Is this legal??

[moldableman]

You're not being asked to love her less. You're being asked to respect the rights of her father. This is not about you - at all.



Neither of her parents are perfect - nobody is even loosely suggesting that's the case. But again, you've made it about you - seriously, re-read your posts here. There is so much "I" and so little anything else that it's understandable if Dad - however much of a deadbeat loser he may or may not be - is feeling threatened.

It's not about you. It's about this child, and the dynamic between her, her father, and her mother. You are secondary.



Yes, now it's about damage control. If you want that child to grow into a healthy, well-adjusted, secure young lady, step back some. She knows you love her - you know she loves you. There's no need for insecurity on your part, so step back a little.

Do the right thing.

Perhaps you are right.. It is very personal to me. I know he feels threatened. It is just going to be weird, not only for her, but for her sisters, that she has to call me Donnie while her sisters can still call me daddy. I wish this could have been dealt with years ago. I certainly do not want my wife being held in contempt.

 

[PQN]

Not saying "we" is important

What you are saying is very ignorant. It is dumb for people to think that stepparents aren't influential. I really don't want to get off on this "we" thing. WE are married, and WE raise all of our kids the same way. And WE don't care how YOU feel about it. It is unfair to alienate children. Whether or not I fathered her has nothing to do with how she feels loved in our house.

There is a "we" when you are talking about loving the child, but legally the only "we" are her legal parents. When I first came to this board I was a little put-off by how militant the senior members are about not using "we" to include a step-parent. But there is a good reason for it. If you are using "we" when you talk about the situation, it is easy to overstep your legal boundaries and it is even easier to misspeak and say "we" in front of the wrong people (dad, court, etc.).

Since you already have a court order due to you overstepping (allowing another man's child to call you dad), I would be very careful not to give the court any reason to think you haven't learned from their orders.

My sister wanted to call our step-dad "dad" since she was 12 years old, but my mom & step-dad never allowed it because our dad was still nominally around (paid child support, visited a couple of times per year). The day she turned 18, she started calling him dad.

A previous poster suggested coming up with another special title for you. Maybe let her help pick out a new name for you and have it be special between you??? A friend's daughter called her stepdad TwoD (pronounced Too-Dee) short for Two Dad cause he was her second dad.

 

[Rushia]

Perhaps you are right.. It is very personal to me. I know he feels threatened. It is just going to be weird, not only for her, but for her sisters, that she has to call me Donnie while her sisters can still call me daddy. I wish this could have been dealt with years ago. I certainly do not want my wife being held in contempt.

That is a crock. I have 2 children with my ex husband and one with my current. My ex husband has another child with his current wife. NOT ONE of those children feel any less loved by a step or a parent because a child calls one mom or dad and not the other.

 

[Proserpina]

And now there's a chance to fix it - at least to some degree.

Being a step-parent can be infinitely more difficult and frustrating than people might think; but it's something we take on willingly. Unfortunately most of us don't realize exactly how hard it can be until we're about to completely mess up the entire family dynamic by insisting that our rights are at least equal to those of the actual parents - and moreso when we're faced with the cold brutal reality: we get to love them, nurture them, wipe the tears, kiss the booboos....and then have to keep our mouths shut when we're all but foaming at the mouth if or when the other parent acts like a selfish brat in the school yard.

If anything, it's a lesson in patience.....and selflessness.

 

[moldableman]

There is a "we" when you are talking about loving the child, but legally the only "we" are her legal parents. When I first came to this board I was a little put-off by how militant the senior members are about not using "we" to include a step-parent. But there is a good reason for it. If you are using "we" when you talk about the situation, it is easy to overstep your legal boundaries and it is even easier to misspeak and say "we" in front of the wrong people (dad, court, etc.).

Since you already have a court order due to you overstepping (allowing another man's child to call you dad), I would be very careful not to give the court any reason to think you haven't learned from their orders.

My sister wanted to call our step-dad "dad" since she was 12 years old, but my mom & step-dad never allowed it because our dad was still nominally around (paid child support, visited a couple of times per year). The day she turned 18, she started calling him dad.

A previous poster suggested coming up with another special title for you. Maybe let her help pick out a new name for you and have it be special between you??? A friend's daughter called her stepdad TwoD (pronounced Too-Dee) short for Two Dad cause he was her second dad.

Good advice. Sorry to be so defensive. I was raised to be a fighter. Thanks dad!

 

[moldableman]

That is a crock. I have 2 children with my ex husband and one with my current. My ex husband has another child with his current wife. NOT ONE of those children feel any less loved by a step or a parent because a child calls one mom or dad and not the other.

I am on the verge of telling you off. Perhaps you have a dysfunctional family. I would imagine that your kids were older when you were divorced as well. You are not in my position and every family is different. Don't talk to me any more

 

[Proserpina]

I am on the verge of telling you off. Perhaps you have a dysfunctional family. I would imagine that your kids were older when you were divorced as well. You are not in my position and every family is different. Don't talk to me any more

Oh for pete's sake - what are you, 12?!

This is NOT a playground - you are not playing "wave the wiener" with some other kid. This is a child's LIFE.

 

[Isis1]

I am on the verge of telling you off. Perhaps you have a dysfunctional family. I would imagine that your kids were older when you were divorced as well. You are not in my position and every family is different. Don't talk to me any more

uh, why? i called my stepdad "dad" for many years. then i stopped. he is still one of the greatest men i will ever know. children will get over it. even faster once they are grown up. i have many role models. sad to say, not one is blood related. your stepdaughter will be fine not calling you daddy. i promise.

 

[Rushia]

I am on the verge of telling you off. Perhaps you have a dysfunctional family. I would imagine that your kids were older when you were divorced as well. You are not in my position and every family is different. Don't talk to me any more

LOL. Your dx is waaaayyyy off. Go back to school. My son was 2 and my daughter was 4 months old when we seperated. I started dating my DH when the kids were 3 and 18 months. My ex, my DH and I all work at the same place and talk daily. My kids stepmom is my best friend. They watch my youngest and I watch theirs. The children did elect a few years ago to call steps as they wished with parental consent AND it's noted in court transcripts. My husband totally supports all three of my children but completely and utterly understands that he is NOT the father of my oldest two and RESPECTS their father, even if he doesn't like him very much.

 

[Just Blue]

I am on the verge of telling you off. Perhaps you have a dysfunctional family. I would imagine that your kids were older when you were divorced as well. You are not in my position and every family is different. Don't talk to me any more

I really can't understand why any of the VOLUNTEERS of this site are bothering with you.

Just ignore the court order and watch as your WIFE loses custody to her ex. Then go to one of those STEP-parent support site and complain that the judicial system is nasty.

 

[Rushia]

I really can't understand why any of the VOLUNTEERS of this site are bothering with you.

Just ignore the court order and watch as your WIFE loses custody to her ex. Then go to one of those STEP-parent support site and complain that the judicial system is nasty.

Didja like how wrong he was about me?

 

[Isis1]

Didja like how wrong he was about me?

anyone who gets along with an ex, his new wife IS dysfunctional!!! and your ex gets along with your current husband?? ya'll need to be in a straightjacket!!

 

[Just Blue]

Didja like how wrong he was about me?

Yeah...I loved it!!


Seriously...This guy is a waste of time. His wife has been told to stop allowing the alienation against Dad and this Bozo is questioning if the JUDGE issued a LEGAL order???

Waste. Of. Time.

 

[Rushia]

anyone who gets along with an ex, his new wife IS dysfunctional!!! and your ex gets along with your current husband?? ya'll need to be in a straightjacket!!

Our court papers refer to us as a nontraditional intact family. DH and I get along with ex for the children. Ex's wife is just SUPER cool! Our children are happy and that's what matters to me so bring on that straight jacket!

 

[Rushia]

Yeah...I loved it!!


Seriously...This guy is a waste of time. His wife has been told to stop allowing the alienation against Dad and this Bozo is questioning if the JUDGE issued a LEGAL order???

Waste. Of. Time.

I didn't agree with him overstepping so that means I am dysfunctional.