are you kidding?

[ProSeDadinMD]

If you think its worth the money and time , take it to court and get it in the order that if he's not there within 30 minutes or so of his pickup time he forfeits the time.

Except that, at least in this instance, Dad has given notice. That would make the "within 30 minutes or forfeits" clause a sticky wicket to go by.

It would also add insult to injury for your daughter, obx, so you should keep that in mind as well.

 

[BL]

I'm confused. To any parent having these issues you say follow the court order. Now you tell me to go out of the way**************which I have in past instances.

He has forgone six weekends in the space of 5 or so months, not including the week in summer and phone calls. All of his own volition.

Don't be too confused .

If the visiting parent wants to utilize their court ordered visiting time ,the other parent has to stick with the court order and send the child(ren) for visits ( an obligation ),or face contempt .

Visitation are a right , not an obligation .There is no violation for not utilizing their visitation rights , thus no contempt .

Unless you really had something important planned for Sat. and Sun . , it isn't going to hurt one tiny bit for Dad to come Sat. to take the child for visits .

Only emotionally to make a mountain out of a molehill.

 

[michandil]

Well, I'll take the other side on this one.

First, I say check with the friend of the court or other parenting time and post-judgment dispute arm of your court. (Don't know what's its called in VA.) Discuss the rules and standards where you are.

In the courts I know, if a parent voluntarily misses parenting time/visitation three times in a row- skips or is late chronically- you can go to court to have the schedule changed. And that is deemed to be acting in the best interests of the child.

The reasoning is this. Basically it isn't about you or dad, it's about structure, predictability, respect and a child being able to schedule a life and not have to go through the repeated distress of having a parent bail on them over and over and over. That isn't ok. It sure wouldn't elicit the sympathy of any court personnel I know.

Other reasoning- no one is entitled to have anyone repeatedly sit around and wait for them. People who are considerate and respectful don't do it to others. In addition, this sows seeds of conflict and, just like you said, endorses violating rules. It is passive aggression. No parent is so incredibly important that they are given carte blanche to jerk around other parent and, especially, child!

With a cooperative parent, the need to adjust schedule is a piece of cake. Dad works late often or has a flex schedule, so a new schedule is put in place by consent to provide predictability for child, ability to comply and provide structure to child by Dad (or Mom, if that were the case), and out of respect for other parent.

I'd make an appointment with the referee (or equivalent) to see how to proceed to get his schedule changed to meet status quo so you and your child are not living on puppet strings.

No, this is not ok in my book.

 

[JKBee]

The problem I see is that the dad is not always seeing the child at the times he promised. Is this causing problems with the child, who is expecting to see the father and then is not? The emotional aspect of his not seeing the child should be looked at closely.

If the court order states a specific time, place,etc., then that is what the court expects to be kept. You do not have to alter it to please the father. However, does altering this visitation schedule please the child? This is what you need to keep first and foremost in mind.

 

[Proserpina]

Well, I'll take the other side on this one.

First, I say check with the friend of the court or other parenting time and post-judgment dispute arm of your court. (Don't know what's its called in VA.) Discuss the rules and standards where you are.

In the courts I know, if a parent voluntarily misses parenting time/visitation three times in a row- skips or is late chronically- you can go to court to have the schedule changed. And that is deemed to be acting in the best interests of the child.

The reasoning is this. Basically it isn't about you or dad, it's about structure, predictability, respect and a child being able to schedule a life and not have to go through the repeated distress of having a parent bail on them over and over and over. That isn't ok. It sure wouldn't elicit the sympathy of any court personnel I know.

Other reasoning- no one is entitled to have anyone repeatedly sit around and wait for them. People who are considerate and respectful don't do it to others. In addition, this sows seeds of conflict and, just like you said, endorses violating rules. It is passive aggression. No parent is so incredibly important that they are given carte blanche to jerk around other parent and, especially, child!

With a cooperative parent, the need to adjust schedule is a piece of cake. Dad works late often or has a flex schedule, so a new schedule is put in place by consent to provide predictability for child, ability to comply and provide structure to child by Dad (or Mom, if that were the case), and out of respect for other parent.

I'd make an appointment with the referee (or equivalent) to see how to proceed to get his schedule changed to meet status quo so you and your child are not living on puppet strings.

No, this is not ok in my book.

Which jurisdiction are you talking about?

 

[Isis1]

i take being a custodial parent very seriously. which means, even if it's inconvenient to me as a person, my child/ren is/are to be available to pick up the children from the start of the court ordered time until the end of the court ordered time. which means, if dad wants to pick up 2 hours late, he can. if he wants to drop off 8 hours early, he can. if i am at home, i won't say no. if i'm not home, and he didn't give me notice, that's his bad. he has to deal with that. i've gotten into arguments with the husband over this. don't care. if MY pans change from time to time, so be it. my kids come first.

it is what seperates from being a custodial parent and a non-custodial parent.

 

[purplegreen]

i take being a custodial parent very seriously. which means, even if it's inconvenient to me as a person, my child/ren is/are to be available to pick up the children from the start of the court ordered time until the end of the court ordered time. which means, if dad wants to pick up 2 hours late, he can. if he wants to drop off 8 hours early, he can. if i am at home, i won't say no. if i'm not home, and he didn't give me notice, that's his bad. he has to deal with that. i've gotten into arguments with the husband over this. don't care. if MY pans change from time to time, so be it. my kids come first.

I agree 100% with this. It's how I behave with my kids and NCP. Why? Because my home is the kids' HOME. NCP hasn't made any effort to make their house the kids' home. The kids are very clearly only visiting. The kids need to have a place that they can feel ownership in. Someplace where they are ALWAYS safe and welcome.

Does it stink sometimes? Yes! I get exactly 4 nights a month that I could possibly do anything not kid related. When the NCP gets a new love interest and suddenly has to "work late" every Friday night it messes up my plans. But, it hurts the kids more. I could get all ranty and make a big deal over it so my kids feel even worse - thinking neither parent wants to be with them OR I can say "Bummer NCP has to work late. But lucky for us! Let's make popcorn and watch a movie."

 

[CJane]

I'm curious why dad picking kiddo up a day late is seen as such a disruption. Mom, if you have plans, ask someone to watch kiddo and dad can pick her up from them. If you don't have plans, enjoy the additional day with your child and get over it.

No matter what that poor misguided soul up there told you, missing a few visits here and there is NOT cause to modify the order and even if it WAS, your order is NOT modified and you MUST follow it. Dad's possession time is from Friday-Sunday. If at ANY POINT between the designated pick up time and the designated drop off time, he wants access to his child, you MUST grant his request - ESPECIALLY when he's given you advance notice.

 

[stealth2]

Ditto, Isabella.

My kids are supposed to see their Dad once/mo, all summer, alternating holidays/school breaks. He hasn't followed that in years - he sees them a week in the summer, and a week or so at Christmas/New Years. That's it. And ya know what? I go with the flow of when he wants them because they want to see him. Sure, it screws my plans now and again. But it's NOT about *me*.

 

[maryjo]

I'm confused. To any parent having these issues you say follow the court order. Now you tell me to go out of the way**************which I have in past instances.

He has forgone six weekends in the space of 5 or so months, not including the week in summer and phone calls. All of his own volition.

Look, this past year alone my ex went the first 4 or 5 months without picking up our son at all on his weekends. And he has NEVER taken his one evening a week. He didnt take him for his half of the summer and out of 3 summers he has only taken the first year. He only took him for 2 days of his Christmas vacation last year that was supposed to be a week. He has never taken a Spring Break and has only taken one Easter.

When he wanted to lower the child support and I didnt give in he decided to take me to court. A process that last 5 months. During that time he got our son every weekend he was supposed to or if he didnt he made up the time.

Since we went to court, I think he has taken ONE weekend.

BUT......

Last weekend when he was supposed to get him he asked if he could just pick him up for the weekend to go see his grandmother and go to dinner. Of course I said yes. Any time is better than no time!

And then he asked to pick him up that Wednesday to take him to the Veteran's Day parade. Of course I again said yes. I knew, being a former Marine, that its a special day to him and he wanted to share that with his son. It wasnt his normal time. But I love when my son gets to spend quality time with his father. They had a blast. I happend to see them because I took some of my guys from work (I work with disabled people) and we ran into them. I wish you could have seen my son's face as they were talking to a Marine in full dress blues. You would have thought my son was looking into the face of God! He had an amazing day that day and I am very glad I didnt try to stop it because of petty "we MUST follow the court order"!!

Step back, relax, give a little. It will make everyone's life easier.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

NOTHING says that if the picking up parent can't/won't be there on time that you can't give then alternate places to pick up the children when they do get there. (ps - as long as there isn't a court order saying otherwise.)

There's that courtesy window that you can stay home for. After that, let 'em know WHERE they can pick the kids up from. Oh, you decided to be late and I had plans out of town. Well, dearest, guess you can pick them up from there. Most reasonable person learn from that one.

 

[maryjo]

Does it stink sometimes? Yes! I get exactly 4 nights a month that I could possibly do anything not kid related.

AMEN!!!! I used to feel all sad and depressed when this all first started. And then I started to enjoy having the free weekends..and then felt guilty about that. That turned into getting really unhappy when my free weekends were ruined. BUT...I have to say....it makes it easier for me. I am happy when he goes, and happy when he stays!

 

[obxsurf]

isabella,zinger, et. all

I'm seriously not trying to take time from him. She adores her dad as it should be. He is a great person.....probably better than me when it comes to "good times".

But again this is not the first time this has happened...or the fifth. The fact of the matter is it hurts her. Leaves her crying. I have told fibs some she doesn't know. How far am I supposed to go here before changing the situation?

Thanks all again

 

[obxsurf]

wait

I have changed schedules and plans to allow his visitation on MULTIPLE OCCASIONS. I am not trying to hurt him or her. I'm trying to give her stability. Nothing less, nothing more. Because it hurts HER. She does not understand why dad does this to her. I suppose I'm supposed to continue to lie for him...hmmm ok

 

[obxsurf]

cjane

We can't do that due to past issues. The exchange is him, me and k at a agreed upon location.

Thanks all. While it may seem like I'm not listening, I am.