Need advice about OP's girlfriend

[kellypa2678]

What is the name of your state? PA

Need some advice here at to the best way I can deal with some situations happening with my exs girlfriend and our daughter. My ex and I have a 11 year old daughter(turning 12 in July). My ex and I have a pretty good relationship. It hasn't always been like that, as you can see from other posts that I have done here. But that isn't what I need advice on right now. My ex has a girlfriend. She is extremely good to our daughter. That is very important to me and to be honest, I like her too, she is an easy going person. But, lately, in my eyes, has been somewhat over stepping the boundaries with me. Below are acouple examples of what I'm talking about,,,,,

Ex and I grounded our daughter from the computer, phone and video games. My ex's sister called me to see if she could take my daughter swimming and I said yes. So in the afternoon my ex's girlfriend called and wanted to take my daughter swimming at her house, and I say no that she was already swimming with her aunt, and she proceeded to tell me that she thought she wasn't allowed to do anything and was grounded. I told her that daughter was allowed to do what I said she could do and what her father and I agreed on. That was the end of that conversation.

When I am around daughter, ex and his GF, she tries to tell our daughter what to do in front of me and act like her mother. This just makes me uncomfortable. Maybe this is wrong for me to feel like this.

She sends my daughter all kinds of emails saying that she missed her this weekend and that she loves her so much. The girlfriend has only been around since Dec 07(I know this doesn't matter). Again, this might be wrong for me to get upset about.

The last event came in this past weekend. My ex and I had an arguement and my daughter wasn't happy about it. My ex's girlfriend called me and said that I was misinformed and that she was really pissed off and that I needed to call her as soon as I got the message and when she was done, she handed the phone to my daughter and my daughter proceeded to tell me that if I went thru with filing for full custody that she would hate me forever. Yes of course this stung like nothing else I have ever felt before. I talked with my ex the next day and told him he needed to speak with his GF to let her know that was inappropriate. Because I told him that in our court order that we are not allowed to talk deragatory to our child, nor allow our child to talk deragatory of the OP. He said that it came out of our daughters mouth, no his GF, I told him that she was the one that handed the phone to our daughter.

Okay, I understand that some of what I have stated above is just me having the wrong feelings, but what I really need is some real good, stern, advice as to the best way to go about dealing with my ex's GF. I do like her and I don't want that realationship to go badly, but I'm not at any point going to tollerate her over stepping her place in mine and my ex's child's life.

 

[bononos again]

What is the name of your state? PA

Need some advice here at to the best way I can deal with some situations happening with my exs girlfriend and our daughter. My ex and I have a 11 year old daughter(turning 12 in July). My ex and I have a pretty good relationship. It hasn't always been like that, as you can see from other posts that I have done here. But that isn't what I need advice on right now. My ex has a girlfriend. She is extremely good to our daughter. That is very important to me and to be honest, I like her too, she is an easy going person. But, lately, in my eyes, has been somewhat over stepping the boundaries with me. Below are acouple examples of what I'm talking about,,,,,

Ex and I grounded our daughter from the computer, phone and video games. My ex's sister called me to see if she could take daughter swimming and I said yes. So in the afternoon my ex's girlfriend called and wanted to take my daughter swimming at her house, and I say no that she was already swimming with her aunt, and she proceeded to tell me that she thought she wasn't allowed to do anything and was grounded. I told her that daughter was allowed to do what I said she could do and what her father and I agreed on. That was the end of that conversation.

Your confusing the poor woman when she is trying to follow what she was initially told.

When I am around daughter, ex and his GF, she tries to tell our daughter what to do in front of me and act like her mother. This just makes me uncomfortable. Maybe this is wrong for me to feel like this.

She sends my daughter all kinds of emails saying that she missed her this weekend and that she loves her so much. The girlfriend has only been around since Dec 07. Again, this might be wrong for me to get upset about.

The last event came in this past weekend. My ex and I had an arguement and my daughter wasn't happy about it. My ex's girlfriend called me and said that I was misinformed and that she was really pissed off and that I needed to call her as soon as I got the message and when she was done, she handed the phone to my daughter and my daughter proceeded to tell me that if I went thru with filing for full custody that she would hate me forever. Yes of course this stung like nothing else I have ever felt before. I talked with my ex the next day and told him he needed to speak with his GF to let her know that was inappropriate. Because I told him that in our court order that we are not allowed to talk deragatory to our child, nor allow our child to talk deragatory of the OP. He said that it came out of our daughters mouth, no his GF, I told him that she was the one that handed the phone to our daughter.

Okay, I understand that some of what I have stated above is just me having the wrong feelings, but what I really need is some real good, stern, advice as to the best way to go about dealing with my ex's GF. I do like her and I don't want that realationship to go badly, but I'm not at any point going to tollerate her over stepping her place in mine and my ex's child's life.

You seem to be giving her a rope. Your allowing too much involvement and trying to be pals, probably with good intention to make the situation good for your daughter, but your allowing her too much involvement, then yanking it away. She definately overstepped her bounds with the phone call.

Maybe, since all seem to be getting along, a sit down with you, ex, and GF, without your daughter present to calmly discuss the issues might work. Set the ground rules for the GF and don't budge from them. (kind of like you budged when you grounded your daughter)

 

[kellypa2678]

You seem to be giving her a rope. Your allowing too much involvement and trying to be pals, probably with good intention to make the situation good for your daughter, but your allowing her too much involvement, then yanking it away. She definately overstepped her bounds with the phone call.

Maybe, since all seem to be getting along, a sit down with you, ex, and GF, without your daughter present to calmly discuss the issues might work. Set the ground rules for the GF and don't budge from them. (kind of like you budged when you grounded your daughter)

Thank you for your advice. I think that would be the best course of action at this time. A good sit down with us three minus the child. I might not of clarified about the whole grounding part, but I'm pretty sure that she was told by my ex what she was allowed to do and what not, or why else would she call and want to take the child swimming which was really weird to me when I thought back on it. You are right though, I need to set boundaries and make sure they are not broken and stick with them, but I do try to work with my ex and his GF out of the best interest of my daughter. I might have to change that part of it atleast where the GF is considered.

I can tell you that when I told my ex about the phone call he stuck up for his GF totally. Understandably I guess. But I guess my next question would be, what to do if my ex and his GF don't abide by the boundaries I ask of them, his GF I mean.

 

[bononos again]

Thank you for your advice. I think that would be the best course of action at this time. A good sit down with us three minus the child. I might not of clarified about the whole grounding part, but I'm pretty sure that she was told by my ex what she was allowed to do and what not, or why else would she call and want to take the child swimming which was really weird to me when I thought back on it. You are right though, I need to set boundaries and make sure they are not broken and stick with them, but I do try to work with my ex and his GF out of the best interest of my daughter. I might have to change that part of it atleast where the GF is considered.

I can tell you that when I told my ex about the phone call he stuck up for his GF totally. Understandably I guess. But I guess my next question would be, what to do if my ex and his GF don't abide by the boundaries I ask of them, his GF I mean.

Technically, they don't have too abide. It's Ex's time, in his home. You can just pray they can handle this like adults and you can rationally discuss concerns and issues as opposed to throwing rules at them. I didn't mean to make it sould that way in my first response. Use the, "How would you feel if this were your child?" line on her.

 

[kellypa2678]

Technically, they don't have too abide. It's Ex's time, in his home. You can just pray they can handle this like adults and you can rationally discuss concerns and issues as opposed to throwing rules at them. I didn't mean to make it sould that way in my first response. Use the, "How would you feel if this were your child?" line on her.

No I really did know what you meant by your previous response. I'm not that type of person either to give rules to anyone other than my daughter. Yes I think that having him think of it like that would really put things into perspective with how I am feeling towards some of these situations for him. I'm sure once I talk with him and her, things will get better. I hope anyways. Thank you again.

 

[kellypa2678]

Technically, they don't have too abide. It's Ex's time, in his home. You can just pray they can handle this like adults and you can rationally discuss concerns and issues as opposed to throwing rules at them. I didn't mean to make it sould that way in my first response. Use the, "How would you feel if this were your child?" line on her.

Hello, I was looking over my court order and I noticed this paragraph, please see,,,

Both parties shall encourage the child to love and respect the other parties, and shall not state, nor allow others to state, in the presence of the child, any disparaging or derogatory comments about the other party.

Now after seeing this in my court order, do I have enough to "warn" my ex about his girlfriends actions? and if the situations continue, does it warrant legal action?

I'm hoping it never comes to legal action, and I believe that it will not, but I want to have my "ducks in a row" if it ever be something I have to pursue.

All advice much appreciated.

 

[onebreath]

While what you have stated here is not something strong enough to take to court, I wonder if you could have a sit down with dad, and let him know how detrimental it is to either parent's relationship with the child to have adult information fed to them, pitted against the other parent. Its not kind basically, and its not fair to the child either.

I would request that all adult information be kept away from the child, including arrangements for activities with the other parent and child during the other parents' custodial time...but especially any talk about court...I hope dad would understand that for the child to be coached to speak up and say that to you was not in the childs best interests.

Be strong and politely state these things...but be business like...such and such was not OK, and this is what I have learned is best for children....

If at the end of the conversation he acts uncooperative or clueless, ask if he's willing to do couples counseling with you to discuss these issues. Let him know you take what gets communicated to the child gets taken seriously by you, and its not OK. Counseling would be good...the downside is 'they' stop, but keep talking about inappropriate things in their home to child.