are you kidding?

[maryjo]

I have changed schedules and plans to allow his visitation on MULTIPLE OCCASIONS. I am not trying to hurt him or her. I'm trying to give her stability. Nothing less, nothing more. Because it hurts HER. She does not understand why dad does this to her. I suppose I'm supposed to continue to lie for him...hmmm ok

Why would you lie? Just say dad had something come up but he still loves her and will hopefully see her next time.

How long have you had the visitation order? How old is your child?

This really isnt that big a deal. It almost seems as if you are wanting to go to court to cut dad's time down and are looking for any excuse to do it. But since he already doesnt see her that much, whats the point?

Do you ever communicate with dad during the week to see if he is coming or not? Usually by Wed or Thurs if I havent heard from my ex if he is going or not then I will text him. That way we are all prepared for the weekend.

You have a long road ahead of you dealing with dad. You might want to start picking your battles now and figuring out which is worth fighting.

If dad doesnt show up dont let your daughter get upset about it. Blow it off as no big deal and then find something fun to do!

 

[my life is mine]

As a parent who has dealt with this in VA, I will give you my experience in and out of court.

.

Dad would flake off and on during the first 2years, occasionally missing a visit, with either a call or no call.

The Dad went where he would NCNS for months, usually 2 month periods. This continued for 2 years

Then Dad and I went to court and Judge changed order to once a month visits due to Dad flaking off. Dad would flake off every couple of months for 2-3 months. I let it continue for 4 years.

Finally back in court, Judge with GAL interjections, decided that visitation would be at children's discretion. (Children were older 15 and 16)

During that 8 years of Dad flaking, kids went through issues. They would wait and be available always because I made sure of it. If I had something I needed to do during that wait time I would send Dad an email, stating the facts as they were. I always sent this email as soon as I knew I needed to do something.


Example:
Children will be available for pick up at home from Friday 6pm until noon on Saturday, if unable to pick them up during these times, they will be at XXXXXX address until whatever time I needed to deal with what I had going on.


Careful documentation is your friend.

 

[obxsurf]

cutting time

I don't want to cut his time. I want him to use his time. To answer the question regarding communication, we don't. In regard to me lying, my "lies" were something along the lines of daddy had to work but when you do get together you'll have lots of fun..not daddy fell off a cliff variety. And I do tell her all the time how much we both love her.

In the grand scheme of things, this is not a big deal, but it is insensitive of him. I took everyone's advice, got off my personal emotional roller coaster and texted him back ok'ing the change.

Thanks for keeping me in check.

 

[Newlydivmomto4]

It sucks for the child when they are planning on going with the NCP and something comes up. Simple solution is this, I think your child is 4 right? Okay, so make up a box with a bunch of notes inside on things to do, rent a movie night, special game, trip to the park, campout in the front room, etc. Label the box something silly like, the Secret Mommy Time Box. When NCP calls and says, "sorry, I can't pickup munchking." Tell munchkin and then break out the box. Try to turn something negative into a positive learning experience for the child, ok, so plans change, instead of pouting about it and crying, lets be flexible and do something different.

 

[CJane]

Honestly, look... I have a 4 year old kiddo - or nearly so, anyway.

Given my BF's profession, (Father not in picture at all), we have to change schedules all the time. I'll tell him on Monday "We're gonna go to D'man's house this weekend!" and reiterate that all week because he likes to know what's goin in. But then maybe on Friday, D'man will have to drive to Chicago or work on something non-kid friendly or whatever. And so we won't see him.

Twain doesn't dissolve into a puddle of tears, no matter how often this happens. I tell him that we're doing something different and he'll see D'man soon, and he's good.

I'm not getting the "trauma" or "instability" aspect of this. Plans change. All. The. Time.

 

[obxsurf]

Trauma

Frankly, I don't know why it is so upsetting to her. I'm perfectly delighted to never see him. kidding-mostly

Cjane there is a difference in circumstance. Your child knows at some point,probably in the near future, that he will see the significant male influence in his life. K never knows when or if she'll see dad. She questions why he doesn't want to see her etc. Whenever he cancels I do take her out and do something special, I don't let her sit and think those thoughts, but it doesn't change that she feels how she feels.

She's gone so far as to delete him from social networking sites and her cell. Those actions tell me loud and clear that the cancellations hurt her.

 

[Isis1]

Frankly, I don't know why it is so upsetting to her. I'm perfectly delighted to never see him. kidding-mostly

Cjane there is a difference in circumstance. Your child knows at some point,probably in the near future, that he will see the significant male influence in his life. K never knows when or if she'll see dad. She questions why he doesn't want to see her etc. Whenever he cancels I do take her out and do something special, I don't let her sit and think those thoughts, but it doesn't change that she feels how she feels.

She's gone so far as to delete him from social networking sites and her cell. Those actions tell me loud and clear that the cancellations hurt her.

maybe i missed it. is your child in therapy?

 

[CJane]

Frankly, I don't know why it is so upsetting to her. I'm perfectly delighted to never see him. kidding-mostly

Cjane there is a difference in circumstance. Your child knows at some point,probably in the near future, that he will see the significant male influence in his life. K never knows when or if she'll see dad. She questions why he doesn't want to see her etc. Whenever he cancels I do take her out and do something special, I don't let her sit and think those thoughts, but it doesn't change that she feels how she feels.

She's gone so far as to delete him from social networking sites and her cell. Those actions tell me loud and clear that the cancellations hurt her.

Hrm, I got from somewhere that kiddo was MUCH younger.

She's 12-ish? Cuz I have one of those too... (she'll be 13 on Xmas eve! )

Anyway, your daughter needs some coping skills AND maybe you SHOULDN'T be "doing something special" with her when Dad skips out. You're not just "making up" for dad flaking, you're REWARDING her snit.

There's nothing wrong with you saying "Ugh, Dad's not gonna make it this weekend. I know, it sucks, but hey... that's sometimes how it is." and then get on with life.

 

[obxsurf]

Kiddo is almost 12

Dad was in jail until she was in 2nd grade. No consistent visitation since then.

 

[CJane]

Dad was in jail until she was in 2nd grade. No consistent visitation since then.

And you're unlikely going to be able to change the order at this point.

And you can't force him to visit.

So your only real recourse is to help your daughter cope with the perceived stress/trauma/feelings of abandonment/whatever.

 

[obxsurf]

Not currently in therapy

But has been in the past - extensively after he got out of the clink

 

[ProSeDadinMD]

Hrm, I got from somewhere that kiddo was MUCH younger.

She's 12-ish? Cuz I have one of those too... (she'll be 13 on Xmas eve! )

Anyway, your daughter needs some coping skills AND maybe you SHOULDN'T be "doing something special" with her when Dad skips out. You're not just "making up" for dad flaking, you're REWARDING her snit.

There's nothing wrong with you saying "Ugh, Dad's not gonna make it this weekend. I know, it sucks, but hey... that's sometimes how it is." and then get on with life.

+1

Little Miss Pro Se is only 10, and fully understands the concept of "...it sucks, but hey... that's sometimes how it is". That's a "coping mechanism" that she'll need the rest of her life, at different times.

 

[obxsurf]

She gets the whole

"Life sucks sometimes chickadee better get used to it" idea on everything but this.

Guess it's time for me to make an appointment with the counselor.

Thanks to everyone for the sage words of advice. Cjane - happy early bday to your soon to be teen!

 

[ProSeDadinMD]

Question for you obx(I love it there by the way).

Have you suggested to l'il ocracoke that she talk to Dad about her feelings? Don't take sides at all, just encourage her to talk to her father. It could be just the thing to snap Dad into action.

I do that regularly with LMPS when she has an issue with The Ex, although I don't think that she does, because she's afraid of her reaction.

 

[obxsurf]

Yep

I encourage her to talk to dad frequently - about school friends feelings. Does it work? No. He doesn't answer or call back. She seems to be afraid to talk to him in person. (That's only an opinion.)

When she got in trouble this summer and I told her I'd have to talk to dad about it she had a meltdown! "Don't tell him, he'll hate me!" There's daddy issues definitely. Must take her to talk to someone. That is the only thing I can do.

On another note, my aunt lives in Hatteras and is completely cut off from the mainland due to the nasty nor'easter. 800 feet of highway 12 is gone.