Sole Custody of Illegitimate Child

[CourtClerk]

FYI: There are times when a girl meets a guy who does not wear a ring and never says he is married, months go by, and then one day you find out, he is married.

You never went to his house? Never called his house? Never been by... in all those months that you were BEDDING him? Seems to me you hopped in the bed before you knew who you were dealing with. Not an excuse... just trashy behavior.

Yes, it makes a person mad, but once the truth is out, what can a person do?

Leave him like yesterday's news and for SURE not spread your legs to him. In fact, try not spreading your legs to anyone you don't know. I know... your hormones don't allow you to exercise a little self control, so you end up knocked up by a married man then you get to play the victim. Believe it or not, if you know what to look for and you're nosey enough, it's very easy to spot a married man.... take off the rose colored glasses sugarplum or you'll be in bed with the wrong man again (married or not).

Whether you believe me or not this happened once and then I walked away from the situation completely. I refuse to be with a married man and he needs to get his life straightened out. This is another big reason I want sole custody and no further battles in the future. He still has a right to be involved in his child's life, but this chages things and his wife does not know.

That's not a justifiable reason to have sole custody.

 

[SIN EATER]

Come on.....was that entirely necessary or helpful to this young lady in making a determination as to how to approach this?

Ah, but she said what many of us were thinking.

 

[txkate78]

I don't expect anyone on here to believe me, since you don't know me, but I promise you the hopping in the sack part as you put it Court Clerk happened only one time. Puts a whole new meaning to "it only takes once". No, I never called his house, I only had his cell phone and work numbers. Most of my friends don't have landlines for home phones only cell phones. I didn't see him often he does a lot of business through my company. Yes, I royally screwed up. I don't even blame him I should have been smarter about this and just abstained completely. Yes I know it takes two, but I made a decision and I must live with the consequences. I am responsible for my decisions only.
He knows that if I am asked I will not lie for him or about this situation. I think that is a big reason why he will do whatever it takes to make this go away. God allowed me to get pregnant when I have been told it would be next to impossible for me to conceive. The consequences of my mistake is alienation from my family, though they are glad I did not choose an abortion. This is a life in me that I am responsible for, yes it would have been easier to have an abortion and hide my sin from everyone and save myself all this trouble. But if I made the decision to sleep with someone then I need to be responsible when it comes to the consequences. Don't get me wrong I believe God is the creator of life and He allowed this for a reason. I will do the best I can with His help and pray my child can learn from mistakes and not the hard way.
Thank you all for your advice and help. Can you please try and just help me focus on the question that started this post if you have anything to add in the future. You choose what you want to write but I am seeking help here.
Thanks again.

 

[onebreath]

Just be clear the "sin" is not the child inside of you. Since you believe in sin, the sin is the mistake that you made, and we all make them, some bigger, some smaller mistakes. A child is never a sin (I am not saying thats what you meant but am not sure), please do not raise this child to believe he/she was a mistake, etc. Its a hard one and will be hard consequences...as mentioned in an earlier post...I also have a child I term "born out of wedlock", or in recent years simple "we never married". In the end, even though some questions will be asked over the years...it really is up to your inner security, self acceptance and mind set that will determine how your child feels about themself as they grow older.

The hardest will be finding a reason as to why his/her dad not involved in their life...that will be tricky and I suggest at some point getting some counseling for yourself as to how to frame that with your own integrity, and how to advise your child.

Is the father totally opposed to a relationship with the child? I would go so far as to suggest counseling with the father, before the birth to sit down and have a mediator/counselor present to get super clear on what involvement he will have. If he's iffy, clarify that...

If dad plays no role, you are free to meet other men, as came up in posts, and get married and have a more normal family life. I firmly believe it is possible for a single mother to raise a healthy child on her own, and there does not have to be taboo's around that, except the ones we project as a parent....outside of the few taboos that will come up in society...and there are fewer and fewer.

I feel very sad for my daughter sometimes, mainly because I conceived her with a boyfriend who was very difficult, and has remained difficult not just for me, but for her also. Because he is super involved in her life, there is a lot of conflict for her! That is MY mistake, she is still a blessing and I only hope and pray that what some elders have told me they have witnessed, at the least many of these children grow up to be very sensitive and caring people. It does not do me any good to bang my head against the wall anymore, not after 9 years...its counterproductive to living and teaching a positive life for both of us.

I don't believe in guilt, remorse maybe, as long as too much time is not dwelt there. Whats done is done and now there is a human being to raise yourself up to and teach the best of life. With the dad being completely hands off, it sounds like, you have major freedom to expand yourself and give your child the world....it can be a very positive situation.

I would still work out with dad a monetary contribution on a regular basis...even if its towards a savings account for the child....thats just my opinion.

Thanks for listening.