Please help...what canI do legally?

[confuseddad2009]

I haven't read the other responses that you received, however, I will tell you that it was dumb for your wife to leave the child alone when she knew that mom was going to be picking her up within a few minutes. She was guaranteeing a run in with mom over that. The drama all could have been avoided if your wife had simply waited until the child was picked up to leave.

She realizes it now. She nor I saw it as a big deal at the time. DID NOT think this would happen over that. It wont happen again. If mom is coming SM wont leave dd alone on that day until she is picked up.

 

[wileybunch]

I also agree your wife shouldn't have left 5 mins before Mom was due to pick up her DD.

As for the exchange .... I don't see why that would be a police matter. What did I miss? So Mom was upset and rightfully so. I don't AGREE with her, but I can see how other moms WOULD be upset, people have different ideas on when kids should be left alone. I didn't see anything besides the "breaking in" comment, but I also think your wife instigated it a little by continuing to repeat the same phrase, as though that was benign and not adding fuel to it, but repeating yourself like that is a passive aggressive fuel. Once was sufficient and then going about her business, getting in the house.

This is easily solved by getting your order revised so that neither party approaches the other. During exchanges, Mom stays in her car when at your house and you stay in your car when at hers. Honk the horn, don't have any words of any kind. Maybe in the future, but right now, just don't talk to each other during exchanges, the kid doesn't need to be in the middle of that.

 

[LdiJ]

She realizes it now. She nor I saw it as a big deal at the time. DID NOT think this would happen over that. It wont happen again. If mom is coming SM wont leave dd alone on that day until she is picked up.

That is all good and well dad, but this is not the first time that your wife has made a dumb call when it comes to dealing with your DD and her mother.

You have been on here before posting incidents that were high drama, that would not have been if your wife had simply handled the situation more logically.

Like back in August when you wife didn't make DD get off the phone with her friend, to take the phone call from her mother.

Also, the way that your wife responded to mom verbally this time was just about guaranteed to get a bad reaction as well. Instead of saying "I am sorry, I didn't realize that you would be upset that she was left alone for a few minutes", she said "ok, goodby"...?

Seriously dad, if you want things to work better with co-parenting and with less drama, then your wife needs to handle things much better than she has been.

 

[confuseddad2009]

I understand my wife should have handled it differently. She is not going to have communication with them This is the same guy that tried ot hit my wife when she is pregnant while I was standing right there. I put nothing past him. She did what she could to get inside. If mom had a issue she should have handled it with me, not my wife and not the manner she did. My wife just kept says goonight because they kept approaching her and the kids as she was trying to get them out. Kinda stuck in the moment and doesnt know what to do. I do think getting a order with neither party can get out of their vehicle is good.

That is all good and well dad, but this is not the first time that your wife has made a dumb call when it comes to dealing with your DD and her mother.

You have been on here before posting incidents that were high drama, that would not have been if your wife had simply handled the situation more logically.

Like back in August when you wife didn't make DD get off the phone with her friend, to take the phone call from her mother.

Also, the way that your wife responded to mom verbally this time was just about guaranteed to get a bad reaction as well. Instead of saying "I am sorry, I didn't realize that you would be upset that she was left alone for a few minutes", she said "ok, goodby"...?

Seriously dad, if you want things to work better with co-parenting and with less drama, then your wife needs to handle things much better than she has been.

 

[MCDATX]

That is all good and well dad, but this is not the first time that your wife has made a dumb call when it comes to dealing with your DD and her mother.

You have been on here before posting incidents that were high drama, that would not have been if your wife had simply handled the situation more logically.

Like back in August when you wife didn't make DD get off the phone with her friend, to take the phone call from her mother.

Also, the way that your wife responded to mom verbally this time was just about guaranteed to get a bad reaction as well. Instead of saying "I am sorry, I didn't realize that you would be upset that she was left alone for a few minutes", she said "ok, goodby"...?

Seriously dad, if you want things to work better with co-parenting and with less drama, then your wife needs to handle things much better than she has been.

I don't know...I can kind of see OP's wife's dilemma. I have experienced the same thing with my kid's mother and my wife. No matter what my wife said in response to her about anything, ex turned it into a confrontation. No matter what. If wife said even looked at ex, acknowledging her presence, it was "dont you look to me." if ex asked wife something and wife didnt feel comfortable discussing, ex would start yelling with "what's with your attitude?" I now tell her she's not obligated to speak to the ex and I've told the ex, if she has a problem/concern/question, come talk to me. Wife provides occasional transportation to exchanges and that's it...she doesn't need to talk to ex about anything regarding my son. Period.
So if OP's wife has been physically threatened in the past by ex's husband, I could understand where she was trying to avoid any kind of exchange by saying 'ok goodnight' and just trying to book it into the house as they were approaching her. I don't think she was in any way passively fueling the fire.
In hindsight, yes, the SM shouldn't leave a 10 y/o alone but dealing with a drama queen myself, I don't think it should fall on the wife to 'handle things much better'. OP, an order stating all parties stay in the car during exchanges is a step in the right direction.

 

[LdiJ]

I understand my wife should have handled it differently. She is not going to have communication with them This is the same guy that tried ot hit my wife when she is pregnant while I was standing right there. I put nothing past him. She did what she could to get inside. If mom had a issue she should have handled it with me, not my wife and not the manner she did. My wife just kept says goonight because they kept approaching her and the kids as she was trying to get them out. Kinda stuck in the moment and doesnt know what to do. I do think getting a order with neither party can get out of their vehicle is good.

Nobody said that mom and her boyfriend weren't serious problems. The point we are trying to get across is that your wife isn't making good decisions and good decisions help avoid drama.

 

[Spiral]

That is all good and well dad, but this is not the first time that your wife has made a dumb call when it comes to dealing with your DD and her mother.

You have been on here before posting incidents that were high drama, that would not have been if your wife had simply handled the situation more logically.

Like back in August when you wife didn't make DD get off the phone with her friend, to take the phone call from her mother.

Also, the way that your wife responded to mom verbally this time was just about guaranteed to get a bad reaction as well. Instead of saying "I am sorry, I didn't realize that you would be upset that she was left alone for a few minutes", she said "ok, goodby"...?

Seriously dad, if you want things to work better with co-parenting and with less drama, then your wife needs to handle things much better than she has been.

The problem is the double standard that is being applied - the first in which instruction is given to parents and step-parents as to step parents being legal strangers who should butt out of the child and ex's life...however, when the legal parent is initiating and forcing the interaction it's the step parents fault that they aren't bending over backwards to accomodate? Come on.

In this scenario, when being faced with such a threat - I think the best course of action is to walk away...get out of the situation as fast as possible to prevent the escalation of tempers or whatnot. Staying and discussing/arguing can easily be misconstrued as provoking which isn't at all good.

 

[The_Non-Mom]

the problem is the double standard that is being applied - the first in which instruction is given to parents and step-parents as to step parents being legal strangers who should butt out of the child and ex's life...however, when the legal parent is initiating and forcing the interaction it's the step parents fault that they aren't bending over backwards to accomodate? Come on.

In this scenario, when being faced with such a threat - i think the best course of action is to walk away...get out of the situation as fast as possible to prevent the escalation of tempers or whatnot. Staying and discussing/arguing can easily be misconstrued as provoking which isn't at all good.

agreed! Thank you!

 

[stealth2]

The problem is the double standard that is being applied - the first in which instruction is given to parents and step-parents as to step parents being legal strangers who should butt out of the child and ex's life...however, when the legal parent is initiating and forcing the interaction it's the step parents fault that they aren't bending over backwards to accomodate? Come on.

In this scenario, when being faced with such a threat - I think the best course of action is to walk away...get out of the situation as fast as possible to prevent the escalation of tempers or whatnot. Staying and discussing/arguing can easily be misconstrued as provoking which isn't at all good.

Well, in all honesty - the stepMom is NOT the problem. Dad should be the one handling exchanges. And the hand's up before you start with "he can't leave work", blah de blah. Been there, done that. You talk to your boss, explain the situations, ask if every other Friday, whatever day, etc., you could come in an hour early, stay an hour later the night before, how can you manage this so you can leave in time to be home for the exchange. This is not the only parent in this situation.

 

[wileybunch]

The problem is the double standard that is being applied - the first in which instruction is given to parents and step-parents as to step parents being legal strangers who should butt out of the child and ex's life...however, when the legal parent is initiating and forcing the interaction it's the step parents fault that they aren't bending over backwards to accomodate? Come on.

In this scenario, when being faced with such a threat - I think the best course of action is to walk away...get out of the situation as fast as possible to prevent the escalation of tempers or whatnot. Staying and discussing/arguing can easily be misconstrued as provoking which isn't at all good.

First of all, Stepmom shouldn't be "bending over backwards" in the first place unless she was happening to do her gymnastics when Mom drove up. Honestly, why is she in the line of fire in the FIRST place. That is their (Dad/Stepmom's) first mistake. Then having Stepmom leave on a walk just before the little girl's mom ws due to get there, leaving her alone. That's just bad judgment and priorities. If Dad's going to put his wife in the position of being there alone when Mom comes, she could at least actually BE THERE and make sure stepDD gets out the door safely (and Stepmom needs to stay in the house during exchanges). Lastly, when all of the above wasnt handled well and Stepmom got caught with her pants down, her glib repeating the same statement over and over was not the wisest choice.

Yes, I know. EVEN IF.

I'm also the stepmom of children with an incredibly difficult Mother. I also do quite a bit (thanklessly) as a stepmother, but that is all beside the point. If you don't want drama, there's certain things you do/don't do that line up with that end result in mind. If I'd been threatened while pregnant by an associate of my DH's ex and DH kept putting me in that line of fire, I'd have a big issue with my DH.

--> See how much control Dad and Stepmom actually DO HAVE?
They're not innocent bystanders victimized by all of this.

 

[mom482]

here's the deal - there is no law - and we can debate all day whether YOUR 10 yr old is mature enough etc. i know my 10 yr old is mature enough - but i don't leave her alone at 6pm because its not appropriate. i certainly don't leave her alone so i can go running, when another responsibile party is to be arriving any minute. i would wait for that party to arrive.
HOWEVER- you are her parent you can parent your kid as you wish.....EXCEPT - as a parent you must discuss these things w/ the mother. whether mom lives there or not - a 10 yr old is up for discussion as far as her maturity etc and while my opinion doesn't matter, her mothers opinion does. you should be coparenting w/ the mother and letting her know if you will be doing something like leaving the 10 yr old alone. the mother should have some say in this. i do not believe it is against state law - but i believe if mom took it to court she could ask that if you can't provide appropriate care at that age then she shoudl have custody during that time. that's just my opinion.

with that said - the mother should have been griping at you, not the step mom. you are in charge of what sm or anyone else does w/ your child on your time. perhaps instead of calling the cops and looking for no tresspass orders, you shoudl invest in a coparenting course so you and the mother can work some things out - and both of you can be educated on appropriate behavior (such as mom has no business reprimanding sm and you have no business unilaterally deciding whether the 10 yr old is 'mature' enough since it is questionable, and she does have another parent whose opinion should be considered.

as a follow up specific to the 'home alone' rules - she might be very mature, but she needs supervision and its being prepared for the exceptions that you need to worry about. if it were an hour after school, fine. so long as she has emergency numbers etc. but 6pm?its dark here at 6pm. no 10 yr old girl needs to be alone, mature or not. if kids are too much for you, then let mom have her when you don't have supervision available.

 

[stealth2]

here's the deal - there is no law - and we can debate all day whether YOUR 10 yr old is mature enough etc. i know my 10 yr old is mature enough - but i don't leave her alone at 6pm because its not appropriate. i certainly don't leave her alone so i can go running, when another responsibile party is to be arriving any minute. i would wait for that party to arrive.
HOWEVER- you are her parent you can parent your kid as you wish.....EXCEPT - as a parent you must discuss these things w/ the mother. whether mom lives there or not - a 10 yr old is up for discussion as far as her maturity etc and while my opinion doesn't matter, her mothers opinion does. you should be coparenting w/ the mother and letting her know if you will be doing something like leaving the 10 yr old alone. the mother should have some say in this. i do not believe it is against state law - but i believe if mom took it to court she could ask that if you can't provide appropriate care at that age then she shoudl have custody during that time. that's just my opinion.

with that said - the mother should have been griping at you, not the step mom. you are in charge of what sm or anyone else does w/ your child on your time. perhaps instead of calling the cops and looking for no tresspass orders, you shoudl invest in a coparenting course so you and the mother can work some things out - and both of you can be educated on appropriate behavior (such as mom has no business reprimanding sm and you have no business unilaterally deciding whether the 10 yr old is 'mature' enough since it is questionable, and she does have another parent whose opinion should be considered.

as a follow up specific to the 'home alone' rules - she might be very mature, but she needs supervision and its being prepared for the exceptions that you need to worry about. if it were an hour after school, fine. so long as she has emergency numbers etc. but 6pm?its dark here at 6pm. no 10 yr old girl needs to be alone, mature or not. if kids are too much for you, then let mom have her when you don't have supervision available.

Go sit in a corner for a while, okay?