When is enough enough?

[pa_ak]

What is the name of your state?

Please let me apologize in advance if this is not the appropriate place for my question since
it is more a philisophical question that I am really struggling with...and am hoping those of you that have been through this may be able to share your thoughts...

At what point do you as the CP say I'm tired of the bs and lies on the NCPs part and take the "kid gloves" off and quit taking the higher road for the kids sake?

I have been doing this for years and even decided when his attorney did not respond to my request for payment of health care expenses to "let it ride" until the modification was finalized. The after his attorney made a fool of herself (in my opinion) by asking the judge if he overlooked reducing the idget's monthly obligation, I figured it wasn't worth talking to her about again and had pretty much decided to let it be...the amount is approximately
$3K since he has to pay for all expenses even if insurance was available since he didn't provide it...the modified ordered now says he is only responsible for 25% of uncovered expenses...that equates to approximately $750...and up until this morning when he adamantly refused to pay I was just going to write it off because it wasn't worth arguing over...

Now though, I am at the point I'm tired of taking the high road why he gets to take all the vacations he wants to see his girlfriend (he posts about them on myspace) yet tells the judge he can't afford to see his kids or pay for insurance...sorry to whine...am just trying to relay my frustration...

When, if ever, is it okay to take of the gloves and fight back? I know that I should continue to take the high road for the kids but when is enough enough? I am really struggling with this as an ethical/moral dilemma....

Any and all insight/opinions would be appreciated...

 

[CourtClerk]

It's always ok to fight back, legally. It's never ok to stoop to their level.

It's also never a good idea to do things to aggravate yourself. Stop reading his myspace page. Who cares what he does, where he goes, what he buys? That's just my opinion and the opinion of someone who until 2 weeks ago, didn't receive a CS check for 12 years. I refused to go back and forth into court. I refused to argue, fuss, and fight knowing the only person that was going to be irritated in the end was me. I simply didn't care. If I needed more money, I got a second job. I did what I had to do for me any my kiddo - and we live LOVELY now. Several years of very hard work, growing up and not paying attention to him paid off.

All of a sudden, out of no where, he asked to modify an order he wasn't even paying. I waived all but about 4K of the arrears, agreed to cut the order in half and I left. Again, I didn't give a da*m WHAT he did (throw out a number and whatever it was was fine with me), my household is GOOD. He probably thinks he won. I'll let him have that. I don't need his money anyway (besides, according to his income statements verified by CSSD, I make twice what he does)

People have to leave the emotion out of it. No one has guarantees in life. The only ones you do have are the ones you set up for yourself, and even that not so much anymore. Look around, you'll always find someone doing worse off than you are in this world. Be greatful for what you DO have, and stop worrying about what you DON'T have. Someone's kids in this world don't even have insurance period.... you're worried about 25% of unreimbursed medical. Someone in this world doesn't have the 75% paid.

 

[stealth2]

Why do you read his myspace? Heck - why do you even KNOW his myspace? Talk about a waste of time.

 

[pa_ak]

I didn't read it...

a mutual friend sent it to me...thought I should know...

 

[Isis1]

i really hate those ever so meaningful mutual friends

 

[Silverplum]

Now though, I am at the point I'm tired of taking the high road why he gets to take all the vacations he wants to see his girlfriend (he posts about them on myspace) yet tells the judge he can't afford to see his kids or pay for insurance...sorry to whine...am just trying to relay my frustration...

When, if ever, is it okay to take of the gloves and fight back? I know that I should continue to take the high road for the kids but when is enough enough? I am really struggling with this as an ethical/moral dilemma....

Any and all insight/opinions would be appreciated...

It IS in good part because you viewed his myspace page that you are now discontented and angry. You were doing well, taking care of your own business, till then.

What is your definition of "taking off the gloves and fighting back"?

 

[nextwife]

Personally, I believe every word that someone writes on their MySpace blog to be the utter truth, and to contain no embellishments, mistatements or bravado. Because nobody has every been known to overstate, lie or stretch any truth when they post there.

 

[pa_ak]

Thank you Court Clerk

thank you for your insight...and in my head I know these things to be true...it just got so overwhelming after all the lies that were told during the modification process and the motions that were filed in a state where i never lived in an attempt to draw out the process that i just wondered how everyone else dealt with it...

I truly appreciate your insight and the words of wisdom you imparted...and I thank you for your guidance...

 

[pa_ak]

What is your definition of "taking off the gloves and fighting back"?

stooping to his "dirty pool" tactics...I have not done that nor will I because it is not in the best interest of the kids...but sometimes I am tempted...until I realize that would be giving in and letting him win...thanks for letting me voice a concern and "vent"

 

[kirtdemientieff]

child support

I would have to say that you should be happy you don't have to deal with him. It is indeed unfortunate for the kids that he is a jackass, and is not really their dad. You should raise them the best you can. Spend your own hard earned money on them, do it however hard. Let him spend his money, and cavort around, who cares. It is you who can look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of yourself. It is you who will not grow old and be left with regret, dying alone and miserable with yourself from how you lived your life. You need to look at the bigger picture. Stop trying to get his money, it is puny, and meaningless. He isn't escaping anything. You have your pride, and your kids, and the knowledge that you are doing the right thing. Remember that he cannot hide, and you don't even have to chase him. He can no more run away that a rat in a cage can. He is not fast and sexy, he is not a jet setter, he lives a lie, and he knows it, at least hee will eventually know it. there is a time when we get older that we slow down, and we are forced to reflect, think, and we will either smile and know that we did our best, and find comfort in that knowledge, or we will realize we were wrong, and we hurt our own children, and ran amok causing pain and misery to others without regard, and it is then that he will pay his child support. It is unfortunate that it will not necessarily benefit the kids, but when you wrestle with what he is doing, and you wonder where the justice is in it all, think of these words, and be relieved at least for your own sake. Remember your slowing down in your older years, and strive for the smile you will get from a life well lived.

 

[NSA4answers]

thank you for your insight...and in my head I know these things to be true...it just got so overwhelming after all the lies that were told during the modification process and the motions that were filed in a state where i never lived in an attempt to draw out the process that i just wondered how everyone else dealt with it...

I truly appreciate your insight and the words of wisdom you imparted...and I thank you for your guidance...

I'm not a senior, and I have little if any legal advice, but I've been, and sometimes still visit the place you are now.

My ex makes 3x as much money as I do, and I make good money, he just makes better. It's wonderful when I am the one with the college degree and he doesn't hold one. On topd of that, I KNOW he makes more money that he claims that he is making, but since he has not ever filed a financial affidavit or pay stubs... I can't prove it... I don't know why NCP's get away with this... if I just failed to file these things I don't see it going over very well with the judge, but whatever. He consistantly refuses to pay things that he is supposed to. Or he'll pay a portion and leave just enough unpaid to make it not worth the fight in court. He does this with medical bills that he's supposed to reimburse me on most often. It's pathetic if you ask me.

When you do take the kid gloves off...? Don't even bother with the "kid gloves." And I don't mean by saying that to fight him tooth and nail on any and everything. I mean just do what needs to be done, and sleep at night knowing YOU are the best person that YOU can be. Be a strong person and be there for your kid(s) to teach them how to be strong adults.

I am guilty of reading the myspace.... It's pointless. "a friend" even mailed to my home addrss anonymously to check out his gf's myspace. She had pictured of my daugther all over it. I lost it! It didn't benefit me any. Except I got her to take them down eventually because I threatened the hell out of him legally if she didn't. Delete his myspace from your favorites, and don't go there again. Heck delete YOUR myspace if you need to! It's not all that important you realize after it's gone. And you realize just how much time you wasted of your life on myspace.

My ex sits there and lies bold faced in court. It makes me want to jump over the table and strangle the hell out of him and yell you lying POS! However, I don't think that would be beneficial to my case... and they just might commit me, or arrest me... or both. When he lies about his income and since he hasn't filed a pay stub or financial statement worth anything in the entire time of the CS order I feel like telling the judge that he makes WAY more than what he's saying. Making him have to deal with him... 1 the judge doesn't wanna hear our back and forth bickering. Think of it as 2 kids having a fight over who gets to eat the last popsicle... WHO CARES???!?! and 2 Is my life REALLY going to be any less full because he actually makes $4-5 more an hour than he's claiming to be making? Probably not. Could I get the child support order to reflect what he makes and make him and his stupid gf's life miserable and hateful.... probably. But they already have nothing to focus on but me. Their life already sucks.

Let doing your best at being who you are, and the mother you are be your reward. You don't have to prove him for what he already is. He knows it. He KNOWS he's wrong especially when he has to lie to the judge in court. If he didn't know it was wrong, he stupidly tell the truth. Just like a child. Bobby knows when he called sussie a butthead that he was wrong so he lies to mom about it. If you want to fight him on it... take him to court. But fighting HIM isn't gonna get you anywhere. You are not going to be able to convince him to be a good person. Believe me, I know this from experience.

 

[>Charlotte<]

At what point do you as the CP say I'm tired of the bs and lies on the NCPs part and take the "kid gloves" off and quit taking the higher road for the kids sake?

Your children are watching you. Never let yourself be motivated by spite or resentment. Above all else choose to do the right thing, even if it concerns someone who doesn't deserve it.

You do have to play hardball from time to time, but ask yourself: "Am I doing this because I should, or am I doing it because I can?"

 

[pa_ak]

Your children are watching you. Never let yourself be motivated by spite or resentment. Above all else choose to do the right thing, even if it concerns someone who doesn't deserve it.

You do have to play hardball from time to time, but ask yourself: "Am I doing this because I should, or am I doing it because I can?"

Well said and totally appreciated as are all the insights written here...and I always put the kids first...that is why I asked the question here instead of venting on the phone to my best friend for fear they may overhear....

I've really thought about a lot that was written here and I guess my biggest frustration was for the simple fact that after the modification was made, he objected to the income withholding and when that got him nowhere, his mother sent me an email saying it was time to be totally honest in regards to his financial picture and totally contradicted his statement to the court then said he had the perfect solution - he would sign away his rights if i would relieve him of all financial responsiblity; then when they found out that wasn't an option in Alaska (I would have done it because in the long run the kids would have been better off) his attorney sent a letter to the judge asking why his monthly obligation hadn't been reduced as indicated in the judge's order, his telling me I was harassing him by sending the bills as required put me over the top...thus I asked the question when is enough enough...

Again thank you to everyone for your insight...and to NSA4Answers...I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story...

 

[pa_ak]

I would have to say that you should be happy you don't have to deal with him. It is indeed unfortunate for the kids that he is a jackass, and is not really their dad. You should raise them the best you can. Spend your own hard earned money on them, do it however hard. Let him spend his money, and cavort around, who cares. It is you who can look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of yourself. It is you who will not grow old and be left with regret, dying alone and miserable with yourself from how you lived your life. You need to look at the bigger picture. Stop trying to get his money, it is puny, and meaningless. He isn't escaping anything. You have your pride, and your kids, and the knowledge that you are doing the right thing. Remember that he cannot hide, and you don't even have to chase him. He can no more run away that a rat in a cage can. He is not fast and sexy, he is not a jet setter, he lives a lie, and he knows it, at least hee will eventually know it. there is a time when we get older that we slow down, and we are forced to reflect, think, and we will either smile and know that we did our best, and find comfort in that knowledge, or we will realize we were wrong, and we hurt our own children, and ran amok causing pain and misery to others without regard, and it is then that he will pay his child support. It is unfortunate that it will not necessarily benefit the kids, but when you wrestle with what he is doing, and you wonder where the justice is in it all, think of these words, and be relieved at least for your own sake. Remember your slowing down in your older years, and strive for the smile you will get from a life well lived.

truer words have not been spoken or written...thanks...and you are right...he is the one who will regret this...my 10 year old asks me every other week when will he be old enough to legally change his name to my last name...i just say you have to be 18...and don't bad mouth his dad or anything...it's hard and i have to bite my tongue at times but i do it...thanks again

 

[>Charlotte<]

You're welcome. And remember, you've got one thing going for you. If you were just a bitter, spiteful, vengeful ex who didn't care what was fair or right, you wouldn't be asking in the first place. You apparently have hard-wired integrity. You'll be fine.