedly written, the child had one appointment with the ortho (that week) and no appointments with the evaluator, thus having no time doesn't seem to be much of an argument.

Can mom decide to postpone the court's order (which was supposedly made in the best interest of the child) for these reasons?

3. Mom's counsel addressed his past requests regarding the insurance info. She claims that the parents have no control over which insurance goes first, that it is done by birthdays, and that mom has no objection to the ortho submitting the claims as they normally would. As I mentioned in the previous thread, dad's objection is that if they get a court order stating that his insurance is primary, there will be no out of pocket costs for the parents.

He will be sending a proposed consent order to OC. Is it reasonable for him to state that if Mom has truly no objections to doing it as the birthdays dictate, that she should have no objections to paying the full amount, or is that just being snarky?

4. This is minor, but dad has for years been trying to show the court that mom does not want to provide any info to dad regarding the child, so he brings it up to the counsel. He has asked mom four times for a photocopied sample of the child's schoolwork. Child is 13. The school has a website which posts grades, but it doesn't post what the child is learning. Dad has tried to get additional info from the school, but the school tells him he needs to work through the child and mom.

Mom's counsel's response is that the child's schoolwork, when returned, is required to be kept in a binder, and that all tests given must be signed by mom and returned immediately, therefore there is no opportunity for mom to copy the papers.

Dad's thought is that the school would be understanding if they happened to notice that a couple of pages are missing from the binder for a day while mom copied them. Additionally, the child was just off from school for almost two weeks for Christmas, during which time copies could have been made, and there have also been other days off from school when the work could have been copied.

Not a legal question, but is mom's position on this reasonable?

5. Linked to the same issue, the school's website shows absences, but doesn't give reasons for the absences. The child had two absences that dad inquired about. The school will not provide the reasons for the absences to dad. He asked mom about them three times.

Mom's counsel responded that it is unreasonable for mom to report every time the child has a minor cold. She goes on to say that one of the absences was for a sore throat, and the child was taken to the doctor. The other absence was for a regional spelling bee, which dad was not informed of. Dad agrees that it would be unreasonable for mom to tell him about every minor cold, but since mom doesn't communicate, he has no way of knowing whether the child is absent for minor colds or for larger issues. He also does not ask why the child has been late for school six times already this year.

Not a legal question, but is it unreasonable for dad to ask mom to let him know the reasons for absences?

Thanks for your help.

 

[casa]

What is the name of your state? NJ

So, a couple of questions. I referred to a cliffhanger yesterday in my dental/medical post, but this is off that topic, so I created a new thread. I hope that is proper protocol.

Dad is NCP. They share joint legal. Dad's parenting time is currently suspended pending psych evals on child and dad and has been for seven months.

Dad wrote to mom's counsel yesterday regarding ortho, advising of his desire to have the insurance finalized before signing financial agreements, and letting her know that he thought mom was responsible for the first $250 regardless. He also mentioned a few issues that he had brought up in letters in Nov. and Dec. Mom's counsel never responded to either letter.

1. Mom's counsel attached a word doc of a letter she claims that she sent to him in December. The odd thing about this letter is that while it is dated Dec. 18, the properties tab show that it was created yesterday, at the same time she sent the email. I tested a few older word docs, saving them and emailing them, and discovered that the only way that I could get the created date to change was by saving the document with a new name... just saving it under the old name modified it, but didn't change the created date. The email from the attorney was emailed with her firm's internal numerical code, so it seems that it wasn't saved with a new name.

Is it worth mentioning anywhere that it seems that mom's counsel created this letter after being called on her non-response by dad?

No. It's too common to change doc. names throughout various processes. You cannot prove they did NOT simply change the doc. name (sometimes due to adding addtnl docs., sometimes to mis-spelling, sometimes for ease of filing, etc. etc.)

2. During a conference call in August w/ the judge, the parties, and the GAL, the judge read portions of the court appointed family specialist report, which recommended that the child enter into counseling. Mom's counsel sent a summary of the conference call which states 4. It was recommended by the Court Therapist that child continue individual counseling. I assume child will continue counseling with xxxxx. The counselor referenced has been determined to be an unlicensed counselor in the state of NJ. It seems that the child's last appointment with him was September 20. Dad has asked four times to work with mom to find a counselor for the child.

Mom's counsel finally addressed this issue stating that due to the child's schedule and appts with the custody evaluator and the ortho, there is no time for child to attend counseling, and that they are awaiting the outcome of the evaluator's report before they can consider any counseling for the child.

At the time the letter was allegedly written, the child had one appointment with the ortho (that week) and no appointments with the evaluator, thus having no time doesn't seem to be much of an argument.

Can mom decide to postpone the court's order (which was supposedly made in the best interest of the child) for these reasons?

No. Mom cannot. That is Contempt...and has the potential to negatively emotionally impact the child &/or the parent-child relationship(s).
The Court says take the child to therapy~ you take the child to therapy. You make time.

3. Mom's counsel addressed his past requests regarding the insurance info. She claims that the parents have no control over which insurance goes first, that it is done by birthdays, and that mom has no objection to the ortho submitting the claims as they normally would. As I mentioned in the previous thread, dad's objection is that if they get a court order stating that his insurance is primary, there will be no out of pocket costs for the parents.

He will be sending a proposed consent order to OC. Is it reasonable for him to state that if Mom has truly no objections to doing it as the birthdays dictate, that she should have no objections to paying the full amount, or is that just being snarky?

It's false that you cannot choose which ins. to use as primary. Especially if there is a Court Order stating such...which you supply the Dr. with.

If Mom's attorney fights it...THEN argue that if she INSISTS then SHE is responsible for the unnecessary balance accrued.

4. This is minor, but dad has for years been trying to show the court that mom does not want to provide any info to dad regarding the child, so he brings it up to the counsel. He has asked mom four times for a photocopied sample of the child's schoolwork. Child is 13. The school has a website which posts grades, but it doesn't post what the child is learning. Dad has tried to get additional info from the school, but the school tells him he needs to work through the child and mom.

Mom's counsel's response is that the child's schoolwork, when returned, is required to be kept in a binder, and that all tests given must be signed by mom and returned immediately, therefore there is no opportunity for mom to copy the papers.

Dad's thought is that the school would be understanding if they happened to notice that a couple of pages are missing from the binder for a day while mom copied them. Additionally, the child was just off from school for almost two weeks for Christmas, during which time copies could have been made, and there have also been other days off from school when the work could have been copied.

Not a legal question, but is mom's position on this reasonable?

I believe Mom's position is reasonable. Dad already has the Right to access child's grades/attendance/school records. He has the Right to attend Parent-Teacher, Back-To-School Night, etc. The child is 13 and able to communicate effectively at that age. There is no reason for him NOT to be aware of what his child is learning. If he is simply curious as to what the state's curriculim is for an 8th grader- that's on the District/State's educational sites.

5. Linked to the same issue, the school's website shows absences, but doesn't give reasons for the absences. The child had two absences that dad inquired about. The school will not provide the reasons for the absences to dad. He asked mom about them three times.

Mom's counsel responded that it is unreasonable for mom to report every time the child has a minor cold. She goes on to say that one of the absences was for a sore throat, and the child was taken to the doctor. The other absence was for a regional spelling bee, which dad was not informed of. Dad agrees that it would be unreasonable for mom to tell him about every minor cold, but since mom doesn't communicate, he has no way of knowing whether the child is absent for minor colds or for larger issues. He also does not ask why the child has been late for school six times already this year.

Not a legal question, but is it unreasonable for dad to ask mom to let him know the reasons for absences?

It IS reasonable for Mom to let Dad know if/when kiddo is sick & missing school. Absolutely.

Thanks for your help.

All this is IMO.

 

[casa]

This is a perfect case for the New Order to include a stipulation that parties attend Mediation for any conflicts in the future. Dad sure doesn't want to continue this Merry-Go-Round of litigation for years to come.

 

[SMinNJ]

Post to provide additional info regarding the school stuff... since dad currently has no parenting time, he has no way of seeing any of her work nor asking her what she is learning. When he has asked for the school to provide that info, he has been told that he needs to communicate with the child and mom.

At the time of Back to School Night, he was informed that he should not attend because the child would be present.

The school scheduled the original parent teacher conferences with the residential parents and gave no notice to my husband. Additionally, when he has asked for an additional parent teacher conference with him, he has been told 1.) that the child is doing well so there is nothing to discuss, and 2.) It would be too unwieldy to do the conferences he's requesting because all seven of her teachers would need to be available at the same time 3.) that if he were to have a parent teacher conference, the school would notify mom so that she could be present. They automatically tell her about each communication they have with him, but they have never told him about their communications with her, stating that it would be impossible for them to keep him informed of the daily interactions they have with her - so he needs to communicate with her directly. He would prefer to not have her at a conference, not because he doesn't want her to know what they are talking about, but because of the repeated nasty comments she has made in the past at joint conferences. He has documentation in the form of her letters to the school which make it clear that she feels that he is difficult, overbearing, and impossible for the school to deal with, and she expresses all of those things at the conferences. One would think that the dramatics would clue them in to what has been going on with them, but her hand butters the toast, so that's where their allegiance seems to lie.

As for the mediation issue, as I mentioned yesterday, there have been two other post judgment motions brought by mom, and each time, they end in dad's favor, but by the end of it, the judges seem to be so tired of the whole affair that they refuse to adjudicate anything but the main issue. So, in the first motion, mom wanted to restrict dad from ever taking the child for medical care. Dad and his attorney crossed with a parenting plan that included mediation and specific guidelines for what sort of responsibilities each party had in terms of notifying the other. The judge ignored all issues other than the medical care issue. In the second, mom sought supervised visitation only. Dad crossed with the same parenting plan as previous, and rules as to what would happen to each party if they violated the terms. He also requested make-up time for the year of interrupted parenting time. The judge talked to the child after a year and reinstated the old parenting plan immediately (I mean to begin that very night), and refused to consider any other item in the motions, on both sides. No parenting plan, no make-up time, nothing.

Anyway, not arguing, just providing further clarification. Thanks for your input.

 

[StampGirl]

As far as scheduling conferences with teachers, why doesn't he do what my Ex does? Have him request phone conferences w/each teacher at their convienence. My Ex has a complicated work scheudule so phone conferences work well.

 

[casa]

Post to provide additional info regarding the school stuff... since dad currently has no parenting time, he has no way of seeing any of her work nor asking her what she is learning. When he has asked for the school to provide that info, he has been told that he needs to communicate with the child and mom.

At the time of Back to School Night, he was informed that he should not attend because the child would be present.

That situation is temporary though. It's the exception to the Rule. It won't be forever. Unless child's grades have drastically dropped~ it's not a hill worth dying on. He needs to focus on getting contact back & jumping through the hoops to get there.(unfortunately)

The school scheduled the original parent teacher conferences with the residential parents and gave no notice to my husband. Additionally, when he has asked for an additional parent teacher conference with him, he has been told 1.) that the child is doing well so there is nothing to discuss, and 2.) It would be too unwieldy to do the conferences he's requesting because all seven of her teachers would need to be available at the same time 3.) that if he were to have a parent teacher conference, the school would notify mom so that she could be present. They automatically tell her about each communication they have with him, but they have never told him about their communications with her, stating that it would be impossible for them to keep him informed of the daily interactions they have with her - so he needs to communicate with her directly. He would prefer to not have her at a conference, not because he doesn't want her to know what they are talking about, but because of the repeated nasty comments she has made in the past at joint conferences. He has documentation in the form of her letters to the school which make it clear that she feels that he is difficult, overbearing, and impossible for the school to deal with, and she expresses all of those things at the conferences. One would think that the dramatics would clue them in to what has been going on with them, but her hand butters the toast, so that's where their allegiance seems to lie.

The issues re; the school following FERPA laws...is separate. Did those enforcement/form letters from deltabravo help?

As for the mediation issue, as I mentioned yesterday, there have been two other post judgment motions brought by mom, and each time, they end in dad's favor, but by the end of it, the judges seem to be so tired of the whole affair that they refuse to adjudicate anything but the main issue. So, in the first motion, mom wanted to restrict dad from ever taking the child for medical care. Dad and his attorney crossed with a parenting plan that included mediation and specific guidelines for what sort of responsibilities each party had in terms of notifying the other. The judge ignored all issues other than the medical care issue. In the second, mom sought supervised visitation only. Dad crossed with the same parenting plan as previous, and rules as to what would happen to each party if they violated the terms. He also requested make-up time for the year of interrupted parenting time. The judge talked to the child after a year and reinstated the old parenting plan immediately (I mean to begin that very night), and refused to consider any other item in the motions, on both sides. No parenting plan, no make-up time, nothing.

Anyway, not arguing, just providing further clarification. Thanks for your input.

I think we agree that Dad's attorney wasn't aware of how aggressive he needed to be with this woman. It takes a Competent attorney to handle alienation tactics with force in court - without feeding into the alienator's 'victim' mentality. It's a thin line to walk.

Some of this is in the process of being remedied. I just hope Dad focuses on the MAJOR issues first...especially since this Judge tires of multiple issues.

 

[penelope10]

Just a quick question--at the beginning of the post (if I'm reading this correctly) Dad's time with daughter is suspended awaiting a psych evaluation on both)? Or has this been lifted?
Are Dad and daughter supposed to go to some of these sessions together---if so why does Mom have total control over picking a Dr. Can't Dad provide a list of Dr's and have Mom pick one out if she she refuses to be more pro-active?


As far as being absent from school for two days---that's not a lot of time to have missed. Mom has answered that question, a cold once, and a sore throat for which the child was taken to the doctor. If this was a serious medical condition, Dad has every right to know what is going on--in fact he has the right to know when his child is ill, but a cold and sore throat is no big deal and he should not be making a big deal out of it.

I really don't understand why he feels compelled to see his kid's school papers. He can see her grades and see that she is doing well. If she wasn't then there might be an issue of concern. At thirteen my daughter does her school work independently and really doesn't need a lot of help. I don't demand to see her papers. She fills me in on what is going on with school and anything she can't handle I help her with.

Sounds like Dad can go to parent teacher conferences if he wishes (or at least he used to). If ex is going to be there he needs to suck it up. I think the school was telling the truth when they stated that it would be difficult to round up teachers just for a separate conference with him. At my daughter's school they have open house, not conferences in middle school. These open houses are long enough that I go at the beginning and my ex goes at the end.

As far as the the dental insurance, I do kind of see the point if it would save both Mom and Dad money.

Sorry if I may sound rude, it's just some of these things don't sound like a problem. Some sound more like a control issue on the part of both Mom and Dad.

 

[SMinNJ]

I think we agree that Dad's attorney wasn't aware of how aggressive he needed to be with this woman. It takes a Competent attorney to handle alienation tactics with force in court - without feeding into the alienator's 'victim' mentality. It's a thin line to walk.

Some of this is in the process of being remedied. I just hope Dad focuses on the MAJOR issues first...especially since this Judge tires of multiple issues.

Dad has had two separate attorneys in the past, both of whom had opposed mom's counsel previously. Honestly, the second attorney said that she had never seen a more difficult opposing counsel. I've done separate research on mom's attorney and it seems that all she handles are abused women cases. I understand that counsel will believe what mom tells her, but I know after being married to this man for over 6 years, he is not an abuser, either physically or emotionally, which is what mom has always claimed.

The only part that will actually be remedied is the suspension of parenting time, dad believes. He had a eval appointment with the child last week, and things went reasonably well. Most of what the child said was typical, "I don't like rules" stuff. She complained to dad that even though he doesn't raise his voice, she knows when he is disappointed by something she has done, and it makes her feel bad because she wants to make everyone happy. Dad's response was that he doesn't want to make her feel bad, but he can't stop parenting her and he has to let her know when she does something wrong. He asked her if she had talked to anyone about these problems, and she said no, because she didn't want to disappoint him, and her mom always overreacts. There was a lot of other stuff said, but it mainly went along those lines, and the evaluator didn't seem to be impressed by the child's concerns. There's a conference call next month, but there is some question as to whether the eval report will be in on time. So, from that appointment, dad thinks there was nothing that would force the evaluator to recommend termination of parenting time, or even supervised time. Mom's claim is that child is terrified to see dad, and child didn't seem to be troubled in the appointment. She spoke freely and confidently about what her concerns were, and dad is certain that if there is a full-time counselor around who can help her, and them, to keep understanding each other, things will be fine.

In NJ, judges rotate regularly out of family court. In four actions, there have been four different judges, so it's not one judge that gets tired of all the issues - it's a general pattern.

The FERPA letter has been used in the past, and the school has sent a copy of their records, which was incredibly spotty and included no grades or attendance records. The school has informed dad that they sent him everything they have (dad is confused as to how they do not have a complete list of her grades available - she's been in the school first - eighth grade), and they say that it is impractical for them to send copies to him of what they send to mom.

Regarding the phone conferences, dad tried that. They are not keen on phone conferences first all, because they have some sort of form they fill out at each conference, and for some reason they can't figure out the mechanism to do that with phone conferences. They also still require mom to be on the phone conference, and when dad tried, mom refused to be available when everyone else was (and dad pretty much said he was always available), so no conference could be scheduled. Mom was pretty much giving her available time as the time the teachers were in class, because the rest of the time she was spending with the child.

I laughed at the Back to School night comment about the lack of parenting time being temporary... Last year, when he was allowed to go, he called the school twice to get the school calendar, and was told there wasn't one published. He asked when Back to School night was scheduled for, and he was told it hadn't been scheduled yet. Imagine his surprise when he found out it had been held the night before his phone call. The year before, mom had said she'd send him the information about back to school night. Imagine his surprise when he called his daughter for a court ordered phone call and discovered that she was in the gym of the school while her mom was at back to school night. Unfortunately, we were 1 1/2 hour away at my parents' house for dinner, and couldn't run over to the school. The year before was the same issue with the calendar.

Even when he has had conferences, the school shifts the rules. In elementary school, he managed to have one without her there, and he and the teacher discussed the problem of the child's homework not making it to him. The teacher sent homework home on a weekly basis, with a signature sheet. They arranged that the teacher would expect to see his signature every other week (to correspond with his EOW), and if she didn't see it, she would give him a call. Mom complied with that, until mom decided she didn't want to and went to the teacher to tell her that dad would no longer be seeing the originals, and instead mom would photocopy for him. The teacher didn't contact dad to see if that plan was acceptable. Of course, mom didn't photocopy the records and the teacher refused to return his calls. He tried to get the principal involved, but he got the same answer, "You need to work with mom, we can't get in the middle." So, he really does know its a lost cause, and he is focusing on his hoop jumping skills, which have been perfected over the years.

It's funny, in the potentially created letter, mom's attorney says that mom is agreeable to a phone call over the Christmas holiday... oddly enough, that call never came, and mom's counsel never followed up... how convenient

 

[penelope10]

Just wanted to add---instead of calling about Open House--why doesn't he just go into the school and ask the principal for a copy of events planned. Open House is a pretty big deal and at the beginning of the school year they'll know when it is supposed to be.

He can tell ex then open house is from 6:00 to 7:00. I plan on going from 6:30 to 7:00. Or I can go from 6:00 to 6:30 if you plan on being there with daughter at that time. Period. He does have a right to go up to the school even if he can't be with his daughter.

At thirteen I don't sign homework unless it's a failing grade and the teacher wants to make sure I know about it.

 

[SMinNJ]

Just a quick question--at the beginning of the post (if I'm reading this correctly) Dad's time with daughter is suspended awaiting a psych evaluation on both)? Or has this been lifted?.

Thanks for your comments. Dad's time is suspended. Dad has been to four sessions. The child, because mom has a problem with scheduling, has now been to two, one with dad and one without.

Are Dad and daughter supposed to go to some of these sessions together---if so why does Mom have total control over picking a Dr. Can't Dad provide a list of Dr's and have Mom pick one out if she she refuses to be more pro-active?.

Mom refuses to give dad her medical insurance. Dad has suggested multiple doctors from his insurance, and mom has refused to discuss. As stated in the most recent letter from OC, mom's position is that the child has no time to follow the court order into counseling. Since dad has no parenting time, he cannot get the child to counseling. So, even if dad got it to happen, he is still stuck with mom's claim that the child has no time to attend.

A previous order had the child going to counseling. Mom only complied with that when she was about to file pj motions. Dad tried to get child into family counseling with him in the spring, and mom refused because she claimed that the counselor didn't require the child to be present. The family counselor did not have hours on dad's dinner nights or his Saturdays, so he needed mom's cooperation then.

As far as being absent from school for two days---that's not a lot of time to have missed. Mom has answered that question, a cold once, and a sore throat for which the child was taken to the doctor. If this was a serious medical condition, Dad has every right to know what is going on--in fact he has the right to know when his child is ill, but a cold and sore throat is no big deal and he should not be making a big deal out of it..

The first absence was in the beginning of November and the second absence was in the middle of December. Dad wrote a total of three letters that requested the information regarding the absences, and mom ignored them. He's not making a big deal out of the fact that she has a sore throat, and doesn't dispute that mom is providing medical care for the child... he just has no way of knowing what an absence is for unless mom tells him, and mom refuses to tell him these things unless they interfere with his parenting time. The child once had ringworm, came over for parenting time, and mom still refused to tell dad what the prescription she sent was for... dad had to call the pediatrician because the mother refused to tell. His problem is that the small things could be big problems since he's never told what's going on.

I really don't understand why he feels compelled to see his kid's school papers. He can see her grades and see that she is doing well. If she wasn't then there might be an issue of concern. At thirteen my daughter does her school work independently and really doesn't need a lot of help. I don't demand to see her papers. She fills me in on what is going on with school and anything she can't handle I help her with..

Not to argue here at all, but you answered your own question here - your daughter fills you in on what is going on in school... he doesn't get to talk to his, so he has no idea... Additionally, while she is quite capable of doing her own work, part of their relationship has always been to learn together. If she was studying the Revolution in school, he'll get a book to read about it too, so they can discuss things. He taught her how to diagram goofy sentences and how to do algebra... they're both kind of nerds , so for him not to know what she is learning is a big deal. It is drastically changing the father/daughter dynamic. But, as CASA said, not a sword to die on now.

Sounds like Dad can go to parent teacher conferences if he wishes (or at least he used to). If ex is going to be there he needs to suck it up. I think the school was telling the truth when they stated that it would be difficult to round up teachers just for a separate conference with him. At my daughter's school they have open house, not conferences in middle school. These open houses are long enough that I go at the beginning and my ex goes at the end..

Her school has conferences, not open houses, and they do this individual teacher thing for each of the residential parents. The school, however, will not mandate that dad has to be there for mom's conferences, just that if dad wants a conference, mom has to be informed and must be present, if she chooses. Since she always chooses, there is always a scheduling issue or a snarky issue - she has actually screamed at him in the middle of one conference when he mentioned the fact that he is dyslexic and had concerns about some misspellings in their daughter's work, because they resembled problems he had... Talk about unfair to the teachers, and putting them in the middle. But yes, you are right, if he could get her to agree to a schedule, he could get the conferences.

Sorry if I may sound rude, it's just some of these things don't sound like a problem. Some sound more like a control issue on the part of both Mom and Dad.

You don't sound rude. I agree that some of them seem to be a matter of control, but I think that in large part, it is because mom refuses to comply anywhere, so he has to stand up for every single situation... People will always say that dad has to give in on some of the lighter issues - the problem becomes that mom should as well, but doesn't, so if dad stops seeing the child's work, stops knowing about the child's health, stops making regular phone calls because of interferene, stops forcing mom to comply with the letter of the law, so to speak, dad and the child end up losing their relationship.

It's been a long history, and I've been here for most of it, and while I'm obviously biased , I think in the long run, mom's personality is such that she would eliminate dad all together. As her mother once told my husband, "Move on with your life, you've got a new wife, you can forget about child..." is her philosophy, and she doesn't seem to understand that divorce didn't end the moral responsibility my husband feels to raise his daughter.

 

[SMinNJ]

Just wanted to add---instead of calling about Open House--why doesn't he just go into the school and ask the principal for a copy of events planned. Open House is a pretty big deal and at the beginning of the school year they'll know when it is supposed to be.

He can tell ex then open house is from 6:00 to 7:00. I plan on going from 6:30 to 7:00. Or I can go from 6:00 to 6:30 if you plan on being there with daughter at that time. Period. He does have a right to go up to the school even if he can't be with his daughter.

At thirteen I don't sign homework unless it's a failing grade and the teacher wants to make sure I know about it.

I feel like one of those people who make excuses for why a situation has to stay horrible... This year, the school didn't have a calendar published until November. Their online calendar feature didn't work until Christmas break. And like I said, they have either lied or mislead him in the past when he specifically asked when Back-to-School night was.

The GAL recommended that he not attend the school events when the child would be present, and as we all know, if the GAL recommends, you do...

His understanding about the parental signature is the same as yours, that it is only if the grade is a C or below, is the rule... but it hardly matters because he doesn't see the papers. The school gives back all the child's schoolwork which is then placed in a binder for the child to study from. The requirement is that the schoolwork must stay in the binder so that it doesn't get lost. Mom is using this requirement to say she will never have an opportunity to make any photocopies for dad. Once again, he didn't ask for everything, just maybe an essay or some tests, so he could see what she was learning.

Like everyone says, not a big deal in the long term, just a petty annoyance...

Thanks again.

Again, thanks for your input

 

[StampGirl]

Correct me if I am off-base here but this whole thread sounds just like my Ex and his Wifey. I am not saying you are them because I know that you are not.

Ex and Wifey always complain: You don't send us the calender, notify of school events, if the kids have the sniffles, miss school, didn't send the math quiz from 2 weeks ago that was worth 5 pts etc etc ad nauseum.

I refuse to email at every sniffle, sneeze or cough or vomit each of three children have. I am WAY TOO BUSY with school, work and taking care of the kids to deal with petty nonsense.

Maybe Dad just needs to walk into the school office (more effective than a phone call) with his paperwork that they have joint legal custody and whatever paperwork that pertains to FERPA to show them that they HAVE to give him the schedules, grades etc.

If he has access to them online, then USE IT. Our mediator told my Ex that he was being ridiculous to expect me to give him copies of everthing when its available online or via a phone call or visit to the school (he is there 2 fridays a month to pick the kids up).

Dad needs to learn what is a BIG DEAL and what isn't. Just my non-legal opinion but one from a CP who deals with a NCP and Step who sound very controlling and demanding.

 

[penelope10]

Thanks for your comments. Dad's time is suspended. Dad has been to four sessions. The child, because mom has a problem with scheduling, has now been to two, one with dad and one without.



Mom refuses to give dad her medical insurance. Dad has suggested multiple doctors from his insurance, and mom has refused to discuss. As stated in the most recent letter from OC, mom's position is that the child has no time to follow the court order into counseling. Since dad has no parenting time, he cannot get the child to counseling. So, even if dad got it to happen, he is still stuck with mom's claim that the child has no time to attend.

A previous order had the child going to counseling. Mom only complied with that when she was about to file pj motions. Dad tried to get child into family counseling with him in the spring, and mom refused because she claimed that the counselor didn't require the child to be present. The family counselor did not have hours on dad's dinner nights or his Saturdays, so he needed mom's cooperation then.




The first absence was in the beginning of November and the second absence was in the middle of December. Dad wrote a total of three letters that requested the information regarding the absences, and mom ignored them. He's not making a big deal out of the fact that she has a sore throat, and doesn't dispute that mom is providing medical care for the child... he just has no way of knowing what an absence is for unless mom tells him, and mom refuses to tell him these things unless they interfere with his parenting time. The child once had ringworm, came over for parenting time, and mom still refused to tell dad what the prescription she sent was for... dad had to call the pediatrician because the mother refused to tell. His problem is that the small things could be big problems since he's never told what's going on.



Not to argue here at all, but you answered your own question here - your daughter fills you in on what is going on in school... he doesn't get to talk to his, so he has no idea... Additionally, while she is quite capable of doing her own work, part of their relationship has always been to learn together. If she was studying the Revolution in school, he'll get a book to read about it too, so they can discuss things. He taught her how to diagram goofy sentences and how to do algebra... they're both kind of nerds , so for him not to know what she is learning is a big deal. It is drastically changing the father/daughter dynamic. But, as CASA said, not a sword to die on now.



Her school has conferences, not open houses, and they do this individual teacher thing for each of the residential parents. The school, however, will not mandate that dad has to be there for mom's conferences, just that if dad wants a conference, mom has to be informed and must be present, if she chooses. Since she always chooses, there is always a scheduling issue or a snarky issue - she has actually screamed at him in the middle of one conference when he mentioned the fact that he is dyslexic and had concerns about some misspellings in their daughter's work, because they resembled problems he had... Talk about unfair to the teachers, and putting them in the middle. But yes, you are right, if he could get her to agree to a schedule, he could get the conferences.




You don't sound rude. I agree that some of them seem to be a matter of control, but I think that in large part, it is because mom refuses to comply anywhere, so he has to stand up for every single situation... People will always say that dad has to give in on some of the lighter issues - the problem becomes that mom should as well, but doesn't, so if dad stops seeing the child's work, stops knowing about the child's health, stops making regular phone calls because of interferene, stops forcing mom to comply with the letter of the law, so to speak, dad and the child end up losing their relationship.

It's been a long history, and I've been here for most of it, and while I'm obviously biased , I think in the long run, mom's personality is such that she would eliminate dad all together. As her mother once told my husband, "Move on with your life, you've got a new wife, you can forget about child..." is her philosophy, and she doesn't seem to understand that divorce didn't end the moral responsibility my husband feels to raise his daughter.

Does Dad have joint custody (I mean I know right now temporarily there is no visitation)
or at least custody. If so, I'd go up to the school and let them know that they need to inform him of conferences etc. irregardless of who the child lives with most of the time.

After this mess gets settled he also needs to make sure that he is listed as an emergency contact on school records as legally he has the right to know about medical conditions. He can take the decree with him if so needed.

I am the custodial parent and when grades are mailed out (like during the holidays) my ex also receives a copy in the mail. I'm sure the school does this because legally they have to.
Regular report cards come home to my house. Daughter also shows them to Dad.

As far as being involved in homework, I think its great that Dad did this, but sadly as kids get older they become more independent and sometimes feel Mom or Dad is intrusive. He may need to find other ways to bond once this mess is finally straightened out.

Good luck, hope this all works out!

 

[SMinNJ]

Update...

This is not the best thread to for me to update, but it looks like the appropriate thread "Need quick answer re: GAL" was closed, probably cuz we started talking religion, not law :-(...

Quick summary - dad is ncp, parenting time suspended. Psych evals done on child & dad. Eval states that dad has leaning to NPD. All parties agree that dad and child will go into separate therapy, eventually joint therapy. Dad's counselor is to have experience with NPD. Reunification is the goal, conference call between parties 60 days after counseling starts to evaluate potential contact.

So, the GAL has now, about three weeks after their conference call, provided the ordered proposal of a consent order stating this stuff. It erroneously states that dad was diagnosed with NPD (eval report says that there is a "leaning to markers of NPD").

GAL wrote a cover letter indicating how the parties should handle agreeing/disagreeing with the consent order as well as sending each party the consent order. He cc:ed this to the 13 year old child, which dad doesn't agree with, specifically since the error re: the diagnosis is in there and has now been seen by the child in writing. But, no big deal I guess.

Dad recently received a certified letter from the child's principal, after dad requested information about an absence the child had for a school activity. Dad had written three emails to the school over the last three months, none of which received responses. Certified letter stated that the school had responded to each, which revolved around child's absences from school. Apparently, one was for a funeral, and one was just that mom called the child out from school, with no explanation given by the school. The third was for an academic competition in which the child was involved. Principal claimed they would have called dad, but they don't have his phone number. Funny to see that in writing, since the child has been in the school since 1st grade (she's now in 8th grade), dad has submitted emergency card information each year (including this year and a card for next year's registration - both of which had his cell number and our home phone) and dad's number hasn't changed in all of that time. Dad doesn't even know how to address that one - talk about feeling like an invisible man. Of course, the letter was copied to mom...cuz that's what they do

This is really just an update...