Same old birthday story, same old birthday song and dance. And it’s all CJanes fault…

[ProSeDadinMD]

I’ll answer in order, and combine when appropriate.

Knowalot and maryjo:
I AM putting my child first. My birthday IS important to her. Sorry that your’s don’t feel the same way. Maybe it comes from being a child who knows, without anybody telling her, that there is some inequity in the time SHE get’s to see HER parents. As she recently told me, “I’m a complicated little girl”…

maryjo:
I’m not your ex. I am me. I want to see my daughter on a daily basis, and can’t. I’d kill for 5 hours a day. Hell, I’d maim to be able to SPEAK WITH my daughter every day. I am not afforded that luxury. Not because I don’t want to, but because someone else has decided that I am not allowed. In every 4 week period, by her mothers decree, I am actually able to maybe speak with my daughter an extra 2 or 3 times from the days that I see her. That means that the only time I am guaranteed to talk to my daughter are the days I actually see her. That’s 10 out of every 28 day/4 week period. And I call several times a week, I just don't get a call back. Her mother get’s to speak with/SEE our daughter EVERY DAY BUT 4 out of every 4 week/28 day cycle. She doesn’t try on those off days except maybe 1 time every 3-4 months, and then only if she’s trying to indicate that I don’t allow it. I have Little Miss Pro Se call back every time. I wish I got that courtesy.

As I said, “Do it another of the 364 days a year” is easy for somebody who gets to see their child on a daily basis to say.

LMPS isn’t going thru this, other than getting the occasional bout of conflicting information. Other than that she keeps telling me that it’s “not fair” that she see’s The Ex more than me. Her words, not mine, and I keep having to remember(The Ex should start to as well) that she is in 5th grade with a calendar. I don’t need to tell her the dates, she knows.

Hisbaby, Wiley, stealth, OG, and TBL;
I do my best to keep LMPS’s interests in mind, and take them into consideration on my every decision. I don’t know that I succeed every time, but I damn well try.

Was this the straw that broke the camels back? No, but it was just one more to get the back creaking/straining/etc. Is this a "hill to die on”? No again, but it is a hill to suffer some wounds on.

Does this need clarified/amended? Yes.

Obtuse: A word I need to add to my “vocabulary of use” with The Ex.


BTW, LMPS was bright eyed and bushy tailed when I dropped her off at school this morning, and we had a fine time last night.

 

[ProSeDadinMD]

Because TBL mentioned it, here’s the birthday schedule for the next 8 years.

2009: Mine was last night(The Ex’s night), and hers is on her night
2010: Mine is on The Ex’s night, and hers is on her night.
2011: Mine is on my night, and hers is on her night
2012: Mine is on my night, and hers is on my night
2013: Mine is on her night, and hers is on her night
2014: Mine is on my night, and hers is on my night
2015: Mine is on her night, and hers is on my night
2016: Mine is on my night, and hers is on her night
2017: Mine is on her night, and hers is on her night.

After that, LMPS will be 18 and able to go where she pleases.

So, over the next 8 years(counting this year), my birthday falls on her night 5 times, and hers on my night 3 times.

Is 8 nights over 8 years a big enough “hill to die on”? Absolutely not.

Is it enough to warrant going to a mediator? You tell me.

Is it enough that it will matter to Little Miss Pro Se? Yes, without a doubt. Our(both The Ex’s and mine) birthdays are important to LMPS. And that should be important to both of her parents.

Edited to add:
L'il Sis's birthday is affected in 2012, 2014, and 2015. Again, another 3 days. I'd be fine with that.

 

[ProSeDadinMD]

Some people just can't wait...

The Ex has been heard from. This was recieved via email a short while ago:

I hope your birthday celebrations went well. We will be heading to (Large American City) for Thanksgiving. Per the email below, thank you for choosing to trade favors with me. We will be returning the Saturday past Thanksgiving, 11/28. We will be driving on Saturday so I do not have a specific time. ...

There's more, but it's a little detail specific.

This is the wording of the original email from Sunday:

In this case, if you prefer to keep (Little Miss Pro Se) for an overnight on your birthday tomorrow (which I fully support), I will keep her for an overnight the Friday after Thanksgiving. If you prefer to have (LMPS) back for that Friday after Thanksgiving, I look forward to her return no later than 9pm tomorrow from your birthday celebrations. The choice is yours.

I now have an ice cream headache...

 

[LocalRocket]

Rocket - wrong thread, I think.

Weird. I deleted it. I have no idea how I put this comment on the wrong thread. DEleted, sorry about that!

 

[LocalRocket]

I'll re-post with what I was trying to say on this thread, which is this:

I think the same-day birthday thing is a little silly, and just because the ex insists that she gets her birthday, you don't necessarily have to stoop to her level on the issue. You ccould always have 2 parties like your daughter gets, one on your birthday and one when you have her.

That said, now that I'm the NCP and not the CP (after being CP for over 3 years and then moving away and back), I fully understand the desire to fight for any extra day with your child. Heck, I'd use my birthday or my dog's birthday if it meant the possibility of more time. Your daughter sounds very sweet and very bright.

If I were you, I'd be askng the judge for a way to see your daughter on more days period (permission for a longer vacation, yearly trip, anything) rather than make this about your birthday. In my county, the length of vacation an NCP is allowed to take with kids get longer and longer the older they get. Can you ask for more time due to her age?

 

[LdiJ]

I'll re-post with what I was trying to say on this thread, which is this:

I think the same-day birthday thing is a little silly, and just because the ex insists that she gets her birthday, you don't necessarily have to stoop to her level on the issue. You ccould always have 2 parties like your daughter gets, one on your birthday and one when you have her.

That said, now that I'm the NCP and not the CP (after being CP for over 3 years and then moving away and back), I fully understand the desire to fight for any extra day with your child. Heck, I'd use my birthday or my dog's birthday if it meant the possibility of more time. Your daughter sounds very sweet and very bright.

If I were you, I'd be askng the judge for a way to see your daughter on more days period (permission for a longer vacation, yearly trip, anything) rather than make this about your birthday. In my county, the length of vacation an NCP is allowed to take with kids get longer and longer the older they get. Can you ask for more time due to her age?

The OP here has already dealt with all of that. He already has his child as much as is practical/reasonable with the distance between the homes. He is a long time poster to the forums and is very much on top of that.

 

[ProSeDadinMD]

I'll re-post with what I was trying to say on this thread, which is this:

I think the same-day birthday thing is a little silly, and just because the ex insists that she gets her birthday, you don't necessarily have to stoop to her level on the issue. You ccould always have 2 parties like your daughter gets, one on your birthday and one when you have her.

That said, now that I'm the NCP and not the CP (after being CP for over 3 years and then moving away and back), I fully understand the desire to fight for any extra day with your child. Heck, I'd use my birthday or my dog's birthday if it meant the possibility of more time. Your daughter sounds very sweet and very bright.

If I were you, I'd be askng the judge for a way to see your daughter on more days period (permission for a longer vacation, yearly trip, anything) rather than make this about your birthday. In my county, the length of vacation an NCP is allowed to take with kids get longer and longer the older they get. Can you ask for more time due to her age?

The OP here has already dealt with all of that. He already has his child as much as is practical/reasonable with the distance between the homes. He is a long time poster to the forums and is very much on top of that.

I'd work something out with my schedule, even if it meant switching jobs(but I do like what I do).

Apparently, this "complicated little girl" has a 12 year old friend at daycare who told her that she can choose which parent to live with, or see, at 12. She wasn’t enthusiastic about my answer to that.

It was cute the way she started the conversation though:

Dad, how would you feel about coming and picking me up a couple of more times a week?

 

[CJane]

Well, how important is the Fri/Sat after TGiving to you?

 

[stealth2]

So when LMPS has said "it's not fair" - what has YOUR response been?

 

[ProSeDadinMD]

Well, how important is the Fri/Sat after TGiving to you?

In this instance, for me and to LMPS as well, very much so. I have been "with" my "bed warmer" since LMPS was about 8 mos old, and LMPS has very close ties to all of them(not to mention me), and although she has been told repeatedly that they are not her family(by The Ex,) legally(by me, thinks of SS#1(and by extension, his wife and 2 young children) and SS#2(who has always been here, and is great with her) as brothers.

She also know enough to tell that we wait for her for some things.

"The purpose of little sisters is to annoy big brothers"

... is a saying oft heard in my house.

So when LMPS has said "it's not fair" - what has YOUR response been?

"Sometimes life isn't fair. You have to deal with things the way we are. Aren't we lucky that..."

 

[wileybunch]

Blech, your ex has been to the same school of craptastic custodial parenting that my DH's has.

 

[waitinMd]

Mom needs to stop with the innuendo’s on Dad…

Birthdays in our family are important. We were taught to celebrate each person’s special day. Someone in the family cooks the birthday person their special dinner (except my aunt, she HAS to have crabs, corn and ber) But because Christmas is so expensive, we limit spending on anyone out of college to 20.00 at the holidays; the children still 'clean up from Santa'

Birthdays are treated different, it is like a little mini holiday for that person. But in ProSe's case this isn’t all about the birthday; it is about these subtle disparaging hits on Dad… IMO anyway.

Anyways… ProSe if I had to go to mediation, I would mention ALL special occasions… do NOT stop at these birthdays!

My cousin is getting married… her fiancés son is the ring bearer… now a few weeks before the wedding his ex is saying “it’s not your weekend …. I have him’... My cousin has Ravens Steelers tickets.... his ex says 'not your weekend...' come on, the boy likes football.....

Isn’t there some wording that would include special days or circumstances?? such as weddings/baptisms/funerals… and whatever else is important to your family?? And you can throw in little Misses sister’s birthday just to show your ex that you have empathy…

I mean really, what if you won a trip to Disney? She can't go cuz it is not your weekend....

I just wouldn't stop at the birthdays if I had to go to court, ya know?

 

[ProSeDadinMD]

In this instance, for me and to LMPS as well, very much so. I have been "with" my "bed warmer" since LMPS was about 8 mos old, and LMPS has very close ties to all of them(not to mention me), and although she has been told repeatedly that they are not her family(by The Ex,) legally(by me, thinks of SS#1(and by extension, his wife and 2 young children) and SS#2(who has always been here, and is great with her) as brothers.

She also know enough to tell that we wait for her for some things.


... is a saying oft heard in my house

The above was my "It's 10pm and I'm tired" response, and not the only answer to CJanes question, although as I have had a skewed sense of family on my own(based on my own childhood familial situation), I am trying the best that I can to improve myself and NOT impart that to my daughter. Everybody involved loves each other, and that's important to me and for her.

How about "Very, because I spent 8 months fighting for it a little over 2 years ago, and any time LMPS and I get to spend together is important. There's never been enough of it as it is."?

But in ProSe's case this isn’t all about the birthday; it is about these subtle disparaging hits on Dad… IMO anyway.

I'd think that this sums it up nicely. Well, that, and in the long run money.

If we end up actually going to court, the first thing she will be trying to do is take away the midweek overnight, which will have the effect of changing physical custody(not to mention remove 52 days/nights a year that I see our daughter). Changing custody from shared to not would double CS. That's a huge motivation to her.

Anyways… ProSe if I had to go to mediation, I would mention ALL special occasions… do NOT stop at these birthdays!

"Special Days" are already listed in our order, but under the "Federal Holidays" heading. The Ex has tried to use that as her reasoning behind L'il Sis's birthday(in the same email that she was telling me I wasn't getting my b-day, no less)

How do you request random future events?

Oh, and I've thought about it and intend to ask that we communicate only via email on ALL non-emergency matters(I'm so sick of The Ex saying one thing and then changing her mind when it suits her), and phone contact(I rarely get a return call when I try to call to speak to LMPS, maybe 1 out of 6 or 7, and The Ex has previously stated via email that she would not allow me regular phone contact).

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

I have another word for you to use:

obfuscate

This one describes my X in the court room.

 

[my life is mine]

I have another word for you to use:

obfuscate

This one describes my X in the court room.

had to look that one up! I could use that one to describe my Ex also