Seeking Advice on Custody When No One Is Married

[sweetheart_sec]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Mississippi

Hi. I am a single mother of one little girl, who will be 5 in two months. It has been just the two of us since day one. Her father and I were involved for almost a decade. He left 2 months before she was born. Honestly, I was happy because he was very physically and emotionally abusive. My daughter's father hasn't really been there for her. He is court ordered to pay child support, but he won't keep a job longer than half a year. When he did come to "get" our daughter, he would keep her for days up to a week at a time (before she was even 5 months old). He would call me (from a blocked number) and say, "I'm never bringing her back." Which would only get me upset. He would not tell me where he lives, nor where he worked. I was not allowed to know anything. I would call the police and they would tell me that because there isn't a custody agreement, there wasn't anything they could do- because his name is on the birth certificate.

Finally I became fed up with his ways and I stopped letting him take her. Though, he was still allowed to see her... Just couldn't leave with her. Because I was not allowed an address or a phone number. At first he didn't like it, so I suggested going to court over it. He completely refused. So that is how it's always been for almost 3 1/2 years now. For the past 2 years, my daughter's father, hasn't been in the picture hardly at all. He only asks to see her now on holidays, Thanksgiving or Christmas. He has never been to a birthday party and doesn't even know our daughter's eye color. When he has been around, he's mean. He spanked her so badly last year (because she didn't make it to the bathroom), that I asked him to leave, or I was calling the police. That was the last time I saw him... same for our daughter.

Recently, he has made a few statements, stating that he was going to prove me an unfit parent- because I am not ever at home (Side note: I work fulltime and am a fulltime college student) or he has made remarks saying that he wants split custody. I am not too comfortable with this, because I still don't have an address nor a working phone number. It upsets me, because he has never gone to a doctor's appointment (knew about them all), dentist appointment (knew about those as well) nor does he even know who his daughter is. Plus he rolates women with the days of the week. I do not feel as if that is the best enviornment for a little girl.

But this is just my opinion. A judge, could see it differently.

Should I be worried over his threats or not?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[ecmst12]

If you get court papers, then worry. Until a judge says otherwise, you have sole custody (regardless of his name on the birth certificate, an unmarried mother automatically has sole custody until a court rules otherwise). If you DO get court papers, you should get a lawyer. If he asks, he will probably get a court-ordered visitation schedule, but you will have his contact information from the court papers and you can ask that he be ordered to maintain open communication with you (make sure you have a working phone number and/or email address for him) and keep his address on file with the courts.

But it doesn't sound like he has any intention of going near a courtroom, so there's no need to worry until he proves otherwise.

 

[Antigone*]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Mississippi

Hi. I am a single mother of one little girl, who will be 5 in two months. It has been just the two of us since day one. Her father and I were involved for almost a decade. He left 2 months before she was born. Honestly, I was happy because he was very physically and emotionally abusive. My daughter's father hasn't really been there for her. He is court ordered to pay child support, but he won't keep a job longer than half a year. When he did come to "get" our daughter, he would keep her for days up to a week at a time (before she was even 5 months old). He would call me (from a blocked number) and say, "I'm never bringing her back." Which would only get me upset. He would not tell me where he lives, nor where he worked. I was not allowed to know anything. I would call the police and they would tell me that because there isn't a custody agreement, there wasn't anything they could do- because his name is on the birth certificate.

Finally I became fed up with his ways and I stopped letting him take her. Though, he was still allowed to see her... Just couldn't leave with her. Because I was not allowed an address or a phone number. At first he didn't like it, so I suggested going to court over it. He completely refused. So that is how it's always been for almost 3 1/2 years now. For the past 2 years, my daughter's father, hasn't been in the picture hardly at all. He only asks to see her now on holidays, Thanksgiving or Christmas. He has never been to a birthday party and doesn't even know our daughter's eye color. When he has been around, he's mean. He spanked her so badly last year (because she didn't make it to the bathroom), that I asked him to leave, or I was calling the police. That was the last time I saw him... same for our daughter.

Recently, he has made a few statements, stating that he was going to prove me an unfit parent- because I am not ever at home (Side note: I work fulltime and am a fulltime college student) or he has made remarks saying that he wants split custody. I am not too comfortable with this, because I still don't have an address nor a working phone number. It upsets me, because he has never gone to a doctor's appointment (knew about them all), dentist appointment (knew about those as well) nor does he even know who his daughter is. Plus he rolates women with the days of the week. I do not feel as if that is the best enviornment for a little girl.

But this is just my opinion. A judge, could see it differently.

Should I be worried over his threats or not?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

I am sorry but your story is so all over the place and inconsistent, it is unreal.

You don't have an address or phone number yet he knows about all her doctor's appointments

He has kept her for days yet he does not know the color of her eyes

He spanked her so badly and yet you didn't call the police

...Should I continue. Your story sounds too trollish for me. KDAR!!!

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Mississippi

Hi. I am a single mother of one little girl, who will be 5 in two months. It has been just the two of us since day one.

Not true. Dad has been around.

Her father and I were involved for almost a decade. He left 2 months before she was born. Honestly, I was happy because he was very physically and emotionally abusive. My daughter's father hasn't really been there for her. He is court ordered to pay child support, but he won't keep a job longer than half a year.

Okay. So file contempt if he is behind on child support.

When he did come to "get" our daughter, he would keep her for days up to a week at a time (before she was even 5 months old). He would call me (from a blocked number) and say, "I'm never bringing her back." Which would only get me upset. He would not tell me where he lives, nor where he worked. I was not allowed to know anything. I would call the police and they would tell me that because there isn't a custody agreement, there wasn't anything they could do- because his name is on the birth certificate.

The police cannot enforce a CIVIL court order anyway. And the fact that you would let her go after he kept her ONCE without you having an address or phone number is ridiculous. And if the police could do something, how would you expect them to find him IF you didn't have an address or phone number? Your judgment quite frankly is extremely poor.

Finally I became fed up with his ways and I stopped letting him take her. Though, he was still allowed to see her... Just couldn't leave with her. Because I was not allowed an address or a phone number. At first he didn't like it, so I suggested going to court over it. He completely refused.

Quite frankly you didn't need his approval or consent to go to court.

So that is how it's always been for almost 3 1/2 years now. [/QUOTE
Yet your child is five.

For the past 2 years, my daughter's father, hasn't been in the picture hardly at all. He only asks to see her now on holidays, Thanksgiving or Christmas. He has never been to a birthday party and doesn't even know our daughter's eye color. When he has been around, he's mean. He spanked her so badly last year (because she didn't make it to the bathroom), that I asked him to leave, or I was calling the police. That was the last time I saw him... same for our daughter.

He abused your child and you did nothing about it to protect your child? That is disgraceful. On your part. If he spanked her so badly, your child should have IMMEDIATELY been taken to the ER AND the police should have been called and reports made.

Recently, he has made a few statements, stating that he was going to prove me an unfit parent- because I am not ever at home (Side note: I work fulltime and am a fulltime college student) or he has made remarks saying that he wants split custody. I am not too comfortable with this, because I still don't have an address nor a working phone number. It upsets me, because he has never gone to a doctor's appointment (knew about them all), dentist appointment (knew about those as well) nor does he even know who his daughter is. Plus he rolates women with the days of the week. I do not feel as if that is the best enviornment for a little girl.

If you have not heard from him, have no phone number for him or address, how did he know about the doctors' appointments -- did you post it on a billboard or skywrite it? How do you know that he rotates women with the days of the week? Are you stalking him? Or are you believing rumors and gossip? When do you see your child?

But this is just my opinion. A judge, could see it differently.

Yes a judge could because you have credibility issues.

Should I be worried over his threats or not?

I didn't see a threat mentioned other than he may want to go to court to get enforceable rights. He is entitled to that -- it is NOT a threat.

 

[LdiJ]

If you get court papers, then worry. Until a judge says otherwise, you have sole custody (regardless of his name on the birth certificate, an unmarried mother automatically has sole custody until a court rules otherwise). If you DO get court papers, you should get a lawyer. If he asks, he will probably get a court-ordered visitation schedule, but you will have his contact information from the court papers and you can ask that he be ordered to maintain open communication with you (make sure you have a working phone number and/or email address for him) and keep his address on file with the courts.

But it doesn't sound like he has any intention of going near a courtroom, so there's no need to worry until he proves otherwise.

In case you are not Kelly, and/or in case you just do a bad job of explaining yourself, this is really very good advice.

 

[goddessoflubboc]

When you got the court to order the child support did they not include the visitation order as well? It's customary to do them together even though one has nothing to do with the other (ie deadbeat parent is still entitled to visitation).

Why would you allow a man you know to be abusive take a little girl who has no idea who he is out of your sight for one minute?

PS to ecm - a single mother does not have automatic sole custody. If the father takes off with the kid and there is no order, he has just as much right to that child as the mother.

 

[divona2000]

...regardless of his name on the birth certificate, an unmarried mother automatically has sole custody until a court rules otherwise...

...PS to ecm - a single mother does not have automatic sole custody. If the father takes off with the kid and there is no order, he has just as much right to that child as the mother.

 

[LdiJ]

When you got the court to order the child support did they not include the visitation order as well? It's customary to do them together even though one has nothing to do with the other (ie deadbeat parent is still entitled to visitation).

Why would you allow a man you know to be abusive take a little girl who has no idea who he is out of your sight for one minute?

PS to ecm - a single mother does not have automatic sole custody. If the father takes off with the kid and there is no order, he has just as much right to that child as the mother.

And you know that this is true in Mississippi how?

 

[sweetheart_sec]

I am sorry but your story is so all over the place and inconsistent, it is unreal.

You don't have an address or phone number yet he knows about all her doctor's appointments

He has kept her for days yet he does not know the color of her eyes

He spanked her so badly and yet you didn't call the police

...Should I continue. Your story sounds too trollish for me. KDAR!!!

I would leave messages with his mom, to insure that he could never say that I didn't try to meet him halfway.

She was born with blue eyes... He will tell anyone that they are brown, because he has brown eyes, and I have hazel.

He spanked her- did not beat her... Just for the wrong reasons... that's all I was saying. I did go to the police about it, but they said that it sounded more like a civil issue, than anything else. That I should file with the courts.

 

[Proserpina]

I would leave messages with his mom, to insure that he could never say that I didn't try to meet him halfway.

She was born with blue eyes... He will tell anyone that they are brown, because he has brown eyes, and I have hazel.

He spanked her- did not beat her... Just for the wrong reasons... that's all I was saying. I did go to the police about it, but they said that it sounded more like a civil issue, than anything else. That I should file with the courts.

Are you saying that you told the police he had spanked her so very badly and they refused to take a report?

 

[stealth2]

She was born with blue eyes...

The majority of caucasian kids are. The question is - what color are they NOW?

 

[Silverplum]

All of your problems could so easily be solved with a court order spelling out parenting time and responsibilities. Go get one.

 

[sweetheart_sec]

Not true. Dad has been around.

No, he pops in and out... when he feels like it.

Okay. So file contempt if he is behind on child support.

He doesn't owe more than a few hundred dollars, they say that's not enough to file over.



The police cannot enforce a CIVIL court order anyway. And the fact that you would let her go after he kept her ONCE without you having an address or phone number is ridiculous. And if the police could do something, how would you expect them to find him IF you didn't have an address or phone number? Your judgment quite frankly is extremely poor.

He would give me fake phone numbers, to "shut me up." I wised up after my daughter turned a year. I didn't want to be the type of mother who would keep their child from their father, due to my own personal opinion.


Quite frankly you didn't need his approval or consent to go to court.

So that is how it's always been for almost 3 1/2 years now. [/QUOTE
Yet your child is five.

For the first year, he was there.... then his other daughter was born... she is 10 months younger than my daughter. Once daughter number 2 arrived, he slowly stopped calling and coming by.


He abused your child and you did nothing about it to protect your child? That is disgraceful. On your part. If he spanked her so badly, your child should have IMMEDIATELY been taken to the ER AND the police should have been called and reports made.

I probably should have been more clear, he spanked her for the wrong reasons... wasn't bad enough to seek medical attention.


If you have not heard from him, have no phone number for him or address, how did he know about the doctors' appointments -- did you post it on a billboard or skywrite it? How do you know that he rotates women with the days of the week? Are you stalking him? Or are you believing rumors and gossip? When do you see your child?

I call his mother or send a text message to his cousin. He will call me (from a blocked number), telling me that he did get the message. And then he'll say a few more words, regarding why we can't have another child... and then he'll hang up before I say anything too negative towards him. My ex, is quite frankly known for his love of women. He brags about it, to anyone. Towards the end of our relationship, I found out that he was dating 8 other women... where he had the time, I do not know... But it explained why he never had any money for the bills or food. He has always been this way.

Last year I believe that it all got to him, because he tried to jump off a bridge. Honestly, I think that he did it for attention- because he called 911, before he left his mother's house- and told them what bridge he was walking to. When the police arrived- he ran.

I see my daughter, when I am not at work or school. It's not easy working and going to school. I do it all for her.

Yes a judge could because you have credibility issues.

How?

I didn't see a threat mentioned other than he may want to go to court to get enforceable rights. He is entitled to that -- it is NOT a threat.

The threat of "taking custody"? How is that not a threat?

 

[sweetheart_sec]

When you got the court to order the child support did they not include the visitation order as well? It's customary to do them together even though one has nothing to do with the other (ie deadbeat parent is still entitled to visitation).

In this state, no. I thought that they would, but they said that DHS doesn't handle visitation. And when I suggest for us to go before the courts to set his up something... he gets upset and says that we don't need anything on paper.

Why would you allow a man you know to be abusive take a little girl who has no idea who he is out of your sight for one minute?

I was worried that I would become one of those parents, who kept their child from their father due to their own opinion. I didn't believe at first that he would treat her any less than how a father should. Now, with him having on record a mental issue about his life (tried to jump off a bridge), he is only allowed to see her, at a public place or my mother's (so said by me).

PS to ecm - a single mother does not have automatic sole custody. If the father takes off with the kid and there is no order, he has just as much right to that child as the mother.

Exactly my point.

 

[stepmom4ever]

Not true. Dad has been around.

No, he pops in and out... when he feels like it.

Okay. So file contempt if he is behind on child support.

He doesn't owe more than a few hundred dollars, they say that's not enough to file over.



The police cannot enforce a CIVIL court order anyway. And the fact that you would let her go after he kept her ONCE without you having an address or phone number is ridiculous. And if the police could do something, how would you expect them to find him IF you didn't have an address or phone number? Your judgment quite frankly is extremely poor.

He would give me fake phone numbers, to "shut me up." I wised up after my daughter turned a year. I didn't want to be the type of mother who would keep their child from their father, due to my own personal opinion.


Quite frankly you didn't need his approval or consent to go to court.



The threat of "taking custody"? How is that not a threat?

Girl,
go get a court order!! That way no one will have problems