Stop ex-wife from calling police on my relatives

[janM]

I would like to be able to let my daughter have a sleepover with my relatives without my ex-wife calling the police on them.

How does your ex know what your daughter is doing? That she is at the relatives' house? Or anywhere else?

 

[Ohiogal]

A court is NOT going to prevent a parent from calling the police until said time as there is a criminal conviction for false reporting and even then they still may not restrict a parent in that way.

 

[thedoctorisin]

How does your ex know what your daughter is doing? That she is at the relatives' house? Or anywhere else?

My ex-wife talks with my daughter on the phone every night that she has visitation with me. On those occasions when my ex-wife is the one to initiate the call, and my daughter is not immediately available, my ex-wife proceeds to call me right away. Should I also be unavailable (for example, we are all at the movies), there will be at least two messages left on my phone in the space of 15 minutes.

Whenever I try to call my daughter when she is with my ex-wife, I am lucky if I get a call back within 2 days!

 

[thedoctorisin]

A court is NOT going to prevent a parent from calling the police until said time as there is a criminal conviction for false reporting and even then they still may not restrict a parent in that way.

Thanks very much for the constructive criticism that you gave me in post #11. You have my vote for the most helpful post to my thread.

Any comments on my latest try: "Because minor child can be contacted by cell phone, each party shall have the flexibility to take advantage of last minute opportunities for sleepovers and other changes to travel plans." Thanks again!

 

[Ohiogal]

Thanks very much for the constructive criticism that you gave me in post #11. You have my vote for the most helpful post to my thread.

Any comments on my latest try: "Because minor child can be contacted by cell phone, each party shall have the flexibility to take advantage of last minute opportunities for sleepovers and other changes to travel plans." Thanks again!

Vague. What the heck ar eyou trying to say? The parties are allowed to have sleepovers or the child is allowed to have a life? Specificity is a good thing. Even if it takes a paragraph instead of a sentence.

 

[majomom1]

OP... you are making this so difficult. You cannot stop this with wording in a court order. It just won't happen.

Take control of your home. There is nothing wrong with turning off your phone and letting calls go to voice mail. Just make sure the calls are returned by the next day and your ex has absolutely nothing. You can set the rules so that "reasonable phone access" is always there. Don't respond to any tantrum she throws. Tell her, in writing, to take it to court if she has a problem.

When your daughter stays with relatives... either don't tell your ex, or YOU call the police and tell them what is going on... and to anticipate a call from your ex. Or don't tell your ex the "real" location. You do not have to report to your ex during your time.

The best advice you had was to ignore her and it will stop. THAT IS THE BEST ADVICE! You can ignore it AND take your own action that will eventually stop it all. It will take time.

 

[thedoctorisin]

Vague. What the heck are you trying to say? The parties are allowed to have sleepovers or the child is allowed to have a life?

Both, actually. That when my daughter is with me, then I am not required to seek, much less obtain, my ex-wife's approval in order for me to allow my daughter to participate in an activity, or spend time with family members and/or friends, or to spend the night somewhere else.

Nothing in the current court order requires me to seek or obtain my ex-wife's approval in these circumstances. I just want to highlight this point. (FWIW, international travel is the only case where I need her approval.)

Specificity is a good thing. Even if it takes a paragraph instead of a sentence.

Okay, I will work on it some more. Thanks again.

 

[Ohiogal]

Both, actually. That when my daughter is with me, then I am not required to seek, much less obtain, my ex-wife's approval in order for me to allow my daughter to participate in an activity, or spend time with family members and/or friends, or to spend the night somewhere else.

Nothing in the current court order requires me to seek or obtain my ex-wife's approval in these circumstances. I just want to highlight this point. (FWIW, international travel is the only case where I need her approval.)


Okay, I will work on it some more. Thanks again.

The only way that she could intercede if the child was going elsewhere is if you had a ROFR in your court orders. If you dont', she doesn't have that right anyway so don't even bother putting it in.

 

[thedoctorisin]

The only way that she could intercede if the child was going elsewhere is if you had a ROFR in your court orders. If you dont', she doesn't have that right anyway so don't even bother putting it in.

There is no right of first refusal in the current court order. In any event, the purpose of the sleepover was not for me to get out of taking care of my daughter; it was to allow my daughter to spend some quality time having fun with her relatives who she only gets to see once or twice a year.

I think that putting something new in to the modifications to the court order would have a positive psychological effect as regards my ex-wife's future behavior. But I don't want to do it if it will have a negative legal effect. Is that something to be concerned about?

 

[janM]

How about a registered letter to mom, and copied to the court, saying that basically she doesn't need to call her daughter all the time and then freak out when she can't reach her...and/or give her specific times to call, informing her that child's cell phone will be turned off at other times to allow you quality time together? Maybe also reminding her that what each parent does on their time is their business.

 

[LdiJ]

You didn't answer some questions that were asked, and you might have received some good practical advice if you had answered.

How did your ex know where your child was?, and why did she call the police?

 

[thedoctorisin]

You didn't answer some questions that were asked, and you might have received some good practical advice if you had answered.

How did your ex know where your child was?, and why did she call the police?

Sorry. Let me connect all the dots.

1. Daughter calls mom for nightly call, and tells mom she will be having a sleepover that night.

2. Mom calls dad (i.e., me), demanding details of sleepover and bitching that she was not informed or consulted.

3. Dad provides details to mom.

4. Mom calls relative, and relative patiently explains that they are upstanding citizens, and have known daughter for years now, and everyone gets along great.

5. Mom calls police, complaining that visitation agreement was violated because her consent to the sleepover was not sought, and expecting the police to remove daughter from the relative's house and return daughter to mom. (If it helps to understand mom's mental processes: Mom is not complaining that she had a reason not to consent, or that she would not consent if asked. Mom is complaining that no one asked for her consent.)

6. Police go to relative's house to check out the situation. Police talk to relative, and to daughter. Police leave.

7. Relative's night ruined because of intrusive call from mom followed by mom calling the police despite having been completely reassured that daughter was safe and happy. Daughter's night ruined because of extreme embarrassment of having police visit due to mother's craziness. Father's night ruined because of having to apologize to relatives and spending several hours of vacation documenting another incident to be dealt with in court.

 

[thedoctorisin]

How about a registered letter to mom, and copied to the court, saying that basically she doesn't need to call her daughter all the time and then freak out when she can't reach her...and/or give her specific times to call, informing her that child's cell phone will be turned off at other times to allow you quality time together?

We are well beyond the registered letter stage at this point. A court date has already been set to discuss the motion to amend the court order. My ex-wife and I are currently in negotiation, on about a dozen points including this one.

Maybe also reminding her that what each parent does on their time is their business.

Exactly what I am trying to accomplish. At the present time, this concept is completely missing from her mental picture.

If I can make this point crystal clear in the modification to the court order, then I believe it will help to moderate my ex-wife's future behavior.

 

[LdiJ]

Sorry. Let me connect all the dots.

1. Daughter calls mom for nightly call, and tells mom she will be having a sleepover that night.

2. Mom calls dad (i.e., me), demanding details of sleepover and bitching that she was not informed or consulted.

3. Dad provides details to mom.

4. Mom calls relative, and relative patiently explains that they are upstanding citizens, and have known daughter for years now, and everyone gets along great.

5. Mom calls police, complaining that visitation agreement was violated because her consent to the sleepover was not sought, and expecting the police to remove daughter from the relative's house and return daughter to mom. (If it helps to understand mom's mental processes: Mom is not complaining that she had a reason not to consent, or that she would not consent if asked. Mom is complaining that no one asked for her consent.)

6. Police go to relative's house to check out the situation. Police talk to relative, and to daughter. Police leave.

7. Relative's night ruined because of intrusive call from mom followed by mom calling the police despite having been completely reassured that daughter was safe and happy. Daughter's night ruined because of extreme embarrassment of having police visit due to mother's craziness. Father's night ruined because of having to apologize to relatives and spending several hours of vacation documenting another incident to be dealt with in court.

Ok mom is obviously a nutcase, and I understand why you want to put provisions in the orders that prohibit mom from behaving this way.

Unfortunately, its not going to be quite a simple as you think....or maybe could be more simple than you think.

A simple clause in the orders might solve the problem.

"Both parents are free to allow extended family visitation, including overnight visitation, during their parenting time."

 

[thedoctorisin]

Or don't tell your ex the "real" location.

My ex-wife is the chronic, compulsive liar in this mess. I wouldn't want to usurp her role.

The best advice you had was to ignore her and it will stop. THAT IS THE BEST ADVICE! You can ignore it AND take your own action that will eventually stop it all. It will take time.

Been there, done that. It doesn't work. Ignoring her escapades just makes her think that she got away with it, and so her behavior just escalates next time. Ignore it again, and it will escalate again. This cycle will continue until she reaches the point of visitation denial, which I will never ignore. Now my strategy is to try to short-circuit this cycle well before it reaches the point of visitation denial.