Ex boyfriend on the birth certificate but now I am concerned he may not be the father

[Proserpina]

As I said before. I'm not asking to remove his PARENTAGE! What I am fighting here is the fact that he seems to believe he can just take away MY parentage and he may not even be the biological father and I am 100% her mother.

You decided he was her LEGAL father. BOTH of you are parents. Custody does NOT take parentage away from either party.

 

[CaMom31]

My daughter is 5. My son is 10. When we got together I was pregnant and my son's father was not in the picture at all. He raised my son as his own until my daughter was born and then things started to change. The way he treated my son is only one of the things that led up to the end. When I told him I was thinking about leaving because of things no longer being healthy for my son he threw us out.

And you are right, it's not a chess game which is why I've tried to avoid this situation. However, if he is going to try and remove my rights to my daughter, treating this as anything less than what it is.. a custody "battle" would just be giving up and allowing him to further ostracize me from her life.

Custody may not take parentage away but what he is asking for is full physical and legal which would take my right to make detrimental life decisions away. I would no longer have the right to assist in making legal, medical, or educational decisions for her.

Also being on Methadone Maintenance and being in recovery are two seperate entities entirely. Addiction is just as much if not more psychological as it is physical. So he has the phsyical part down, what is he doing to avoid relapse? Absolutely nothing.

As for the fiance getting assistance for her insulin... they don't believe in "free" assistance. Which is why my daughter doesn't even have health insurance cause he's not working and can't afford it. Yet they refuse to allow me to sign her up on my SSI benefits so she can at least have medical coverage.

 

[Ohiogal]

My daughter is 5. My son is 10. When we got together I was pregnant and my son's father was not in the picture at all. He raised my son as his own until my daughter was born and then things started to change. The way he treated my son is only one of the things that led up to the end. When I told him I was thinking about leaving because of things no longer being healthy for my son he threw us out.

And you are right, it's not a chess game which is why I've tried to avoid this situation. However, if he is going to try and remove my rights to my daughter, treating this as anything less than what it is.. a custody "battle" would just be giving up and allowing him to further ostracize me from her life.

Custody may not take parentage away but what he is asking for is full physical and legal which would take my right to make detrimental life decisions away. I would no longer have the right to assist in making legal, medical, or educational decisions for her.

You should NEVER have the right to make detrimental life decisions. If that is what he is trying to remove, I HOPE HE 100% succeeds!

ETA just because your daughter does not look like either of you doesn't mean anything conclusively. Your rationale is pathetic and ridiculous. The fact that you slept with someone whose last name you don't even know or recall says a lot about you quite frankly. The fact that you want to force a DNA test and have excuses for it does NOT make your attempts proper or okay. Legally YOU do NOT have a leg to stand on. If you want to see your daughter YOU GO TO COURT.

 

[CaMom31]

You should NEVER have the right to make detrimental life decisions. If that is what he is trying to remove, I HOPE HE 100% succeeds!

ETA just because your daughter does not look like either of you doesn't mean anything conclusively. Your rationale is pathetic and ridiculous. The fact that you slept with someone whose last name you don't even know or recall says a lot about you quite frankly. The fact that you want to force a DNA test and have excuses for it does NOT make your attempts proper or okay. Legally YOU do NOT have a leg to stand on. If you want to see your daughter YOU GO TO COURT.

I may have made a mistake in my life. Oh wow those do exist and happen! However I didn't just pull this out of my ass. I have done a lot of research on the ratio/probability of a child having two or more dominant physical traits when neither parent has them. Yes it's possible, but very rare to have even one much less two.

I may not have a leg legally to stand on when it comes to DNA, that is why I asked here. However to assume he is a better parent than myself simply because I slept with a man who's last name 6 years later I don't remember doesn't make me a bad parent. I really hope you don't get to make any serious decisions regarding children if you would hand a child over to a drug addict who won't even do what it takes to get medical insurance for the child just because the other parent had a sexual encounter with someone and 6 years later can't remember their last name.

I may not feel very good about what happened but it's not something I just do all the time either. It's definately not something that will harm my child or could even be considered neglectful. Sure I made a couple poor choices. Everybody screws up. I on the other hand am working towards having a better life and at least trying to take some responsibility for my actions. I could just hide it all under the table since he doesn't seem to care either way but that's not what I'm doing.

And yes, we are going to court, but first we have to go through mediation. I am trying to sort through all the pieces and asked a simple question. It was so very nice of you to give me legal advice, however if an attorney were to speak to me the way you just did they sure wouldn't get a dime from me and if a judge spoke to me in such a way I'd probably sue him for making oppinion based upon personal feelings rather than facts. I am trying to find solutions, not looking to be slandered for my previous actions.

 

[Hisbabygirl77]

No, I'm not trying to prevent him from being her father. He has had her since we seperated but has constantly told me that even though we have a joint custody order because it was given while we were living together that now that we aren't together anymore I have no rights to her at all. The reason I have not filed earlier is I had no way to get from Modesto to Sacramento to do so and because the joint custody order was filed in Sacramento county any ammendment has to also be filed. Also I was living in a 3 bedroom house with roommates and I have a 10 year old son who resides with me as well. We only had one bedroom. On the first of October we all moved to a 4 bedroom house so now the option of me paying for two rooms has become available. I was intending on filing an amendment to the joint custody order but it has been, once again a matter of finding transportation.

As I said earlier this is just one of the issues. He is also an ex-heroine addict currently on methadone. His fiance is an insulin dependant diabetic. She has needles in the home which is a risk factor since he refuses to go to NA or seek help. He's been on Methadone for the last 8 years. One of the reasons we were having issues was they thought it was time for him to be taken off it and he refused. He intends to stay on maintenance indefinately. He has also told me they cannot afford the insulin for his fiance so she only takes it when she gets really sick but she gets "cranky". It has been my experience with insulin dependant diabetics that if they do not take their medication AS PRESCRIBED they can become psychotic.

He has pretty much told me that since he owns his own home, my daughter has her own room, his grandfather has money for attorneys and his fiance is a preschool teacher that there is nothing I can do to stop him from getting what he wants. Because I know he can provide more for her than I can I haven't ever intended to dispute her residing with him. As I said this is not an issue of de-establishing him as a father. It's excercising my rights as her mother. It was always my intent to request that joint custody remain in effect but to ammend the terms since there are none established. I want her when she's not in school and holidays. I would like to have her more but the matter of distance makes that unreasonable. I am also not willing to give up legal custody because I have a right to make decisions in her life as well.

However since he has now taken it upon himself to decide he is going to just take her completely away from me and "maybe" allow me visitation, I don't see where I have much choice than to counter sue for the same. How do you win against someone who has everything when you are on disability and assistance? As I said, yes it may seem as if I'm reaching here but walking into battle with a butterknife is not going to win against a man holding an oozie.

I believe she would be more angry with me for just laying down in the middle of the road and letting the man remove me from her life. As a child I also grew up without a mother. She always had a million excuses for why she was never there, but it was always because someone "took" me from her. Even if I lose I want to know I have done everything I can to fight for her because that will be an important factor later in her life when she's old enough to understand.

As for him just being a man... tell that to the 10 year old child he raised since birth knowing he wasn't his and now wants nothing at all to do with.

Ok I am getting quite cranky myself that you keep bringing up her diabetes as if it is a bad thing in his parenting. My son is diabetic and not ONCE has he ever been violent whether high/low. Cranky yes but by cranky its whining and irratable which I am sure is the same for his wife. For you to act like its something that is going to work in your favor is just idiotic. As for needles being in the house hello he could if he wanted them get them almost anywhere its not that hard for people who want to use to find them. Your just grasping at straws here and using someones disease as an excuse to factor in bad parenting is just disgusting.

 

[Proserpina]

. However to assume he is a better parent than myself simply because I slept with a man who's last name 6 years later I don't remember doesn't make me a bad parent. I really hope you don't get to make any serious decisions regarding children if you would hand a child over to a drug addict who won't even do what it takes to get medical insurance for the child just because the other parent had a sexual encounter with someone and 6 years later can't remember their last name.

Oh you don't want to go there. He is an EX-addict. You however cannot promise your child has not inherited a potentially fatal hereditary condition because you don't know anything about the father other than his first name.

And yes, we are going to court, but first we have to go through mediation. I am trying to sort through all the pieces and asked a simple question. It was so very nice of you to give me legal advice, however if an attorney were to speak to me the way you just did they sure wouldn't get a dime from me and if a judge spoke to me in such a way I'd probably sue him for making oppinion based upon personal feelings rather than facts.

Which you would lose outright and end up worse off than you are now.

I am trying to find solutions, not looking to be slandered for my previous actions.

No, you're asking us to judge HIM but not say a word about YOUR actions.

To reiterate:

You have no standing, whatsoever, to have the court order a DNA paternity test for your ex.

End of story.

 

[Ohiogal]

I may have made a mistake in my life. Oh wow those do exist and happen! However I didn't just pull this out of my ass. I have done a lot of research on the ratio/probability of a child having two or more dominant physical traits when neither parent has them. Yes it's possible, but very rare to have even one much less two.

And? Rare does NOT mean impossible.

I may not have a leg legally to stand on when it comes to DNA, that is why I asked here.

You don't.

However to assume he is a better parent than myself simply because I slept with a man who's last name 6 years later I don't remember doesn't make me a bad parent.

Where did I say it made you a bad parent? Oh yeah, I didn't say that.

I really hope you don't get to make any serious decisions regarding children if you would hand a child over to a drug addict who won't even do what it takes to get medical insurance for the child just because the other parent had a sexual encounter with someone and 6 years later can't remember their last name.

Nor did I say i would hand over a child to a drug addict. You like to make things up as you go along, don't you? Apparently CPS determined that he was a proper and appropriate parent when he was granted JOINT custody with you. As did you think he was a proper and appropriate parent as you stayed with him for such a long time AND left your child with him.
It is only now that you don't think such because he has moved on. Now you want to get a DNA test and prevent custody and use your affair as an excuse.

ETA: Why don't YOU have medical insurance for YOUR child? Care to explain that? Or is it just the fact that HE needs to provide medical insurance? You paying child support for this child?

I may not feel very good about what happened but it's not something I just do all the time either. It's definately not something that will harm my child or could even be considered neglectful. Sure I made a couple poor choices. Everybody screws up. I on the other hand am working towards having a better life and at least trying to take some responsibility for my actions. I could just hide it all under the table since he doesn't seem to care either way but that's not what I'm doing.

You could hide under the table.

And yes, we are going to court, but first we have to go through mediation. I am trying to sort through all the pieces and asked a simple question. It was so very nice of you to give me legal advice, however if an attorney were to speak to me the way you just did they sure wouldn't get a dime from me and if a judge spoke to me in such a way I'd probably sue him for making oppinion based upon personal feelings rather than facts.

Showing your ignorance again. You couldn't sue a judge for speaking to you in that way. There was NOTHING wrong with what I said. Your rationale is ridiculous and your actions NOW and THEN do say a lot about you. Those are all facts. Now go hire an attorney that will coddle you and sugarcoat everything and make you guarantees that you will get your child back in a heartbeat. Give him your money. You won't get different answers or guarantees -- and if you do, make sure the attorney PUTS IT IN WRITING and promises you your money back (guarantees money back) if he is wrong.

I am trying to find solutions, not looking to be slandered for my previous actions.

Not a slanderous word was said. Not one. At least not by me.

 

[stealth2]

I may have made a mistake in my life. Oh wow those do exist and happen! However I didn't just pull this out of my ass. I have done a lot of research on the ratio/probability of a child having two or more dominant physical traits when neither parent has them. Yes it's possible, but very rare to have even one much less two.

I may not have a leg legally to stand on when it comes to DNA, that is why I asked here. However to assume he is a better parent than myself simply because I slept with a man who's last name 6 years later I don't remember doesn't make me a bad parent. I really hope you don't get to make any serious decisions regarding children if you would hand a child over to a drug addict who won't even do what it takes to get medical insurance for the child just because the other parent had a sexual encounter with someone and 6 years later can't remember their last name.

I may not feel very good about what happened but it's not something I just do all the time either. It's definately not something that will harm my child or could even be considered neglectful. Sure I made a couple poor choices. Everybody screws up. I on the other hand am working towards having a better life and at least trying to take some responsibility for my actions. I could just hide it all under the table since he doesn't seem to care either way but that's not what I'm doing.

And yes, we are going to court, but first we have to go through mediation. I am trying to sort through all the pieces and asked a simple question. It was so very nice of you to give me legal advice, however if an attorney were to speak to me the way you just did they sure wouldn't get a dime from me and if a judge spoke to me in such a way I'd probably sue him for making oppinion based upon personal feelings rather than facts. I am trying to find solutions, not looking to be slandered for my previous actions.

You can forget using his "drug abuse" at this point. You didn't care when the child in question was conceived. You didn't care when you brought him into your older child's life (do you know who HIS father is?). So it's a little late for you to pretend you care now. But at least, for all his other supposed faults? He is willing to stand up and be THIS child's father - as you made him to be.

 

[CaMom31]

Ok I am getting quite cranky myself that you keep bringing up her diabetes as if it is a bad thing in his parenting. My son is diabetic and not ONCE has he ever been violent whether high/low. Cranky yes but by cranky its whining and irratable which I am sure is the same for his wife. For you to act like its something that is going to work in your favor is just idiotic. As for needles being in the house hello he could if he wanted them get them almost anywhere its not that hard for people who want to use to find them. Your just grasping at straws here and using someones disease as an excuse to factor in bad parenting is just disgusting.

My son's father was an insulin dependant diabetic. I am not using her disease against her. I am however concerned about her not taking her medication as prescribed. When my son's father did not take his insulin on time when he was supposed to or he missed a dose, he would have violent outburts that later he did not remember. They can go into a state of psychosis that goes far beyond cranky. She is supposed to be taking 60ccs 3 times a day but because she can't afford her medication or she doesn't take it as prescribed. If she gets cranky with my daughter because she isn't taking her insulin, what happens if she isn't taking her medicine when she's supposed to and has a psychotic breakdown? She could hurt my child and not even remember doing it. It's not a matter of trying to use her disease against her, it's a matter that taking such a risk when there are other options out there to get her medication is highly irresponsible and jeopardizes the safety of my child.

As for having needles in the house, that isn't even my concern. It's the fact that he is still on methadone after 8 years and refuses counseling or NA to deal with the issues (such as a woman that died in his apartment the last time he relapsed) that bothers me. Needles are simply a trigger and he doesn't even have an active support system. Also if they can't afford the medication she needs, what happens when they can no longer afford for him to be on methadone. He is a cash pay client. Will he just not take his methadone any more and have an even higher risk of relapse? We won't even get into the concerns I have about them affording my daughter's medical care should something happen. It's about priorities and responsibility.

 

[Proserpina]

My son's father was an insulin dependant diabetic. I am not using her disease against her. I am however concerned about her not taking her medication as prescribed. When my son's father did not take his insulin on time when he was supposed to or he missed a dose, he would have violent outburts that later he did not remember. They can go into a state of psychosis that goes far beyond cranky. She is supposed to be taking 60ccs 3 times a day but because she can't afford her medication or she doesn't take it as prescribed. If she gets cranky with my daughter because she isn't taking her insulin, what happens if she isn't taking her medicine when she's supposed to and has a psychotic breakdown? She could hurt my child and not even remember doing it. It's not a matter of trying to use her disease against her, it's a matter that taking such a risk when there are other options out there to get her medication is highly irresponsible and jeopardizes the safety of my child.

Does she need help obtaining the insulin? That can be much easier than you may think. (it would also, in my very humble opinion, be quite an olive branch)

(before you ask, my late husband was a type 1 diabetic since he was 11 years old. I am brutally and painfully aware of how diabetes works).

But this isn't really the point. You can reasonably ask for, and be given, the right of first refusal - iow, if your ex can't take the child for his visitation, you may keep the child with you. Otherwise, unless you can PROVE that the girlfriend is a danger, you have absolutely NOTHING.

As for having needles in the house, that isn't even my concern. It's the fact that he is still on methadone after 8 years and refuses counseling or NA to deal with the issues (such as a woman that died in his apartment the last time he relapsed) that bothers me.

And once again you bring up something that you have NEVER mentioned previously. Why is that?

Needles are simply a trigger and he doesn't even have an active support system. Also if they can't afford the medication she needs, what happens when they can no longer afford for him to be on methadone. He is a cash pay client. Will he just not take his methadone any more and have an even higher risk of relapse? We won't even get into the concerns I have about them affording my daughter's medical care should something happen. It's about priorities and responsibility.

You said his grandfather/family are well off and would help with his legal bills? Do you think they would refuse to help him in health matters?


Really?

 

[Ohiogal]

My son's father was an insulin dependant diabetic. I am not using her disease against her. I am however concerned about her not taking her medication as prescribed. When my son's father did not take his insulin on time when he was supposed to or he missed a dose, he would have violent outburts that later he did not remember. They can go into a state of psychosis that goes far beyond cranky. She is supposed to be taking 60ccs 3 times a day but because she can't afford her medication or she doesn't take it as prescribed. If she gets cranky with my daughter because she isn't taking her insulin, what happens if she isn't taking her medicine when she's supposed to and has a psychotic breakdown? She could hurt my child and not even remember doing it. It's not a matter of trying to use her disease against her, it's a matter that taking such a risk when there are other options out there to get her medication is highly irresponsible and jeopardizes the safety of my child.

As for having needles in the house, that isn't even my concern. It's the fact that he is still on methadone after 8 years and refuses counseling or NA to deal with the issues (such as a woman that died in his apartment the last time he relapsed) that bothers me. Needles are simply a trigger and he doesn't even have an active support system. Also if they can't afford the medication she needs, what happens when they can no longer afford for him to be on methadone. He is a cash pay client. Will he just not take his methadone any more and have an even higher risk of relapse? We won't even get into the concerns I have about them affording my daughter's medical care should something happen. It's about priorities and responsibility.

Lady, you are making this up as you go along. Now someone died in his apartment? When was the last time he relapsed? Oh yeah, what did you do THEN? Because apparently you decided leaving your child there was a perfectly dandy thing to do.

I am still waiting to hear why YOU do not have your child insured medically and how much you are paying in child support.

 

[CaMom31]

To: Ohio
I never said it's impossible that he's her father, just that there is probably cause for doubt.

I guess I kinda took it as I'm a bad parent considering you said that you hope I never get to make any detrimental decisions as her parent.

In General:
As for him being an ex-drug addict. What do you think Methadone is? All he did was replace one drug for another. He is just as dependant on Methadone as he was on Heroine. At this point were they to take away his Methadone he'd go right back to Heroine because he isn't strong enough to handle being sick. They have told him he needs to be tapered off, that it's time. He just refuses to do it.

I am not trying to get anyone to judge him, but to assume just because he's raised her and still willing to raise her makes him the perfect parent is highly misguided.

Food for Thought:
Something else I find really interesting is that it's okay to force a parent who doesn't want anything to do with a child to take a DNA test to prove they are the father when a woman wants child support, but it's not okay to force a parent who is trying to remove the other parent to take a DNA test to prove whether they should even have the right to do so.

 

[stealth2]

My son's father was an insulin dependant diabetic. I am not using her disease against her. I am however concerned about her not taking her medication as prescribed. When my son's father did not take his insulin on time when he was supposed to or he missed a dose, he would have violent outburts that later he did not remember. They can go into a state of psychosis that goes far beyond cranky. She is supposed to be taking 60ccs 3 times a day but because she can't afford her medication or she doesn't take it as prescribed. If she gets cranky with my daughter because she isn't taking her insulin, what happens if she isn't taking her medicine when she's supposed to and has a psychotic breakdown? She could hurt my child and not even remember doing it. It's not a matter of trying to use her disease against her, it's a matter that taking such a risk when there are other options out there to get her medication is highly irresponsible and jeopardizes the safety of my child.

As for having needles in the house, that isn't even my concern. It's the fact that he is still on methadone after 8 years and refuses counseling or NA to deal with the issues (such as a woman that died in his apartment the last time he relapsed) that bothers me. Needles are simply a trigger and he doesn't even have an active support system. Also if they can't afford the medication she needs, what happens when they can no longer afford for him to be on methadone. He is a cash pay client. Will he just not take his methadone any more and have an even higher risk of relapse? We won't even get into the concerns I have about them affording my daughter's medical care should something happen. It's about priorities and responsibility.

The court isn't going to deal in "what if"s. I mean, given your pattern of choices, Dad could say "what if" the next guy you choose is a serial killer, pedophile, has AIDS, choose something horrible? Seriously. You chose this man, despite his known faults.

"They" are in no way responsible for your daughter's medical expenses. You and he are. So perhaps you should be looking at how you can provide that for your daughter, whether he does or not. Lots of kids carry double coverage.

The main problem you have is that this man IS her father, legally and in every other sense of the word. Unless you can locate the other dude and convince him to contest paternity (and even that may not work after all these years), he IS her father. And therefore he has the same rights as you do. Period. The DNA test is irrelevant at this point. Sorry.

 

[CaMom31]

Lady, you are making this up as you go along. Now someone died in his apartment? When was the last time he relapsed? Oh yeah, what did you do THEN? Because apparently you decided leaving your child there was a perfectly dandy thing to do.

I am still waiting to hear why YOU do not have your child insured medically and how much you are paying in child support.

I was with the man for 10 years. He relapsed 9 years ago. I left him for 6 months after that until he went back into treatment. The maintenance was supposed to only be for 2 years. He got flack in his NA group because the girl who died was also a member and had friends there and kids that were left behind. When we moved to another town and I told him he should go back he once again refused.

Once again I didn't just decide to leave her, he refused to let me take her and because the child support order said since we lived in the same home together, the sherrif couldn't do anything about it. Us standing there fighting about it was only making things more traumatic for her.

Yes, I'm sure several things are coming up as the conversation rolls along because I didn't start this with my whole life story I was asking a simple question and then other things came up. As for child support I am on SSA/SSI. I believe I have mentioned already I want to put her on my SSA/SSI because she is entitled to the assistance however my ex had begged me not to because he doesn't believe in public assistance. Being on a fixed income I cannot afford to pay child support and there is no child support order. I offered the assistance I could get, the assistance I would have if she were in my care the 50% of the time she's supposed to be and he refused it. With this assistance she would also have medicare/medical. He isn't working he could also get her on medical and refuses to do so.

This isn't a matter of "can't afford" it's a matter of won't accept any help. His answer is always.. if she needs anything medically I'll pay cash. However they can't pay cash for the fiance to take her medicine?

 

[Proserpina]

In General:
As for him being an ex-drug addict. What do you think Methadone is? All he did was replace one drug for another.

Oh, Methadone is a drug?! NO!!!

Come on. Don't do that.

I am not trying to get anyone to judge him, but to assume just because he's raised her and still willing to raise her makes him the perfect parent is highly misguided.

YOU chose him to be HER LEGAL FATHER!

Something else I find really interesting is that it's okay to force a parent who doesn't want anything to do with a child to take a DNA test to prove they are the father when a woman wants child support, but it's not okay to force a parent who is trying to remove the other parent to take a DNA test to prove whether they should even have the right to do so.

OH for pete's sake. Do you really not see a difference between "a legal father has not been established so you need to do this before anything else may or may not happen" and "well gosh lady/dude, you already established him/have already been established as the LEGAL father.."?

Really?