48 hr notice

[fishermanSTEVE]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Ca

Hi. I will try to keep this short and to the point. Joint legal and joint physical custody with me (father) as CP. Mom gets children EOW and a wednesday visit. She is to pick children up from school and return them to my house in the late evening on Wednesdays.

Our custody order states that changes in the schedule are to be mutually agreed upon and require 48 hours notice - unless in the case of an emergency.

For the last 2 months, she has flaked on every weekday visit, except for 2, and each time there has been less than 48 hours notice. A couple weeks ago notice was given at midnight before Wednesday (14 hrs notice). Last week, it was a text message at 10am the day of (4 hrs notice). Her excuse is that she cannot get the day off work (a new job she took that conflicted with her schedule, even though she fought so hard for a weekday visit). (Interesting that she realizes that she can't get the time off only hours before her visitation). I guess I have been a nice guy these past couple months because I accommodate it every time.

Every time she flakes, I have to take off work 5 hours early to make it to school on time (I had my schedule at work changed so I work extra hours on Wednesdays and every other Friday, the days she is supposed to get them from school because I could really use the extra money right now). Not only am I losing hours at work, but my boss is getting pretty annoyed with the "hey, i gotta run... she flaked again".

Questions: Can i tell her to pound sand next time she flakes so last minute and just not agree to her changing the schedule? Or am I required to allow her to flake.
Is this considered an emergency? Is her not being able to get time off work considered an emergency? Can I tell her to call a family member or friend or even one of our sons friends parents and make arrangements to have our sons picked up? (I mean, thats what I would do if I couldnt make it to get our sons from school).
What if she says she simply can't get time off of work, and I tell her that I simply cannot get time off of work. Who's responsible?

The more i read what I wrote, I notice that it seems that I don't have my childrens best interest at heart because I just want to NOT go get them. It's not so much trying to teach mom a lesson or saying No for the sake of saying No. It's that I work really hard. I am lucky to have a job. I don't want to ruin it. I don't want to leave work early on HER days simply because she is not planning well. I want her to take responsibilty. THe boys want to see her during the week.

Thanks for any advice.

 

[Hisbabygirl77]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Ca

Hi. I will try to keep this short and to the point. Joint legal and joint physical custody with me (father) as CP. Mom gets children EOW and a wednesday visit. She is to pick children up from school and return them to my house in the late evening on Wednesdays.

Our custody order states that changes in the schedule are to be mutually agreed upon and require 48 hours notice.

For the last 2 months, she has flaked on every weekday visit, except for 2, and each time there has been less than 48 hours notice. A couple weeks ago notice was given at midnight before Wednesday (14 hrs notice). Last week, it was a text message at 10am the day of (4 hrs notice). Her excuse is that she cannot get the day off work (a new job she took that conflicted with her schedule, even though she fought so hard for a weekday visit). (Interesting that she realizes that she can't get the time off only hours before her visitation). I guess I have been a nice guy these past couple months because I accommodate it every time.

Every time she flakes, I have to take off work 5 hours early to make it to school on time (I had my schedule at work changed so I work extra hours on Wednesdays and every other Friday, the days she is supposed to get them from school because I could really use the extra money right now). Not only am I losing hours at work, but my boss is getting pretty annoyed with the "hey, i gotta run... she flaked again".

Question: Can i tell her to pound sand next time she flakes so last minute and just not agree to her changing the schedule? Or am I required to allow her to flake.

And if you do and she doesnt pound her happy butt down to the school your daughter is left there..... When was the last time you modified your visitation schedule? If it keeps up you may want to see about going back and asking to have it changed since she is not utilizing her time.

 

[Antigone*]

And if you do and she doesnt pound her happy butt down to the school your daughter is left there..... When was the last time you modified your visitation schedule? If it keeps up you may want to see about going back and asking to have it changed since she is not utilizing her time.

I agree with HBG on this one. You cannot force her to exercise her visitation. You should have some kind of back up in place to pick the child up when she flakes.

Aside from that, stick to the court order. Don't offer her any make-up time.

 

[fishermanSTEVE]

I'd like to apologize to hisbabygirl as i was editing my initial post while you responded.
I REALLY don't want the kids to be stranded at school, which is why I have been taking the time off of work these past 2 months to help her out. I was just wondering if I told mom I couldn't pick them up, would she have to figure something out OR would the kids be stranded? (if they were stranded, i would of course pick them up instead or have someone else). Does she have any responsibility to make arrangements if she cannot make her time or does it all fall on me? I would rather NOT call on a friends parents at 10am the day of and ask them to watch my kids for the day. I would rather NOT call my father who is 68 to drive 30 miles to pick them up. Those are the resources I use in my emergencies. I hate putting other people out for my bad planning. She obviously doesnt' care.

Our visitation was just in modified last November, so less than one year, in which she tried to get primary, lost hard, and fought for a weekday visit. She was always flaking last year, and then the summer schedule is week on/off so no Wednesday visits. When school started up again, she is back to being super flake.

She is claiming that she will be taking me back to court to try to get primary again, but its really been only one year since this schedule has been in affect. I was hesitent to take her back because it's been so soon. I'd rather her just stick to the schedule or tell me that she can't make it on Wednesdays anymore from now on. But she won't do that. She insists on keeping me updated weekly.

 

[Hisbabygirl77]

I'd like to apologize to hisbabygirl as i was editing my initial post while you responded.
I REALLY don't want the kids to be stranded at school, which is why I have been taking the time off of work these past 2 months to help her out. I was just wondering if I told mom I couldn't pick them up, would she have to figure something out OR would the kids be stranded? (if they were stranded, i would of course pick them up instead or have someone else). Does she have any responsibility to make arrangements if she cannot make her time or does it all fall on me? I would rather NOT call on a friends parents at 10am the day of and ask them to watch my kids for the day. I would rather NOT call my father who is 68 to drive 30 miles to pick them up. Those are the resources I use in my emergencies. I hate putting other people out for my bad planning. She obviously doesnt' care.

Our visitation was just in modified last November, so less than one year, in which she tried to get primary, lost hard, and fought for a weekday visit. She was always flaking last year, and then the summer schedule is week on/off so no Wednesday visits. When school started up again, she is back to being super flake.

She is claiming that she will be taking me back to court to try to get primary again, but its really been only one year since this schedule has been in affect. I was hesitent to take her back because it's been so soon. I'd rather her just stick to the schedule or tell me that she can't make it on Wednesdays anymore from now on. But she won't do that. She insists on keeping me updated weekly.

What does the court order say about if she cant make her time? Is the 48 hours the only thing? If you go back to court you may be able to ask the judge that she is responsible for any arrangments in child care on days that she does not give you 48 hours notice....

 

[fishermanSTEVE]

It doesn't say anything about what happens if she doesn't make her visitation, but that's something worth mentioning if we ever modify.
But it does say changes in schedule need to be mutually agreed upon within 48 hrs notice unless an emergency. And the way I see it, she would have 48 hrs notice from her boss (most likely) if she cant get the day off. And if not, then at least she knows she IS scheduled to work, and maybe plan on her not coming and then if she does, great. But she won't do that. She waits till the last possible minute.
I do know this, though. I once had a weekend job, and had to work in San Diego, and I carpooled with someone and that person ran longer than expected. I was supposed to pick my kids up from her house Sunday night at 6pm. I called to tell her I will be 2 hours late, because of an emergency. She demanded to know what the emergency was, and i told her I was working late and stuck in San Diego and without my own transportation until this dude takes me back to my car in L.A. She flat out refused the "accept" the emergency and said that if I cannot make it there at 6, then I will have to come at 6am the next day instead and pick her up for school. That's what I did and I didn't complain. She then explained that it was NOT an emergency and that I just didn't plan well enough.
She hasn't used the term "emergency" with her current flaking. She just says she is "unable" to make her visitation.

 

[fishermanSTEVE]

The main reason why I want to tell her to pound sand is because I just hate doing this to my boss. I am so lucky to be able to pick up extra hours and I made this arrangement specifically because of my custody schedule. I don't want to mess it up. I really need the extra hours. I don't want my kids to be stranded.

 

[Hisbabygirl77]

The main reason why I want to tell her to pound sand is because I just hate doing this to my boss. I am so lucky to be able to pick up extra hours and I made this arrangement specifically because of my custody schedule. I don't want to mess it up. I really need the extra hours. I don't want my kids to be stranded.

Well what about having a back up plan in place ahead of time... What about a parent of one of your daughters friends? Ask them if on days that your ex doesnt pick up your daughter could they? Offer to pay them for the daycare. If your ex calls the night before then you can call the friends mom and let her know the next day you need her to do it. Or if school has an after school program? Or a daycare that charges by the day? I know daycares in our area pick up kids from school you may wanna look into that...

 

[fishermanSTEVE]

Yeah I guess I'll figure something out.

On a side note, will it look bad if I file for a visitation modification just only one year since our last one? She brought it to court last time. Also judgedid say if she was late even once then I should come back. She is usually late. Just don't know if this will seem petty.

 

[Hisbabygirl77]

Yeah I guess I'll figure something out.

On a side note, will it look bad if I file for a visitation modification just only one year since our last one? She brought it to court last time. Also judgedid say if she was late even once then I should come back. She is usually late. Just don't know if this will seem petty.

If its a consistant problem then no its not petty. A year to modify is perfectly acceptable. Bring any proof you have with you of fact that she doesnt show. If you can phone records proving the calls less than 48 hours notice ect...

 

[MichaCA]

Not a legal expert, but I agree with the poster here that its not trivial and its long enough to ask for a modification. Hopefully, in court or mediation, you will highlight that having the term emergency doesn't work...also that mom is not complying with the 48 hour notice at that, that doesn't allow you enough time to find back up childcare. Not to mention its demoralizing to the child for mom to CONSISTENTLY not utlitize her weekday visit with child.

However first, I would consider discussing with mom and let her know your plans. Let her know, if this is true, that if she would even simply contact you 48 hours in advance, that would help a lot. And to contact you even sooner if she can, just out of common courtesy? Then if she still refuses to cooperate, I would file for the modication.

 

[stealth2]

A few thoughts... I can see how she may not know until less than 48 hours, depending on where she works. I work in retail, and I often have someone trying to find coverage, waiting to hear back from other associates, etc., and not finding out either way until hours before. HOWEVER, since this is a firm time/day that she has scheduled for visitation, she SHOULD be able to talk to her boss to arrange for that one evening off during the week. I work around visitation, school, second job schedules all the time - it's not that big a deal.

That said, you really can't force her to use her time. You CAN ask for a clarification that she be held responsible for arranging care for them should she not be able to utilize her weekday time. Which doesn't mean she will do it - so you're still up a creek w/o a paddle.

I agree that you should be proactive in arranging back-up care for the times when she flakes on you. Perhaps more than one back-up, and alternate. So if she flakes out twice in a given month, one time the kiddos go with Grandpa (*) and the next with a friend's parents. As a divorced parent whose ex is not close by, I have tried to always make sure that I had some sort of back-up as my schedule can change on a dime (busy day at work, someone doesn't show up, I can't leave the manager on duty alone, for example).

(*) I bet Grandpa would be pleased to have the opportunity to help you AND get extra time with the kids. My parents (a good 10 years older than your Dad) are my main back-ups, which often means a 45 minute drive to pick one up and taking him/her to a game that could be anywhere within a 45 minute radius. And then often bringing both kids home and feeding them. It's a huge help to me, but more importantly has helped maintain the relationship between the four of them.

 

[Ohiogal]

It doesn't say anything about what happens if she doesn't make her visitation, but that's something worth mentioning if we ever modify.
But it does say changes in schedule need to be mutually agreed upon within 48 hrs notice unless an emergency. And the way I see it, she would have 48 hrs notice from her boss (most likely) if she cant get the day off. And if not, then at least she knows she IS scheduled to work, and maybe plan on her not coming and then if she does, great. But she won't do that. She waits till the last possible minute.
I do know this, though. I once had a weekend job, and had to work in San Diego, and I carpooled with someone and that person ran longer than expected. I was supposed to pick my kids up from her house Sunday night at 6pm. I called to tell her I will be 2 hours late, because of an emergency. She demanded to know what the emergency was, and i told her I was working late and stuck in San Diego and without my own transportation until this dude takes me back to my car in L.A. She flat out refused the "accept" the emergency and said that if I cannot make it there at 6, then I will have to come at 6am the next day instead and pick her up for school. That's what I did and I didn't complain. She then explained that it was NOT an emergency and that I just didn't plan well enough.
She hasn't used the term "emergency" with her current flaking. She just says she is "unable" to make her visitation.

You need to have backup in place to pick up your children from school. That is one of the things about the PRIMARY caregiver. The changes in the schedule for 48 hours may not be applicable to a non custodial parent (does she have joint physical custody or just visitation) not exercising their time unless it is SPECIFICALLY worded that way.