Work schedule effecting ability to exercise parenting time

[doc2b]

I think that it's possible to make a new parenting plan that allows them the same number of hours and overnights based on a 5 day work week (obviously can't happen with the 6 day workweek, so lets keep fingers crossed that this is temporary). He'll obviously have to take it to the court to get it approved...and mom would not be happy about letting the ROFR clause go because that would leave the kids under my care during the day and she doesn't really care for that idea( I can't say I blame her).

 

[Bloopy]

I guess his questions are:
1. If she petitions to modify based on this change in work schedule, is it something that a judge is likely to hold against him?

What does Dad expect to modify to? EDIT- It's Mom tha wants to modify

By the time a judge hears it the temporary schedule may be over. It seems very opportunistic to even try modify to reduce time when ROFR already is covering the children for such occasions.

I would ask Mom in writing about make-up visitation even though she is under no obligation to comply. If she uses ROFR and is completly inflexible with make-up time, that could reflect poorly on her. ROFR requires parents to work together, people who can work together wouldn't need such a clause IMO.

2. If he seeks/finds another job that will allow him to continue his visitation with the kids as it is now, but it pays less money, would it be a big deal as long as he continues to pay his court ordered amount of CS?

It's been answered. Not a problem.

Points to Dad for wanting to do this. But who's to say the next job won't dicker with his schedule, lay him off...

 

[LdiJ]

He's hoping nothing will change on his weeknight overnights since that schedule isn't changing at all, and he'll fight tooth and nail to get every second he can with the kids. The only permanent change is going to be the every Saturday. His every other Sunday is not supposed to last through the end of July (you know how that goes sometimes), so he'll have Sundays off and one weekday each week. Maybe once things get a little more stable at his job, he can convince them to give him a set day off so that it's easier to try and create a new, plausible parenting plan between the two of them.

If you don't mind my asking, what do you mean by "what mom is bringing to the table"?

I meant this:

She just emailed him last week a "list of concerns" she feels fit to bring before the judge to modify custody, and although they seem really silly, he and I don't really know what's going to matter for him if she takes this to court, too. I can add the list, if it matters in order to answer the questions...just let me know.

 

[doc2b]

What does Dad expect to modify to? EDIT- It's Mom tha wants to modify

By the time a judge hears it the temporary schedule may be over. It seems very opportunistic to even try modify to reduce time when ROFR already is covering the children for such occasions.

I would ask Mom in writing about make-up visitation even though she is under no obligation to comply. If she uses ROFR and is completly inflexible with make-up time, that could reflect poorly on her. ROFR requires parents to work together, people who can work together wouldn't need such a clause IMO.


It's been answered. Not a problem.

Points to Dad for wanting to do this. But who's to say the next job won't dicker with his schedule, lay him off...

I see what you mean about trying to modify for a temporary schedule instead of just using ROFR. This will definitely be an option I discuss with my husband to pursue-it seems to be the most appropriate for a possibly short term situation. His main concern, like I've said, is losing time with the kids. If she's not willing to give him makeup time (and I understand she's not obligated to) I don't know how well he's going to handle it. He's nuts about those kids. He sat down and tried to figure out an alternative schedule to approach her with and see if she would be willing to try it out short term, but from everything I've read on here it sounds like parents should never do anything off the books or without a court order.

Thanks!

 

[doc2b]

I meant this:

I see...I'm kind of dense sometimes

Her list included things like:

having the kids eat what we make over here for dinner even if they don't like it, she doesn't like that they share a bedroom to sleep in (she says we make enough money to afford a bigger home for them, which isn't the case at this moment), we let their daughter play outside in her brothers old pants and shorts (so it doesn't matter if they get dirty, she has her own clothes), they choose to do more of their homework at her house before they come over here for the night which makes her "wonder", my husband has asked them not to play with one of their mom's neighbors kids that pulled a leather punch on the youngest and said he was going to kill her(her response was that his rules don't apply there, which I get but it seems like common sense would tell you that wasn't a good environment for kids to play in unsupervised), and she thinks he's talking badly about her over here (he rarely talks about her at all, kids present or not-she's a real sore spot for him, but he never vents to or around the kids)​

These were the big concerns she had, and has expectations that things will change around here now that they've been addressed, then finishes the email stating that she doesn't appreciate hubby trying to micromanage her home. Huh? Totally confused him there.

 

[Nevergrowup]

but from everything I've read on here it sounds like parents should never do anything off the books or without a court order. Thanks!

Actually, I don't think that is true...they don't have to do anything without a court order, but in the best interest of the kids, sometimes they should. My ex and I barely know what is in our order. We work it out for the sake of our daughter. Whose Christmas is it this year? Not sure, we'll talk about it in a few months. Believe me, we aren't best friends, but I can't stand those parents that nitpick everything...

Your husband's ex doesn't have to agree, but there is no harm in asking her to allow a time change just for the next month or two. If she declines, then he tried, and he needs to make the most of every second he has the kids. Since this is a temporary job situation, I doubt he'll even get to court in time to help with this.

 

[Bloopy]

If Dad does go to court... The 2 hour ROFR is silly.

 

[LdiJ]

I see...I'm kind of dense sometimes

Her list included things like:

having the kids eat what we make over here for dinner even if they don't like it, she doesn't like that they share a bedroom to sleep in (she says we make enough money to afford a bigger home for them, which isn't the case at this moment), we let their daughter play outside in her brothers old pants and shorts (so it doesn't matter if they get dirty, she has her own clothes), they choose to do more of their homework at her house before they come over here for the night which makes her "wonder", my husband has asked them not to play with one of their mom's neighbors kids that pulled a leather punch on the youngest and said he was going to kill her(her response was that his rules don't apply there, which I get but it seems like common sense would tell you that wasn't a good environment for kids to play in unsupervised), and she thinks he's talking badly about her over here (he rarely talks about her at all, kids present or not-she's a real sore spot for him, but he never vents to or around the kids)​

These were the big concerns she had, and has expectations that things will change around here now that they've been addressed, then finishes the email stating that she doesn't appreciate hubby trying to micromanage her home. Huh? Totally confused him there.

Ok, we take the fact that dad will now be working six days a week, all weekend every other weekend, and combine it with mom's complaints, to see how it might play out in court.

Since the children are truly living with you 50% of the time, and even though you won't tell us exactly how many kids there are and their ages, we know that there are at least two of them and at least one boy, and one girl, mom may have basis for complaint about them sharing a room. It all depends on their ages. Since you also have stated that they are school aged, its quite possible that they are reaching the age where they shouldn't be sharing a room anymore. A judge might have an issue with this one.

Its probably no big deal that the little girl wears her brother's old clothes to play in, but its a little wierd, and a school aged little girl might be complaining about that to her mom. That's also the kind of thing that might get her picked on by other kids. Its however not something that would normally concern a judge.....just something that you may want to consider. You could easily get her some very inexpensive girl clothes for play clothes at goodwill or at yard sales, and completely eliminate that issue.

Your husband can't tell the children what to do or not do when they are at her house and she cannot tell the children what to do or not to do when they are at your house. They can each address their concerns with the other parent, but they cannot tell the kids what to do.

So...telling the children not to play with one of mom's neighbor's children...wrong. Calling mom and discussing it with her, and expressing concern...right.

The food thing is probably just silly...but that would depend on how mom "spins" it.

Remember, even the silliest complaint can sometimes be "spun" in such a way to make a judge take notice.

 

[doc2b]

Ok, we take the fact that dad will now be working six days a week, all weekend every other weekend, and combine it with mom's complaints, to see how it might play out in court.

Since the children are truly living with you 50% of the time, and even though you won't tell us exactly how many kids there are and their ages, we know that there are at least two of them and at least one boy, and one girl, mom may have basis for complaint about them sharing a room. It all depends on their ages. Since you also have stated that they are school aged, its quite possible that they are reaching the age where they shouldn't be sharing a room anymore. A judge might have an issue with this one.

Its probably no big deal that the little girl wears her brother's old clothes to play in, but its a little wierd, and a school aged little girl might be complaining about that to her mom. That's also the kind of thing that might get her picked on by other kids. Its however not something that would normally concern a judge.....just something that you may want to consider. You could easily get her some very inexpensive girl clothes for play clothes at goodwill or at yard sales, and completely eliminate that issue.

Your husband can't tell the children what to do or not do when they are at her house and she cannot tell the children what to do or not to do when they are at your house. They can each address their concerns with the other parent, but they cannot tell the kids what to do.

So...telling the children not to play with one of mom's neighbor's children...wrong. Calling mom and discussing it with her, and expressing concern...right.

The food thing is probably just silly...but that would depend on how mom "spins" it.

Remember, even the silliest complaint can sometimes be "spun" in such a way to make a judge take notice.

Thanks, LD!

There are two, a boy and a girl, both first grade. I agree that they deserve their own rooms, it just wasn't a feasible option when we signed a lease for the apartment we're in...we're locked in for another 6 months. After that, I hope (for all our sakes) a bigger place is a possibility.

His daughter doesn't wear these to school, just to play in outside. Once she got her hands on a pair of his jeans to wear (she picks out clothes to wear to school) and liked the way they fit, so we continued to let her...it wasn't her making the complaint, as she chose to wear them. But, she does have her own play clothes to wear, we can just take away the hand me downs and solve the issue.

Mom and Dad did discuss the issue regarding the neighbor kids, and they appeared to have agreed that these weren't the kind of kids that theirs should be playing with. This was the first time that he had heard any different from her...but he had talked to the kids about not going over there after he found out they were playing with them again. I'll tell him to stay out of it from now on

The food thing is a matter of us making something like spaghetti and using a new sauce that they don't like, or grilled cheese with anything other than cheddar, or having them try oatmeal made different ways to see if they like it (we actually found a way that his daughter likes it after a year of experimenting!). It's not like we're eating rattlesnake or liver and onions and making them choke down an extra helping...and they usually have input as to what's for dinner, but we don't let them manipulate us into making chicken nuggets and mac and cheese every night like they want.

I'll share all of this with my husband. Now that you mention "spin" put on these things, I'm kind of starting to get the feeling maybe the kiddos are playing mom and dad a little bit. I'm sure both parents want to believe what the kids are saying in it's entirety, and I know my husband would believe them over his ex any day, but I know I used to do it to my mom and dad to get my way or to make one of them side with me... ugh, if that's starting already I can't wait till they're teenagers.

 

[doc2b]

If Dad does go to court... The 2 hour ROFR is silly.

I agree, and it seems like most people on here agree too, based on a past post I had. But, mom and dad both agreed to it in the original CO, so it sticks. Dad isn't willing to violate the CO because he knows that his ex will drag him to court over it. (He's going on two years since the CO was finalized and hasn't deviated from it once, even a little bit).

 

[LdiJ]

I'll share all of this with my husband. Now that you mention "spin" put on these things, I'm kind of starting to get the feeling maybe the kiddos are playing mom and dad a little bit. I'm sure both parents want to believe what the kids are saying in it's entirety, and I know my husband would believe them over his ex any day, but I know I used to do it to my mom and dad to get my way or to make one of them side with me... ugh, if that's starting already I can't wait till they're teenagers.

Kids definitely will do that. Not all kids, but many.

 

[stepmomndad]

Thanks, LD!
I'll share all of this with my husband. Now that you mention "spin" put on these things, I'm kind of starting to get the feeling maybe the kiddos are playing mom and dad a little bit. I'm sure both parents want to believe what the kids are saying in it's entirety, and I know my husband would believe them over his ex any day, but I know I used to do it to my mom and dad to get my way or to make one of them side with me... ugh, if that's starting already I can't wait till they're teenagers.

I just want to point out that you are exactly correct about playing mom and dad. My daughter will tell me she wants her hair cut a certain way, for instance. Then, at mom's house, she'll tell mom she didn't want it cut, that I made her get it (she knows mom likes her hair long). A lot of kids tell people what they think the person wants to hear.

 

[LdiJ]

I just want to point out that you are exactly correct about playing mom and dad. My daughter will tell me she wants her hair cut a certain way, for instance. Then, at mom's house, she'll tell mom she didn't want it cut, that I made her get it (she knows mom likes her hair long). A lot of kids tell people what they think the person wants to hear.

When my daughter was 12, she told her father's girlfriend that I specifically requested that the girlfriend put highlights in my daughter's hair. (she has hairdressing experience) So she did it. When she found out that not only didn't I request it, but that I had told my daughter no, she was VERY upset with my daughter. I wasn't mad at the girlfriend, I knew that she had gotten conned.

 

[stepmomndad]

When my daughter was 12, she told her father's girlfriend that I specifically requested that the girlfriend put highlights in my daughter's hair. (she has hairdressing experience) So she did it. When she found out that not only didn't I request it, but that I had told my daughter no, she was VERY upset with my daughter. I wasn't mad at the girlfriend, I knew that she had gotten conned.

My daughter's 9. She came to the house for summer break about a week and a half ago. After getting here, she asked to get her mustache waxed (it's very dark) and her hair cut. Her mom agreed to both things and said I can take her, but I don't think my daughter knew I was going to check with mom first.

 

[doc2b]

When my daughter was 12, she told her father's girlfriend that I specifically requested that the girlfriend put highlights in my daughter's hair. (she has hairdressing experience) So she did it. When she found out that not only didn't I request it, but that I had told my daughter no, she was VERY upset with my daughter. I wasn't mad at the girlfriend, I knew that she had gotten conned.

This haircut/style thing must be an old favorite, we're going through that here too