mediator to easy

[californiamom3]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA
Dad was ordered: N/A attendance, anger management classes, random drug testing, valid drivers license, turn in foreign passport, phych. eval. on top of counseling and to provide a stable home environment.
I just spoke to the mediator and she informed me that he has completed anger classes and has a valid DL. (none of the others were mentioned by her)
She is recommending that he get 50% custody. (I now have 100% legal and physical.)
So I asked he about the other orders. Her words, "Hasn't he done enough?"
We have a custody/support hearing this Wednesday.
Can I ask for a different mediator? It seems that dad sheds a tear and this lady gives him anything he wants. It's also obvious to me that the mediator has not read any of the previous orders. Is that normal?
If I were to bring up my frustrations will that look bad on me to the judge?
Thanks ahead of time.

 

[michandil]

In my opinion, it is not acceptable for a mediator to recommend that you and the father violate court orders. Is it normal? No, not normal, but in a way, not uncommon.

I have seen similar situations. I've seen some mediators who operate under some dangerous premises: (1) that the right way, or justice, is found only in a compromise between the two parties regardless of the parties' positions and situations, (2) that the courts are too harsh and unkindly and making nice is a more important principle than adhering to law or court orders, and (3) that the mediators' role is to pressure parties to compromise, without reference to legal rights or processes that protect individuals in the legal system. I have seen this most often in mediators with a mental health background and in those lawyer-mediators who have become so disillusioned by the legal system that they have swung to the extreme of rejecting its validity.

Do you have a lawyer?
Is this a court-appointed mediator?
Is the mediator making a recommendation to the court Wednesday?

If you do not have a lawyer, and this is a court-appointed mediator who is going to give a recommendation to the court, I would handle it this way. I would prepare an outline of the points you want to make ahead of time. I'd tell the court that you cannot agree to violate a court order, especially since the father has a serious recent history of drug abuse and you're concerned for your children and think it is necessary to see proof of treatment and recovery for a reasonable period of time since addiction is so difficult to overcome. I'd request a graduated schedule of visitation, beginning with supervised visitation with a mental health professional specializing in children's therapy and reporting requirements for the father. I'd ask that the court increase time gradually, with increased independence graduated to protect the children while respecting their right to a relationship with their father so long as he is safe and responsible while they visit him.

I would not slam the mediator or ask for a new one. Question the recommendation rather than the person. I have seen too many judges far too dependent upon their select mediators and assessment teams, and take great offense when their team or judgment in selecting a mediator is questioned.

 

[californiamom3]

Dad and kids have already gone from supervised to unsupervised for the past 3 months. They have visitation for 2 hours once a week. There are other orders violated that the mediator shrugged her shoulders about as well. It was specific in the orders that the kids initiate contact with him. Since that order he has consistently phones and texted our oldest. He consistently emails her speaking about visitations etc. When brought up to the mediator she asked me, "Has he violated any BIG orders?" My jaw dropped. Minor infractions....maybe... but none the less, court orders. The orders that he turn in his passport is a big one. He is currently restrained from driving the children out of the county. (due to previous threats of taking them overseas) This and many other things point to the mediator not reading any of the previous orders. This man threatened to burn my house down once.....called my cell phone 56 times in 1/2 hour. Crazy stuff. I could go on and on.
She doesn't seem to understand that there are reasons behind previous orders and why "Baby steps" need to be taken at this point.
I will not mention the mediator to the judge.
I will indeed write up a statement explaining why I think certain steps (following court orders) are necessary. I'll do my best to not "bash" dad and/or mediator.
I will explain my fears, etc. I don't want to sound like a cry baby either. I'm not out to get anybody. I just want steps to be followed and precautions to be had.
Thanks to michandil for your wise words.

 

[californiamom3]

Update from hearing today

I can without a doubt say that my mediator does not care for me. In a sick way I find it somewhat amusing. In her report she stated things that I never said and made many assumptions based on what I really did say.
Although I think things are going a little too fast all went fairly well. Lucky for me the judge seems to be able to get past dads tears and see through him. Didn't hurt that he got angry and was reprimanded as well.
Custody was changed to 50% legal with him having every other Sunday (full day) and one evening a week. He complained about not getting every Sunday and stated right there in court that he has Saturdays off. When asked why he doesn't chose to do visitation on Saturdays rather than a Sunday where he'd be loosing work.....he said, "Saturdays are my only day off. "
Don't ask me why a man would not want to spend the day with his kids. (I do actually have an answer but it's not a very nice one)
I do have a question....
Now that dad has 50% legal but only has Sundays and one evening a week visits is he allowed to come to the kids sporting events and such that are not on his days?
It does not say specifically in the new order. It just says that I am to provide him with copies of report cards, inform him of Dr. stuff.....the regular.
Sharing custody is new to me.....I want to do it right from the get go...ya know?
Thanks again, you guys are always a great resource for me.

 

[Hisbabygirl77]

I can without a doubt say that my mediator does not care for me. In a sick way I find it somewhat amusing. In her report she stated things that I never said and made many assumptions based on what I really did say.
Although I think things are going a little too fast all went fairly well. Lucky for me the judge seems to be able to get past dads tears and see through him. Didn't hurt that he got angry and was reprimanded as well.
Custody was changed to 50% legal with him having every other Sunday (full day) and one evening a week. He complained about not getting every Sunday and stated right there in court that he has Saturdays off. When asked why he doesn't chose to do visitation on Saturdays rather than a Sunday where he'd be loosing work.....he said, "Saturdays are my only day off. "
Don't ask me why a man would not want to spend the day with his kids. (I do actually have an answer but it's not a very nice one)
I do have a question....
Now that dad has 50% legal but only has Sundays and one evening a week visits is he allowed to come to the kids sporting events and such that are not on his days?
It does not say specifically in the new order. It just says that I am to provide him with copies of report cards, inform him of Dr. stuff.....the regular.
Sharing custody is new to me.....I want to do it right from the get go...ya know?
Thanks again, you guys are always a great resource for me.

Is there a restraining order? If not of course he is! and why wouldnt you want him to?? Kids dads and sports go together. What a great way to bond btwn them.

 

[californiamom3]

Is there a restraining order? If not of course he is! and why wouldnt you want him to?? Kids dads and sports go together. What a great way to bond btwn them.

No restraining order.
Dads been gone for 5 years. Like I said I have never done this shared custody thing before. I don't know how it works. I just didn't know if he was to only have his Sundays, etc, or if he was allowed to attend other events and such.
I have to go by the book with this guy...he's been known to NOT follow court orders. I want to make sure I'm doing the right thing by everybody involved.

 

[Hisbabygirl77]

No restraining order.
Dads been gone for 5 years. Like I said I have never done this shared custody thing before. I don't know how it works. I just didn't know if he was to only have his Sundays, etc, or if he was allowed to attend other events and such.
I have to go by the book with this guy...he's been known to NOT follow court orders. I want to make sure I'm doing the right thing by everybody involved.

He is their father he is legally allowed to go to his childrens sports or activities. Hes allowed to go to their school. Hes allowed to go to their church. Its his child/ren as well.

 

[californiamom3]

He is their father he is legally allowed to go to his childrens sports or activities. Hes allowed to go to their school. Hes allowed to go to their church. Its his child/ren as well.

Please don't get me wrong. He hasn't been allowed to do any of those things in the past. He had supervised visitation and was not allowed to approach the kids at school or at our home, etc. Not a restraining order but all included in custody orders. At one point he had no visitation at all.
I am not trying to keep him from going to events and such. I just wanted to know if he can NOW go to things being he has 50% legal. I still maintain 100% physical and he is not allowed to take the kids out of the county.
Anyway, thank you.

 

[michandil]

I agree. Yes, unless the order says otherwise, he is allowed to attend. And, yes, go by the book. With addicts, I think it's fair to say that there will be bumps on the road, at least for a while and whether he's in recovery or not.

Was a written order entered yesterday?
If there was, what did it say about his continuing random drug testing and attending Narc Anon?
If there wasn't a written order entered, order a transcript of the hearing so that you can have the exact terms that the judge stated from the bench written up in the order.

How old are your kids?

 

[californiamom3]

I agree. Yes, unless the order says otherwise, he is allowed to attend. And, yes, go by the book. With addicts, I think it's fair to say that there will be bumps on the road, at least for a while and whether he's in recovery or not.

Was a written order entered yesterday?
If there was, what did it say about his continuing random drug testing and attending Narc Anon?
If there wasn't a written order entered, order a transcript of the hearing so that you can have the exact terms that the judge stated from the bench written up in the order.

How old are your kids?

Kids are 16, 13 and 10.
Dad was throwing a fit in court so I got out of there quickly. I asked for the order to be sent to me by mail. The judge was pretty ancy about getting us out of there .....there were a few things not talked about that should have been. Like the N/A attendance.
Dad is a driver by trade. As long as he continues his job he will have random testing done through them.
Unfortunately transcripts cost $75. $$$ is tight but I will do all that I can to get one.

 

[michandil]

Good. With a volatile and inconsistent co-parent, I think it is a very good idea to get the transcript and make sure that the written order is consistent with it. Also, since you are going to be complying to the letter, well... it's good to be sure what that means.

I asked about the kids' ages because their ability to assess their safety might be important now that there will not be supervision.

My ex and his wife were active alcoholics, so it was always "iffy" to let my kids go with them. Luckily, by the time ex and his wife were drinking a lot, my kids were old enough to know not get into a car with someone (anyone) who is intoxicated.

I'm so sorry that you had a... well... stupid mediator. It really angers me that there are a few people in the system who are so blinded by the mantra of joint custody and parents' rights that they forget that the children's safety trumps all.

Good luck, CaMom. You're doing the right thing.

 

[californiamom3]

I was wondering if it would be out of line to show the kids a map of the two county's they are required to stay in with dad. I wouldn't put it past him to assume the kids would never know how far they've traveled. Yet I don't want to put into kids heads that I am trying to be a control freak or not trusting of dad. (even though I don't trust him) I trust my kids to tell me (they have in the past) if they've gone too far or if they felt uncomfortable where he's taken them.

 

[CJane]

I was wondering if it would be out of line to show the kids a map of the two county's they are required to stay in with dad. I wouldn't put it past him to assume the kids would never know how far they've traveled. Yet I don't want to put into kids heads that I am trying to be a control freak or not trusting of dad. (even though I don't trust him) I trust my kids to tell me (they have in the past) if they've gone too far or if they felt uncomfortable where he's taken them.

I think that's a bit much. He can't be held in contempt JUST for leaving the county. You'd have to prove he did it with malicious intent - as in, to secret the children from you. Just driving over a county line isn't going to do that. And I don't know how the counties are shaped in CA, but HERE, you can drive into another state w/out really being uber aware of it, yanno?