Is there anything more to do?

[SoSadSoMad]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Kansas

Long, long story....but I'll try.

My son is 17. He started acting different @ 13-14. I DID test for DRUGS, and he was positive. I am in recovery (24+ years), so he was predisposed and I saw the signs.

For the last 4 years, we've seen 20+ counselors, and he's been in 4 different inpatient facilities. He turns 18 in March.

He is (I think....) drug-free & alcohol-free. I add the (I think....) as he's very smart, has beaten tests in the past and is a master manipulator.

I have done everything I know to do. Counseling, rules, consequences, tough-love, inpatient, outpatient, intensive-outpatient, called the police (when he left without permission and when I caught him sneaking out.

We allowed him to get his license for 90 days clean. His grades were sub-par, and the consequences were no driving if they were not B or better (he's very smart). They were sub-par.

So - I realized yesterday that he has pierced his ear (without our permission).
I realized today that he's gotten a tattoo (without our permission).

In both instances, we forbid or said No - straight up.

We do not hem-haw, we are very specific in our values, rules, expectations, etc. However, he just can't, won't adhere to any rules, and is (and has been for a long, long while) a habitual and impulsive liar.

This road has been long and painful. I would 'love' for him to see the light, begin to mature and see the value in laws/rules/etc. It's not going to happen. He is angry, and blames 'me' for putting him in 4 centers.

He's never touched me, but has backed me into a corner. His anger (when using) and his choices did make me fearful. He's got pending charges for destruction of property (hole in wall in July).

He's already been in state custody for CINC - he threatened to kill his brother, and we were in family preservation therapy (thru SRS provided by DCCCA) and I reported it.

No counselor can reach him (now), no center has yet reached him (yet) and I'm down to 5 months until 18.

My questions:

1. Can I file for him to be emancipated or must he?

2. If he's placed on diversion for the criminal charge, must I support this AND be willing to keep him in our home past 18 (assuming the diversion will go beyond 18)?

3. Is there anything I can do about the piercing and tattooing? He will NOT share who did either; suggests he did it to himself (doubtful on the tattoo, possible on the piercing)?

4. Do you have any suggestions legally or beyond that might be different than what we've tried?

I did a bit of reading before I posted. I was looking to see if there was another situation like mine. For those who blame the parent(s) for kids gone wild - I blamed me/us too for a long while.

However, thru 7 years of extensive efforts, counseling, therapy, centers, love, tears, arguments, etc. I can sit here and tell you that sometimes a kid just goes south and blame is not a solution.

Thanks to anyone in advance and sorry for the long post.

 

[SoSadSoMad]

I am bumping this, as nobody responded. I am truly curious if anyone has any other ideas/suggestions for us.

Thank you....

 

[PQN]

I have done everything I know to do. Counseling, rules, consequences, tough-love, inpatient, outpatient, intensive-outpatient, called the police (when he left without permission and when I caught him sneaking out.

We do not hem-haw, we are very specific in our values, rules, expectations, etc. However, he just can't, won't adhere to any rules, and is (and has been for a long, long while) a habitual and impulsive liar.

It sounds like you have done everything possible to help your son.

My questions:

1. Can I file for him to be emancipated or must he?

He would file. Does he have a job where he makes enough to be 100% self-supporting? He needs to prove to the judge that he can conduct his own affairs including being self-supporting.

2. If he's placed on diversion for the criminal charge, must I support this AND be willing to keep him in our home past 18 (assuming the diversion will go beyond 18)?

Let his attorney and the DA know that you will be evicting him at 18 (if you will).

If you do want him out at 18, you may need to file a formal eviction notice.

You threw him every rope you could reach. He needed to choose to grab one and he didn't. Maybe one day he will look back and realize all you did to help him.

 

[cbg]

The chances that an out of control teen with a history of drug/alcohol use, has an unsuccessful record in counseling and has been in state custody will be emancipated, regardless of who files, are something less than zero. Emancipation happens very, very rarely, and ONLY to those teens who have shown significantly more maturity than average and who have a proven record of self-support. Don't even imagine that your son is a candidate.

As far as I can see, you've done what you can, and you're just going to have to wait it out till his 18th birthday. Emancipation is simply not going to happen.

 

[SoSadSoMad]

Thanks to both for the feedback. We've had some 'new fun' around here, and I truly wish there were more options/choices (for us - parents).

He's so disrespectful, so rude, so abusive and so disruptive --- it is almost imposible to co-exist in this home. I struggle to understand how 'we' got here, but it is what it is.

He has a job, but he is not earning enough to survive on his own or even with a roommate. Instead of doing school work and looking for another job/full-time, he spends his time playing games on the computer. If I take it away, he follows me around all day long to annoy, manipulate and intimidate me.

If anyone has any ideas to redirect this teen for the last 4 months he will be here (yes - I have no issue in evicting @ 18), I would greatly appreciate it.

The legal system may scare some teens or even the majority 'straight' or help them see the cause/effect of choices, but has done nothing in our home. He's now got $700+ in lawyer and court fees, and of course, he doesn't want to pay that - he wants to 'spend and go'.

*SIGH* - again, any other ideas - greatly appreciated. Does anyone know if I can request the STATE to take custody of him (again)? I am truly concerned on how all this is affecting my other child. I had to stop this one from an attack on the other one last Saturday (and did call the police). I am concerned to leave them alone together and my 2nd born suggests this one hits him always/often.

The challenge - my 2nd born doesn't want to be the reason that my first born get's sent away from the home again.

Again, thanks to any/all.

 

[SoSadSoMad]

*Bump* - still in KS. My son was awarded diversion on the 11th of this month. He has decided to start using again (drugs). I caught him last night, and sat him down today and gave him 3 options:

- Military (he's 17.75, and has completed HS)
- Treatment Center (this will be # 5)
- Jail

He called my bluff and called court services to 'share' that he'd relapsed. Any suggestions on what they might do and what I should do?

This comes at a time when my parents are due in Sunday for a 2 week holiday visit. I have been researching treatment centers, but he's been through so many here, I'm running short on options.

Thanks in advance.

 

[Antigone*]

*Bump* - still in KS. My son was awarded diversion on the 11th of this month. He has decided to start using again (drugs). I caught him last night, and sat him down today and gave him 3 options:

- Military (he's 17.75, and has completed HS)
- Treatment Center (this will be # 5)
- Jail

He called my bluff and called court services to 'share' that he'd relapsed. Any suggestions on what they might do and what I should do?

This comes at a time when my parents are due in Sunday for a 2 week holiday visit. I have been researching treatment centers, but he's been through so many here, I'm running short on options.

Thanks in advance.

I'd give him a ride to the police station and say he's on drugs, I'd like him arrested. Maybe two hots and a cot over the holidays will do him some good, and give you some peace.

 

[SoSadSoMad]

Exactly what I wanted to do - send him to jail for a bit to see if a few days 'there' may help wake him up.

However, my husband doesn't think he 'deserves' to go to jail. It's only a matter of time before his troubles escalate and he's there by his own choice. My hope is that it happens while he's still under 18; but one never knows.

Thanks to all for the input/advice. Happy Holidays too...

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Sometimes, just sometimes, they see the light, but on their time schedule. The military certainly helped mine. Now, is there possibly a grandparent, or other relative, who could help out for a few months? They might be more respectful of the other relative than with you and dad.