Supervised visit, "supervisor" went AWOL

[masopa]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? WI

I have sole custody and placement. My son's mother is allowed to set up supervised visits in the city where I live. She lives 3 hours away.

I agreed on her sister, who lives in my city, as an appropriate supervisor. My son's mother was supposed to have yesterday 9-6, today 9-6 and tomorrow 9-5. However, yesterday the sister/supervisor took off, leaving my son alone with his mother. Problem number one.

According to my son, she took this opportunity to "try to make him feel bad" about not seeing her more and living with me. Problem number two.

He also said that she was harping on him all day about the bruises on his legs (normal 5 y.o. kid stuff). And taking pictures of the bruises, for court purposes I imagine. I'm not concerned about this really, I mean, kids get bruises on their legs. BUT, what does concern me is that she is causing son stress and anxiety. He said that she keeps asking him where he got all those bruises even after he says he doesn't know.

He is supposed to go for another visit today. I called and left a message with the supervisor/sister last night and have not heard back. I plan to inform them that sister is no longer an appropriate supervisor, but do I do about the rest of this weekend? I don't want to look like a complete jackass, like I'm grabbing at straws for reasons to not let son see her - but there is a court order for a reason.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? WI

I have sole custody and placement. My son's mother is allowed to set up supervised visits in the city where I live. She lives 3 hours away.

I agreed on her sister, who lives in my city, as an appropriate supervisor. My son's mother was supposed to have yesterday 9-6, today 9-6 and tomorrow 9-5. However, yesterday the sister/supervisor took off, leaving my son alone with his mother. Problem number one.

According to my son, she took this opportunity to "try to make him feel bad" about not seeing her more and living with me. Problem number two.

He also said that she was harping on him all day about the bruises on his legs (normal 5 y.o. kid stuff). And taking pictures of the bruises, for court purposes I imagine. I'm not concerned about this really, I mean, kids get bruises on their legs. BUT, what does concern me is that she is causing son stress and anxiety. He said that she keeps asking him where he got all those bruises even after he says he doesn't know.

He is supposed to go for another visit today. I called and left a message with the supervisor/sister last night and have not heard back. I plan to inform them that sister is no longer an appropriate supervisor, but do I do about the rest of this weekend? I don't want to look like a complete jackass, like I'm grabbing at straws for reasons to not let son see her - but there is a court order for a reason.

Does the court order allow you to unilaterally change the supervisor? Unless it does, you don't have the authority to inform them that the sister is no longer an appropriate supervisor. You may have grounds to take it to court to ask that the supervisor be changed, but you would have to have hard evidence that the sister actually left the home and left them alone during the visit.

I would be reminding mom and the sister that she is not supposed to leave them alone, and that if she continues to do so, that you will be taking it back to court to have the supervisor changed.

As far as the rest of the weekend is concerned, you should not deny mom the time, but you could choose to supervise it yourself if you honestly believe that the child will be in danger otherwise.

 

[masopa]

Does the court order allow you to unilaterally change the supervisor? Unless it does, you don't have the authority to inform them that the sister is no longer an appropriate supervisor. You may have grounds to take it to court to ask that the supervisor be changed, but you would have to have hard evidence that the sister actually left the home and left them alone during the visit.

Who the supervisor is is entirely up to me.

I would be reminding mom and the sister that she is not supposed to leave them alone, and that if she continues to do so, that you will be taking it back to court to have the supervisor changed.

My attorney specifically reminded her and the supervisor that son was NOT to be alone with his mother at any time. This happened for an extended period of time yesterday. My son was not physically harmed, but he did seem confused and upset with the crap mom was feeding him. He said she was trying to make him feel bad.

As far as the rest of the weekend is concerned, you should not deny mom the time, but you could choose to supervise it yourself if you honestly believe that the child will be in danger otherwise.

When I took son to the exchange place this morning, mom was there with no supervisor. I told her that son could not go with her until supervisor was present and left. She called me 10 minutes later and had the sup there. She also went and got a police officer and unloaded her version of events to the officer, who then sat and gave us a 20 minute lecture about how he couldn't do anything. Son went with mom, VERY confused about what was going on.

When I pick up son later, I plan on giving mom and her sister (the sup) written notification that sister is no longer an appropriate supervisor, and tell them that tomorrow is off. I DON'T want to appear vindictive, as angry as I am now. I just want my son protected from this needless drama and anxiety.

 

[LdiJ]

Who the supervisor is is entirely up to me.



My attorney specifically reminded her and the supervisor that son was NOT to be alone with his mother at any time. This happened for an extended period of time yesterday. My son was not physically harmed, but he did seem confused and upset with the crap mom was feeding him. He said she was trying to make him feel bad.



When I took son to the exchange place this morning, mom was there with no supervisor. I told her that son could not go with her until supervisor was present and left. She called me 10 minutes later and had the sup there. She also went and got a police officer and unloaded her version of events to the officer, who then sat and gave us a 20 minute lecture about how he couldn't do anything. Son went with mom, VERY confused about what was going on.

When I pick up son later, I plan on giving mom and her sister (the sup) written notification that sister is no longer an appropriate supervisor, and tell them that tomorrow is off. I DON'T want to appear vindictive, as angry as I am now. I just want my son protected from this needless drama and anxiety.

I honestly wouldn't do that unless you find out that the supervisor wasn't there again today for a period of time.

You cannot protect your son from all drama and anxiety, unfortunately. A judge honestly won't allow you to do that. I believe that telling them that the visit is off is not a wise thing to do. You can insist on supervising it yourself, in a public place perhaps, but I would not recommend denying the visit entirely.

 

[masopa]

As much as that's not what I wanted to hear, I appreciate your advice. What about allowing the visit tomorrow (Labor Day) and then sending a certified letter saying that the sister is no longer an acceptable supervisor because she deemed it OK to leave my son with his mother? She was given very specific instructions.

The Order says, "The Court deems supervised placement to be the best option for [child] and the Petitioner at this time, with Respondent [me] determining who should supervise that placement." The supervisor was never "approved" by the court or anything, she proposed it and I OK'ed it. Couldn't I just as easily nix it?

My concern is that 1) son is not supposed to be alone with his mother 2) the first opportunity she got when she was alone with him she went in for the emotional kill and son is obviously distraught (and I'll be scheduling an extra visit with the therapist this week) 3) even after I gave them a warning, they did it AGAIN

The thing is with these people I deal with - they really don't think they need to follow the rules. That's what it comes down to, they just don't.

 

[milspecgirl]

we had this same problem only our supervisor was spelled out in the co.
You need to inform mom in writing via certified letter that due to sis violating a court order and allowing mom to be alone with child, you will no longer accept her as a supervisor. State that until you can find a replacement supervisor who is willing to follow the court order that you will be supervising any and all visits.
You cannot always protect your child from manipulativeness, unfortunately. However, keep the therapy going.

 

[Bloopy]

I’d make sure the visit still takes place. But not with the sister if possible, even today. If you plan on “firing” the sister for what happened last visit but allow this one to take place with her, it makes it seem less crucial.

I’d be pissed that the sister wasn’t present for part of the visit and consider her no longer an appropriate supervisor.

However, it seems that you have too much information about it considering your son is only five. Verbal as he must be, you should have smoothed over the situation. It appears that by your reaction, either by asking direct question or alarmed behavior, you drew out a lot of information thus adding to the drama he is experiencing.

 

[masopa]

I’d make sure the visit still takes place. But not with the sister if possible, even today. If you plan on “firing” the sister for what happened last visit but allow this one to take place with her, it makes it seem less crucial.

This was my concern.

However, it seems that you have too much information about it considering your son is only five. Verbal as he must be, you should have smoothed over the situation. It appears that by your reaction, either by asking direct question or alarmed behavior, you drew out a lot of information thus adding to the drama he is experiencing.

Interesting observation, I must say. I'd be interested to know what you mean by "too much information." I take for granted how easily and readily my son talks to me; he has ever since he told me about the incident where his mom's boyfriend was punching him.

 

[Bloopy]

This was my concern.
Interesting observation, I must say. I'd be interested to know what you mean by "too much information." I take for granted how easily and readily my son talks to me; he has ever since he told me about the incident where his mom's boyfriend was punching him.

You found out from your son

- Auntie left them alone: Why would THAT be significant information for him to share, from his perspective.
- Mommy used the time to "try to make him feel bad." Sharing that Mom said/did something mean? Normal. A five-year-old describing the INTENT of manipulation, TMI.
- Harping on the bruises
- Photos

That’s a lot of information to gleam from a five-year-old. It has NOTHING to do with how intelligent or verbal the child is.

A five-year-old typically thinks his/her parents squat Skittles even when abused.

It is very difficult and stressful for a child to “tattle” on the other parent. He gave a report on a lot of “petty” things. Children won’t do so unless they are encouraged. Such encouragement can be overt but often is unintentional.

I’m simply suggesting that your demeanor not add to stress.

 

[CJane]

I’m simply suggesting that your demeanor not add to stress.

As another for instance.

When the supervisor wasn't present at pick-up, it would have been FAR less dramatic to say "Hey, where's Sally? We'll just hang out til she gets her, I'd like to say hi."

What causes stress is sonny-boy seeing you telling Mom that he's not going with her and then driving away and waiting for her to call you and then going back to the dropoff point. OF COURSE the child was confused/stressed out. BOTH parents are acting like children.

 

[masopa]

I do appreciate your points of view. Perhaps my son has begun to play tattle tale a bit too much on his mom with things that he thinks I might be interested to hear. This kind of behavior started when I started taking him to see a therapist. I've told him to tell me about things that bother him "because I can't help him out if I don't know what the problem is." He's pretty open with me. I'll mention it to the therapist and see if he thinks there might be some behaviors I could avoid that may be encouraging my son to pick out or dwell on the negative parts of seeing his mother.

As another for instance.

When the supervisor wasn't present at pick-up, it would have been FAR less dramatic to say "Hey, where's Sally? We'll just hang out til she gets her, I'd like to say hi."

What causes stress is sonny-boy seeing you telling Mom that he's not going with her and then driving away and waiting for her to call you and then going back to the dropoff point. OF COURSE the child was confused/stressed out. BOTH parents are acting like children.

A couple words in my defense, but I don't mean to argue. The sister/supervisor lives 30-40 minutes away, on the other side of the city. My wife and I were on our way to church. We thought it would be an easy drop-off and we could continue on our way. When sis wasn't there, I asked mom how long it might be before she could get there and she said she didn't know because her sister was at church. We decided to go on to church rather than waiting indefinitely. I don't know how the sis made is there in 10 minutes.

I realize that going to see mom and then not being able to go was an opportunity for stress for my son. I did what I thought made sense, and I assured my son that things would work out just fine and that he was just going to see her a little bit later because the plan had changed. I didn't say "you can't go with mom because there's no one to supervise you with her."

 

[Ohiogal]

A couple words in my defense, but I don't mean to argue. The sister/supervisor lives 30-40 minutes away, on the other side of the city. My wife and I were on our way to church. We thought it would be an easy drop-off and we could continue on our way. When sis wasn't there, I asked mom how long it might be before she could get there and she said she didn't know because her sister was at church. We decided to go on to church rather than waiting indefinitely. I don't know how the sis made is there in 10 minutes.

WAIT A MINUTE! You knew the supervisor was not there, that visits between mom and child are to be supervised and yet YOU LEFT your son alone with mom?

This is YOUR fault.

 

[LdiJ]

WAIT A MINUTE! You knew the supervisor was not there, that visits between mom and child are to be supervised and yet YOU LEFT your son alone with mom?

This is YOUR fault.

No, he did not leave the child there. He explained more in a previous post on this thread.

 

[Bloopy]

Perhaps my son has begun to play tattle tale a bit too much on his mom with things that he thinks I might be interested to hear... I'll mention it to the therapist and see if he thinks there might be some behaviors I could avoid that may be encouraging my son to pick out or dwell on the negative parts of seeing his mother.

Good Answer.

Lesser "Newbies" would have called us b*tches who don't know the whole story.