Going NUTS over modification

[wolfcreekgal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Wyoming

Thanks to all of you who replied to my previous threads.

I know I've been advised to go back to court to modify custody pro se and I really feel that's the right thing to do as new hubby and I cannot afford legal counsel.

Hubby believes I will lose again (even with all the evidence I have) if I go up against CP alone (even though CP will also be pro se). He appears to either have little to no faith in me and it's tearing our marriage to shreds. True, my ex is very manipulative and will even "fake" tears to get his way. And yes, I'm scared to face him alone again, but I feel I have NO other option.

Last Thursday morning we spent an hour and a half in front of an attorney who told us we didn't have enough evidence to proceed. She said to wait and see if CP misses summer visitation too (remember CP moved 1100 miles away with our four year old son). BY GOD, it's already been almost two months since I've seen my child and I'm going absolutely ballistic as it is! If CP misses summer, it won't be until Thanksgiving that the original CO says I can see him again.

Yesterday, even though this lady said she wouldn't charge us until she felt we had enough, we got a bill from her for $405! For doing absolutely NOTHING! We can't even afford to pay THAT.

Hubby has tried several means of coming up with the $6500 I'd need for an attorney and now wants to ask my Dad for it. He is 48 and I am 45. I feel we are too old to be asking "Daddy" for money.

Also, I am only here in Wyoming due to ex moving here for a job. I stayed here as I thought CP would be here forever (that's one of the reasons he got custody) with our four year old. Now, since my son is so far away, I desperately want to move back to Texas (where I am from) and we'd have the means to do so when we sell our home here.

But I am caught between a rock and a hard spot. I refuse to leave the state where the court has jurisdiction until something is done concerning my child and hubby thinks I should put that off until we have money for a lawyer.

Based on my previous thread, WOULD I have a chance of winning alone? Please be honest. Thanks!

 

[Ohiogal]

What is your son worth? And what have you been told to do about your issue on your other thread? Pride goeth before a fall.

 

[LdiJ]

Its incredible to me that an attorney would tell you that you "don't have enough" when dad moved 1100 miles away with the child with only giving one week's notice.

I do feel very strongly that you need to get this into court ASAP, but NOT with that attorney. 6500.00 is a large retainer and you don't want to be giving that much money to someone who is not going to treat the situation as urgent and isn't going to go all out for you.

Interview some other attorneys, and do NOT pay that bill she gave you.

And ditto what OG said about your pride.

 

[wolfcreekgal]

What is your son worth? And what have you been told to do about your issue on your other thread? Pride goeth before a fall.

My son is priceless, OG. And you are right. It's just that my Dad will probably say "No" considering he just gave me an advance on my inheritance seven months ago. Lacking a crystal ball, I used it to pay bills off.

BTW, it was $8000 that he gave me. If I had only known then what I know now.

 

[wolfcreekgal]

Its incredible to me that an attorney would tell you that you "don't have enough" when dad moved 1100 miles away with the child with only giving one week's notice.

I do feel very strongly that you need to get this into court ASAP, but NOT with that attorney. 6500.00 is a large retainer and you don't want to be giving that much money to someone who is not going to treat the situation as urgent and isn't going to go all out for you.

Interview some other attorneys, and do NOT pay that bill she gave you.

And ditto what OG said about your pride.

Thanks for this response. I have WAY more than just the 1100 mile move away and, like you, couldn't believe my ears when I was facing this attorney!

It seems to me like she wants a "smoking gun" and if I had that, a lawyer fresh out of law school would win. Heck, if I had that, "I" could win the case with no legal background what-so-ever! And she claimed to have 17 years of experience with this kind of situation. Yeah right.


Can I really just NOT pay her ridiculous fees and get away with it?

 

[LdiJ]

Thanks for this response. I have WAY more than just the 1100 mile move away and, like you, couldn't believe my ears when I was facing this attorney!

It seems to me like she wants a "smoking gun" and if I had that, a lawyer fresh out of law school would win. Heck, if I had that, "I" could win the case with no legal background what-so-ever! And she claimed to have 17 years of experience with this kind of situation. Yeah right.


Can I really just NOT pay her ridiculous fees and get away with it?

I cannot absolutely guarantee that. However you interviewed her and decided not to hire her. She should not have billed you unless there was an upfront agreement that you were to pay her for the consult. You certainly should not be wasting your financial resources right now to pay her...and I am not sure that you ever should.

The fact that he moved out of state like that is enough all by itself. You don't need anything else. Anything else is just icing on the cake.

 

[wolfcreekgal]

I cannot absolutely guarantee that. However you interviewed her and decided not to hire her. She should not have billed you unless there was an upfront agreement that you were to pay her for the consult. You certainly should not be wasting your financial resources right now to pay her...and I am not sure that you ever should.

The fact that he moved out of state like that is enough all by itself. You don't need anything else. Anything else is just icing on the cake.

Damn you're good! Thank you! You've put the wind back in my sails!

 

[wileybunch]

She should not have billed you unless there was an upfront agreement that you were to pay her for the consult.

Which is usually called, confusingly enough , a "Fee Agreement" or some such name like that.

 

[wolfcreekgal]

Wiley, She didn't say anything about charging for that visit. What she said was she wanted us to begin setting up a "trust fund" for her to draw out of if we wanted her to take the case. And to make certain it was always "refreshed".

That sounded pretty shady to me. I even inquired as to what kind of figure we were talking about and she couldn't (or wouldn't) answer me. I attained the $6500 figure by speaking with other attorneys and asking them what I could expect this to cost.

What really bothers me is that all of them have said there's no guarantee I would succeed. Asking my Dad for money has nothing to do with pride. My ex sheared me of that many years ago. It's about being out $6500 and still losing that makes me reluctant to ask for money.

Besides, going in pro se, even IF the judge decides my son is to remain with his father, I feel like the worse case scenario is that a long distance parenting plan would be set up. (I.e. more (and hopefully unmonitored) phone visitation, longer blocks of time when son is in my care, etc.)

Yes, I am furious with CP for doing this, but for me, it's not about winning. How does one "win" their own child? I'm doing this to ensure my child knows me as his mother, knows I love him with all my heart and someday (when he's old enough to understand) knows I never gave up on him.

It cuts me like a knife to hear my baby screaming over the phone that his step-mother just beat him with a paddle, it kills me inside to hear him tell me his dad lets him smoke and that it's "cool" and he wants to be "just like daddy". I feel the dire need to DO something when my son tells me this and I CAN'T! He tells me these things and then asks me to come pick him up. I'm 1100 miles away and I can't pick him up like I used to be able to and I feel so incredibly helpless. I feel like my son thinks I've thrown him to the wolves.

His dad will call and leave horrific messages for me when I'm not home. Saying my son wants to talk to me and then telling him: "guess you're mother doesn't want to talk to you, say bye". I try and remain composed, but the tears fall anyway.

I've gotten to the point where I am scared to call my little boy. I'm petrified he will tell me what they are doing to him there and he will suffer for it. I already called CPS about the smoking incident and that made CP VERY angry! Son is now carefully monitored as to what he can and cannot say to me.

This past Saturday was when my son cried (over the phone) telling me his step-mother had beaten him with paddle. My husband and I had planned on going out to eat before the phone call. I was so distraught we stayed home and talked extensively about calling the police instead. After much deliberation, we determined it would probably warrant VERY negative consequences for my son. I definitely don't want to cause any more trauma in his little life than he is already having to cope with.

 

[Silverplum]

Wiley, She didn't say anything about charging for that visit. What she said was she wanted us to begin setting up a "trust fund" for her to draw out of if we wanted her to take the case. And to make certain it was always "refreshed".

This is not remotely unusual. Except it's usually called a "retainer."

That sounded pretty shady to me. I even inquired as to what kind of figure we were talking about and she couldn't (or wouldn't) answer me. I attained the $6500 figure by speaking with other attorneys and asking them what I could expect this to cost.

Not remotely unusual, either: the refusal to give you a clear-cut cost answer (that's next to impossible), nor the amount other attorneys were willing to give you. I'd call $6500 a bargain.

What really bothers me is that all of them have said there's no guarantee I would succeed.

No one reputable, or smart, or decent will give you a guarantee. No one.

Just FYI.

 

[LdiJ]

This is not remotely unusual. Except it's usually called a "retainer."

Not remotely unusual, either: the refusal to give you a clear-cut cost answer (that's next to impossible), nor the amount other attorneys were willing to give you. I'd call $6500 a bargain.

No one reputable, or smart, or decent will give you a guarantee. No one.

Just FYI.

This part is unusual...she wasn't asking for a retainer, she was asking them to set up a trust fund, and she wanted it always "refreshed". I definitely would not hire an attorney who asked for that.

Wiley, She didn't say anything about charging for that visit. What she said was she wanted us to begin setting up a "trust fund" for her to draw out of if we wanted her to take the case. And to make certain it was always "refreshed".

6500.00 isn't awful for this kind of case, but its not a necessarily a bargain either. It may be if dad has the wherewithall to seriously fight this, but it may be high if the right attorney takes the right steps, promptly. It is high for a retainer however.

One thing that I absolutely agree about is that nothing is guaranteed in family law. About the only thing that she could be certain of is that she would come out of this with at least an enforceable long distance parenting schedule. However, with the right attorney she could end up with primary custody again.

 

[Silverplum]

This part is unusual...she wasn't asking for a retainer, she was asking them to set up a trust fund, and she wanted it always "refreshed". I definitely would not hire an attorney who asked for that.

Bummer for you.

EVERY family law attorney I know (in the Denver metro area, which is not the OP's area, nor is it your area) REQUIRES a monthly "refreshment" to the retainer. Every single month. No exceptions. If you can't afford it, goodbye. That's how the business runs here.

So no, it's NOT unusual...from where I sit. Your Golden Throne may be different.

I'm here to tell the OP that the attorney is NOT coming from left field. Maybe "trust fund" is the "wrong" wording. But it's a retainer, regardless of its name.

6500.00 isn't awful for this kind of case, but its not a necessarily a bargain either. It may be if dad has the wherewithall to seriously fight this, but it may be high if the right attorney takes the right steps, promptly. It is high for a retainer however.

Depends upon which attorney one hires.

Last one I hired was a $10K retainer. Monthly refreshment. No exceptions. No negotiation.

Damn, but she's a killer attorney.

One thing that I absolutely agree about is that nothing is guaranteed in family law. About the only thing that she could be certain of is that she would come out of this with at least an enforceable long distance parenting schedule. However, with the right attorney she could end up with primary custody again.

Sure, she could.

I was telling her there are no guarantees, and that no reasonable/decent/intelligent/ethical person would give her one.

 

[Ohiogal]

I cannot absolutely guarantee that. However you interviewed her and decided not to hire her. She should not have billed you unless there was an upfront agreement that you were to pay her for the consult. You certainly should not be wasting your financial resources right now to pay her...and I am not sure that you ever should.

The fact that he moved out of state like that is enough all by itself. You don't need anything else. Anything else is just icing on the cake.

I concur. When someone comes to see me they know upfront whta a consult is and I tell them that the $30 covers the consult. After that it is covered by a retainer agreement.

 

[Ohiogal]

Wiley, She didn't say anything about charging for that visit. What she said was she wanted us to begin setting up a "trust fund" for her to draw out of if we wanted her to take the case. And to make certain it was always "refreshed".

Was she talking about the IOLTA? Interest of Lawyer's Trust Account? The simple reason I ask is that I have a trust account for all of my clients that i try to have refreshed continuously. That is where the retainer goes and what I am paid from until it runs dry.

That sounded pretty shady to me. I even inquired as to what kind of figure we were talking about and she couldn't (or wouldn't) answer me. I attained the $6500 figure by speaking with other attorneys and asking them what I could expect this to cost.

Nope. It is not shady. It is pretty much required for any attorney that takes a retainer.

What really bothers me is that all of them have said there's no guarantee I would succeed. Asking my Dad for money has nothing to do with pride. My ex sheared me of that many years ago. It's about being out $6500 and still losing that makes me reluctant to ask for money.

Go to another attorney. $6500? That is a bad guess. And not necessarily a true one. There is never a guarantee with court however.

Besides, going in pro se, even IF the judge decides my son is to remain with his father, I feel like the worse case scenario is that a long distance parenting plan would be set up. (I.e. more (and hopefully unmonitored) phone visitation, longer blocks of time when son is in my care, etc.)

Try it pro se. My only point was if it was only because of money and you didn't want to spend the money you need to rethink.

Yes, I am furious with CP for doing this, but for me, it's not about winning. How does one "win" their own child? I'm doing this to ensure my child knows me as his mother, knows I love him with all my heart and someday (when he's old enough to understand) knows I never gave up on him.

And that is great. But to fight a custody battle so your child knows you never gave up? That is not the best reason. The best reason is because it is in your CHILD'S best interest and you honestly believe it is in the child's best interest. I would tell you to fight due to dad's actions. And I don't tell everyone to fight.

It cuts me like a knife to hear my baby screaming over the phone that his step-mother just beat him with a paddle, it kills me inside to hear him tell me his dad lets him smoke and that it's "cool" and he wants to be "just like daddy". I feel the dire need to DO something when my son tells me this and I CAN'T! He tells me these things and then asks me to come pick him up. I'm 1100 miles away and I can't pick him up like I used to be able to and I feel so incredibly helpless. I feel like my son thinks I've thrown him to the wolves.

Breathe. That is emotional. BREATHE. File due to the move AND get a GAL.

His dad will call and leave horrific messages for me when I'm not home. Saying my son wants to talk to me and then telling him: "guess you're mother doesn't want to talk to you, say bye". I try and remain composed, but the tears fall anyway.

BREATHE.

I've gotten to the point where I am scared to call my little boy. I'm petrified he will tell me what they are doing to him there and he will suffer for it. I already called CPS about the smoking incident and that made CP VERY angry! Son is now carefully monitored as to what he can and cannot say to me.

Deal with it a step at a time. Seriously. Breathe.

This past Saturday was when my son cried (over the phone) telling me his step-mother had beaten him with paddle. My husband and I had planned on going out to eat before the phone call. I was so distraught we stayed home and talked extensively about calling the police instead. After much deliberation, we determined it would probably warrant VERY negative consequences for my son. I definitely don't want to cause any more trauma in his little life than he is already having to cope with.

YOu need to file. Pro se. But if you can afford the attorney by getting a loan get one. Seriously. NOT the one you interviewed but another one.

 

[Ohiogal]

Bummer for you.

EVERY family law attorney I know (in the Denver metro area, which is not the OP's area, nor is it your area) REQUIRES a monthly "refreshment" to the retainer. Every single month. No exceptions. If you can't afford it, goodbye. That's how the business runs here.

So no, it's NOT unusual...from where I sit. Your Golden Throne may be different.

I'm here to tell the OP that the attorney is NOT coming from left field. Maybe "trust fund" is the "wrong" wording. But it's a retainer, regardless of its name.


Depends upon which attorney one hires.

Last one I hired was a $10K retainer. Monthly refreshment. No exceptions. No negotiation.

Damn, but she's a killer attorney.

Sure, she could.

I was telling her there are no guarantees, and that no reasonable/decent/intelligent/ethical person would give her one.

My issue with this attorney is the billing for the consult that was NOT mentioned before the consult. That is low. But I agree with what you said about the retainer and refreshment.