Is this right? Mediation recommendation

[RoseBlossom]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA and NC

My ex and I had a terrible marriage, which ended in August of 2008. I cheated on him, though we were pretty much separated and I get that he is extremely angry at this. We split in August, and moved to respective places. I was working only around 10-15 hours a week and he worked full time with good pay, while i was barely getting a dollar above minimum wage so I told him to keep the kids and i would have them on the weekends so that I could afford child care.

He ended up going to school in march of 2009 and I received the children, by this time I had been laid off from work and now did not require child care since I could care for them. I had i this way until july 5 2009, when i went to visit my family in North Carolina, and we were supposed to stay for a month, then ex calls to tell me to stay an extra month, and then in mid-august i find out that the house where i was supposed to live in when i returned to california was not available to me anymore, and I had nowhere to go, so i stayed in NC.

ex said it would be good for me to stay there and he wanted to get the kids for two months and we could switch off every couple of months then he starts telling me he wants to move to Reno, nevada to be with his gf's family. I say no, and then he says he wants full custody of the kids, and I tell him I though we were working out a plan. He even lied to me before this telling me when the kids were with him in california he would not file for custody when he already had ( i have this in text messages). SO i couldnt trust him. He file ex-parte hearing and judge barely let me speak then she said I had said I had family members to help me in CA, when i had specifically said I had NO one to help me, and orders for kids to be returned forthwith to CA and visitation is: I have kids during week until ex gets off work, and I have weekends (essentially making me exes babysitter??!!).

This was unacceptable and I told the mediator over the phone, we talked out our issues, I brought up things on his family members (which mediator was trying to say kids need to stay in Cali because of family and community relations--the kids are 1 and 2 years old) and then I got in the mail today that she recommended that full physical custody be given to dad, and joint legal, with me seeing them one week out of the month in Cali, and having them for two weeks every three months. I dont think this is right. Dad got them on oct. 4 2009, lives with the two kids, his gf and her two kids in a two bedroom appt.

I had a room for my daughter, and luke, my son shared a room with his cousin who is one week older than him. How is this fair? They were with me and have been with me since birth until August 2008, and then from march 2009. ALso son and daughter repeatedly came home with brusies and scratches when they were with their dad, and when he was supposed to visit them, he usually wouldn't and even gave up his weekend time so he could play soccer games.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[Hisbabygirl77]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA and NC

My ex and I had a terrible marriage, which ended in August of 2008. I cheated on him, though we were pretty much separated and I get that he is extremely angry at this. We split in August, and moved to respective places. I was working only around 10-15 hours a week and he worked full time with good pay, while i was barely getting a dollar above minimum wage so I told him to keep the kids and i would have them on the weekends so that I could afford child care.

He ended up going to school in march of 2009 and I received the children, by this time I had been laid off from work and now did not require child care since I could care for them. I had i this way until july 5 2009, when i went to visit my family in North Carolina, and we were supposed to stay for a month, then ex calls to tell me to stay an extra month, and then in mid-august i find out that the house where i was supposed to live in when i returned to california was not available to me anymore, and I had nowhere to go, so i stayed in NC.

ex said it would be good for me to stay there and he wanted to get the kids for two months and we could switch off every couple of months then he starts telling me he wants to move to Reno, nevada to be with his gf's family. I say no, and then he says he wants full custody of the kids, and I tell him I though we were working out a plan. He even lied to me before this telling me when the kids were with him in california he would not file for custody when he already had ( i have this in text messages). SO i couldnt trust him. He file ex-parte hearing and judge barely let me speak then she said I had said I had family members to help me in CA, when i had specifically said I had NO one to help me, and orders for kids to be returned forthwith to CA and visitation is: I have kids during week until ex gets off work, and I have weekends (essentially making me exes babysitter??!!).

This was unacceptable and I told the mediator over the phone, we talked out our issues, I brought up things on his family members (which mediator was trying to say kids need to stay in Cali because of family and community relations--the kids are 1 and 2 years old) and then I got in the mail today that she recommended that full physical custody be given to dad, and joint legal, with me seeing them one week out of the month in Cali, and having them for two weeks every three months. I dont think this is right. Dad got them on oct. 4 2009, lives with the two kids, his gf and her two kids in a two bedroom appt.

I had a room for my daughter, and luke, my son shared a room with his cousin who is one week older than him. How is this fair? They were with me and have been with me since birth until August 2008, and then from march 2009. ALso son and daughter repeatedly came home with brusies and scratches when they were with their dad, and when he was supposed to visit them, he usually wouldn't and even gave up his weekend time so he could play soccer games.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

So what is the legal question?

 

[RoseBlossom]

lol, sorry

the question is, what would you recommend, in trying to get my point across to the judge (have court hearing on 15th of oct.) that I am whats in the best interest of the children. I have no life or financial prospects in california to speak of, if i was to go back i would have to be on welfare and foodstamps, and I'm trying to live in a stable environment here in NC. Will the judge see that, and what do they look for? Just that the kids lived in CA before? I'm getting that they like to keep ppl in Cali (my opinion from examples ive seen).

 

[Ohiogal]

the question is, what would you recommend, in trying to get my point across to the judge (have court hearing on 15th of oct.) that I am whats in the best interest of the children. I have no life or financial prospects in california to speak of, if i was to go back i would have to be on welfare and foodstamps, and I'm trying to live in a stable environment here in NC. Will the judge see that, and what do they look for? Just that the kids lived in CA before? I'm getting that they like to keep ppl in Cali (my opinion from examples ive seen).

You have your children in California. You thought it appropriate to take your children across country purportedly on vacation and then just stay? It looks fishy and understandable that a court will not believe your story. How are you more in the best interests of the children than dad?

And you were going to gripe about having the children weekends and every day during the week?

and orders for kids to be returned forthwith to CA and visitation is: I have kids during week until ex gets off work, and I have weekends (essentially making me exes babysitter??!!).

Seriously? That shows your bitterness. You were going to be a full time mom and have the children DAILY. And you want to complain because of how you think that makes you a babysitter. Lady these are YOUR children. It makes you a PARENT. That would have been in the best interest of the children to see both of you pretty much daily and you wanted to throw a hissy.

 

[MichaCA]

I agree. These are my thoughts on what I would do, but I am not you. You are not being clear what you want - do you want the easy life in NC and not see your kids (I don't see how you can afford to fly once a month for a week visit). Actually, I am not clear, was the last schedule the mediator recommended based on you staying in NC or in CA??

IF you want the relationship with your kids, this ismy advice;
Stop complaining to the court system, at this point the judge. When you complain, you get less time with kids.

Don't present the situation as an either/or...its either me or the dad. Stop that immediately. YES, dad WILL be in the picture, the only question is are you? So don't put a mediator or judge in that impossible position. Presume BOTH of you will have an active role in childs life, as it should be.

Stop talking about scratches and bruises as part of your case. It just muddies the waters and confuses things. If you were really concerned about it at the time you would have called CPS and handled it that route.

Get a loan, get your self out to CA now, so that when you show up in court you have a apartment or room in a house for the children to sleep and eat, whether its a temp place or not...just have a place. (come back after the court date to pack up your life in NC)

Assert yourself that you want to be an active mother, you will stay in CA, that you want a shared visitation custody plan with the father caring for the children. State that the mediator based her recommendations based on information of you being in NC, that you ARE indeed in CA to stay, can the judge please award the shared plan.

Have papers submitted to the court house enough days (meaning very soon) in advance of court date outlining a couple of reasonable visitation plans...that include dad, not trying to oust him.

Do not bad mouth or complain about one single person, or your circumstances.

I know I may be blowing hot air...as you have not made your commitment to your children clear. I do know I have been to court a lot, and I have found it usually works to a greater or lesser degree, to be proactive. Show up, offer reasonable plans, offer solutions. Show your commitment, show your good will. This is only my opinion as to what I think may help resolve your visitation with your children, in the court room. It is not a moral judgement, or philosophical point of view, it is based on IF YOU WANT TO PLAY AN ACTIVE ROLE IN YOUR CHILDRENS LIFE, then that is simply what I would do to mop things up. Otherwise you are looking at the dad now becoming the primary parent and it may be harder and harder to pull yourself in with joint everything later on.

 

[Zephyr]

And, if at all possible- get an attorney

 

[Ohiogal]

Pretty much if you ask any NCP who actually wants to be a parent if they would be happy seeing their children EVERY day, I am betting the majority would say YES. Regardless of whether they were "babysitting" for the other parent or not.

 

[RoseBlossom]

okay

as to ppl actually HELPING by giving advice, thankyou, but as to ppl being just plain nasty and twisting my words for their own purposes..well, anyways, I did NOT write that I complained to the judge, I was just stating my opinion on here. I love my kids I AM a parent and I was just venting steam because it seemed to me that the way the visitation was, to basically be a babysitter for my ex and then he gets nights and bedtime while I take care of them during the day while he's at work. I just didn't get how that situation actually would work out for the kids benefit since they would be at two different houses with two different routines during each day! And to the scratches, I didn't call CPS because not every person is knowledgeable, they have to start somewhere. I am not on a TV show knowing exactly what avenues to go down. I lived, learned and made mistakes. I was very concerned, but I trusted their dad because this hadn't happened before, then when I left to NC when my son received the bruises and didn't do anything because I was trying to get everything ready to pack and was very preoccupied. I should have taken pictures and called CPS, well, now I know what to do.
As to going back to CA, I have nothing there financially, or in the way of housing. I would go back, be on welfare, foodstamps, etc...and be a burden on the social system which is already crumbling there.
I understand how visiting and staying in NC looks, but I wasn't planning on staying here. $hit happens and now I am living with my grandmother and going to school to get into the R.N. program. If I go to Cali, then I am looking for about a 5-10 year wait-list, and over here there is no wait-list, thank God.
I love my kids dearly, but I cannot give them what they deserve if I go to California where there are crap jobs and horrendous prices on everything. GASP! I know alot of you will say I am not a good parent or whatever because I dare to stay in NC, but they had a way better life out here. I have a court date on the 15th and I wanted to know what would look better for me without having to be on FS and welfare?

 

[Ohiogal]

as to ppl actually HELPING by giving advice, thankyou, but as to ppl being just plain nasty and twisting my words for their own purposes..

Nobody was twisting your words for their own purposes nor being "just plain nasty"

well, anyways, I did NOT write that I complained to the judge, I was just stating my opinion on here.

Actually what you wrote was:

He file ex-parte hearing and judge barely let me speak then she said I had said I had family members to help me in CA, when i had specifically said I had NO one to help me, and orders for kids to be returned forthwith to CA and visitation is: I have kids during week until ex gets off work, and I have weekends (essentially making me exes babysitter??!!).

This was unacceptable and I told the mediator over the phone,

It was unacceptable what the judge ordered and you complained to the mediator about it.

I love my kids I AM a parent and I was just venting steam because it seemed to me that the way the visitation was, to basically be a babysitter for my ex and then he gets nights and bedtime while I take care of them during the day while he's at work.

It is called parenting. Parents do NOT babysit their children. They PARENT them. You don't like the hours? Well then the job is not for you. Daddy can do it full time.

I just didn't get how that situation actually would work out for the kids benefit since they would be at two different houses with two different routines during each day!

The children would have adapted IF the parents were being mature. Mommy was not going to be mature however because she was going to whine to the mediator (oh you discussed your issues which most likely meant you complained about the fact that the judge ordered this and you didn't want to babysit). Newsflash, when a divorce happens NEITHER PARENT gets full time with the children.

And to the scratches, I didn't call CPS because not every person is knowledgeable, they have to start somewhere. I am not on a TV show knowing exactly what avenues to go down. I lived, learned and made mistakes.

And your mistakes caused dad to get full custody.There are consequences to mistakes.

I was very concerned, but I trusted their dad because this hadn't happened before, then when I left to NC when my son received the bruises and didn't do anything because I was trying to get everything ready to pack and was very preoccupied. I should have taken pictures and called CPS, well, now I know what to do.

And you don't KNOW how the child received the bruises. You don't. You weren't there. And the bruises were not that important. They are now because you could have used them to stick it to dad. Which shows your pettiness and bitterness.

As to going back to CA, I have nothing there financially, or in the way of housing. I would go back, be on welfare, foodstamps, etc...and be a burden on the social system which is already crumbling there.

Oh well. It is called a JOB. Get one. Work your butt off.

I understand how visiting and staying in NC looks, but I wasn't planning on staying here.

You packed up to go there though.

$hit happens and now I am living with my grandmother and going to school to get into the R.N. program.

Go to school. The children stay in California however.

If I go to Cali, then I am looking for about a 5-10 year wait-list, and over here there is no wait-list, thank God.

Then go to school.

I love my kids dearly, but I cannot give them what they deserve if I go to California where there are crap jobs and horrendous prices on everything.

Then do what is best for them -- leave them in California AND get an education.

GASP! I know alot of you will say I am not a good parent or whatever because I dare to stay in NC, but they had a way better life out here.

Nope. YOU have a better life in NC. The children's FATHER is in California.
You can get your education and they can be with their father.

I have a court date on the 15th and I wanted to know what would look better for me without having to be on FS and welfare?

Do what you want. The children will be remaining in CA however.

 

[RoseBlossom]

isnt it funny

Nobody was twisting your words for their own purposes nor being "just plain nasty"


Actually what you wrote was:


It was unacceptable what the judge ordered and you complained to the mediator about it.



It is called parenting. Parents do NOT babysit their children. They PARENT them. You don't like the hours? Well then the job is not for you. Daddy can do it full time.


The children would have adapted IF the parents were being mature. Mommy was not going to be mature however because she was going to whine to the mediator (oh you discussed your issues which most likely meant you complained about the fact that the judge ordered this and you didn't want to babysit). Newsflash, when a divorce happens NEITHER PARENT gets full time with the children.



And your mistakes caused dad to get full custody.There are consequences to mistakes.

And you don't KNOW how the child received the bruises. You don't. You weren't there. And the bruises were not that important. They are now because you could have used them to stick it to dad. Which shows your pettiness and bitterness.



Oh well. It is called a JOB. Get one. Work your butt off.

You packed up to go there though.


Go to school. The children stay in California however.


Then go to school.



Then do what is best for them -- leave them in California AND get an education.



Nope. YOU have a better life in NC. The children's FATHER is in California.
You can get your education and they can be with their father.



Do what you want. The children will be remaining in CA however.

its funny to me how someone comes on this website, looking for advice, for hope, anything positive and receives nothing but the catty and negativity of unhappy people looking to put other people down. Just because we cannot see each other doesn't mean we are not communicating, therefore it would do some people good to at least be somewhat polite. That said...

There is a great economy out there isn't there! We have the most wonderful system in the world right now, with everybody employed, and there are so many great opportunities right now for women who CHOSE to have their children with a person who they thought would provide for them so long as they were a stay at home mother and darling 'do what your told' wife. Anyways, haha, I know what a 'JOB' is lady, but alas, with my experience and education, I may go work at the local McDonalds (if there are any spots left with so many ppl putting in applications and unemployment rate through the roof).

I had my children with me, in NC, and before, in Cali, and when their 'father' knew that he was going to get hit with child support, omg! he decided he wanted to be in their life again. He lied to me repeatedly, he would leave the kids with me when it was his visitation, essentially, he decided he wanted to have fun with the extra tax money the kids left him with their being dependents on his tax return. Got tires with new rims, decked out his car, etc...

Meanwhile, I am the one who was the main caretaker, I am the one potty training them, making sure they get their teeth brushed every day (which he didnt), teaching them their abcs 123s, working with my 2 year old son on his speech problem, teaching ...lol... his DAD, how to work with him on his sons speech problem, or at least what I've seen works well since I'm not a professional. Making the doctors appointments, etc...what a PARENT does. Yes it was frustrating living the single parent role, mostly the main parent role, but it was what I did because they are my kids and I love them. I do not babysit my kids, I had them with me 24/7 even when I went to school as soon as I got home I had them, taking them to movies, the park everywhere I went they went. I just didnt get how the fracked up visitation schedule the judge ordered was right in the least. And lol...like you said ohiolady, 'you werent there' i didn't whine to the mediator about the scheduling. I was trying to be as civil as possible, and it wasnt until their dad started to talk SO much crap about our marriage, which I repeatedly tried to say arent we supposed to be talking about the kids? that I decided to lay some of his $hit on the table. Like how his bro smokes weed when hes with the kids, like how his mother ( his present caretaker of the kids) left the kids soaking wet through their diapers, and was so negligible in raising her won kids that theyre all fracked up, with her two daughters by the age of 13 pregnant and with illegal men 20 something years old! lol and the mediator has the audacity to say that his family is a vital connection, when half of them are illegals using the welfare system and working with fake socials! Haha

But the one person who had their own rooms for the kids, who was working for a better life so that THEY(the kids) could have a better life instead of always being in want or being on fs is the one whos shot down and put down because she wants to get an education after giving her youth to her kids and to her abusive husband(oh yeah was trying to be nice on here about him, but thought i should mention he was extremely emotionally, mentally and occasionally physically abusive).

So yes...remind me, the one who chose the 'easy' life with out my kids by my side because a fracken court ordered them to california, a $hitty place for the poor, that they will stay in California, while their mom pines for them, dreams about them everynight and cries for them everyday, and wont have a G.D. leg to stand on if she returns to California. Thank you very much.

Now anyone have something positive or helpful to say?

 

[Isis1]

feel better?

 

[cyjeff]

Sure.

It was really sunny today.

As to your case, I agree with the above.

 

[RoseBlossom]

Sure.

It was really sunny today.

thank you it was..wasnt it, now could you enlighten me about what you agreed with? as im sure since I decided to try to stop negativity spoken to me as if i was a 1st grader getting reprimanded by your fellow senior member than the rest have to jump in like a pack of sharks was what you agreed with, or was it to something i said about the details of my case?

 

[Proserpina]

its funny to me how someone comes on this website, looking for advice, for hope, anything positive and receives nothing but the catty and negativity of unhappy people looking to put other people down.

You miss the entire point of this forum.

Like how his bro smokes weed when hes with the kids,

Relevance?

like how his mother ( his present caretaker of the kids) left the kids soaking wet through their diaper

What did you do about it?

and was so negligible in raising her won kids that theyre all fracked up, with her two daughters by the age of 13 pregnant and with illegal men 20 something years old!

Relevance?

lol and the mediator has the audacity to say that his family is a vital connection, when half of them are illegals using the welfare system and working with fake socials! Haha

Relevance? (would love to see the proof of this one too actually)

oh yeah was trying to be nice on here about him, but thought i should mention he was extremely emotionally, mentally and occasionally physically abusive).

So when he was physically abusive you reported it and had him charged, yes?

Now anyone have something positive or helpful to say?

Sure. Most of the previous responses have been helpful. You just aren't seeing it.