Involving Children in Custody Matters

[Isis1]

Sunny California,

okay, today was the end of NCP's 1 week vacation time. per his communication he was planning to drop the children off at 11:30am. no issues. i let him know there was no conflict prior. to my surprise, he drops the kids off at 8:30am. no biggie. until the older one, 10, asks why didn't i answer the phone. then he went on to say that his dad was calling me so they could stay until 11:30am and i wouldn't answer the phone. my phone never rang on my end this morning. i wasn't even expecting the kids until 11:30am per his own letter. so once again the NCP is trying to put me in a negative light without any merit. I responded to the 10 year old that it was an adult misscommunication.

so i have addressed a letter to the NCP.

Mr. XXXXXXXXX

When you dropped off the children this morning at 8:30am I was quite surprised. Your letter dated July 24, 2008 as you notified me of your vacation time to end at 11:30am on August 22, 2008. I had absolutely no conflict with this vacation time. I even sent you a letter confirming my agreement dated July 28, 2008. Enclosed are the copies of YOUR letter and MY letter confirming this communication so maybe your memory can be renewed.
My issue is not your vacation time. I have no problem receiving the children early at any time. My issue is Sam coming in the door stating that you had called me wanting to extend your vacation time to 11:30am and I would not answer the phone. Whether you called or not, I cannot verify these missed calls despite the fact that I have been home all weekend and available for contact. Once again, involving the children in custody matters they have no business knowing. If you are to have personal business that requires you to leave the children earlier then YOU OWN requested time, then by all means you have the ability to return the children at an earlier time without commenting ANYTHING to the children. There is absolutely no reason to misinform the children just to allow the children to see me in a negative view. This is STILL not co-parenting.
I have responded to Sam’s inquiry, letting him know it was an adult miscommunication at this time.

Signed, me

is this too condescending?

 

[CJane]

Ok, this is my standard question when it comes to stuff like this.

What is the goal?

If you're hoping that your letter will create a circumstance whereby he has an epiphany and never ever acts like an ass again... well I think we can all agree that's unlikely.

If you're hoping that you can someday use the letter in court to show that you're trying to co-parent and he's not... well, it might be useful, but it's not ... genuine.

So... what is the end game here?

 

[Isis1]

a few reasons,

1) let him know that these things are repeated to me everytime the children come home.

2) when we actually attend the co-parenting classes we are court ordered to take, i will be able to bring copies to use as an example for HIM how this is not co-parenting and we can come up with better solution on how better to co-parent. kind of like journaling our co-parenting mistakes.

3) yes all these comminucations are sent to the court for filing.

4) and maybe, just maybe he might see the confusion he causes his children when he does his silly stuff like this.

i'll be first to admit in the beginning i was ignorant about what was not co-parenting and what was. I took a parenting class that was 4 months long, 4 days a week. I LOVED IT.

 

[CourtClerk]

IMO... the letter is unnecessary... too much conversation. Leave it alone.

 

[Zigner]

I agree with CC. I really don't see what happened as anything different than might happen between a couple that's not divorced...

Sam: Dad, why can't I stay with you a couple of hours longer?
Dad: I'm not able to reach your mother on the phone to let her know and I want to make sure to get you home on time.

 

[proud_parent]

I agree with the previous posters. Your letter comes off as antagonistic. It's not likely to change his future behavior. And, honestly, it wouldn't be something I'd want in my court file if I were in your shoes.


If you feel the need to acknowledge the situation at all, how about something like this:

Dad,

The kiddos had a great time on their vacation with you.

I just wanted to say how much I appreciate you dropping them off, though I was surprised that it was earlier than we had discussed. Per your letter dated July 24, 2008, I had understood that you would bring them back at 11:30 am today. I was therefore not expecting you to return them at 8:30 as you did.

I apologize if there was a misunderstanding regarding the dropoff time. Sam mentioned that you had tried to phone me to ask whether you might keep them a few hours longer. I'm sorry that I didn't get your call so that I could have reconfirmed that we were on for 11:30. Sam seemed concerned by this; I reassured him that it was a simple miscommunication between adults.

I do appreciate that you ended up cutting your vacation a bit short in an effort to get them home on time. Again, I'm sorry for the apparent misunderstanding.

Mom

 

[Isis1]

i'll be the first to admit i'm a bit tickered off at always having to be the bad person when it's so obvious of the stupid games numbnutts is playing with the kids. so i'll let this advice sink in.

penelope...it's friday, where's my drink

 

[CourtClerk]

I personally don't see a need to acknowledge the situation at all... in the slightest. Some people just have to have something to say.

Conversation w/ Sam SHOULD have been:

Sam:

stating that you had called me wanting to extend your vacation time to 11:30am and I would not answer the phone.

You: I must have been busy. Sorry I missed the call. *continues to do laundry or whatever you were doing.*

 

[proud_parent]

penelope...it's friday, where's my drink

Heh. Make mine a double.

I just noticed that I assumed a gender for your kiddo. (Bad, bad proud. )

So if "Sam" is Samantha, mea culpa!

 

[profmum]

so i'll let this advice sink in.



Best thing to do.. most likely by tomorrow you will realize to let the "dog" continue his barking without giving any attention! the 24 hr rule now goes into effect

 

[Isis1]

so i'll let this advice sink in.



Best thing to do.. most likely by tomorrow you will realize to let the "dog" continue his barking without giving any attention! the 24 hr rule now goes into effect

duly noted and respected

 

[Isis1]

Heh. Make mine a double.

I just noticed that I assumed a gender for your kiddo. (Bad, bad proud. )

So if "Sam" is Samantha, mea culpa!

i'll just pretend you pulled up all my threads and noticed i said two boys somewhere in there

i just noticed like a dingbat that i left the names in the letter

 

[Isis1]

and by the way, thanks alot you guys

 

[2Mistakes]

Isabella,

I agree. Let it go. I know how hard that is, though.

CJane will tell ya, I'm bad about responding to the ex when no response is necessary, just to make myself feel better. CJane's called me out on it.

And since then, I haven't responded to the ex's rantings. And it feels great!

 

[penelope10]

Isabella,

I agree. Let it go. I know how hard that is, though.

CJane will tell ya, I'm bad about responding to the ex when no response is necessary, just to make myself feel better. CJane's called me out on it.

And since then, I haven't responded to the ex's rantings. And it feels great!

I myself have had to "white knuckle" it a few times in regards to OZ. Best to let it go on this one.