My ex wants only one son to live with him

[alwayshere]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Illinois
I have been divorced for 9 years and have custodial custody of my 2 boys 12 and 15. I have been very involved with boys, room mom, volunteer at the school, attend everything that they have been involved in. My oldest has aspergers conbined with ODD - which makes him have a defiant behavior when he is disciplined. When I put him on punishment - he gets mad and calls his dad everytime- who is in another country - his dad enjoys this and says to me your kids hate you. When I am not discipling my son - we are fine - he is affectionate with me - jokes around - but when I punish him (take away privileges- he gets very angry and lashes out. When I discipline my son - the ex undermines my authority by always disagreeing with me in front of my son(over the phone and my son knows this and feeds off of it-so now everytime I punish him - he calls his dad - even if I tell him not to. after their last visit with dad - my ex calls and said he wants custody - of just the oldest. He is an executive and works long hours, travels extensively - so basically the step mom would have to take care of our son. Also because of the distance and expense -his brother and I could not see him and even if I could - then how do I attend the youngest sons weekend activities? This change would break up our family again separating the brothers. Does my ex stand a chance at making this happen since my son wants it.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Illinois
I have been divorced for 9 years and have custodial custody of my 2 boys 12 and 15. I have been very involved with boys, room mom, volunteer at the school, attend everything that they have been involved in. My oldest has aspergers conbined with ODD - which makes him have a defiant behavior when he is disciplined. When I put him on punishment - he gets mad and calls his dad everytime- who is in another country - his dad enjoys this and says to me your kids hate you. When I am not discipling my son - we are fine - he is affectionate with me - jokes around - but when I punish him (take away privileges- he gets very angry and lashes out. When I discipline my son - the ex undermines my authority by always disagreeing with me in front of my son(over the phone and my son knows this and feeds off of it-so now everytime I punish him - he calls his dad - even if I tell him not to. after their last visit with dad - my ex calls and said he wants custody - of just the oldest. He is an executive and works long hours, travels extensively - so basically the step mom would have to take care of our son. Also because of the distance and expense -his brother and I could not see him and even if I could - then how do I attend the youngest sons weekend activities? This change would break up our family again separating the brothers. Does my ex stand a chance at making this happen since my son wants it.

Your ex lives in another country correct? I can't say that your ex doesn't stand a chance at all, but it would be a very weak chance.

Your son's wishes might be the necessary "change in circumstance" to bring a suit forth, but dad would be hard pressed to convince a judge, against your will, to both change custody and allow him to relocate the child to another country.

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Illinois
I have been divorced for 9 years and have custodial custody of my 2 boys 12 and 15. I have been very involved with boys, room mom, volunteer at the school, attend everything that they have been involved in. My oldest has aspergers conbined with ODD - which makes him have a defiant behavior when he is disciplined. When I put him on punishment - he gets mad and calls his dad everytime- who is in another country - his dad enjoys this and says to me your kids hate you. When I am not discipling my son - we are fine - he is affectionate with me - jokes around - but when I punish him (take away privileges- he gets very angry and lashes out. When I discipline my son - the ex undermines my authority by always disagreeing with me in front of my son(over the phone and my son knows this and feeds off of it-so now everytime I punish him - he calls his dad - even if I tell him not to. after their last visit with dad - my ex calls and said he wants custody - of just the oldest. He is an executive and works long hours, travels extensively - so basically the step mom would have to take care of our son. Also because of the distance and expense -his brother and I could not see him and even if I could - then how do I attend the youngest sons weekend activities? This change would break up our family again separating the brothers. Does my ex stand a chance at making this happen since my son wants it.

A few things -- how often does dad see oldest? Why are you ALLOWING oldest to call his father? Why are YOU not putting your foot down? If dad is in another country why wouldn't your youngest be able to do weekend activities and you be able to attend?

Your ex MIGHT have a chance at custody. It is a slim chance but aging CAN be considered a substantial change in circumstance depending on when the last determination in custody was made.

 

[alwayshere]

Both boys see their dad about every 6 to 8 weeks - dad is requesting only custody of one - because the oldest is requesting to go. If ex got custody of one - then if I was somehow able to afford the airfair to see my oldest - then no one would be in town with the youngest to go to his activities. I try to put my foot down - but my son is defiant (part of his aspergers syndrome- defiant behavior - which we are now going to counseling for) my enables my sons behavior by taking the calls - and uses this information to say - my son hates me.

 

[alwayshere]

continued - my ex works 50 - 60 hours of work and travels 30% of the time if not more. He will not be able to spend time with our son - it will be his wife doing the work. He makes tons of money and can fly in to see them whenever he wants -after all these years - he has only come to town once or twice for their games - now that the oldest is in high school - he came for 1/2 of the games - but flew right back out (on a Saturday) 40 minutes after the game is over. I know my son thinks this is where he wants to go - because right now - I am the tough love parent - not trying to win popularity - but trying to discipline - but his dad who is dedicated to his career will not be there, it also breaks up siblings, and limits my ability to have a relationship with my oldest.

 

[Ohiogal]

Both boys see their dad about every 6 to 8 weeks - dad is requesting only custody of one - because the oldest is requesting to go. If ex got custody of one - then if I was somehow able to afford the airfair to see my oldest - then no one would be in town with the youngest to go to his activities. I try to put my foot down - but my son is defiant (part of his aspergers syndrome- defiant behavior - which we are now going to counseling for) my enables my sons behavior by taking the calls - and uses this information to say - my son hates me.

Why do you believe you would be traveling to see your child and that dad would not be sending junior to see you?

 

[Cainlord]

Have you thought of having your son visit him for an extended period of time, probably to give him a feeler of what living with your son is like when he gets mad? Sometimes that alone can put the brakes on changes.

 

[LdiJ]

Have you thought of having your son visit him for an extended period of time, probably to give him a feeler of what living with your son is like when he gets mad? Sometimes that alone can put the brakes on changes.

That's a thought. Perhaps the child could spend the summer at dad's, and return to you for school.