Joint decision making question

[Rowan602]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Colorado

I suspect that I have no recourse, as I suspect that this won't be considered part of joint decision making, but here goes:

My ex-boyfriend and I have joint physical custody (50/50) with joint decision making. I found out yesterday that he has signed her up for karate and soccer, but when I asked him about it, he refused to tell me where, and said, "we'll do our thing on our time with her, you'll do your thing on your time with her." This was never the way things were discussed between us. Last time we spoke about activities, we were talking about putting her in ballet lessons, back in May before we went to court about what school she'd be going to (I won that particular hearing, which I suspect may be the reason for him refusing to allow me to participate in her activities). Am I correct in assuming that while this is bad coparenting, it doesn't go against joint decision-making? I hesitate to put her in other activities on my time with her, as I don't feel its fair that she not be allowed to fully participate, and only be allowed to go every other week, and I'm also concerned that it might cause activity overload for her. If anybody has any insight, whether about joint decision-making or simply about a way that I can bring this up with him that's non-confrontational, I would greatly appreciate it!

Thanks,
Rowan

 

[CourtClerk]

Your ex is absolutely, 100% correct. You do with her on your time as you please, he will do the same.

So long as it doesn't infringe on your time, then there's nothing wrong.

 

[frylover]

Court Clerk, I'm curious here.

I understand that mom can't say "no, you can't put her in karate and soccer" but shouldn't mom have the right to know the details so that she can participate if she wants, even if it's dad's time?

 

[Bloopy]

Court Clerk, I'm curious here.

I understand that mom can't say "no, you can't put her in karate and soccer" but shouldn't mom have the right to know the details so that she can participate if she wants, even if it's dad's time?

It would be nice if they co parented well. Obviously they don't.

 

[Bloopy]

I hesitate to put her in other activities on my time with her, as I don't feel its fair that she not be allowed to fully participate, and only be allowed to go every other week, and I'm also concerned that it might cause activity overload for her.

You guys have a week to week schedule?

So Kiddo is missing half her games/classes when she is with you?

That's inconsiderate to the child and the coach/insructor.

 

[Rowan602]

CourtClerk,

That's what I figured, thanks.

Bloopy,

I've tried to coparent with him, to no avail. I had honestly thought we were doing ok with the coparenting thing, until I found this out yesterday. Like I said, the last anything was said about it, we were discussing putting her in ballet lessons.

I also feel that it is inconsiderate to the coach/instructor and unfair to my daughter and her teammates.

However, CourtClerk's response brings rise to another question:

My ex has made it perfectly clear that I am to stay away from his wife, but every time I would try and volunteer at her school last year, his wife was already volunteering. and I'm not talking here or there, once a month. She volunteered 3 or 4 times a week, even on the weeks when my daughter was with me. Can I inisist that my ex's wife not volunteer at my daughter's school on my parenting time?

Edited to add: he does not have any reason for insisting that I stay away from his wife, as I hardly even speak to her unless I have to at an exchange or she calls me with something about my daughter. She verbally attacked me when I was pregnant with my second child, and since then I try not to have contact with her if I can avoid it. I will only speak to him about my daughter as his wife tends to "forget' to pass things on or things get twisted.

Thanks,
Rowan

 

[Bloopy]

I also feel that it is inconsiderate to the coach/instructor and unfair to my daughter and her teammates.

How old is she? I would never suggest putting a child in the middle of a spat, but these are HER activities. Simply ask her, when and where is karate to get her there. Soccer? Same deal find out her team/league and you have an in.

My ex has made it perfectly clear that I am to stay away from his wife.

Well don't stalk her or anything ... but barring a restraining order, ignore this request.

Every time I would try and volunteer at her school last year, his wife was already volunteering. and I'm not talking here or there, once a month. She volunteered 3 or 4 times a week, even on the weeks when my daughter was with me.

Unless she also has a child in the class, Smom is overstepping. Sounds like it’s Dad’s fault so don’t go for HER jugular. Volunteer for Daughter’s class as you please on your time and even Dad’s time. If he’s volunteering on his time, then you may want to bow out gracefully.

Can I inisist that my ex's wife not volunteer at my daughter's school on my parenting time?

You may request that she not volunteer in your daughter’s class. If she’s just volunteering at the school in general, especially if she has a child there herself, then ignore her existence.

 

[LdiJ]

CourtClerk,

That's what I figured, thanks.

Bloopy,

I've tried to coparent with him, to no avail. I had honestly thought we were doing ok with the coparenting thing, until I found this out yesterday. Like I said, the last anything was said about it, we were discussing putting her in ballet lessons.

I also feel that it is inconsiderate to the coach/instructor and unfair to my daughter and her teammates.

However, CourtClerk's response brings rise to another question:

My ex has made it perfectly clear that I am to stay away from his wife, but every time I would try and volunteer at her school last year, his wife was already volunteering. and I'm not talking here or there, once a month. She volunteered 3 or 4 times a week, even on the weeks when my daughter was with me. Can I inisist that my ex's wife not volunteer at my daughter's school on my parenting time?

Edited to add: he does not have any reason for insisting that I stay away from his wife, as I hardly even speak to her unless I have to at an exchange or she calls me with something about my daughter. She verbally attacked me when I was pregnant with my second child, and since then I try not to have contact with her if I can avoid it. I will only speak to him about my daughter as his wife tends to "forget' to pass things on or things get twisted.

Thanks,
Rowan

Oh ARG....his wife is seriously overstepping. SERIOUSLY. However, you probably can't do much about it.

However you can volunteer as much as possible with your daughter's school, which may make them realize how much stepmom is overstepping and may eventually embarriss stepmom.

 

[Rowan602]

Bloopy,

She's 7. her dad refuses to tell me the name of her Karate school and she doesn't know. As far as soccer goes, I know he can't keep me from that one. I can just call P&R and find out from them what team she's on and go to her games. I won't go to the karate school, simply because I don't want to create problems for my daughter, but my friend has a son in the same league as my daughter, so I'll just be going with her and "wandering" to my daughter's games.

Stepmom doesn't have any kids, except for her stepdaughter, MY daughter. Stepmom has been overstepping her boundaries since day one, but this is a forum for legal advice not ranting, so I'll not go there. Her volunteering has nothing to do with him, he doesn't really have anything to do with our daughter. he works 80 hours a week, and my daughter spends most of her time there with stepmom. He has never once in her 2 years in regular school and two years in preschool volunteered at her school. He never even MET her preschool teacher. So bowing out gracefully won't really be an issue.

His wife insists on volunteering in my daughter's classroom, not in the school in general.

I've also run into this problem: He likes to pull the teachers and other school staff into the middle of our disputes. He did this with the teacher all year. Is there any advice anyone can give me for avoiding this problem this year?

Thanks

 

[Ohiogal]

Actually stepmom is NOT overstepping necessarily -- not if the school allows anyone to volunteer and doesn't restrict it just to parents of children that attend there. The overstepping comes from dad stating that mom not interact with stepmom and not be around stepmom and then mom listening.

 

[Ohiogal]

Bloopy,

She's 7. her dad refuses to tell me the name of her Karate school and she doesn't know. As far as soccer goes, I know he can't keep me from that one. I can just call P&R and find out from them what team she's on and go to her games. I won't go to the karate school, simply because I don't want to create problems for my daughter, but my friend has a son in the same league as my daughter, so I'll just be going with her and "wandering" to my daughter's games.

Stepmom doesn't have any kids, except for her stepdaughter, MY daughter. Stepmom has been overstepping her boundaries since day one, but this is a forum for legal advice not ranting, so I'll not go there. Her volunteering has nothing to do with him, he doesn't really have anything to do with our daughter. he works 80 hours a week, and my daughter spends most of her time there with stepmom. He has never once in her 2 years in regular school and two years in preschool volunteered at her school. He never even MET her preschool teacher. So bowing out gracefully won't really be an issue.

His wife insists on volunteering in my daughter's classroom, not in the school in general.

I've also run into this problem: He likes to pull the teachers and other school staff into the middle of our disputes. He did this with the teacher all year. Is there any advice anyone can give me for avoiding this problem this year?

Thanks

Why are you letting him dictate? Why are you bowing to his demands? Get a backbone and volunteer at the school if you want to volunteer. If stepmom doesn't like it and gives you problems, stepmom will be the one on the way out the school yard gates.

 

[adinicholson]

This is Your daughter, not smoms. Don't bow out of her activities just because he wants you to. He could use it against you later saying that you do not spend as much time with your daughter as he and his wife do possibly allowing him to get domicilary. I am not saying to take it out on smom by any means. My bestfriend is my ex's exwife. she and I remained friends after my ex and I split. I was unaware that he was telling her to stay away from me and she was unaware that he was telling me to stay away from her. He had secrets he wanted to stay secrets. However, if smom expresses being uncomfortable around you, to you, perhaps you two could come up with a volunteer schedule where you could both be apart of your daughters class environment and be glad that she is taking the interest. Afterall, you are kind of stuck with this woman being in your life until she realizes why you and your ex's are now ex's and if it takes awhile, she will probably still be in love with your child and may want to continue a relationship with her after they split and an amiable relationship with you and smom now will be benificial for the youngster later should smom and dad split. If smom is unwilling to coorporate, just ignore, she is truly of no legal importance. most of all, STAY completely immersed in your daughters activities. Keep to the CO and don't let dad bully you into missing out on your daughters life.

 

[Rowan602]

ohiogal and adinicholson,

You're right, I have been letting him bully me, and I do need to grow a backbone. I am very intimidated by him, and I know that I shouldn't be. The court order doesn't specify about activities, but I had an RO against him that I dropped specifically so that we could both attend activities like this. Guess that's what I get. My son will be starting preschool this year and I'll have more spare time, so I'll definitely be volunteering as much as I possibly can.

Thanks for all the advice guys,
Rowan

 

[StampGirl]

You really need to stop listening to your Ex and his wife.

YOU can do whatever you please like volunteering at the school and esp going to games and activities. If THEY don't want you around the stepmom then SHE can stay home. Right??? The girl is YOUR DAUGHTER NOT HERS. You have every single legal right to be at those soccer games etc.

I would absolutely volunteer and do it on the days the stepmom is there. LOL Then she can complain and look like an idiot!!! ha ha But like OG said, SHE will be the one out the school yard gate NOT YOU.

My Ex's wife is like that too. Told my Ex "I am MOM, so if she doesn't want to be around me then I suggest she take up a hobby to do while school functions are going on because I WILL be there."

The extra stuff stinks I know. This is the reason our girls are not in any sports etc. Its not fair to only have them attend every other week or so.