Can I refuse the Girlfriend?

[MissLeapy]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Virginia

Before a court order is in place, or anything, do I have the right to refuse my ex's girlfriend from watching our son while he is at work?

I understand if it's possible then I have to have the same regard- which I have never even let my fiancee watch my son while I'm not at home.

I feel that he and his girlfriend are getting abit out of place- he expects me to keep my fiancee at a distance when it concerns our son(I understand that to an extent), but has our son calling his girlfriend "Mommy". I don't know how many times it has been addressed, but nothing has changed.

I feel very strongly that our son shouldn't even be introduced to people we aren't in a serious relationship because he gets attached quickly; unfortunately it happened before I was aware of it. And being that I have proof he has/is currently cheating on her, I would rather my son not be in the middle of it when she finds out. Not to mention with his strong attachment to her I feel that it would hurt him if she suddenly disappeared from his life.

I have no problem with her being around my son- just not watching him by her self when Dad or myself is not around.

 

[haiku]

Without any court order you don't even have to allow dad time. But both parents have presumed custody in Va. without a court order, if the father has signed the paternity affadavit. So he can do the same to you while he has posession of your child together.

Are you going to court to establish custody and visitation?

If you are looking to get primary custody, you want to show the court that you are co-operative to the dads time.

bottom line is when either you or dad have your custody time with your child, it is not the other persons business what you do with the child, or who you choose to have around the child.

you will need to get used to that aspect of shared parenting.

 

[MissLeapy]

We will be going to court for all of that once I file(currently not in the right jurisdiction to do so). I have our son and have for over a year now and have been very generous in allowing Dad time to see Son, or even call/text to check up on him. Neither of us has been to court to establish paternity, though his name is on the birth certificate as well.

I'm currently making the letter to send him certified of all the times he can see Son, but knowing he usually takes Saturday over time at work I would just rather his parents get some time with their grandson. They have been coming straight to me to get permission of taking our son for overnight visits or even just out for the day- I would hate to deny them time when Dad is at work and having Girlfriend watch Son.

I'm trying to prove that I'm being co-operative. I've always been very willing to work around Dad's time, but I'm putting all that into a certified letter that I can show a judge when we do go to court.

 

[haiku]

Well what exactly are you offering dad in a ceritfied letter?

You may want to look into what the commonwealth of Virginia considers their standard vsitation order for a child of your sons age and work from that. Because that will likely be the courts starting point when you go, and a fair way to look at it.

I would really caution you putting ANYTHING in writing before court. What you may see as being fair and equitable a judge may se as controlling, and that is the last way you want to look in court.

As far as Grandma and Grampa go, they have NO legal standing here, you are under no obligation to them. They can see their grandson on their sons time. but that ultimately is their sons, your sons fathers choice.

 

[MissLeapy]

Well what exactly are you offering dad in a ceritfied letter?

You may want to look into what the commonwealth of Virginia considers their standard vsitation order for a child of your sons age and work from that. Because that will likely be the courts starting point when you go, and a fair way to look at it.

I would really caution you putting ANYTHING in writing before court. What you may see as being fair and equitable a judge may se as controlling, and that is the last way you want to look in court.

As far as Grandma and Grampa go, they have NO legal standing here, you are under no obligation to them. They can see their grandson on their sons time. but that ultimately is their sons, your sons fathers choice.

I'm really putting in anytime that is good for Dad's schedule. He works 2pm-midnight everyday, so I'm giving him 9am-2pm(or whenever he goes to work on the given day, if its earlier or later) and every other weekend, as well as weekend that I visit my parents in order to make up for any "lack of missed opportunities". But seeing as how he works overtime (by choice) every saturday he limits his own time- so I'm really giving him every opportunity I can possible see. As well as letting him know of several ways to contact me even if he would just like to check up/talk to Son.

son is 2- will be 3 in March.

As far as no obligation to grandparents, I understand that. They have problems as well as I do getting ahold of Dad when they want time with grandson when he has them(and they live together!), and they have spent about 3 times more time with grandson then Dad has ever tried to do. I'm not trying to keep our son from any of his family, so I don't mind them getting Son every now and then on my time or when Dad doesnt want him.

 

[haiku]

just remember the choice to work overtime is a RESPONSIBLE choice to make. Its not a bad thing.

 

[Ohiogal]

quit making new threads! This is AT LEAST your THIRD thread in the last two days. KNOCK IT OFF. All your information should have been in one thread. NOT three. NOT four. NOT multiple.

 

[haiku]

I thought this all seemed familiar but I couldn't use the search member feature

 

[Ohiogal]

I thought this all seemed familiar but I couldn't use the search member feature

She has AT LEAST three threads going currently. Each has different questions and different information. Because of that, while you are answering her questions -- correctly per this thread -- she may not be receiving proper, completely correct information. I refuse to thread jump. There is no reason for it.

People that make new threads TEND to want to provide info that is relevant in that thread to get the answer they want. When they actually answer all questions and provide ALL information in ONE thread then the answers tend to change or be altered a bit. That is what bothers me about multiple thread posters.

 

[haiku]

She has AT LEAST three threads going currently. Each has different questions and different information. Because of that, while you are answering her questions -- correctly per this thread -- she may not be receiving proper, completely correct information. I refuse to thread jump. There is no reason for it.

People that make new threads TEND to want to provide info that is relevant in that thread to get the answer they want. When they actually answer all questions and provide ALL information in ONE thread then the answers tend to change or be altered a bit. That is what bothers me about multiple thread posters.

not to continue to derail, but I completely agree. Things get lost in the confusion.

 

[MissLeapy]

not to continue to derail, but I completely agree. Things get lost in the confusion.

I'm very sorry for this, I didn't know that it was a big problem. I didn't want any questions being lost in a mound of other questions... The only reason I asked this recent one was because I was trying to get everything written down in one go because I had to get everything printed today so I could send it off 2mmorrow. (Just like I still have unanswered questions in another thread.)

I'm really sorry about all of this. Can I delete the threads, or is there a way I can combine them?

I was very concerned with this being answered as soon as possible because I don't have a printer in my home and had to use the libraries... which closes early today. I didn't want anything in the letters that shouldnt be... Again I'm sorry and it wont happen in the future until all of my previous threads have been closed.


ALSO...

I know that since there is no court order present I have the right to refuse any visitation period to dad when I have him (like wise if he had him now). I'm NOT doing that. I just want to see if this has any grounds...

I've told Dad on multiple occasions(that fits the odd work schedule HE CHOSE- yes, he was given options as to what shift he wanted to work and decided sleeping until noon was more important; several statements from family and co-workers can verify) when Son will be awake so he can see him/get him/talk to him/check up on him.

Like Ive said before Dad's work hours are 2pm-midnight... so Son is only awake from 7:30am-8pm... which gives Dad a window(during the week) of 7:30am-2pm(or whenever he leaves for work). As well as every other weekend as I go up to my parents on "my" weekends. Sometimes I dont and allow Dad even more time to see Son. On the weekends he has been working overtime on Saturdays- I'm not bashing that, just wondering why he chooses ever single weekend to do so.

Yesterday morning at 2am I was contacted by his mother(via facebook- and who I had not heard from in well over a month) said she was trying to get Dad to bring Son to see her. I usually have no problem with that, but since I hadn't heard from Dad AT ALL about wanting son, I had already made plans with Son. I told her so, and said that if she'd like to see Son, I would be more than happy to drive him up sometime during this week. She agreed and I figured it was the and of it.

1pm Sunday I receive a txt from Dad asking if I had talked to his mother because he was "ready" to come get him. I told him I was sorry but I had already made plans since I hadn't heard from him in almost a month about getting him/seeing him/checking up on him. He was angry and wanted me to cancel my entire day because it was his "only" chance to see him.

I reminded him of all the chances he could see him and informed him I could even give him my weekend(next week) if he could find someone to watch Son on Friday and Monday(as I leave Friday at 2pm- Monday 4pm). He accused me of Keeping Son from him.

This has been the only time I have refused Dad time EVER. I have always had to change my plans at the last minute with Son- even if it's my weekend. Also informed him of the last time he expressed interest in getting Son, we set out a time and he never showed. That was MY Thanksgiving(as he was getting Xmas), I had re arranged my entire Holiday just so he could get him, and he never showed.

The only thing I've asked is he give me a heads up on when he's actually going to get him. I know he doesn't HAVE to; but it's out of courtesy. I could be at the store when he wants him and he would accuse me of keeping him... so to avoid me being somewhere, I asked for a simple heads up the day before... Not even a time he wants him, just that he wants him. I'm not asking for a long hour convo, hell it could even be a txt the day before while at work(b/c he bought a phone specifically for work so he COULD txt) if he knew he'd be able to get him. I told him all of this and he said I was being unreasonable.

Is that REALLY to much to ask? I mean I know he doesnt HAVE to, but then again I dont HAVE to let Son go at all. I'm just wondering if I should have the messages printed out (as our convo was through txts) to show a judge again that I've informed him of when he could see him and the simple request I asked that was "unreasonable". Also as his admittance to not being able to spare 5 seconds in almost a month to see how Son is doing.

I'm not bashing Dad and I know Ive gotta cooperate for years to come, but Dad is making me out to look like the bad guy when I'm giving him every opportunity with Son that is physically possible.

 

[haiku]

Frankly YOU are making this more work than it has to be.

Get yourself a court date for custody and visitation. Work out a schedule on paper that can be agreed upon and signed by a judge.

I do want to point out that without a current holiday schedule, neither one of you have a holiday-the person who as the kid at the time does.

And enough about his schedule, if you like your child support you should like the fact he goes ot work, even on saturday. Do you work?......

Again, you need to set up legal custody-has dad signed paternity paperwork? because if that is the case you both have presumed custody until court.

Sit down and work out a parenting visitation plan you believe will work-google Virginia parenting plans to see if Virginia has a basic plan to work from already.

GO TO COURT and get set visitation.

 

[MissLeapy]

Frankly YOU are making this more work than it has to be.

Get yourself a court date for custody and visitation. Work out a schedule on paper that can be agreed upon and signed by a judge.

I do want to point out that without a current holiday schedule, neither one of you have a holiday-the person who as the kid at the time does.

And enough about his schedule, if you like your child support you should like the fact he goes ot work, even on saturday. Do you work?......

Again, you need to set up legal custody-has dad signed paternity paperwork? because if that is the case you both have presumed custody until court.

Sit down and work out a parenting visitation plan you believe will work-google Virginia parenting plans to see if Virginia has a basic plan to work from already.

GO TO COURT and get set visitation.

I dont understand how I'm making it more work- I'm being as cooperative to Dad as I possible can be. Trying to make it easy for him to see his son. But in that same aspect I dont think I should have to change plans everytime... I have already looked up the VA visitation plans and been following them to a T, all except the overnight during the week, b/c Dad has even stated it is impossible with his work.

I will be filing for everything on the 14th- it is the closest date I can get there as Jurisdiction is 4 hours away. To clarify. I have been staying with my fiancee, b/c he will be deployed shortly(it has been closer to Dad as well). It could be considered a move even though I go back home religiously ever other week and my legal address is still up there. But with this as a possible move (even though once fiancee is deployed I will be returning, as the lease on our apartment is up, and with his possible home port change it wasnt smart to renew it for 4 more months), we havent been here for 6 months for the city to have jurisdiction. So I have to file when I go back home this weekend.

Confusing, yes. I wouldnt have come visiting if I knew it could be considered a "move" and mess up like this.

As for Holidays, I've been following the guidelines for the state and giving every other one like I'm supposed to be doing.

For the record I dont receive Child Support at all. He has threatened on multiple occasions that if I ever did file he would no longer be civil with me and take me to court for full custody instead of the joint we had agreed to go with. He has bragged about the amount of money he makes and how its "helping" Son, but Son doesnt see any of it... I'm well aware that I should have filed anyway, but I was very worried about his threats- I still dont know alot of legal things so I thought he would easily win.

I am a stay at home mother for the record and taking classes while I'm in my last couple months of pregnancy so when I am ready to go back to work I can have a good job.

Like I stated Im NOT bashing him working! Ive done nothing but work around his time!

Nothing has been signed, the only thing that would say Dad has paternity would be the birth certificate? I havent even gone to establish paternity (as I was told on this site I have to do regardless)