Nevergrowup
Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? MO
Background: Dad and I were never married, we share a 15 year old girl. I have a few more kids with my husband, he has a few more with his wife. He has visitation of e/o/w, half summer, shared holidays, once a week visits, legally. He is ordered to carry insurance, pay $500 per month in cs, split medical.
What he actually does is take her a couple of weekends a month at most...we switch weekends a lot (by mutual agreement) because of her activities, but many times it is simply because it is hard for him to have her at his home because of his wife (he has said that to me). He hasn't taken her for his mid week in about 6 years, although a couple of times a year he'll call out of the blue and take her to a movie, and that is great! He hasn't taken half the summer in a few years, just e/o/w at most. Basically, we work together very well...He calls whenever he wants more time. We are friendly with no hositilty and both want the best for her. He is a good man and she loves him and his kids.
Sorry for the book. It comes down to these issues: Stepmom is very controlling and since she learned several years ago she cannot control daughter, she spends weekends tearing her down. She hates makeup (which daughter wears very little and none around Stepmom), she hates her hair (stepmom chops her own girl's hair like a boy and hates daughter's long hair), hates her choice of activities (which Dad and I are both in favor of, even though he won't tell her that), tells her kids that daughter loves her other family much more than them, that she doesn't care about them (daughter's siblings tell her that, and Dad has confirmed it). Takes daughter's cell phone and won't let her use it (even to talk to me, which is fine, their house, their rules, but Dad calls daughter on it all the time at my house!). Bottom line, Dad doesn't feel like dealing with Stepmom so he doesn't, and daughter hates going over there. She loves her Dad and siblings, but dreads her Stepmom. Ever since Dad cheated on stepmom for months with one of her friends, she has snapped (who could blame her, but she is taking it out on MY child, her husband's child, an innocent).
I do not interfere in their household and think it is Dad's responsibility, and I do not discuss this with daughter, I just listen when she is upset and direct her to dad, and give her suggestions on how to perhaps spend better time with stepmom. Dad tells me more than I want to know, and I have simply told him that it is hurting him, because he doesn't see daughter much and the visits are full of Stepmom fighting with daughter (daughter just stares at her which makes it worse).
Dad has been out of work 6 months, and stopped paying cs, and didn't even bring it up to me. A few months later I get a check from his wife for $200 less than the amount. He asks me in May to lower it, I said I would consider it and he said the past months obviously would be the court ordered amount. Then I get a check with a memo that said January, and it was half of the new amount he wants to pay, not the real amount. I had been considering just telling him to split her expenses with me and have no formal cs, but that made me really upset, as I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. I have not cashed that check and not sure if I should...any thoughts on that? I know for a fact he is bartending at his wife's family's bar...and he doesn't hide that, and I know it is cash. They also just had another baby...their fourth together, I feel if they can afford that, he can afford cs. He no longer carries insurance (my husband provides it) and I don't bother with splitting copays and stuff, not that much money.
And here's the real problem...when I talked to him about it, he said well, if you want to talk about legal amounts, I could take her half the summer.
I know cs and visitation has nothing to do with each other, but basically he just threatened me to take her (which is legal) if I enforce cs (which is also legal). That will not only make her be with stepmom, but also cause her to get kicked off cheerleading, which she just made for high school, because he will not get her there when she needs to be. He KNEW all this and consented when she tried out.
Given the choice of cs or making her visit all that time, my choice is clear...I'll do without the money. But how do I handle this cs business with the partial checks? Do I accept them? Do I just let it ride (considering he has no intention of legally changing anything) and enforce it later? Do I try offering to split her expenses again? Do I just not care at all? She is expensive (15), but I'll work more to make up the difference...money means little to me but I feel he has a responsibility too.
I am in no way trying to keep her away from his house...she loves spending time with him and her siblings. His wife is mean enough to her for her own husband to tell me about it.
Long, I know...but I tried to answer all your questions right off the bat. Any advice, harsh or whatever, is entirely welcome.
Background: Dad and I were never married, we share a 15 year old girl. I have a few more kids with my husband, he has a few more with his wife. He has visitation of e/o/w, half summer, shared holidays, once a week visits, legally. He is ordered to carry insurance, pay $500 per month in cs, split medical.
What he actually does is take her a couple of weekends a month at most...we switch weekends a lot (by mutual agreement) because of her activities, but many times it is simply because it is hard for him to have her at his home because of his wife (he has said that to me). He hasn't taken her for his mid week in about 6 years, although a couple of times a year he'll call out of the blue and take her to a movie, and that is great! He hasn't taken half the summer in a few years, just e/o/w at most. Basically, we work together very well...He calls whenever he wants more time. We are friendly with no hositilty and both want the best for her. He is a good man and she loves him and his kids.
Sorry for the book. It comes down to these issues: Stepmom is very controlling and since she learned several years ago she cannot control daughter, she spends weekends tearing her down. She hates makeup (which daughter wears very little and none around Stepmom), she hates her hair (stepmom chops her own girl's hair like a boy and hates daughter's long hair), hates her choice of activities (which Dad and I are both in favor of, even though he won't tell her that), tells her kids that daughter loves her other family much more than them, that she doesn't care about them (daughter's siblings tell her that, and Dad has confirmed it). Takes daughter's cell phone and won't let her use it (even to talk to me, which is fine, their house, their rules, but Dad calls daughter on it all the time at my house!). Bottom line, Dad doesn't feel like dealing with Stepmom so he doesn't, and daughter hates going over there. She loves her Dad and siblings, but dreads her Stepmom. Ever since Dad cheated on stepmom for months with one of her friends, she has snapped (who could blame her, but she is taking it out on MY child, her husband's child, an innocent).
I do not interfere in their household and think it is Dad's responsibility, and I do not discuss this with daughter, I just listen when she is upset and direct her to dad, and give her suggestions on how to perhaps spend better time with stepmom. Dad tells me more than I want to know, and I have simply told him that it is hurting him, because he doesn't see daughter much and the visits are full of Stepmom fighting with daughter (daughter just stares at her which makes it worse).
Dad has been out of work 6 months, and stopped paying cs, and didn't even bring it up to me. A few months later I get a check from his wife for $200 less than the amount. He asks me in May to lower it, I said I would consider it and he said the past months obviously would be the court ordered amount. Then I get a check with a memo that said January, and it was half of the new amount he wants to pay, not the real amount. I had been considering just telling him to split her expenses with me and have no formal cs, but that made me really upset, as I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. I have not cashed that check and not sure if I should...any thoughts on that? I know for a fact he is bartending at his wife's family's bar...and he doesn't hide that, and I know it is cash. They also just had another baby...their fourth together, I feel if they can afford that, he can afford cs. He no longer carries insurance (my husband provides it) and I don't bother with splitting copays and stuff, not that much money.
And here's the real problem...when I talked to him about it, he said well, if you want to talk about legal amounts, I could take her half the summer.
I know cs and visitation has nothing to do with each other, but basically he just threatened me to take her (which is legal) if I enforce cs (which is also legal). That will not only make her be with stepmom, but also cause her to get kicked off cheerleading, which she just made for high school, because he will not get her there when she needs to be. He KNEW all this and consented when she tried out.
Given the choice of cs or making her visit all that time, my choice is clear...I'll do without the money. But how do I handle this cs business with the partial checks? Do I accept them? Do I just let it ride (considering he has no intention of legally changing anything) and enforce it later? Do I try offering to split her expenses again? Do I just not care at all? She is expensive (15), but I'll work more to make up the difference...money means little to me but I feel he has a responsibility too.
I am in no way trying to keep her away from his house...she loves spending time with him and her siblings. His wife is mean enough to her for her own husband to tell me about it.
Long, I know...but I tried to answer all your questions right off the bat. Any advice, harsh or whatever, is entirely welcome.
) to establish his rights. CS remained the same as we agreed, visitation was the same (I always agreed to whatever he needed). I got half of college and life insurance policies out of it so at least something good came of it. Then after the order, we never followed it anyway, it has always been pretty cordial...we were friends before he got married, during his separation when he was married, and now we sort of are since I refuse to talk to Stepmom and have for a few years now. Sigh...why can't everyone just get along