Child Custody during deployment

[my life is mine]

I would honestly have the day care address the clothing issue since it is happening when he drops child off at day care.

Glad to know you understand your custody situation fully!

 

[RyansMom08]

Just an update...
I will NOT be deploying. Turns out several people wanted to go, so all the positions have been filled.
I also figured out how to avoid the clothing issue to save myself money. We will follow the decree to a T. I had been letting him pick him up/drop him off at daycare to give him a little more time with our son. (The clothing is not the only problem with this going smoothly) So from now on he will get him at 6 pm Friday to 6 pm Sunday (as said in the orders). We will meet at the courthouse so I can have verification of him being a no-show rather than it just being my saying. There will be a third party to witness it. I am pretty sure he will not show up tonight (first third and fifth weekends, so he had him last weekend and this weekend) and he said he had "plans"
If he often skips his weekend because he has "plans" is there anything I can do? Is he allowed to just not take him when he wants to go partying that weekend instead? He will tell me Tues or Wed that he has plans and can't take him during his weekend, but does not have "mandatory" plans for work or school. He has social plans. This causes me to cancel any plans I have made. I don't mind getting to spend extra time with my son, I love it, but it is not fair to my son to only go with his Dad sometimes, and not fair to me to not ever make plans too much in advance (more than a day or two) as he cancels last minute. I understand I can't force him to spend time with his son, but should I have to work my life around his party schedule? Also what about when he goes to Guam and, as he has already said, will only see Ryan a few weeks in the summer (he will be in NJ after Guam so it will be the same even then). He will be like a stranger to my son. He already cries when his Dad picks him up from daycare (this breaks my heart). How is it going to work when he hasnt seen him for a year, and his Dad picks him up and takes him states away? Again I apologize for my pettiness, I am just worried for my son's sake.

 

[Ohiogal]

Just an update...
I will NOT be deploying. Turns out several people wanted to go, so all the positions have been filled.
I also figured out how to avoid the clothing issue to save myself money. We will follow the decree to a T. I had been letting him pick him up/drop him off at daycare to give him a little more time with our son. (The clothing is not the only problem with this going smoothly) So from now on he will get him at 6 pm Friday to 6 pm Sunday (as said in the orders). We will meet at the courthouse so I can have verification of him being a no-show rather than it just being my saying. There will be a third party to witness it. I am pretty sure he will not show up tonight (first third and fifth weekends, so he had him last weekend and this weekend) and he said he had "plans"
If he often skips his weekend because he has "plans" is there anything I can do? Is he allowed to just not take him when he wants to go partying that weekend instead? He will tell me Tues or Wed that he has plans and can't take him during his weekend, but does not have "mandatory" plans for work or school. He has social plans. This causes me to cancel any plans I have made. I don't mind getting to spend extra time with my son, I love it, but it is not fair to my son to only go with his Dad sometimes, and not fair to me to not ever make plans too much in advance (more than a day or two) as he cancels last minute. I understand I can't force him to spend time with his son, but should I have to work my life around his party schedule? Also what about when he goes to Guam and, as he has already said, will only see Ryan a few weeks in the summer (he will be in NJ after Guam so it will be the same even then). He will be like a stranger to my son. He already cries when his Dad picks him up from daycare (this breaks my heart). How is it going to work when he hasnt seen him for a year, and his Dad picks him up and takes him states away? Again I apologize for my pettiness, I am just worried for my son's sake.

YOU should ask that there be electronic visitation between son and dad while dad is overseas. That way child will be accustomed to dad while dad is away.

Does dad just have visitation?

 

[CJane]

You might want to file BEFORE Dad deploys to Guam, for a change in the visitation schedule. Something that encompasses the distance, a requirement that the child be visited in his 'home area', etc.

Make sure you address the fact that Dad is not untilizing all of his visitation NOW, and that following the current schedule w/Dad in Guam (or Jersey) is unworkable.

 

[RyansMom08]

Dad gets "custody" of him for the weekend. He will have him the whole weekend, and is supposed to have him Thurs 6-8.
The standard visitation schedule we go by has a different schedule for if we reside more than 100 miles apart, but that probably wouldnt work anyway as it says he will get every other weekend, every other Holliday, and six weeks during the summer. He said he would come for a week or two here in Texas, then take him to NY where his family resides, then bring him back here. He also wants me to let him claim him on Taxes so he has money to pay for it. (Guam and his follow on are both volunteer assignment. It was his choice to move far away from his son, but now wants me to pay for it)
Electronic visitation is a GREAT idea. Thank you.

 

[LdiJ]

Dad gets "custody" of him for the weekend. He will have him the whole weekend, and is supposed to have him Thurs 6-8.
The standard visitation schedule we go by has a different schedule for if we reside more than 100 miles apart, but that probably wouldnt work anyway as it says he will get every other weekend, every other Holliday, and six weeks during the summer. He said he would come for a week or two here in Texas, then take him to NY where his family resides, then bring him back here. He also wants me to let him claim him on Taxes so he has money to pay for it. (Guam and his follow on are both volunteer assignment. It was his choice to move far away from his son, but now wants me to pay for it)
Electronic visitation is a GREAT idea. Thank you.

Your son is nine months old now. How old will he be when dad returns from Guam? 6 continuous weeks of summer is far too long for a child that cannot understand what is going on. He will grieve for you, and just when the grieving process begins to lighten, he will go back to you and then grieve for dad.

Therefore, you definitely need to get something put in place for at least the first summer of visitation that dad will be taking. Dad should probably visit in your community, to start with, and then take a couple of shorter visits in NJ.

 

[RyansMom08]

Guam is not an "actual deployment". He will be able to take leave and come to the states whever. So he will have his first six weeks around the time my son turns two. Then three then four. It is not likely he will visit much other than the summer once he returns from Guam and goes to NJ due to the price of airline tickets.
Dont get me wrong, I want my son and his father to be close. I just dont see how that is very possible when he lives so far away (by choice as mentioned before)

 

[my life is mine]

I would act now before Dad is stationed in Guam, he will be have is normal allowance of days each month to add up. Which then he can take leave as granted, which can be 1-2 and sometimes 3 times a year at different lengths.

I would ask visitation be in your area at least until child is a bit older or Dad is stationed closer for a more normal vistation schedule.

I would ask for web cam for Dad (they are pretty cheap and if you are inclined, I would buy one for Dad). I would ask that Dad send pictures of himself for son, good decent ones. I would ask that Dad call at least once a week and for you to email once a week or every 2 weeks with kiddo updates (as you know he is changing quickly right now and will be for a while). Be proactive!!

 

[LdiJ]

I would act now before Dad is stationed in Guam, he will be have is normal allowance of days each month to add up. Which then he can take leave as granted, which can be 1-2 and sometimes 3 times a year at different lengths.

I would ask visitation be in your area at least until child is a bit older or Dad is stationed closer for a more normal vistation schedule.

I would ask for web cam for Dad (they are pretty cheap and if you are inclined, I would buy one for Dad). I would ask that Dad send pictures of himself for son, good decent ones. I would ask that Dad call at least once a week and for you to email once a week or every 2 weeks with kiddo updates (as you know he is changing quickly right now and will be for a while). Be proactive!!

If they do the webcam bit, then I would not ask that dad call. They can talk for free on the net AND see each other at the same time, therefore there is no need for dad to go to the expense of calling from Guam. With a nine month to two year old calls won't be nearly as effective as "virtual visits".

 

[my life is mine]

phone calls I was thinking as communication between Mom and Dad, not child, as child is so young.

 

[LdiJ]

phone calls I was thinking as communication between Mom and Dad, not child, as child is so young.

Mom and dad can still save money by communicating over the web, via the webcams.

 

[RyansMom08]

This is all great advice. He does not care to know what Ryan is doing or how he is doing unless he is with him. He usually gets mad now if I try to tell him all the neat new things he is doing. I will still make the effort though!
Will a lawyer be necessary for getting it changed? I did not even have one for the divorce, and am not too sure I can afford one right now.

 

[LdiJ]

This is all great advice. He does not care to know what Ryan is doing or how he is doing unless he is with him. He usually gets mad now if I try to tell him all the neat new things he is doing. I will still make the effort though!
Will a lawyer be necessary for getting it changed? I did not even have one for the divorce, and am not too sure I can afford one right now.

Its not absolutely necessary, but if you are going to do it without one I would definitely get the ball rolling now. You are short on time as it is.

 

[RyansMom08]

Where do I start?
I hope to qualify for legal aid. I believe I am about 50 dollars above cut-off.
I have yet to find a Lawyer who would be willing to have a payment plan. (if there is such lawyer?) I have never had a lawyer for anything befrore and am not totally sure how it works

 

[CJane]

What are the chances Dad will agree to a LD plan?

If he'll agree, type it up, have him sign it with a notary present, YOU sign it with a notary present, and you file it with the court. Done.

If he won't agree, it's more involved.