Sole Custody of Illegitimate Child

[acmb05]

Wouldn't it be better to establish paternity now and have sole custody paperwork drawn up now rather than have him 10 years from now establish paternity?

Yes it would.

I have been reading many of the child custody posts and things tend to get ugly. Again I will not keep him from his child but I also don't want to get surprised by some court battle. I would be willing to work out a joint custody agreement together if in the future he changes his mind. I just don't want him changing his mind and things getting ugly.

Things always get ugly in situations like this.

I am honestly a little scared. He is a good guy but because of the circumstances he really wants to avoid involvement.

I'm sorry but "good guys" do not get another woman pregnant while they are married.

He never had any children and had not planned on it, so this child doesn't quite fit into his plans.

Which is why they make birth control. Oh yea and not fooling around on your wife with another woman. Don't mean to sound harsh but this is reality.

I want to protect my child and want to do all I can now.

Then get the child legitimized when he/she is born.

He has told me he suffers from depression problems, how bad I do not know, and I wonder if it will make he go back and forth on decisions. I just want some stability for my child.

Then you need to legitimize the child now. Let's say you find this "god fearing" man later on and you get married. Now lets assume this man will want to adopt your child after a few years. You will need to get the fathers permission for this to happen. Better to have all your ducks in a row now than to have to worry about it in 5 or 10 years.

 

[IrishLady47]

After reading the last post, I had to re-think about the child support issue myself. Even if he doesn't want to be involved in your child's life, there still comes everything involved in raising this child.

If he were to pay you only $200.00 a month for 18 years, the principal of that would be $43,200.00. That could sure come in handy for a college education for your child.

If your child is a girl, there could be dance lessons she may like to take, gymnastics, things of this nature. If the child is a boy, baseball, football, etc. Don't strap yourself in the future, when you can plan now to be able to provide.

It's not "gold-digging". You are basically resolving yourself to the fact that you will be raising this child alone, just keep the options open for making it as comfortable as possible for yourself and child. He does have as much responsibility in supporting your child as you do. He can only elect to not be there for the child.

I hope you will consider this as a future security for your child.

Have to agree with this. CS is for the child and, unless you are really wealthy, can be used for future expenses when needed.

Plus, maybe litte Jimmy will want to be a ballet dancer or little Suzie a basketball star. Or "OldandTired" should go by "Old, Tired and Sexist"

 

[onebreath]

I tend to agree with others on the child support issue. Child support does not have to mean you are out to get the guy....you can agree on a sum per month. Or ask the dad to put the money into a CD or something for the kids college fund. Thats distant, and very helpful.

Per a prior post, I was not aware that its best to have the child legitamized when born, for the child to be legally adopted by another man. The bottom line is how much do you trust this man (not much given posts in terms of how he may change in mind later), and are willing to take custody/paternity matters up with him 2, 4, 8 years from now? Does his wife know about this? If not he's probably safe, but what if he gets divorced? He may change his mind about wanting involvement with his child.

Bottom line, now or later, you cannot escape it if dad chooses to exercise his parental rights. Yes, it may take him time to build up with visitation, etc. should he choose to exercise those rights...but whether his name is on the birth certificate or not, he can always change his mind and your rights will not be any greater or less at that time.

I wonder if your refusal to allow him to help financially is to make sure he feels no ties/obligation down the road?

One thing is for sure, if you don't get dad to sign the AOP, and dad is still legally unknown, you are free to move where you want, chose your life. If dad chooses to request custody/visitation, depending on the circumstances at that time, you have less freedom to move where you want to raise child.

Sorry so wordy, in my minds eye thats about the only thing you really need to consider.

Depending on your answers re child support...if you are NOT concerned about dad responding to child support with custody/visitation orders, I WOULD totally accept monthly payments from him. Its not for you but for the child, and they are expensive. There is zero reason under the son why dad should not be helping you out. Zero. Your CHILD deserves it. You will be raising the child, its only fair dad pays for helping, especially as he does not want to be involved.

I understand the desire to have dads name on bc but that does not, well, this is my opinion and philosophy only OK?, a name on a piece of paper does not legitimize a child. I want to go look that word up in a dictionary. I am sensitive to it myself (I also am a single mom of a child born 'out of wedlock'). If legitimizing a child has to do with having two legal parents...then you would get that by dad signing the AOP. But to me, thats nothing. It has to do with a dad choosing to be a father. THATS the biggie you will have to deal with with child as years go by....the don't know anything about birth certificates. When/if the day comes that child needs to see dads' name....and its not there....explain that it was a mutual agreement that would help you to be an independent mom and to raise child as you saw fit.

 

[OldandTired]

Or "OldandTired" should go by "Old, Tired and Sexist"

Come on.....was that entirely necessary or helpful to this young lady in making a determination as to how to approach this?

 

[CourtClerk]

I'm sorry but "good guys" do not get another woman pregnant while they are married.

I'm wondering why no one else caught on that this "father to be" is married to someone else...

this is nothing but a sad sad story. Imagine that, a child has the right to know who his parents are, but what will said child think about mom when he/she grows up and figures out mom was sleeping with someone else's husband.

 

[LdiJ]

Per a prior post, I was not aware that its best to have the child legitamized when born, for the child to be legally adopted by another man.

Despite the fact that this is routinely stated on this forums, its actually NOT correct. I am directly familiar with multiple stepparent adoptions, which took place in multiple states in situations where there was no father listed on the birth certificate. In none of those cases was it necessary to locate the putative father, establish paternity and get his consent. The abandonment statutes in those states were used.

Now, since the laws in the states vary, there may be one or more states out there where its necessary. However, these forums state it as a common necessity, everywhere, and that again is NOT correct.

My recommendation is that anyone considering a stepparent adoption should consult a local adoption attorney (absolutely NOT a family law attorney unless they also happen to be an adoption attorney) at the time that they are considering the adoption.

Or, if they really feel the need to do research online, then they should search out websites where the entire website is devoted to the subject of adoption.

 

[MrsK]

I'm wondering why no one else caught on that this "father to be" is married to someone else...

this is nothing but a sad sad story. Imagine that, a child has the right to know who his parents are, but what will said child think about mom when he/she grows up and figures out mom was sleeping with someone else's husband.

No kidding...its bad enough to grow up without a dad around, but to be not only an illegitimate kid with no father but to have to find out your mom had been sleeping with a married man? Bet that will make the kid feel nice & proud.

 

[OldandTired]

While I find this last post completely unnecessary and offensive, lets all remember that since others have complained about some of the posts I have placed on here, that we all have a difference of opinions, and they affect us all in different ways.

The next time someone wants to send me private hate-mail, remember this thread, and others like it.

We don't always have to agree, nor share the same the feelings about a posters character. So make sure you're not living in a glass house the next time someone wants to berate me for things I post.

 

[CourtClerk]

While I find this last post completely unnecessary and offensive, lets all remember that since others have complained about some of the posts I have placed on here, that we all have a difference of opinions, and they affect us all in different ways.

The next time someone wants to send me private hate-mail, remember this thread, and others like it.

We don't always have to agree, nor share the same the feelings about a posters character. So make sure you're not living in a glass house the next time someone wants to berate me for things I post.

Do you need a hug?

 

[Just Blue]

~hugs~ to OT...~hugs~ to all!!


I like to hug!!

 

[OldandTired]

nah.....no thanks.....i keep enough warm and fuzzy stuff stored in my head to take care of me

 

[Just Blue]

nah.....no thanks.....i keep enough warm and fuzzy stuff stored in my head to take care of me

You're refuting my ~hug~???!!!!

I am sad now....

 

[OldandTired]

oh don't think of it that way**************think of it as one person accepting the thought.....remember, it's the thought that counts

 

[Just Blue]

oh don't think of it that way**************think of it as one person accepting the thought.....remember, it's the thought that counts

Ahh...But you are still posting here. So I guess my thoughts don't count for much...boohoo...

JK!!!!

 

[txkate78]

No kidding...its bad enough to grow up without a dad around, but to be not only an illegitimate kid with no father but to have to find out your mom had been sleeping with a married man? Bet that will make the kid feel nice & proud.

FYI: There are times when a girl meets a guy who does not wear a ring and never says he is married, months go by, and then one day you find out, he is married. Yes, it makes a person mad, but once the truth is out, what can a person do? Whether you believe me or not this happened once and then I walked away from the situation completely. I refuse to be with a married man and he needs to get his life straightened out. This is another big reason I want sole custody and no further battles in the future. He still has a right to be involved in his child's life, but this chages things and his wife does not know.