Returning Son From Visit

[BubblyBrunette]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA
Some background:
My son lives in OR with his father & has been for the last two yrs. I agreed to let him go move there very reluctantly but with the stipulation that he could revisit the situation in six months if he wasn't happy. Sure enough the following summer he didn't want to go back. I filed papers to get the custody modified and while we were waiting for our court date my ex came and took him back to OR with him. After working on him for awhile my son changed his mind again. By the time we went through the whole court process (I even got him an atty) it was too close to the end of the school year so the judge said that she wouldn't be making a change at that time yet I was free to come back at a later time. I told myself I wasn't going to continue if he wasn't willing to say that he wants to live here.

Now fast forward to this weekend. I flew him in on Sat. and he told me that he was really upset and is not going back to OR? I asked him what happened and he said that he cannot take his step-mom anymore and told his dad that unless she changes he would rather come back here and live with me. His dad made him sleep in the truck on Fri. night and then drove him to the airport in the morning. When he got off the plane he didn't even have a shirt though he did have a sweatshirt. He had no medication with him that he is supposed to take daily.

I tried to call his dad when we got home to find out what happened and he refuses to talk to me. He just sends me e-mails repeating that I need to send our son home on his scheduled flight today.

I'm very conflicted yet I know that if I don't put him on the plane I'll be in contempt of court. (By the way, I just had his dad down here in court on contempt charges for not sending him in March because he thought the flight I arranged was too early in the morning 7 a.m. He almost went to jail but I dropped it with predjudice as long as he agrees to the flights I arrange in the future. I pay for all travel expenses & child support).

Any suggestions???

 

[Just Blue]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA
Some background:
My son lives in OR with his father & has been for the last two yrs. I agreed to let him go move there very reluctantly but with the stipulation that he could revisit the situation in six months if he wasn't happy. Sure enough the following summer he didn't want to go back. I filed papers to get the custody modified and while we were waiting for our court date my ex came and took him back to OR with him. After working on him for awhile my son changed his mind again. By the time we went through the whole court process (I even got him an atty) it was too close to the end of the school year so the judge said that she wouldn't be making a change at that time yet I was free to come back at a later time. I told myself I wasn't going to continue if he wasn't willing to say that he wants to live here.

Now fast forward to this weekend. I flew him in on Sat. and he told me that he was really upset and is not going back to OR? I asked him what happened and he said that he cannot take his step-mom anymore and told his dad that unless she changes he would rather come back here and live with me. His dad made him sleep in the truck on Fri. night and then drove him to the airport in the morning. When he got off the plane he didn't even have a shirt though he did have a sweatshirt. He had no medication with him that he is supposed to take daily.

I tried to call his dad when we got home to find out what happened and he refuses to talk to me. He just sends me e-mails repeating that I need to send our son home on his scheduled flight today.

I'm very conflicted yet I know that if I don't put him on the plane I'll be in contempt of court. (By the way, I just had his dad down here in court on contempt charges for not sending him in March because he thought the flight I arranged was too early in the morning 7 a.m. He almost went to jail but I dropped it with predjudice as long as he agrees to the flights I arrange in the future. I pay for all travel expenses & child support).

Any suggestions???

My suggestion would be to NOT allow a CHILD to dictate your lives.

 

[Banned_Princess]

Its the downfall of or society really, allowing children to dictate their parents lives.

 

[BubblyBrunette]

So neither of you think making a 16 yr. old sleep in a car by himself overnight and not sending medication that he needs to take on a daily basis is abuse in someway?

I'm very concerned about sending him back when he doesn't want to go. He just told me that he'll just run away but he will not stay with them.

I have a hr. 1/2 to go until I have to take him to the airport. This just makes me sick with worry for him.

 

[Banned_Princess]

Well, first off you should have said he was 16, and what is he doing sleeping in a car. (EDIT- well, teenages need dicipline. you may think your son is a perfect angel, but it seems he is causing problems at home. Dont give in to him, your ex has the right to dicipline as he sees fit. and obviously dad feels like he can handle it, or he would have sent him back to you the first time.)

He's almost 18, thats when you can let him do what he wants. I hope that works out for you.

Second off, if cort orders say he has to be ging back to your ex in 1/2 half hour, you better get that yongin in the car.

Obviously the judge did not agree with you that he should not be made to return to his father. And the judge certainly did not agree 'that your son should do whatever he wants. So, say goodbye, and tell him he can decide at 18. Makes no sence to argue this matter now.

he's not a baby, he's 16. of corse he doesnt want to do stuff. teenagers never do.

if he runs away dont you take him back. let him actually live in the street for a while. maby dads house wont be so bad after that.

KIDS SHOULD NOT DICTATE THERE PARENTS CHOICES.

 

[BubblyBrunette]

I'm sorry for not stating his age in the first place and I realize that those of you viewing these threads are offering advice base on what you see written here.

I have a hr. 1/2 to leave for the airport, we will be fine. His flight is at 12:30 p.m. today. I'm just concerned for him. You'd have to know his step-mom to understand. Even his (son's) attorney was worried for him because of her different parenting style and put that in her report but as I said the judge didn't want to make a move at the time previously as it was too close to the end of the school year.

For now, I gave him his attorney's card and his therapists #'s and told him that he should find a way to call them tomorrow. He should talk to a counselor at school or somebody as making him sleep in a car is not okay in my opinion.

I will also call my atty. tomorrow to get his opinion on the matter.

Thanks for your responses though.

 

[Just Blue]

So neither of you think making a 16 yr. old sleep in a car by himself overnight and not sending medication that he needs to take on a daily basis is abuse in someway?

I'm very concerned about sending him back when he doesn't want to go. He just told me that he'll just run away but he will not stay with them.

I have a hr. 1/2 to go until I have to take him to the airport. This just makes me sick with worry for him.

No. Abuse is when a "parent", such as yourself, abdicates their responsibility as a parent. At 16 Junior is old enough to pack his own meds.

 

[LdiJ]

No. Abuse is when a "parent", such as yourself, abdicates their responsibility as a parent. At 16 Junior is old enough to pack his own meds.

Since he had to sleep in the car and they apparently left straight for the airport after that, he clearly didn't have the opportunity to pack anything...the boy had nothing with him at all.

 

[Banned_Princess]

Since he had to sleep in the car and they apparently left straight for the airport after that, he clearly didn't have the opportunity to pack anything...the boy had nothing with him at all.

To you believe the kid had nothing to do with why he had to sleep in the car then leave straight to the airport, or do you think the dad and step mom are just out of control mean and forced him out to the car practically naked while he sat quietly and read books about wildlife?

Obviously there was a fight, and 16 year olds notoriously push things to points they themselves have never pushed before, and a power struggle is going on, and the parent has to win.

 

[LdiJ]

To you believe the kid had nothing to do with why he had to sleep in the car then leave straight to the airport, or do you think the dad and step mom are just out of control mean and forced him out to the car practically naked while he sat quietly and read books about wildlife?

Obviously there was a fight, and 16 year olds notoriously push things to points they themselves have never pushed before, and a power struggle is going on, and the parent has to win.

That wasn't a particularly admirable or sensible way to "win". That 16 year old could have easily gotten out of the car and taken off for part's unknown.
Dad could also have easily packed a bag for him for his weekend with mom, even if dad didn't want to let him back in the house.

Also, some stepparents honestly can be problems, we have seen MANY examples of them on these forums.

Now, having said that, mom really has no choice but to send him back to dad, and work through legal channels again to change custody. My concern however would be if he refuses to get on the plane. The airline won't allow her to force him to get on the plane, and he is old enough that they might not even allow her to accompany him to the gate.

 

[stealth2]

and he is old enough that they might not even allow her to accompany him to the gate.

I have yet to have an airline tell me that I cannot accompany my under 18 yo to the gate. What they HAVE told me is that once he turns 18, he will go through on his own.

As for refusing to board the plane... Sorry, but my kids (15 1/2 and 17 1/2) would never dream of refusing to board the flight to their Dad's. Because it is clear to them that there will be consequences in my home should they do so. It isn't even a topic of discussion. Despite the issues with their relationships.

 

[CJane]

I'm curious about this medication that MUST be taken every day.

Is it allergy meds? Anti-seizure medication?

 

[BubblyBrunette]

His medication is for ADD/Anti Anxiety. I did send him on the plane and his father finally called me to see if I did and we spoke. He then spoke with our son when he got off the plane and they called me to ask when the soonest I could fly him back was as he wasn't going to keep him there against his will.

Then about a 1/2 hr. later I received another call telling me that he will have him see his doctor first and therapist and if they all agree that it's better he move back with me then he will not fight it.

I truly don't think his step-mother understands his issues nor does his father as they really didn't have to deal with him first hand until he moved there 2 yrs. ago. During the first year that he was living with them, she threw him in the shower with all his clothes on as they were having a disagreement and he threatened to kill himself. They had him taken to the emergency room and didn't want them to contact me.

For those of you that think I'm over-indulging him, until you walk in the shoes that I have you'll never know. I'm very strict and don't let him play us off each other but in this situation, I'm surprised he lasted this long.

Anyway, thank you for taking the time to respond. I've put my attorney on notice and will just go from there. I will not take him back however without something in writing saying he gave me his permission.