Looking for an opinion on my current issue

[crazyeights]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Mi

Hello again,

As an update, my stbx and I are currently going through mediation. We have two more appointments and then will file for our divorce after which hopefully it will ony take four months until it is final. In the meantime, we are living together or trying to.

He is getting upset that I leave the house and sometimes do not get back until late or if at all. Yes, there have been times, more lately of course, that I just want to get out of this house. I visit friends, something else I have been doing more of as of late. There have been a few times that I have not come home, once because I went to a fall bonfire party where I met up with alot of old friends from school. There was drinking and because it was over an hour drive, I stayed the night there. Another time was over our anniversary and I went to a friends (yes he was male but only a friend) because I just didn't want to be around; I needed to get away. It wasn't just me there, he had alot of his family up also. The times I have been out late are not necessarily at bars or anything although I have been at a bar once maybe twice with friends. This has all occured over the last 2.5 months, since he moved back in.

His opinion is that since he is paying the bills that I should know what "reasonable" is. I asked him what reasonable is and I get no response. He blames me and is convinced that other things are taking place but they are not. He blames me for not doing my responsibilities but when I have gone, I have made sure that the girls have been taken care of and that he would be here, or they are usually already in bed. The house is clean etc etc. I just completed a kitchen remodel that consisted of re-placing the laminate on my coutertops, painting, cleaning out the cupboards and everything else that goes along with a job like this. It took me over three weeks to finish in between everything else I have taken care of. I have been looking for a job and have been on interviews to no avail so far and I was sick for almost three weeks which didn't help in this search. Actually, I want to start school in January so I am even hesitant on getting a job right now because I don't want to set myself up for failure and think that school is more important for me right now for many reasons. And yes, I will be able to afford to not have a job to concentrate on going to school for the first year.

He is having a hard time not being able to control me I think and is making my life miserable and has gone as far as stalking me and using tactics with friends to lead them to believe that he knows things, therefore they fess up the rest of the info of where I was etc etc. He wants to dictate to me what is reasonable but won't tell me what he thinks is reasonable. Regardless, I am having a hard time with the notion that he thinks he can dictate to me what I can do and when...so I am asking here, what are the hard fast rules regarding an issue like this? Does he have this right? Do I have to be a prisoner in my house because he pays the bills and for fear that he is going to continue to insinuate things that are not true? Yes, I have been gone more than I have ever been. Yes, I have been gone because I am finding that being with old friends is helping me get through this. But if I am wrong, I would like to know exactly what I should/should not be doing.

Am I crazy to believe that we are going to have an amicable mediation and divorce??

crazyeights

 

[mistoffolees]

That's not a question that can be answered on a legal advice forum.

I'd suggest contacting a fortune teller.

 

[nextwife]

He pays the bills, so does that mean you take NO financial responsibility in your household?

If you don't want any commitment or responsibility to your spouse, move out, get a divorce, and support yourself.

Honest to gosh, you actually went out partying without him, overnight no less, at a guys place, on YOUR ANNIVERSARY? REALLY? OMG!

"I just completed a kitchen remodel that consisted of re-placing the laminate on my coutertops, painting, cleaning out the cupboards and everything else that goes along with a job like this. It took me over three weeks to finish in between everything else I have taken care of."

BIG WHOOP to that. Plenty of us do that and more, plus coparent our children AND work full time jobs. Personally, I do improvement work on my own house, also on my investment properties AND hold down a full time job- and I'm probably decades older than you. And also raise my 12 year old daughter.

 

[crazyeights]

He pays the bills, so does that mean you take NO financial responsibility in your household? Actually no, not at the present moment. I have in the past but cannot find a job. But does this mean he can control my life??

If you don't want any commitment or responsibility to your spouse, move out, get a divorce, and support yourself. Um, I did mention that we are getting a divorce. I have been a sahm for 13 years and supported him while he achieved his masters degree. (I know here comes the bad wrap for us that choose to stay at home with our kids WITH our husbands consent). After we are divorced, my girls and I (12 & 14 and no, I doubt your decades older) will be staying in our home. So, no I am not going to move out only to have to move back in. And yes, I do want to support myself. I left a 14 year career but cannot get back in. I will be attending school as soon as this is over.

Honest to gosh, you actually went out partying without him, overnight no less, at a guys place, on YOUR ANNIVERSARY? REALLY? OMG! Yeah, honest to GOSH, I wasn't here for my anniversary and NO, I wasn't out partying. Do you really think that him and I were going to celebrate our anniversary...please!! Even before our divorce there was never an special celebration for our anniversary. You're making it sound like it was more than it was...it wasn't.

"I just completed a kitchen remodel that consisted of re-placing the laminate on my coutertops, painting, cleaning out the cupboards and everything else that goes along with a job like this. It took me over three weeks to finish in between everything else I have taken care of."

BIG WHOOP to that. Plenty of us do that and more, plus coparent our children AND work full time jobs. Personally, I do improvement work on my own house, also on my investment properties AND hold down a full time job- and I'm probably decades older than you. And also raise my 12 year old daughter. Well, good for you. I could one up you if that's what this is about but I am not going to be as immature as you sound. My point to this disclosure was to show that I am not sitting around eating bon bons. Heck, I don't even know what a bon bon is. My responsibilities are taken care of, I don't think I will bore you with the details of what those are

I understand that I am not asking for a legal opinion but in a sense I might be. If we were going the conventional route where one of us might be ordered out by a judge until the divorce was finalized (not saying this would happen) because we could not get along in front of the girls, would he be able to control my life and stalk me because he "pays the bills". It is not entirely my fault that he pays the bills and I have in the past contributed financially when I could. I had my own home business for heavens sake but was told that it took to much time away from my responsibilities...

Anyways, I am not looking to be judged and as far as our divorce goes, I am not getting more than what the law allows nor am I going after more than what the law allows. Actually, there are things that I could ask for and get legally but am not doing so. I just want to be left alone to do what I need to do to move on. And no, this does not all involve partying. It involves making old connections which have been helpful in receiving advice about school, jobs, and just getting emotional support. I'd rather be with friends than here, what is so wrong with that???

 

[LdiJ]

He pays the bills, so does that mean you take NO financial responsibility in your household?

If you don't want any commitment or responsibility to your spouse, move out, get a divorce, and support yourself.

Honest to gosh, you actually went out partying without him, overnight no less, at a guys place, on YOUR ANNIVERSARY? REALLY? OMG!

"I just completed a kitchen remodel that consisted of re-placing the laminate on my coutertops, painting, cleaning out the cupboards and everything else that goes along with a job like this. It took me over three weeks to finish in between everything else I have taken care of."

BIG WHOOP to that. Plenty of us do that and more, plus coparent our children AND work full time jobs. Personally, I do improvement work on my own house, also on my investment properties AND hold down a full time job- and I'm probably decades older than you. And also raise my 12 year old daughter.

I hope you were being sarcastic on the bolded Nexie, because they are in the middle of a divorce and the last place anyone wants to be on that day is anywhere near their stbx spouse.

 

[crazyeights]

I hope you were being sarcastic on the bolded Nexie, because they are in the middle of a divorce and the last place anyone wants to be on that day is anywhere near their stbx spouse.

Thank you LdiJ....

 

[LdiJ]

I understand that I am not asking for a legal opinion but in a sense I might be. If we were going the conventional route where one of us might be ordered out by a judge until the divorce was finalized (not saying this would happen) because we could not get along in front of the girls, would he be able to control my life and stalk me because he "pays the bills". It is not entirely my fault that he pays the bills and I have in the past contributed financially when I could. I had my own home business for heavens sake but was told that it took to much time away from my responsibilities...

Anyways, I am not looking to be judged and as far as our divorce goes, I am not getting more than what the law allows nor am I going after more than what the law allows. Actually, there are things that I could ask for and get legally but am not doing so. I just want to be left alone to do what I need to do to move on. And no, this does not all involve partying. It involves making old connections which have been helpful in receiving advice about school, jobs, and just getting emotional support. I'd rather be with friends than here, what is so wrong with that???

If you didn't have children I would be telling you to do whatever you please and tell your soon to be ex to pound sand.

However, you do have children. If you want to retain primary custody then leaving the children with your stbx often is not necessarily a wise idea. It could give him the grounds to claim that his is being the primary parent while you gad out and about.

 

[crazyeights]

If you didn't have children I would be telling you to do whatever you please and tell your soon to be ex to pound sand.

However, you do have children. If you want to retain primary custody then leaving the children with your stbx often is not necessarily a wise idea. It could give him the grounds to claim that his is being the primary parent while you gad out and about.

Thanks again....Yes, I do have children, they are usually in bed before I leave and they are never left alone. There are some weeks I might of went away from home a couple of times, other weeks none. He doesn't get home until 7 or 8 at night and he is not home on two other nights until after 9 or 10pm so he rarely sees his girls. Me going away for the weekend allowed him with some time with the girls without me around, this I thought was a good thing. Also, I should mention that during the month he moved out, he not once made time to see the girls, he didn't even call them. I am just mentioning this and never once thought about using this against him. I was just upset with him because I felt that he wasn't doing right by the girls at the time.

I wondered also, if this is a tactic to try to get custody but we are going through mediation and this has already been discussed and agreed upon. When he moves out for good, I know that I will not be able to come and go as I please (gosh, I am making it sound like thats all I have been doing but honestly, it's not. It's just more than I ever have in the past), he, right now is upset I think because I am not reporting to him where I am going and who with and using the "paying the bills" as his reason for needing to know. He has gone as far as to track me down, place a keylogger on my computer, fish my friends for information, etc.etc. I placed a lock on my bedroom door that he doesn't think is within my right to do so and I hear about that all the time. I could go on**************...

I am wondering, could this be an issue that I should bring up at our next mediation?? Or is it something that people jsut have to deal with until the divorce is final???? Thanks again.

 

[crazyeights]

My current issue with regards to stalking

I was just talking to my stbx and he informed me that he will continue to follow me, go through great pains to find out were I go etc etc. Would this not be considered stalking? I am not out doing anything I shouldn't be doing so I am not worried about that. I also have reason to believe that he has a tracking device on my car and wil be taking it to my mechanic to have a look. What literally gets my goat is that he thinks he has a right to. I don't know what to think, I really don't. Not that I would charge him with stalking but if this could be the case, I may let him know this so that maybe he will back off.

I want our divorce to be amicable as it has been so far but he claims that since we are still married and he pays the bills that he has a right to tell me what is reasonable and what isn't. Which like I said, he won't tell me what he thinks reasonable is.

Since most of our disagreements are during the weekend, I am thinking that we should take turns being home every other weekend until this is final. THIS is certainly driving me crazy!!!

 

[LdiJ]

I was just talking to my stbx and he informed me that he will continue to follow me, go through great pains to find out were I go etc etc. Would this not be considered stalking? I am not out doing anything I shouldn't be doing so I am not worried about that. I also have reason to believe that he has a tracking device on my car and wil be taking it to my mechanic to have a look. What literally gets my goat is that he thinks he has a right to. I don't know what to think, I really don't. Not that I would charge him with stalking but if this could be the case, I may let him know this so that maybe he will back off.

I want our divorce to be amicable as it has been so far but he claims that since we are still married and he pays the bills that he has a right to tell me what is reasonable and what isn't. Which like I said, he won't tell me what he thinks reasonable is.

Since most of our disagreements are during the weekend, I am thinking that we should take turns being home every other weekend until this is final. THIS is certainly driving me crazy!!!

Of course its not reasonable at all for him to think that he has any control over you, paying the bills or not, at this time.

However, the reality of things is that you are currently sharing a household, its temporary until the divorce is final, and putting up with a little crazyness is par for the course.

If you don't want to deal with the crazyness then you either need to file for temporary possession of the marital home and some sort of temporary spousal support, or you need to move out yourself. However, moving out yourself could put you at a disadvantage for custody.

 

[alanpaulk]

What about a suit for separate maintenance?