confused dad needs help

[tornado88]

Yes, I have to agree she is trying to set up any type of road block she can. Some of the seniors can tell you if this is a smart move or not, but my thought is if she brings up drug testing to the judge agree to it as long as she is tested as well. She may back off of that idea real fast.

Love OG's idea of the video. If she throws a fit, it will be on camera! Otherwise, you will have a video of your little girl to show others back home. If you take pictures, crop them so that only your daughter is visable. Everytime you let the mother stop you from taking pictures, spending time or whatever you are letting her "win" and that will only make her more determined to do even more.

If/when the cops are called, don't make a scene. State the facts, show the paperwork, find out how to get a copy of the report, don't show the upset emotions that you will be feeling, and leave. It will be hard to leave without seeing your daughter, but don't give mom the reason to claim you still need to have visitations supervised because you can become abusive, either verbally or physically.

 

[MrJenkins]

Thanks everyone for your help.

I'll let you know how the visit goes. I am bringing my camera to take pictures and follow the advice.

quick scenerio;

Say, I go there for visitation, but due to doing the above she wants me to leave before the visit is suppose to end. Do I contact the cops to make a report or just leave and take video evidence of me leaving before my time is up?

 

[Ohiogal]

Thanks everyone for your help.

I'll let you know how the visit goes. I am bringing my camera to take pictures and follow the advice.

quick scenerio;

Say, I go there for visitation, but due to doing the above she wants me to leave before the visit is suppose to end. Do I contact the cops to make a report or just leave and take video evidence of me leaving before my time is up?

You don't leave and you tell her you have a court order granting you that much time. If she persists you call the police and make a report.

 

[MichaCA]

But, I don't believe he HAS a court order. He has a agreement that he made with the mom doing mediation with her. I may be wrong on that...and thats one of my questions to OP;

What kind of mediator did you go to, and what is the form of your agreement with ex...is it a written agreement? Something you can show the cops should they get called?

Outside of the fantastic advice you have already gotten, in my own passion, I will offer my own.

Since you can afford it, I would hire an attorney. At the very minimum, they will really help you to write up a written declaration in which you spell out not only your requests, but your reasons for your requests, and why they are in the best interests of your child.

In your declaration is where you submit your proposed parenting plan, including everything really. It was advised to you right at first to propose a long term graduated parenting plan. This is where your attorney can do that, as well as reinterate it in court and be able to combat objections on moms' part.

I would begin clarifying for yourself what kind of graduated plan you think you want, for your attorney. Don't forget a holiday and summer vacation plan. You and mom can alternate the childs birthday.

Depending on how detailed you wish to be...I would really think long term. Propose weekend visits to expand again after a few months, allowing you to take your child to your home if you choose.

My personal advice;

I would request that mom help with transportation costs, and/or driving half way to meet when visits start happening in your home.

Are you going to move when your done with school? How far away from mom? I would stick that in your declaration.

I would get back to emailing asap...even if it threatens the visitation for now. Your court date is soon. Mom, I suspect is requesting phone conversations cause she knows she is out of line and doesn't want her emails shown in court. She will not look good if she is making the same statements in email she is making to you now. And, I would keep emailing about all coparenting issues always.

As part of your written declaration, I think it should be pointed out how mom has not kept to the agreements you made with the mediator. Show the plan you agreed to and show exactly where she has strayed.

As part of your request for unsupervised visits, I would point out that not only is the child ready, but point out mom has actually interfered with your ability to parent the child, giving the examples you gave. That you don't even have the freedom to take your child outside. And that mom uses that time with bf to make pot shots at you. That is a very degrading manner that she is actively teaching the child through example. Bad. NOT in the childs best interests.

YES, all of your supervised visits will totally count for you. They show your cooperativeness with mom, your dedication and commitment to your child. It also represents actual time spent with your child, so that you can request unsupervised visits. Mom cannot claim you are a stranger to the child.

I LOVE Ohiogals idea of taking the pics anyway...in that if mom does stand in front of the camera, thats some pic for the judge to see!!!!

IF you are interested, please let me know...way back I had an attorney who after mega years developed a wonderful joint legal custody parenting plan that is an attachment to our court order. Its three pages, but covers so many tidbits that often get overlooked in custody disputes. I don't want to post it unless you are interested. It would be a great attachment to your declaration...works for both parents.

I hope you don't mind me being so wordy. I have much compassion for parents going into this the first time, alas my wordiness.

 

[MrJenkins]

Just giving another update and had some more questions. I received notice that our court date has been pushed back till June. I am not sure if that was her doing, or if the courts are booked completely.

I went for my March visitation and wasn’t denied visitation nor was the cops called. Her bf wasn’t there, so I did get to spend more time with daughter and bond with her some more. Mom is still unwilling to give me a timeframe for graduated visitations, although I inquired because she wanted me to reschedule my next 2 visits due to them falling on a holiday (Easter and mothers day). She did verbally suggest that I would be allowed to take my daughter out by myself for fathers day if I gave her the 2 holidays.( I am suspicious of that agreement since I wouldn’t have a recourse if she were to back out of that plan after I held my end of the bargain).

But, I don't believe he HAS a court order. He has a agreement that he made with the mom doing mediation with her. I may be wrong on that...and thats one of my questions to OP;

What kind of mediator did you go to, and what is the form of your agreement with ex...is it a written agreement? Something you can show the cops should they get called? .

It was a written agreement as part of the mediation process before we went to court. I have a physical piece of paper that states my visitation date and hours. It also goes on to state that we both agreed that we will work on a graduated parenting plan together.

I would request that mom help with transportation costs, and/or driving half way to meet when visits start happening in your home.

Are you going to move when your done with school? How far away from mom? I would stick that in your declaration.

If I moved, it would be to the same city as where my daughter resides. I have a job that would allow me to relocate if need be or I’d stay in my current city.



My question is, I wanted to draft some sort of parenting plan that will eventually graduate into me having overnight visitation with my daughter ; is there a general guideline to what timeframe the courts would propose. Right now, I have completed 6 months of visitation for a total of 24 hours of time with my daughter. I haven’t been allowed to take her outside(wasn’t worried cause it was winter) and have no bright outlook for the future.

Not sure if this is an answerable question, but how soon could I look at a visitation schedule of picking my daughter up Friday afternoon and returning her Sunday evening once a month.

 

[LdiJ]

I have advice that is somewhat the same as other advice you have received and somewhat different.

You started this thread in January. It is now March. If you had gotten an attorney in January you might have had something temporary (signed by the judge temporary, not just something agree to in mediation) that would be enforceable....and might give you visits outside of mom's home for a little bit longer period of time.

Stop futzing around and get an attorney hired NOW.

Stop discussing more time with mom...let the courts handle that. If you want to agree to switch your weekends to accomodate holidays you can do so, as long as you get it in writing from her what alternate dates will be scheduled, and that you get to take the child out of her home for father's day. Make sure that the alternate dates are BEFORE each of the two holidays, so that if she doesn't cooperate with the alternate date, that you can show up on the regular date.

 

[MrJenkins]

I have advice that is somewhat the same as other advice you have received and somewhat different.

You started this thread in January. It is now March. If you had gotten an attorney in January you might have had something temporary (signed by the judge temporary, not just something agree to in mediation) that would be enforceable....and might give you visits outside of mom's home for a little bit longer period of time.

Stop futzing around and get an attorney hired NOW.

Stop discussing more time with mom...let the courts handle that. If you want to agree to switch your weekends to accomodate holidays you can do so, as long as you get it in writing from her what alternate dates will be scheduled, and that you get to take the child out of her home for father's day. Make sure that the alternate dates are BEFORE each of the two holidays, so that if she doesn't cooperate with the alternate date, that you can show up on the regular date.

can attorneys speed up court dates?

cause thats all im waiting on.

 

[LdiJ]

can attorneys speed up court dates?

cause thats all im waiting on.

The attorney may not be able to speed up the full hearing date, but an attorney could very possibly get a sooner date to get temporary orders made.

 

[MrJenkins]

The attorney may not be able to speed up the full hearing date, but an attorney could very possibly get a sooner date to get temporary orders made.

thank you

i will make the call tonight.
I was really trying to keep it pro se, as like I said before.. I am not made of money, but I am willing to get an attorney. It will just put a strain on me, but due to the suggestions, this looks like the best option.

Thanks guys for all your help

 

[MichaCA]

I don't have the websites for you, but I have seen lots of posts on here where sites are offering re;looking up the generic parenting visitation schedule for a given state. While your hiring your attorney, you can still be proactive, and look up parenting plans as just suggested, I don't know if nolo press publishes stuff like that in such detail. Maybe you can look up to see if there is a nolo press book for family law specific to your state. If so, that would be helpful self-education. (you attorney WILL give you what is the normative schedule for your state of course).

I hear wonderful things about deltabravo.net insofar as finding out what stuff is helpful to have in your court order. You don't want to just focus on your graduated visitation plan.

 

[tornado88]

I'm glad you were able to see your daughter with out any problems. Were you able to get any pictures of her?

Getting an attorney is a great idea. While it's sometimes workable to do things yourself, an attorney will be able to do things for you, like getting an earlier date to at least get temoprary orders set, and keeping the mother from playing games with you.

Keep us updated on how you are doing.

 

[CJane]

can attorneys speed up court dates?

cause thats all im waiting on.

No, that's NOT all you're waiting on.

Do you know how to properly submit the evidence you THINK you have re: Mom denying visits?

Do you know how to properly question Mom when she's on the stand?

Do you know how to properly answer questions when they're asked?

Do you know how to properly present your case so the best interests of the CHILD (and not YOU) are the focus?

You NEED an attorney because you're getting bogged down in the minutiae and that is NOT going to work in your favor in court. It's really not.

Bear in mind that the court is likely to think YOU are being unreasonable if you refuse to let Mom have Mother's Day. She's 100% guaranteed to get that in a court order - even if it falls on 'your' day and there will be no make-up. Just like YOU are guaranteed to get Father's Day regardless of who's day it's actually ON.

 

[MichaCA]

I totally agree with the last poster, and the general gist of get on the ball and start processing how you will show up legally.

This may be considered a 'minutiae' issue, so please don't spend too much time on it. Since mothers day is a hands down good idea to give mom (NOT a minutiae issue), yes, agree to mom on that.

Suggestion, I would keep these particular kinds of conversations in email. Not saying it will do you any good later, but might;

If it were me, I would veto canceling the easter visitation. Don't get into it with mom, just stay business like and state you intend to keep your 4 hour visit that day. Your visitation already so limited, and both parents deserve to have holiday time. (later on easter will probably get alternated between parents each year, or, we split easter in half, and alternate the two halves every year).

Agree with her about mothers day and request the day before for make-up visitation. (she may or may not agree, but ask for it).

Its a bit appalling to me mom offers you to be able to take out the child on your fathers day visit, IF you give her the two times above. This is your deal, however I try to stay away from negotiations like that. That would be two solid months you don't see your child, not good...and she is either allowing you to take the child out for the childs best interests, period. or she doesn't. Shouldn't be based on her getting what she wants time wise. Bless the kids heart.

I am glad you are getting the ball rolling.

 

[tornado88]

When is your court date in June? It may also be possible that you could have a court order for Father's Day by that time. I agree with the other posters that said to be sure she has Mother's Day. Ask if she will trade you, but is she doesn't still let her have it. The judge will not look kindly on you if you refuse her that day. By that time you'll be to close to your goal to mess it up.

As far as Easter goes, I would try to keep that one and then make sure that it is one of the holidays she gets next year. If she really puts up a stink then ask for the weekend before and request Easter be your holiday next year.

Again, do your best to get the weekend for makeup time BEFORE she gets her weekend or you may not get it. If you have to go two months without seeing your daughter because she refuses to work with you, the judge will not be happy with her, but am not sure if there is really anything that could be done about it since there aren't any actual court orders to follow..

 

[MrJenkins]

No, that's NOT all you're waiting on.

Do you know how to properly submit the evidence you THINK you have re: Mom denying visits?

Do you know how to properly question Mom when she's on the stand?

Do you know how to properly answer questions when they're asked?

Do you know how to properly present your case so the best interests of the CHILD (and not YOU) are the focus?

You NEED an attorney because you're getting bogged down in the minutiae and that is NOT going to work in your favor in court. It's really not.

Bear in mind that the court is likely to think YOU are being unreasonable if you refuse to let Mom have Mother's Day. She's 100% guaranteed to get that in a court order - even if it falls on 'your' day and there will be no make-up. Just like YOU are guaranteed to get Father's Day regardless of who's day it's actually ON.

CJane,

I definitely was not opposed to giving her mothers day. I wanted to just make sure I would get fathers day in return. I did offer aleternatives to Easter also(visiting on my daughters bday since it falls in the same month).

I didn't realize how complicated it would be , but I did retain an attorney earlier this week and she is starting the paperwork in order to get the ball rolling. This helps a lot due to her being able to show up for hearings without me in attendance if I am not required(saving a 7 hour RT drive)

I'd like to thank everyone for your advice and I will keep everyone updated on the outcome. I guess I was a little naive to think we could work on an agreement when she wasn't willing before mediation, but I think my attorney can correct the steps.