Ex boyfriend on the birth certificate but now I am concerned he may not be the father

[Ohiogal]

]To: Ohio
I never said it's impossible that he's her father, just that there is probably cause for doubt.

I guess I kinda took it as I'm a bad parent considering you said that you hope I never get to make any detrimental decisions as her parent.

Seriously, YOU need to look up the word DETRIMENTAL. Bad parents make all sorts of detrimental decisions. Don't use big words of which you do NOT know the meaning.

In General:
As for him being an ex-drug addict. What do you think Methadone is? All he did was replace one drug for another. He is just as dependant on Methadone as he was on Heroine. At this point were they to take away his Methadone he'd go right back to Heroine because he isn't strong enough to handle being sick. They have told him he needs to be tapered off, that it's time. He just refuses to do it.

And yet you left your child with him.

I am not trying to get anyone to judge him, but to assume just because he's raised her and still willing to raise her makes him the perfect parent is highly misguided.

Ummm, yet you determined that he was fine to leave her with him. You determined that she would be safe with him because you left without her.

Food for Thought:
Something else I find really interesting is that it's okay to force a parent who doesn't want anything to do with a child to take a DNA test to prove they are the father when a woman wants child support, but it's not okay to force a parent who is trying to remove the other parent to take a DNA test to prove whether they should even have the right to do so.

Really? You totally are missing the point. HE is daddy. He is the legal father. That will not change with or without DNA. YOu want to use DNA as a weapon. You want to have a test for your own selfish purposes. If DNA mattered you would have forced the issue six years ago. You didn't. It is only now that he is in a position of custody and control that you want to do so. Well, guess what -- it is too late.

 

[stealth2]

I guess I kinda took it as I'm a bad parent considering you said that you hope I never get to make any detrimental decisions as her parent.

I think we can all safely assume that you have no clue what "detrimental" actually means. So I will help you with that:

det⋅ri⋅men⋅tal
  /ˌdɛtrəˈmɛntl/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [de-truh-men-tl] Show IPA
Use detrimental in a Sentence
See web results for detrimental
See images of detrimental
–adjective
1. causing detriment; damaging; harmful.

Seriously - you want to be given the right to make harmful and/or damaging decisions for your child? More so than you already have?

 

[Proserpina]

For what is hopefully the final time:

YOU have no standing to request a court-ordered DNA test from him OR to disestablish paternity.

Period. Even if.

 

[Ohiogal]

I was with the man for 10 years. He relapsed 9 years ago. I left him for 6 months after that until he went back into treatment. The maintenance was supposed to only be for 2 years. He got flack in his NA group because the girl who died was also a member and had friends there and kids that were left behind. When we moved to another town and I told him he should go back he once again refused.

And after the woman died in his apartment, YOU DECIDED TO LET HIM HAVE SEX WITH YOU AND SIGN AN AOP saying he was daddy of a child that was born three years later? Really? Totally irrelevant then.

Once again I didn't just decide to leave her, he refused to let me take her and because the child support order said since we lived in the same home together, the sherrif couldn't do anything about it. Us standing there fighting about it was only making things more traumatic for her.

Then quite frankly, YOu should have stayed with your child. He didn't have a right to kick you out. He would have had to go through the legal process to do so.

Yes, I'm sure several things are coming up as the conversation rolls along because I didn't start this with my whole life story I was asking a simple question and then other things came up. As for child support I am on SSA/SSI. I believe I have mentioned already I want to put her on my SSA/SSI because she is entitled to the assistance however my ex had begged me not to because he doesn't believe in public assistance. Being on a fixed income I cannot afford to pay child support and there is no child support order.

So basically you provide your child with NOTHING. And yet complain about what he doesn't give her -- it is still more than what you do.

I offered the assistance I could get, the assistance I would have if she were in my care the 50% of the time she's supposed to be and he refused it. With this assistance she would also have medicare/medical. He isn't working he could also get her on medical and refuses to do so.

And you haven't gotten her medical for what reason? You have joint custody.

This isn't a matter of "can't afford" it's a matter of won't accept any help. His answer is always.. if she needs anything medically I'll pay cash. However they can't pay cash for the fiance to take her medicine?

And you pay NOTHING at all. how nice. Pot meet kettle.

 

[Ohiogal]

I think we can all safely assume that you have no clue what "detrimental" actually means. So I will help you with that:



Seriously - you want to be given the right to make harmful and/or damaging decisions for your child? More so than you already have?

THANK YOU. I was just about to ask if someone could actually educate her on that term since she refuses to comprehend anything I have written. Apparently all good parents want to make harmful and damaging decisions for their children.

 

[Hisbabygirl77]

My son's father was an insulin dependant diabetic. I am not using her disease against her. I am however concerned about her not taking her medication as prescribed. When my son's father did not take his insulin on time when he was supposed to or he missed a dose, he would have violent outburts that later he did not remember. They can go into a state of psychosis that goes far beyond cranky. She is supposed to be taking 60ccs 3 times a day but because she can't afford her medication or she doesn't take it as prescribed. If she gets cranky with my daughter because she isn't taking her insulin, what happens if she isn't taking her medicine when she's supposed to and has a psychotic breakdown? She could hurt my child and not even remember doing it. It's not a matter of trying to use her disease against her, it's a matter that taking such a risk when there are other options out there to get her medication is highly irresponsible and jeopardizes the safety of my child.

As for having needles in the house, that isn't even my concern. It's the fact that he is still on methadone after 8 years and refuses counseling or NA to deal with the issues (such as a woman that died in his apartment the last time he relapsed) that bothers me. Needles are simply a trigger and he doesn't even have an active support system. Also if they can't afford the medication she needs, what happens when they can no longer afford for him to be on methadone. He is a cash pay client. Will he just not take his methadone any more and have an even higher risk of relapse? We won't even get into the concerns I have about them affording my daughter's medical care should something happen. It's about priorities and responsibility.

You stated she was "cranky" according to your ex not violent. There is a big difference. I get cranky quite often I have yet to become violent. Each diabetic reacts differently was the point I was trying to make. While your father may have gotten violent your ex's spouse might simply become cranky.

 

[LocalRocket]

Ok, wasn't going to respond to this, but now I have to. I have done TONS of clinical research on addiction, so I have a few questions. First of all, do you know why methadone is used for maintenance? First of all, methadone maintenance (MM) will not make an opiate-tolerant individual high. It simply keeps them from experiencing painful withdrawals and cravings. In addition, it has a higher affinity for the brain's opiate receptors than oxycontin or heroin, so that someone taking methadone properly simply cannot experience any euphoria from another opiate. Who was telling him that it's time for him to come off of the methadone? Methadone maintenance is sometimes used for the duration of one's life. If an individual has never been able to stay clean without it, then this alternative is a responsible choice. He can always change doctors or clinics, and just like his parter, his meds can be free through government programs (although to be honest, methadone is one of the least expensive generic meds around... $10/month at most chain pharmacies). It is dispensed in pill or liquid form, but I can guarantee that HE isn't being sent home with needles to inject himself with a solution. As far as NA is concerned, did you know that it is there general policy that an individual on MM cannot participate in meetings. Furthermore, many people who have successfully used MM find that meetings are no longer beneficial and are able to maintain stability without them. Sufficed to say, if this guy still owns a home, it's unlikely that he has a serious drug addiction.

And by the way... I've given birth to 3 children. I have black hair and brown eyes, and my ex-husband has dark auburn hair and brown eyes. The youngest two looked just like me, and the oldest looked like, well, nobody we knew at the time. She was born on the way to the hospital, so I know she is mine, and to this day (at almost 9) has whitesh blonde hair and pale green eyes. I guess now that I think about it, she looks a lot like MY previous boyfriend, and to my distain, looks a lot like the woman my husband dated for a while after we separated. (At school events, people always assumed SHE was the mother.)There is no question as to who my daughter's father was. Strange genetics just happens sometimes.

 

[CaMom31]

The court isn't going to deal in "what if"s. I mean, given your pattern of choices, Dad could say "what if" the next guy you choose is a serial killer, pedophile, has AIDS, choose something horrible? Seriously. You chose this man, despite his known faults.

"They" are in no way responsible for your daughter's medical expenses. You and he are. So perhaps you should be looking at how you can provide that for your daughter, whether he does or not. Lots of kids carry double coverage.

The main problem you have is that this man IS her father, legally and in every other sense of the word. Unless you can locate the other dude and convince him to contest paternity (and even that may not work after all these years), he IS her father. And therefore he has the same rights as you do. Period. The DNA test is irrelevant at this point. Sorry.

Thanks Stealth. That is basically what I needed to know because it keeps coming up.

In the beginning when we split up after the first incident with the sherrif comin out and my daughter freakin out I had decided I wanted to make things as painless for her as possible. I have tried doing things politely but every time I give an inch he takes a mile. Last time I went to pick her up for a weekend visit, he had papers he wanted me to sign with "rules" for our visit and refused to let me take her without signing them. After that I told him I would be prepared the next time with the court order and a sherrif and that he wasn't going to pull that crap on me again. I finally stood up to him and that's when he decided to file for sole custody.

The main reason I came to this site wasn't so that I could be picked apart and bashed on for my actions. I came here because being polite wasn't getting me anywhere and my rights were being negated by his actions. I didn't want to fight with him in court, I wanted to settle this like adults since we already had joint custody. I told him I was willing to go to mediation to modify the agreement and set down some terms but he has decided to fight me for sole custody and told me that he will be requesting a set visitation but I would have no parental rights.

The biggest challenge is that I live in Modesto, they live in Sacramento and I have no vehicle. I have asked him to bring her one way and I would bring her back and he refuses. He is willing to bring her but I have to pay double what the gas would cost. Now that he is requesting my rights be removed, I am not sure what I should be petitioning for and what I should or should not bring up. Honestly, I'm in panic mode and all the bashing isn't helping. I think for the time being maybe I should just veer away from this site because I have a feeling anything I ask from this point on will just result in more bashing and less helpful answers such as these.

I'm not asking for his rights to be removed, I'm asking that we both have parental rights and that I be allowed to do what needs to be done if he can't or won't. Such as putting her on social security if she's entitled to it so she can have medical coverage and I can do my share for things like clothing and things she needs. I have even told him that because she's in school there I wasn't going to try to change her residence. Any support would go to him. He isn't happy with that, he wants it all and I'm afraid if I don't counter for all, I won't get anything. But if I do counter for all it's gonna get ugly and I guess I'm just trying to figure out what points are valid and what aren't, because I know he's gonna have a million things to say about me. I have never done this before, I don't even know what rights I actually have right now because the joint custody order doesn't list anything, just gives us joint custody. All I have is what he says his attorny said and being in different counties I don't even know if I can get a family advocate down here.

 

[CaMom31]

I think we can all safely assume that you have no clue what "detrimental" actually means. So I will help you with that:



Seriously - you want to be given the right to make harmful and/or damaging decisions for your child? More so than you already have?

I am sorry I used the wrong word, I was tryin to think of a word that meant important, I guess I should have just used important. I have had about 4 hours sleep in the last 3 days since this was sprung on me and I apologize if I seem a bit out of it. I am just frustrated as hell and really, really scared. On top of that, trying to hide from my 10 year old that anything is wrong.

Yes at one time I loved the man and he has made great progress in some areas since I have known him. It doesn't mean the risk factor is not still there though and I am no longer around to know. I will not be there to protect her or remove her if need be. These are not reasons I don't want him to have her. I was never going to try and TAKE her completely. These are reasons I am not wanting to allow anything to remove my right to decide good or bad for her because if anything should happen and my parental rights are removed I will have to fight all over again against the system to get her home.

 

[LocalRocket]

Just a few pointers. You said that you were trying to find out which points were and were not valid to bring up if you go to court. You brought up a lot of invalid points, and people here are letting you know that they are invalid and why. No one has suggested that you don't have the same consitutional parental rights to your child as her father does, and if your rights are being infringed upon, you need to go to court. There are many free legal services in your area.

As far as transportation goes, you moved away from your daughter. Nevertheless, you appear to have enough internet savvy to research other modes of transportation. To start with, my sister-in-law is on SSI in that area, and her caseworker helped her find free train tickets to take care of a legal situation in another city. Bus tickets and train tickets have discounts that are so affordable, they can cost LESS than the gas it would take to travel. I'm talking $12-$30 roundtrip with her riding free. There are also plenty of ride-share groups. Look in your newspaper or on Craigslist. Do not let a 65 mile distance keep you from visitation. Many parents without cars on limited incomes live an hour away from their exes.

 

[ecmst12]

The chances of 2 blue-eyed adults producing a brown-eyed child are very close to zero.

However, genetics do not, as you have been told over and over and over, matter one eensy little bit at this point. You are mom and he is dad and legally, that's all there is to it.

You need to file in court for custody and visitation. I would suggest you get a lawyer since you are that clueless. Arguing because you don't like the wording used to give you the legally correct information is pointless. Your questions have been answered, now go do something PRODUCTIVE with the information.

 

[CaMom31]

Just a few pointers. You said that you were trying to find out which points were and were not valid to bring up if you go to court. You brought up a lot of invalid points, and people here are letting you know that they are invalid and why. No one has suggested that you don't have the same consitutional parental rights to your child as her father does, and if your rights are being infringed upon, you need to go to court. There are many free legal services in your area.

As far as transportation goes, you moved away from your daughter. Nevertheless, you appear to have enough internet savvy to research other modes of transportation. To start with, my sister-in-law is on SSI in that area, and her caseworker helped her find free train tickets to take care of a legal situation in another city. Bus tickets and train tickets have discounts that are so affordable, they can cost LESS than the gas it would take to travel. I'm talking $12-$30 roundtrip with her riding free. There are also plenty of ride-share groups. Look in your newspaper or on Craigslist. Do not let a 65 mile distance keep you from visitation. Many parents without cars on limited incomes live an hour away from their exes.

I don't currently have a case-worker. I have talked a bit with my worker through welfare since my son is on welfare but there is nothing they can do unless she is living with me or at least in the same county. At the moment every dime I have goes to rent, bills, and taking care of the needs of my 10 year old. I have talked to the family court and have been told there is nothing they can do because it is a different county and I have to go through Sacramento County since that is where the petition is filed. At this point there has to be an established visitation order in place for me to get any assistance with transportation at all. Which is what I have been trying to prepare for when I got blind sided when he decided to file for sole custody.

Currently my roommate has been driving me to go see her but he works so asking him to take me up there to get her and to bring her back home is not a reasonable request. I was willing to pay the gas for my ex to bring her to me, but he was asking for $40 just to bring her down for 2 hours twice a month. When we drive to get her, bring her back, take her home and come back it only costs $20. Amtrack wants $45 round trip which would be $85 to go get her, bring her back, then take her home and come back and that is only for my ticket not to mention hers. Greyhound isn't much different I think they are about $35 last time I checked.

About a month ago my other roommate said he would be willing to help with transportation and every time I called my ex and told him I wanted my daughter he had something else planned for her or some reason why it wasn't convenient for him.

We go to mediation on the 25th. My roommate keeps telling me I need to go file for temporary custody so that she is in my care when we go to court. We just moved into a 4 bedroom house last month so there is an extra room which would make this possible. I am not sure I can and even if I can I am worried doing so would only make things worse when I go to court.

 

[LocalRocket]

Sorry, you can't just go and "file for temporary custody so that she's in your care when you go to court" in a few weeks. On what grounds do you think this would be permitted? If you truly cannot contribute ONE DIME (as you put it) towards your daughter's needs, then you will not be granted ANY kind of custody. What if your daughter needed something while she was in your care?

If your son is on welfare, then you can access a case worker. That is a fact. Apparently you didn't even check with the websites that post deals for train and bus travel. Your daughter could probably ride free, and you could find up to 50% discount online. And what about the ride-share?

I suggest that you pick up a few chores to earn a little extra cash. I realize that you can't officially be employed while you are on SSI, but there are some types of things you could still do, like sell plasma or help a neighbor with household chores, scanning pictures, or something else compatable with your disability.

And by the way... I know several people who are on SSI or for whatever reason, have needed to go on foodstamps, medicare, or welfare for a while. It is something to be extremely grateful for. You continue to say the "(whatever benefit) my daughter is ENTITLED to". She is not entitled to anything. You need to find another way to see her without expecting everyone else to foot the bill.

 

[maryjo]

I just HAVE to say this.

My son looks NOTHING like me. Nothing...as in NOTHING! He is thin, has sharp features where I have round. He is very white (which I am also but I am more of a peachy white where he is white!) covered in freckles and has flaming red, curly hair. He also looks nothing like his father. In fact, he looks almost exactly like his father's best friend at the time I conceived him.

However, I did NOT ever, not once, not even close...sleep with my husband's best friend. In fact, I have ever only slept with 2 men and one of those was just two months ago. My ex husband has hazel eyes and I have DARK brown. My son's eyes are a grayish color.

If you were to go back through my family, my son does resemble my father a lot when he was a child. He also resembles my grandmother and uncle. In fact, he looks remarkably like my uncle...who is technically only a HALF uncle. But no where in our family trees is another red headed, freckle faced, gray eyed person. He is completely unique.

You would never, EVER, pair him up with me or his father. And the ONLY trait he has that comes close to his father is a "butt" chin...or a cleft chin. Occasionally you will see a look come across his face that is ALL his dad's but he really looks nothing like either one of us. To the point where people joke that he must have been mixed up in the hospital.

So I said all that to say this. Just because she doesnt LOOK like him..doesnt mean she isnt his.

Now...my second thing is this. A question. How do you know so much about your ex's girlfriend? You seem to know a lot of personal things that I dont see what business you have in knowing. And WHY are you on her Facebook page??? That can ONLY cause trouble. Delete her NOW.

 

[CaMom31]

Sorry, you can't just go and "file for temporary custody so that she's in your care when you go to court" in a few weeks. On what grounds do you think this would be permitted? If you truly cannot contribute ONE DIME (as you put it) towards your daughter's needs, then you will not be granted ANY kind of custody. What if your daughter needed something while she was in your care?

If your son is on welfare, then you can access a case worker. That is a fact. Apparently you didn't even check with the websites that post deals for train and bus travel. Your daughter could probably ride free, and you could find up to 50% discount online. And what about the ride-share?

I suggest that you pick up a few chores to earn a little extra cash. I realize that you can't officially be employed while you are on SSI, but there are some types of things you could still do, like sell plasma or help a neighbor with household chores, scanning pictures, or something else compatable with your disability.

And by the way... I know several people who are on SSI or for whatever reason, have needed to go on foodstamps, medicare, or welfare for a while. It is something to be extremely grateful for. You continue to say the "(whatever benefit) my daughter is ENTITLED to". She is not entitled to anything. You need to find another way to see her without expecting everyone else to foot the bill.

First of all there are several things I could do if she were in my care to make sure her needs are fulfilled, I am currently doing so with my son. However, I cannot apply for anything for her while she resides with him. I never said I'm going to apply for temporary custody I said it was suggested to me but I am not sure it would even be a smart move if I could.

As for saying she is entitled to certain benefits, by law she is. It may be your personal belief that nobody is entitled to anything but you are taking my words out of context. By law a child who has a parent on SSI or SSA is entitled to benefits. That is how the law states it so I don't see where my wording was offensive in any way.

I never said I wasn't grateful for the help I recieve, I am very grateful. You people are so quick to point the figure on what I do or don't contribute yet we have JOINT custody. It is not my responsibility to give him anything when she is in his care just like it's not his responsibility to give me anything when she is in mine. We are responsible for the time the child is in our care. If I willingly just left her there without seeing her ever I could see where I'm responsible for paying child support but me not having my 50% of the time with her is not because I don't want it nor haven't asked for it. It's because he refuses to let me have her unless it's convenient for him. All I have asked of him is to arrange transportation 1 way. Just like he expects me to pick her up when I want to bring her to my house, he should have to pick her up if he wants to bring her to his house. So basically what you are implying is that I should feel morally responsible to pay him while he screws me over because technically she's been in his care.

Also don't always assume everybody on disability is eligible for everything you see when it comes to discounts. There are quite a few discounts I am not eligible for because I do not meet the physical handicap requirements. There are also restrictions on when you can get discounted fares and most the time weekends are restricted. For example where I live I can get discounted fare for the greyhound from 8am on Monday to 5pm on Friday but weekend fares are not discounted because it's a popular travel time and is not considered standard work hours. How do I know? I went down to the station and asked.

Also keep in mind that your theory of public transportation being cheaper doesn't apply when you also have a 10 year old you have to either bring with you or pay someone else to babysit. I have looked into ride share but let me ask you this. How many people do you think are going to put up with being asked to not only provide proof of license and insurance, but provide home phone and address to the father of the child they are transporting? He won't even let me put her in the car until all this has happened.

I am not saying that you don't have good suggestions but to insinuate I haven't looked into anything just because it hasn't worked for me really gets on my nerves. You do not know the whole situation of what I am dealing with so to judge me based on the fact that it hasn't worked out for me but has worked out for whoever it is you know with their own set of circumstances doesn't show how much you know rather how little.

By the way, I had a couple of independant jobs until the economy went to crap and they couldn't afford to pay me anymore. Once again, assuming just because I'm on welfare and disability I am lazy and don't try gets fairly old.

The bottom line is, if I had my daughter she would have medical insurance, she would have everything she needs because my kid's needs come before my pride. If I need outside assistance to care for them, I ask. He has claimed on everything that she resides solely with him, until I go to court I cannot dispute that. Therefore the only thing I can do at this point is go to court and let the judge know that I informed him of what he could do and he refused to do the footwork to get help. Hell I even sent him all the paperwork completely filled out. All that was needed was for him to sign and return it.