Need some advice.....

[starting over]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Kentucky

This is long, but I am struggling.....I need some guidance on a situation Ive been asked to get involved in. In 5 years, somehow I have managed to stay out of situations involving my step-children, only offering my Husband my opinion on matters and staying friendly with the exs. One year I even had one up for Thanksgiving so the children would not have to choose where to go for dinner. I want to help, but I do have some concerns.

I am a step-mom to 10 children. My Husband has a good relationship with most of them, however he has a daughter, she turned 18 today, that he has not really had much of a relationship with.

Well, the Daughter & I have always been on good terms. She graduated with my son and I have always been respected by her. I don't see her much, but there have been times that she would only come to visit her Dad after calling me to make sure I was home.

Well, Mom is making some choices regarding DSD's finances. Mom has not always been the best at money management, she gets loans to cover loans. Not my choice, but hers. Well, she was trying to help DSS out of a precarious situation and took over the loan on a car. She gave the car to DSD when she was 16. The car had over a 300 payment a month and the child didn't even have a job. My Husband and I discussed it, we felt the child was being set up to fail. Car was wrecked, insurance covered the loan (most of it)

Well, Mom wanted to get DSD a car for x-mas and contacted Husband to co-sign. Hubby wanted to get her a "cheap" car that could be paid in cash just in case she decided to play bumper cars again. Mom wouldn't hear of it & purchased her a pick up truck with 8000 miles. Childs payments are 250 a month and 200 month for insurance.

Well, I spoke with DSD earlier this week. Apparantly, Mom is wanting her to turn over 1500 out of 1600 in financial aid she is getting. Mom told her that "she owed her" She just started college this semester. Also, I became aware that Mom is also picking up DSD's paycheck everyweek and DSD doesn't see any of it. She is working 40 hrs a week at a grocery store. Mom also told DSD that she is not bringing in enough money, so she has applied for a 3rd shift position as a waitress.

Well, DSD told Mom that she wasnt giving her the financial aid money and Mom kicked her out. We have offered for her to live with us, but she chose to move in with a girlfriend. Well, Mom now want to turn over title to the truck to DSD and attach a 7500 lien on it, from what we understand this is all that she paid for the truck and she has the loan wrapped up with the loan on her car which she paid 18000 for. We are concerned. It seems like this child is being taken for a financial ride, by her Mom.

Well, Dad wants to get DSD a car and tell Mom to keep the truck. Mom is already threatening that if she doesn't do as she wants, she will take it from her. We feel that she needs the tools (car) not to be under her Mom's thumb. Well, DH has asked me to contact SD to talk to her about this, he feels that she would listen to me better than him (he is right) Basically, wants me to open up the lines of communication between them. I can do that, but I know that if she chooses to tell Mom that she is now stuck with the truck and finds out Dad got her a car......it's gonna hit the fan. I think DH is making a good decision, but the fall out is going to be horrendousWhat is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

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My question is I know legally there is nothing the Mom can do if I get involved since the child is 18 as of today. However, since I have tried very hard not to be considered an "over stepping step" If I got involved at my Husbands request would this be considered overstepping? Like I said, I typically stay out of things with the children and want to make sure of boundaries just in case something like this comes up with any of the younger ones

 

[Antigone*]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Kentucky

This is long, but I am struggling.....I need some guidance on a situation Ive been asked to get involved in. In 5 years, somehow I have managed to stay out of situations involving my step-children, only offering my Husband my opinion on matters and staying friendly with the exs. One year I even had one up for Thanksgiving so the children would not have to choose where to go for dinner. I want to help, but I do have some concerns.

I am a step-mom to 10 children. My Husband has a good relationship with most of them, however he has a daughter, she turned 18 today, that he has not really had much of a relationship with.

Well, the Daughter & I have always been on good terms. She graduated with my son and I have always been respected by her. I don't see her much, but there have been times that she would only come to visit her Dad after calling me to make sure I was home.

Well, Mom is making some choices regarding DSD's finances. Mom has not always been the best at money management, she gets loans to cover loans. Not my choice, but hers. Well, she was trying to help DSS out of a precarious situation and took over the loan on a car. She gave the car to DSD when she was 16. The car had over a 300 payment a month and the child didn't even have a job. My Husband and I discussed it, we felt the child was being set up to fail. Car was wrecked, insurance covered the loan (most of it)

Well, Mom wanted to get DSD a car for x-mas and contacted Husband to co-sign. Hubby wanted to get her a "cheap" car that could be paid in cash just in case she decided to play bumper cars again. Mom wouldn't hear of it & purchased her a pick up truck with 8000 miles. Childs payments are 250 a month and 200 month for insurance.

Well, I spoke with DSD earlier this week. Apparantly, Mom is wanting her to turn over 1500 out of 1600 in financial aid she is getting. Mom told her that "she owed her" She just started college this semester. Also, I became aware that Mom is also picking up DSD's paycheck everyweek and DSD doesn't see any of it. She is working 40 hrs a week at a grocery store. Mom also told DSD that she is not bringing in enough money, so she has applied for a 3rd shift position as a waitress.

Well, DSD told Mom that she wasnt giving her the financial aid money and Mom kicked her out. We have offered for her to live with us, but she chose to move in with a girlfriend. Well, Mom now want to turn over title to the truck to DSD and attach a 7500 lien on it, from what we understand this is all that she paid for the truck and she has the loan wrapped up with the loan on her car which she paid 18000 for. We are concerned. It seems like this child is being taken for a financial ride, by her Mom.

Well, Dad wants to get DSD a car and tell Mom to keep the truck. Mom is already threatening that if she doesn't do as she wants, she will take it from her. We feel that she needs the tools (car) not to be under her Mom's thumb. Well, DH has asked me to contact SD to talk to her about this, he feels that she would listen to me better than him (he is right) Basically, wants me to open up the lines of communication between them. I can do that, but I know that if she chooses to tell Mom that she is now stuck with the truck and finds out Dad got her a car......it's gonna hit the fan. I think DH is making a good decision, but the fall out is going to be horrendousWhat is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

I think that DSD should leave the truck in mommy's driveway. Leave the keys in the house with a note that says "here is your vehicle. Do with it as you wish."

DD should do whatever makes him feel good. If he wants to give her a car, then great.

Aside from that, you should stay out of it.

 

[Proserpina]

SD is 18 and an adult and, honestly, is free to have any kind of close relationship with OP whether the parent likes it or not.

Having said that....

There are other children involved here - while it's true that Mom can no longer make things difficult for OP and Dad in terms of the 18 year old...Mom can still quite easily, should she be peeved enough to retaliate, make life miserable for everyone else. specially if she's feeling very slighted.

There's nothing wrong with encouraging SD to deal with this herself, however she sees fit - I can't see any negatives in supporting SD, just as long as everyone is aware that Mom could take this the wrong way and become difficult..

 

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Thats exactly what he feels she needs to do, but since she has always done what she has been "told" by her Mom, it would take some encouragement from DH's part (to let her know that she has his support)

DH wants to talk to her, but he was wanting me to "feel out the situation" to see if it is something she would be receptive to. DD seems on the defensive when Dad tries to talk to her, like I said he was never around like he should have been and she resents him for that (I don't blame her, he made some very poor choices) We both, actually all 3 know that Mom will be HOT is she chooses this path.

Thanks for the advice, DH is going to have to "Dad up" & handle this on his own.

 

[starting over]

SD is 18 and an adult and, honestly, is free to have any kind of close relationship with OP whether the parent likes it or not.

Having said that....

There are other children involved here - while it's true that Mom can no longer make things difficult for OP and Dad in terms of the 18 year old...Mom can still quite easily, should she be peeved enough to retaliate, make life miserable for everyone else. specially if she's feeling very slighted.

There's nothing wrong with encouraging SD to deal with this herself, however she sees fit - I can't see any negatives in supporting SD, just as long as everyone is aware that Mom could take this the wrong way and become difficult..

Luckily, SD is the last "minor" child DH has with this lady (thank goodness) but, she does have a knack of rallying the older ones when the need suits her. DH has 4 children with this Mom. She also happens to be my Mom's Home Health Nurse so she tells my Mom things that she shouldn't be telling. Like I said, I try not to rock any boats or sink the Titanic Somehow, MY Mom seems to know a bit more than I do in their little "gossip sessions"

 

[Proserpina]

Luckily, SD is the last "minor" child DH has with this lady (thank goodness) but, she does have a knack of rallying the older ones when the need suits her. DH has 4 children with this Mom. She also happens to be my Mom's Home Health Nurse so she tells my Mom things that she shouldn't be telling. Like I said, I try not to rock any boats or sink the Titanic Somehow, MY Mom seems to know a bit more than I do in their little "gossip sessions"

Oh well hang on a sec - knowing this I think I want to change my answer!

If that's the case, then I don't honestly see much wrong with either talking to SD yourself - at least a little bit, initially - or acting as liaison (if you will) between her and Dad. Doing so may even make the bond between her and Dad even stronger - if she trusts you that's a huge step in cementing the relationship between all of you, frankly. Nobody is pushing Mom out of the picture - and if she's going to be difficult, she's going to be difficult whether it's right over this matter or another five years down the line.

(any chance of Mom getting a different nurse, btw?!)

 

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Oh well hang on a sec - knowing this I think I want to change my answer!

If that's the case, then I don't honestly see much wrong with either talking to SD yourself - at least a little bit, initially - or acting as liaison (if you will) between her and Dad. Doing so may even make the bond between her and Dad even stronger - if she trusts you that's a huge step in cementing the relationship between all of you, frankly. Nobody is pushing Mom out of the picture - and if she's going to be difficult, she's going to be difficult whether it's right over this matter or another five years down the line.

(any chance of Mom getting a different nurse, btw?!)

Thanks Dog, I appreciate that. She and I have always been close. Her Mom even made the comment to MY Mom that she hoped I would marry DH, that maybe then she would feel more comfortable being around him. She wants to see her Dad, but she is definately more comfortable when I am around.

I will have to think on this a bit, but I definately appreciate everyone's opinions on this issue. Like I said, I know there are boundaries and I don't want to create any issues (there are enough without my help)

As far as Mom getting another Nurse, kicker is that she requested her. They have known each other for years. It gets more interesting, her oldest Daughter (my other SD) is the RN that runs the Home Health Agency. So Mom works for her Daughter......yeah, only in Kentucky

 

[starting over]

Update....

I spoke with DH last night and we discussed my getting involved. He made some good points, and after considering there are no "legal" ramifications (based on your opinions) I decided to call DSD.

I was VERY cautious in what I said to her. I made it a point NOT to degrade/accuse Mom in any way shape or form. I did however tell her that her Dad & I have spoken extensively about this and we are both concerned about what we have been told. DH did call Mom and talk to her about the situation, he was even more concerned after that conversation.

DSD was very happy to hear from me regarding this. Apparantly, even though she loves her Mom, she does not think the situation is being very fair to her (she seemed relieved to have someone that she trusts to vent to ) She also let me know some other things, not related to finances that have been going on in the home. Poor kid is definately being used in more ways than one. However, I just listened to her, keeping my opinions to myself. I did tell her that I would be relaying our conversation to Dad, so he was aware of all of the information. She was ok with that, I don't think she wanted to have to explain everything again.

I explained to her that her Dad is supporting whatever choice she makes and he will help her to ensure that she is not without a vehicle. This child is making the right choices in life at this point (working and going to college) and I will make sure Dad helps her in anyway we can. I told her that if things went to pot very quickly, she could use Dads work vehicle and he would drive his truck until we could figure something else out. I told her that before she agrees to have the truck titled to her or made any choices about this, she needed to talk to Dad. And to keep in mind, although he is kind of gruff in his speaking, his heart is in the right place regarding this. She assured me she would call him.

They did speak, however briefliy, but DSD said she would call him back. So, I did open up the communication and also let DSD know that we both have her back, no matter what her choice.

Thanks everyone for your advice, although it was necessarily legal. It did help me to know that I wasnt putting my nose where it didn't belong

 

[Proserpina]

I spoke with DH last night and we discussed my getting involved. He made some good points, and after considering there are no "legal" ramifications (based on your opinions) I decided to call DSD.

I was VERY cautious in what I said to her. I made it a point NOT to degrade/accuse Mom in any way shape or form. I did however tell her that her Dad & I have spoken extensively about this and we are both concerned about what we have been told. DH did call Mom and talk to her about the situation, he was even more concerned after that conversation.

DSD was very happy to hear from me regarding this. Apparantly, even though she loves her Mom, she does not think the situation is being very fair to her (she seemed relieved to have someone that she trusts to vent to ) She also let me know some other things, not related to finances that have been going on in the home. Poor kid is definately being used in more ways than one. However, I just listened to her, keeping my opinions to myself. I did tell her that I would be relaying our conversation to Dad, so he was aware of all of the information. She was ok with that, I don't think she wanted to have to explain everything again.

I explained to her that her Dad is supporting whatever choice she makes and he will help her to ensure that she is not without a vehicle. This child is making the right choices in life at this point (working and going to college) and I will make sure Dad helps her in anyway we can. I told her that if things went to pot very quickly, she could use Dads work vehicle and he would drive his truck until we could figure something else out. I told her that before she agrees to have the truck titled to her or made any choices about this, she needed to talk to Dad. And to keep in mind, although he is kind of gruff in his speaking, his heart is in the right place regarding this. She assured me she would call him.

They did speak, however briefliy, but DSD said she would call him back. So, I did open up the communication and also let DSD know that we both have her back, no matter what her choice.

Thanks everyone for your advice, although it was necessarily legal. It did help me to know that I wasnt putting my nose where it didn't belong

You did good.

You did better than good - you did awesome. Your SD is a lucky young woman

 

[starting over]

You did good.

You did better than good - you did awesome. Your SD is a lucky young woman

Thank you, you have no idea how much that means to me. I read this board daily, have witnessed over-stepping steps and never want to be viewed that way by anyone, especially my step-children. Most of them don't like me, but it's not my fault, I have tried to get along with them all but we really don't click. There is an age difference between their Dad & I, so several of them are close to me in age. They didn't agree with our relationship from the get-go, but it wasn't their decision to make.

They don't realize, I have went to bat for them several times with their Dad. Whenever a situation arises, my DH tells me about it and sometimes I STRONGLY express my opinion in the favor of the child (adult or otherwise) they don't know this, but because of our Husband & Wife discussions, he has done more for them than he would have if it were only left up to him They think Dad is the greatest, not knowing the behind the scenes conversations that talked him into it

But, I do care about all of them. They are not my children, but they are part of my DH....so, I do love them even though I don't always agree with their behaviors. But, I feel that way about my children too sometimes

I just feel every child needs a support system, especially from their parents....JMHO

 

[Proserpina]

Thank you, you have no idea how much that means to me. I read this board daily, have witnessed over-stepping steps and never want to be viewed that way by anyone, especially my step-children. Most of them don't like me, but it's not my fault, I have tried to get along with them all but we really don't click. There is an age difference between their Dad & I, so several of them are close to me in age. They didn't agree with our relationship from the get-go, but it wasn't their decision to make.

They don't realize, I have went to bat for them several times with their Dad. Whenever a situation arises, my DH tells me about it and sometimes I STRONGLY express my opinion in the favor of the child (adult or otherwise) they don't know this, but because of our Husband & Wife discussions, he has done more for them than he would have if it were only left up to him They think Dad is the greatest, not knowing the behind the scenes conversations that talked him into it

But, I do care about all of them. They are not my children, but they are part of my DH....so, I do love them even though I don't always agree with their behaviors. But, I feel that way about my children too sometimes

I just feel every child needs a support system, especially from their parents....JMHO

This just genuinely warms my heart. Please stick around the boards - many posters (myself included) could learn a lot from you.