help!!! 17 year old

[lovemygirls2]

She hasn't skipped, she just finds ways out of class where the school knows where she is, but she isn't really where she needs to be. Right now she is in an alternative program that isn't AEP, she is on campus, but out of her regular classes and more closely monitored. The problem is that when she is at school, but not in class (except for this program), she is counted absent for that class. It hasn't been enough to get her in trouble, but it has been enough to really mess up her schedule and grades.

The teachers and administrators have been working hard with me to try to get her back on track, which is just another reason I worry about her leaving home early and not getting the extra help she needs to get caught up.

 

[TheGeekess]

Sounds like it's past time for a little tough love.

First step: The "Garden of Eden". Remove everything from the bedroom, except mattress, bedclothes. Computers, TVs, everything out. Even clothing. Child can wear what parent picks out. Child can earn privileges back by obeying the rules. (You can search this forum for "Garden of Eden"; there have been several excellent posts on this behavioural mod technique.)

You can also inform Princess that you will be attending school with her to make sure she is attending class until she shows that she can attend class on her own and turn in the course work.

You have to be consistent or she will continue to walk all over you.

 

[lovemygirls2]

I have done this. Everything except attend class with her. I am the only one earning a living (I have never re-married or even come close because I put my kids first and dating was soooooo not on my radar as something I had the time, patience or energy to deal with ) and have to keep a roof over our heads as well. I am also taking care of/supporting my mother who is disabled.

The next best thing was the restrictive environment she is in at school at this time. There is nothing left to take away from this child and she flat out doesn't care. She has decided she will deal with it and just leave when she turns 17. I had bought a car that I was going to have her and her sister share and drive and have now completely taken away her driving privileges and reminded her that if she wants a car after she leaves home she is out of luck if she hasn't stayed until high school graduation and actually graduated. No changes. I don't get it.

 

[SoSadSoMad]

I am new, but thought I'd share a bit of advice. I have a son that sounds like your daughter. He's almost a full year ahead of your daughter (he'll be 18 in March).

We've been down a very long road. When I believe their are improvements, it has been temporary. Much appreciated, but temporary. I am certain I may never know the 'root' of all this, and have had to accept it as it is.

My son has been on mood stabilizing meds for several years. I do not see them making any difference and we've tried a variety of meds. and dosages. He's seen a variety of therapists and has been in-patent four times.

What I can share with you is that taking care of you and deploying some level of detachment is what has kept me sane (as sane as one can be at this point). While I fret every day, and don't understand why he's so unwilling to step up and participate in his life, I am aware that I've done all that I know to point him in the right direction.

He's now going to have to deal with 'it' - life on life's terms. We've had state involvement, county counseling, and all kinds of support from our state/county agencies. In our case, it's not made a difference. However, the programs are good and those who work with troubled youth are often very dedicated to making a difference.

Good Luck and know ---- you are not alone!

 

[lovemygirls2]

Thank you. I actually needed a little bit of a kind word this morning... Things have gotten worse.

After spending time with her father he has gotten her in a situation that could have serious and severe legal consequences for her and her future. Right now she is scared and grateful to have me as her mother, but I'm sure that will only last until this problem is resolved.

I have called in a report to a government agency regarding some serious criminal activity that her father is involved in (just found out about it last night) and nearly got her into, without her really understanding what was going on.

I know my grammar leaves much to be desired this morning. (I just read what I wrote and almost confused myself). Sorry.

 

[FinnSW]

There are residential treatment centers that will take teens up until 18. A friend of mine (who happens to be an attorney) had her 17 year old daugther whisked away to Copper Canyon in Arizona until she turned 18.

Another thought is that (and I don't know if this is off base) but my sister's then 15 year old threatened her with similiar stuff. So they sat down and figured out how much he would have to earn to get his own apartment. He ended up backing off when they called his bluff.

She is finding a way to jerk your chain and try to assert some power over you. I liked the post about detaching recently put on here. It sounds like her father has been showing her alternative values and lifestyles that are going to bite him in the behind. Well she has some choices to make.

If the treatment center is too pricey, the thoughts that come to my mind is to call her on it, and let her know if she wants to leave, why wait until 17? Why not now and see if foster care can be arranged for her? I remember when my daughter was young and wanted to run away. I offered to help her pack her suitcase and she got mad but dropped the tactic.

Good luck.

 

[lovemygirls2]

. It sounds like her father has been showing her alternative values and lifestyles that are going to bite him in the behind. Well she has some choices to make.

Good luck.

I wish it was HIS behind that is going to be bitten by showing her "alternative values and lifestyles". Unfortunately, he doesn't really care what happens as long as his behind isn't in the sling. (Of course if I have anything to say about it he IS going to pay for this one himself). He was trying to win her over to use her, not because he cares about her, which is obvious to those of us who know what has happened. Even in his 40s he is still a kid who thinks he can get by with anything.

 

[lovemygirls2]

I have reported Dad's illegal activity. It is very serious and Dad got daughter involved. She didn't know what was actually going on, but nevertheless she is very hurt and freaked out right now. I was just contacted back by an agent who wants to meet with her and myself to get more information for his investigation.

I think that Dad may have been someone that they were looking for in connection with this activity without knowing yet who it was. I am worried that daughter is going to freak out even more than she already is when I tell her she is going to have to talk to someone about it. She is already feeling guilty about her dad getting into trouble because of something we had to report.

I know this is a legal site. Sorry. Just wondering how to bring up that she is going to have to talk to the agent.

 

[CJane]

I know this is a legal site. Sorry. Just wondering how to bring up that she is going to have to talk to the agent.

Wow, that sucks.

I'd simply explain it to her in a grown-up manner. "Honey, we need to go discuss the issue with an investigator. More people might need to talk to you as well. Be strong, and remember I'll be there with you."

 

[lovemygirls2]

Thank you CJane. I told her last night and after the initial upset she is taking it ok. She is going to take a long time and lots more therapy to get over the guilt she is feeling now. She knows in her head that she has done/is doing the right thing by telling what she knows, but she feels like she is sending her dad to jail. I don't know what will end up happening, but he has enough of a record from the last few years to make him have more problems than if he had a clean record to start out with. Anyway, thanks again.

 

[SoSadSoMad]

Well - our lives here have turned 'upside down again' too.

lovemygirls2 - I don't know if this will help or not, but I've always talked to my boys about 'guilt by association'. I think it stands alone in context, but to help them understand, I share about one child/teen choosing to shoplift in a mall.

We all know that any security person or employee who sees the group, and then sees one stick an item in pocket will ASSUME all are doing it. I've also shared that I once got a ticket (many moons ago) as a passenger in a car for possession of non-intoxicating liquor. I was not driving, I was not drinking, I was just sitting/riding along. That was not fun to try and explain to my parents when I'd had my license only 2 weeks.

I am sorry your daughter got wrapped up in the activities of your ex. Whether she fully understands it or not, it's so much better for this to come out 'now' and as is vs. later with her implicated, or close enough to 18 and being charged as an accomplice.

Hugs to you and hope for peaceful days!

 

[lovemygirls2]

Update... Kind of

My daughter did leave home. I have had to detach somewhat but now she is pregnant. I am hurting for her and being there for her as much as I can, but I am completely blown away by this. She was raised better than this, even with her father being who he is. I raised her. She knows better. I just don't get it.

Also, my daughters' father has been arrested and is looking at a lengthy prison term. With his record and the fact that he was on probation already, he doesn't have much of a chance of slipping out of this one as it is very serious and carries federal charges.

There was a report of his arrest and charges in our local paper. Not a whole lot of people actually read this (small) paper (and he wasn't even arrested in our town, but the investigation started there because of our report). I really hate that someone that the girls know may read it. We have an unusual last name, so it would be obvious that they are related to him.

It's just so crazy. There were five agencies involved in the investigation and arrest. The dang Texas Rangers served the search warrant on his home and conducted the search and seized his computers and stuff... I have never in my life known anyone as ignorant as he is, with doing the types of things he was doing and really expecting to get away with it...

Anyway, I am still just trying to make it all work. Thank you guys for your responses when I posted this problem before.

 

[GotSmart]

We could talk for days about this. I raised 3 girls myself after their mother went on "vacation" in 2002.

Just realize that what your child does is not your fault. You communicated with them, and they made the choices.

If you want a mans viewpoint on raising daughters that grow up, you can PM me. My youngest is now 18, and living on her own. 3 months left to go until graduation. She will graduate with honors, and scholarships.

Just continue to show them a parents love, and as the parent, you have the right to be honest.


John