How To Get Respct & Child Safety

[lisawithalamp]

WHAT IS THE STATE? OREGON

I left a 9 year abusive relationship and now that visitation is in effect he makes me crazy with it. I have a restraining order and he uses this to control me. I am hoping that there are some things I can do to stop the treatment and ensure my children's safety. My children are 3 and 4 years old. The restraining order allowes any communication regarding visitation through text and email. The restraining order requires that a 2nd party is there at the pick up and drop off of the visitation times. The 2nd party person is to be provided by him and approved by me. We both meet at a visitation point that involves a long commute wich works fine for both of us but makes scheduling very important.

1. He refuises to tell me where the kids are, have been, or who provides child care for them.
2. When the children are injured, have medication given, or show emotional issues etc. he refuises to respond to any inquiries or notify me.
3. He will not respond to any changes made to the visitation schedule or give adequate notice of intension of taking visitation. This varies but in general I have no idea if and when visitation will occur. Most the time he gives me about 1 days notice even on holidays!

In issue #1 I have decided to wait at the visitation drop off point in my vehicle until he answers the questions I have. I doubt this will work for long but it has one time. I am prepared to wait until over night if nessisary. If he decides to leave will that be considered me denying parenting time?

In issue #2 I plan to report this as neglect. This is a potential health issue for my children as it could cause double doses of medication, lack of medical care, etc. Is this advisable? Our parenting plan says that he must notify me but it is not very specific. I doubt the courts would want to hear a case about me being angry that my son recieved asprin without my knowlege. Still it does pose a health problem. I need this information to be a responsible parent.

Issue #3 I want to know at what point the court would understand I need notice for visitation meetings. I cannot plan my entire life out for a "potential" event to "potentially" occur and a time peroid that is not sure. I have work, hobbies, events. If he fails to notify me I cannot make appointments for the entire span of visitation until the day before or hour before the drop off point. It literally causes me to live around his whim. My feeling is if he dosen't want visitation then maybe he should just give it up. I think he should be responsible to show desire for the visitation. The problem is he DOES want it. He just wants to hurt me any way possible and with the restraining order this is the only way he can do it. I am thinking that if he has not given adequate notice when I request it and I have a sincere obligation like school, work, vacation, church events that I can deny visitation. Is this true?

FINAL THOUGHTS: I believe he wants me to drop the restraining order and that is why he is doing these things. If I can convince the court that this is the case could I ask for a paid 2nd party? A paid 2nd party would require notice. This would get me out of the conflict zone. Also could I ask the court to do supervised monthly parenting mediations to force him to communicate my children's wellfare. I do not trust him because he takes them to his sexually/emotionally/physically abusive parent's home and possibly uses them as child care against my wishes. I plan to set a mediation appointment but I do not believe that he has to legally attend and even if he does I know for a fact that he has no intension of cooperating for the sake of the children. Do I have any rights or channel of command to follow to get some?

I appreciate any advise you may have!
Thank YouWhat is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[LdiJ]

Do you have an actual court ordered visitation schedule? If so, why does he have to notify you of anything? Please clarify that point because its important to any answers that you receive.

 

[lisawithalamp]

We do have a court ordered visitation schedule but we live about 2 hours away from eachother so schedule variances occur frequently. Also the divorce just occured and my life has completly changed and is in the process of changing as are my children's. My schedule is changing constantly due to work and school. They're schedule changes because of school, childcare, and bus schedules. Sometimes I have to email him because we need to meet one hour later or earlier due to a work shift etc. Also Christmas is coming and it is a big event for me. I requested he notify me of any care providers he chooses or trips planned so that they can be reached for emergency situations, the time and location of the drop off etc. Regardless of the circumstance he makes sure to keep me in the dark on his plans or intensions. What is mostly unnerving is he will not communicate about the children's life or walefare. I would love to allow him more time and opportunities to be involved with them but I cannot extend myself since he is unwilling to treat me respectfully. The children love him and want him in their life.

 

[Ohiogal]

We do have a court ordered visitation schedule but we live about 2 hours away from eachother so schedule variances occur frequently. Also the divorce just occured and my life has completly changed and is in the process of changing as are my children's. My schedule is changing constantly due to work and school. They're schedule changes because of school, childcare, and bus schedules. Sometimes I have to email him because we need to meet one hour later or earlier due to a work shift etc.

You don't get it, there is a COURT ORDER. You do not get to unilaterally decide you are not meeting according to the court order and change it. If you can't drive the children, you get someone who can if you required to meet him at a specific time and place. He doesn't have to agree to your variances. Not at all.

Also Christmas is coming and it is a big event for me. I requested he notify me of any care providers he chooses or trips planned so that they can be reached for emergency situations, the time and location of the drop off etc.

He doesn't have to inform you of any of that unless the court order states he does. What does the court order state regarding drop offs and pick ups and transportation and times of visits?

Regardless of the circumstance he makes sure to keep me in the dark on his plans or intensions. What is mostly unnerving is he will not communicate about the children's life or walefare.

He doesn't have to tell you every little detail. He doesn't have to let you know how he is spending HIS TIME with HIS children.

I would love to allow him more time and opportunities to be involved with them but I cannot extend myself since he is unwilling to treat me respectfully.

What it sounds like is that you don't want to give him more time because you can't control what he does now. And therefore unless he clears EVERY DETAIL WITH YOU and agrees to ALL OF YOUR VARIANCES, he is not being respectful. That is NOT reality.

The children love him and want him in their life.

As they should.

 

[LdiJ]

We do have a court ordered visitation schedule but we live about 2 hours away from eachother so schedule variances occur frequently. Also the divorce just occured and my life has completly changed and is in the process of changing as are my children's. My schedule is changing constantly due to work and school. They're schedule changes because of school, childcare, and bus schedules. Sometimes I have to email him because we need to meet one hour later or earlier due to a work shift etc. Also Christmas is coming and it is a big event for me. I requested he notify me of any care providers he chooses or trips planned so that they can be reached for emergency situations, the time and location of the drop off etc. Regardless of the circumstance he makes sure to keep me in the dark on his plans or intensions. What is mostly unnerving is he will not communicate about the children's life or walefare. I would love to allow him more time and opportunities to be involved with them but I cannot extend myself since he is unwilling to treat me respectfully. The children love him and want him in their life.

You didn't really answer my questions.

Schedule variances should NOT be occurring at all unless the two of you agree to that, in advance. Nor should exchange locations vary unless the two of you agree to that, in advance.

You are obligated to have the children present at the time and location that you are ordered to have the children present.

He is not obligated to tell you what he does with the children on his time unless the court orders state that he is obligated to provide you with that information.

I am very concerned that you are not allowing the children out of your car at the exchange point unless he gives you the information you require. That could end up being problematic for you. I also have some concerns if the variances are due to you. You could end up in contempt of court.

 

[Ohiogal]

1. He refuises to tell me where the kids are, have been, or who provides child care for them.

He doesn't have to give you that information. You know where he lives, correct?

2. When the children are injured, have medication given, or show emotional issues etc. he refuises to respond to any inquiries or notify me.

What type of injuries? What type of medication?

3. He will not respond to any changes made to the visitation schedule or give adequate notice of intension of taking visitation. This varies but in general I have no idea if and when visitation will occur. Most the time he gives me about 1 days notice even on holidays!

You abide by the court order.

In issue #1 I have decided to wait at the visitation drop off point in my vehicle until he answers the questions I have. I doubt this will work for long but it has one time. I am prepared to wait until over night if nessisary. If he decides to leave will that be considered me denying parenting time?

Yes it would. HOW DARE YOU.

In issue #2 I plan to report this as neglect. This is a potential health issue for my children as it could cause double doses of medication, lack of medical care, etc. Is this advisable?

Only if you want to be perceived as being a jerk.

Our parenting plan says that he must notify me but it is not very specific. I doubt the courts would want to hear a case about me being angry that my son recieved asprin without my knowlege. Still it does pose a health problem. I need this information to be a responsible parent.

You do NOT need to know if your child received cough syrup ONCE on a weekend unless it interferes with your dosing the child. You do not need to be informed every time the child get a bandaid. You don't.

Issue #3 I want to know at what point the court would understand I need notice for visitation meetings. I cannot plan my entire life out for a "potential" event to "potentially" occur and a time peroid that is not sure. I have work, hobbies, events. If he fails to notify me I cannot make appointments for the entire span of visitation until the day before or hour before the drop off point. It literally causes me to live around his whim.

You have a COURT ORDER. That is what gets followed.

My feeling is if he dosen't want visitation then maybe he should just give it up.

Maybe YOU should just give him custody.

I think he should be responsible to show desire for the visitation. The problem is he DOES want it. He just wants to hurt me any way possible and with the restraining order this is the only way he can do it. I am thinking that if he has not given adequate notice when I request it and I have a sincere obligation like school, work, vacation, church events that I can deny visitation. Is this true?

NO. It is not true. You can be found in contempt and your attitude can cause you to become the visitor in your children's life.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I believe he wants me to drop the restraining order and that is why he is doing these things. If I can convince the court that this is the case could I ask for a paid 2nd party? A paid 2nd party would require notice.

Are you going to pay for the 2nd party? Are you going to make sure that the court ordered times are followed weekly with NO VARIATION on your part?

This would get me out of the conflict zone.

YOu are the one causing conflict based on your other post.

Also could I ask the court to do supervised monthly parenting mediations to force him to communicate my children's wellfare. I do not trust him because he takes them to his sexually/emotionally/physically abusive parent's home and possibly uses them as child care against my wishes.

What proof do you have that his parents are abusive in any way? YOU do NOT get to dictate who he takes the children around.

I plan to set a mediation appointment but I do not believe that he has to legally attend and even if he does I know for a fact that he has no intension of cooperating for the sake of the children. Do I have any rights or channel of command to follow to get some?

Go back to court. Be prepared to pay for the mediation you want.

 

[lisawithalamp]

The small variances in my understanding are allowed. Like most parenting plans we have a clause that allows for variances. Since he has to provide a 2nd party at our meeting point that has caused delay or scheduling around the 2nd party's schedule in the past. He is quite often late to parenting meetings due to traffic and 2nd party delays. When I say late I mean one or two hours. In the past but not recently he would decide not to take parenting time without notice. This was when we lived closer to eachother. This is why I request him to confirm that we are meeting. That seems like a small sign of respect and I do it for him. I have never denied parenting time and have always encouraged him to contact me for any questions, desires, or concerns about the children and their wellfare. I have even offered unscheduled parenting time. Our parenting plan like most parenting plans require us to notify eachother of medical issues and has a clause that states we are to work together for our children's wellfare. When I ask him to give me this information or tell me his desires regarding the children I believe that he is required to respond but he does not. He won't even tell me that he desires not to have this input in their lives. Clearly I have stopped requesting for his input in their lifes but I still have mine! Are you telling me that this is mistreatment of him!!?? I am so exhaused.

 

[lisawithalamp]

I am kind of feeling attacked so maybe this will lt you understnd the situation a little better. My ex-husband was physically and emotionally abused by his father and I believe he and his sisters were also sexually abused. My ex-husband is very verbally, emotionally, and sexually abusive to me. He is verbally abusive to my children. I sound strong because I have been away for a year and understand my rights a little better. We came from a religious background that told me I deserved that treatment. I am just trying to move on with my life and ensure my children are not molested in the process. This is why I want to be informed. I seriously believe that if he is not under some form of accountibility he WILL molest the children. I hate that the courts are only set up to help me pick up the pieces after that occurs. I am trying to protect them. He molested his sister and I am currently trying to get her to get that on the books. Unfortunatly she would rather just be safe and away from the whole issue than help me protect my children. So if you think I am a freak for that then well look in the mirror. I realize a lot of dads out there have been mistreated but believe me all I am asking is that he tries to let me know our schedule and that we are in communication for the sake of our children. My children are not a piece of property. They are real people with emotional and physical needs. With this divorce they need us more than ever especially at their age. Now all they have is two people who hate eachother jabbing eachother by use of the kids as pawns. I just want to stop but he won't cooperate! Even the mediatiator acknowlegded it in our meeting. He said that if my ex didn't cooperate than there is nothing he can do for us. I am exhausing every option so that I can provide a stable safe enviroment for my kids.

 

[stealth2]

Really, the only reasonable request is to have notification of his intent to utilize his visitation time.

One thing for you to think about - your refusal to release the children to him unless he answers your questions is as controlling as you perceive his actions to be. That will not serve you well in the future.

And please, tell me that y'all do NOT give the children *aspirin*, especially if they have a fever. That is very dangerous.

 

[lisawithalamp]

Thanks for all the comments about me waiting in my car. I tried to contact my lawyer before I did it and as usual she never responded. That was two weeks ago. Since she is unpaid legal aid there is little incentive I guess. Now I know. Lesson learned. I won't do that any more.

Is there no way to require that he dosen't leave my kids with his parents and responds to my inquiries about injuries? One time my kids gums were bleeding and I just wanted to know why. He could at least let me know! Another time they were telling me that dad shows them his bones. I have no idea what that means. I didn't ask because I knew he wouldn't respond but I would like to have the option. How can a father not have questions like this of his own? Doesn't he care about their wellfare?

Is everyones answer that I need to get it all in writing? That is what I told my lawyer and she failed to do it. She made it sound like the statement in our parenting plan "parents will work together for child care" gave me the right to deny certain care providers. If this is incorrect then do I have any way to get the judgement thrown out and a new lawyer appointed? She messed my my parenting plan by failing to run it by me before sending it to the judge as well. It gives my ex EVERY Christmas wich I clearly did not agree too. Am I having a lawyer problem more than an ex-husband problem?

I was abused for nine years and I will do EVERYTHING in my power to not let my kids be for 18!

 

[stealth2]

What proof do you have of his abuse and/or his parents' abuse? Without that, all you have is hearsay. And, unfortunately, your credibility is going to be somewhat suspect since you were married for 9 years, yet had two children by him after 4+ of them. Especially if you never reported his abuse. Sorry.

Generally speaking, a parent is permitted to choose a care giver during their time. Especially when we're talking about a few hours, as opposed with f/t care.

 

[lisawithalamp]

He went to councling with me after the split and several councelors said he had a sex addiction and admitted that he had been emotionally abusive to me.

He molested his sister before she was an adult for years and she is currently in therapy. Still it has never been legally doccumented.

His father beat him so hard that he has strech marks caused from the stress of the wound across his back thighs from buttox to knee.

After I left him he came to my home and attacked me and violently raped me. I didn't press charges because my income depended on him staying out of jail but I got a restraining order and filed a police report.

I have a few witness of him stocking me after the restraining order.

Does any of this help?

 

[ray25]

"The restraining order allowes any communication regarding visitation through text and email. "

He isn't communicating with you because you have A RESTRAINING ORDER against him. WHY would he want to answer all of your demands or questions? So you can then have him arrested? It sounds to me like he is doing what he should be doing by not talking to you.

Most parenting plans say that you can agree to modifications in the times but usually those have to be agreed upon by the parties. If they are NOT then you follow the times in the order.

It's none of your business what he does with his kids on his time.

BTW- Get rid of the "my kids" and the sense of entitlement.

Edited to add: I can just see your children sitting in the backseat of the car waiting for their release as you hold them hostage waiting for your questions to be answered. Do your children really need to be exposed purposefully to the hostility that exists between you? WHY would you do that to them?

 

[LdiJ]

"The restraining order allowes any communication regarding visitation through text and email. "

He isn't communicating with you because you have A RESTRAINING ORDER against him. WHY would he want to answer all of your demands or questions? So you can then have him arrested? It sounds to me like he is doing what he should be doing by not talking to you.

Most parenting plans say that you can agree to modifications in the times but usually those have to be agreed upon by the parties. If they are NOT then you follow the times in the order.

It's none of your business what he does with his kids on his time.

BTW- Get rid of the "my kids" and the sense of entitlement.

Edited to add: I can just see your children sitting in the backseat of the car waiting for their release as you hold them hostage waiting for your questions to be answered. Do your children really need to be exposed purposefully to the hostility that exists between you? WHY would you do that to them?

They ARE supposed to be communicating regarding the children. That is why they are allowed to do it via text and email.

Yes, she is being unreasonable about some things, but that doesn't mean that its ok for him to refuse to communicate about the children.

 

[Just Blue]

They ARE supposed to be communicating regarding the children. That is why they are allowed to do it via text and email.

Yes, she is being unreasonable about some things, but that doesn't mean that its ok for him to refuse to communicate about the children.

The RO allows for communication regarding :

The restraining order allowes any communication regarding visitation through text and email

Any other communication could be seen as a violation of the RO. If she wants to have Dad discuss ANY OTHER issues she would need to modify the RO to reflect her wishes.