How To Get Respct & Child Safety

[Just Blue]

violently raped me. I didn't press charges because my income depended on him staying out of jail but I got a restraining order and filed a police report.

This doesn't make sense. Charges are filed by the state...Not you. If you reported this violent rape to the police and the DA didn't proceed with charges, I would guess that you were not credible.

 

[lisawithalamp]

OK Ray25 and other POed dads out there please tell me this: If I am going about this wrong then what is the right way?

I mean how on earth are my kids (yes they are mine too) going to have any sort of normal childhood? If my ex refuses to communicate with me he forces the children to be responsible to communicate any needs, concerns, or issues to me themselves. They are 3 and 4 years old and bearly know how to communicate these complex issues. They don't know its wrong that their father didn't have tooth brushes for them for months at his house. How are they going to know if other things are not right? This also sets up a system where they are the go between and makes it much more likely that they will avoid conflict and not address issues including abuse. If I can get HIM to communicate and work out differences then the children don't have to and we can gain a trust relationship over time. I'm just trying to find a legal way to do this.

If I am forced to share visitation while having a restraining order then I would assume that he should be forced to share information. It just seems out of ballence. Do I have to remove my restraining order to protect and care for my kids? The restraining order is meant to offer protection. I have to say that it does protect me from physical violence. Still allowing someone (even if it is my children's father) who abused me and others without remorse to have my children for peroids of time without contact or notification or supervision makes me terrified. I am responsible for their safety even if it is protecting them from someone who shouldn't require that. If I felt I was unsafe with my kids I would remove myself from them. Saying this I feel my ex is unsafe and unstable. I know how he abuses very intimately and I can see that they WILL be abused by him if I do not take measeres against it.

You have to realize I see this being set up as a systematic abuse breeding ground. He is setting it up just like his father. 1. Isolation, 2. Lack of accountibility, 3. Teaching fear that someone will take you away from your parent if you tell. Using these three principles his father destroyed all his children and made my ex a horrible secreat abuser! Please don't tell me my kids are doomed to be abused. There has to be an answer. I am determined to find one.

 

[gr8rn]

I don't understand why you witheld visitation-- you were in your car, he would not answer questions--what questions?--and you kept the kids in your car and he did not get his scheduled visitation? So, BEFORE his visit--you wanted to know what medicines he was going to give them?? This does not make sense. I understand domestic violence, I was in a relationship like that but it doesn't make sense.

 

[lisawithalamp]

This doesn't make sense. Charges are filed by the state...Not you. If you reported this violent rape to the police and the DA didn't proceed with charges, I would guess that you were not credible.

Well this is getting personal. I contacted every agency out there and begged them not to file charges. I am sure this helped them make the decision not to file. I was a distraut because I was still under the dilusion that I could save the marriage. Also being a stay at home mom with a $1000 a month rent due and $350 car payment I was pretty freaked out! That is a whole other issue ----

Please for the sake of helping people quit calling them liars. That is soooo frustrating to ask for help and then have someone yell LIAR to your face. If you don't want to help please yell LIAR to other people who enjoy it because I don't.

 

[lisawithalamp]

I don't understand why you witheld visitation-- you were in your car, he would not answer questions--what questions?--and you kept the kids in your car and he did not get his scheduled visitation? So, BEFORE his visit--you wanted to know what medicines he was going to give them?? This does not make sense. I understand domestic violence, I was in a relationship like that but it doesn't make sense.

No I let them go to their dad. It was a false threat but he actually sent the 2nd party to tell me the answer. I was tired of not having him respond to my parenting questions. I just made him respond to one. No worrys folks. It was creative thinking. I never had any intension of refuising them to go to him. He didnt even ask me to hurry up and remove them from the car. I would have if he did. I won't do it again because clearly it sends the wrong impression. I had no idea!

 

[proud_parent]

Well this is getting personal. I contacted every agency out there and begged them not to file charges. I am sure this helped them make the decision not to file. I was a distraut because I was still under the dilusion that I could save the marriage. Also being a stay at home mom with a $1000 a month rent due and $350 car payment I was pretty freaked out! That is a whole other issue ----

Please for the sake of helping people quit calling them liars. That is soooo frustrating to ask for help and then have someone yell LIAR to your face. If you don't want to help please yell LIAR to other people who enjoy it because I don't.

No one used the word liar but you.

 

[gr8rn]

OK thank you for clarifying. I really am on your side. I was in that kind of marriage and know how you can become paralyzed with fear, not knowing what to do.

In the future, follow the custody agreement to the letter so you will not be found in contempt. If the agreement is not working, file for modification.

Your kids are 3 and 4 not infants. If they say things that are concerning, ask more questions. They can communicate. If they report things that are clearly abusive, then report to family services.

 

[The_Non-Mom]

Geez louise. Can we say fear-mongering?

 

[Just Blue]

Well this is getting personal. I contacted every agency out there and begged them not to file charges. I am sure this helped them make the decision not to file. I was a distraut because I was still under the dilusion that I could save the marriage. Also being a stay at home mom with a $1000 a month rent due and $350 car payment I was pretty freaked out! That is a whole other issue ----

Please for the sake of helping people quit calling them liars. That is soooo frustrating to ask for help and then have someone yell LIAR to your face. If you don't want to help please yell LIAR to other people who enjoy it because I don't.

I didn't call you a liar. I said your post didn't make sense. I said the STATE is the one who determines if charges will be brought.

By you behaving the way you did you made yourself "not credible".

Please don't take an attitude with me because I understand how the Justice System works, and therefor know you are not being forthcoming in your story.

 

[Isis1]

This doesn't make sense. Charges are filed by the state...Not you. If you reported this violent rape to the police and the DA didn't proceed with charges, I would guess that you were not credible.

or there wasn't enough evidence to pursue the charges.....you'd be surprised how easy it is to get shooed away.

 

[CJane]

or there wasn't enough evidence to pursue the charges.....you'd be surprised how easy it is to get shooed away.

It's also possible that in Oregon spousal rape is not a possibility. I know that's true in some states.

OP, without really compelling evidence that Dad poses an immediate threat to the children, you won't be able to restrict his visitation.

You need to NOT attempt to communicate with him face to face OR through the 3rd party. You need to send an email or text. If he doesn't respond, go on with your life.

I get that you're trying to regain control. I went through that after 2 abusive relationships, but you're going overboard (as many of us do). Who cares if the kids go 2 days w/out brushing their teeth? Not a big deal. Let it go.

Hell, let it all go unless and until you have something CONCRETE to worry about. You're going to make yourself crazy.

 

[gr8rn]

Geez louise. Can we say fear-mongering?

from Wikipedia, "Fear mongering (or scaremongering) is the use of fear to influence the opinions and actions of others towards some specific end. The feared object or subject is sometimes exaggerated, and the pattern of fear mongering is usually one of repetition, in order to continuously reinforce the intended effects of this tactic, sometimes in the form of a vicious circle.[citation needed]

What are you talking about? How on earth did you come to that conclusion? And what in my post makes you think I was fear mongering???? What was my agenda?

 

[The_Non-Mom]

(I believe it wasn't directed at gr8n...)

You're right; it wasn't directed at gr8rn. It was directed at the OP and her belief that she has protect her children from POTENTIAL harm rather than DOCUMENTED AND KNOWN harm.

But then again....I am not a mom so I wouldn't know.

 

[The_Non-Mom]

from Wikipedia, "Fear mongering (or scaremongering) is the use of fear to influence the opinions and actions of others towards some specific end. The feared object or subject is sometimes exaggerated, and the pattern of fear mongering is usually one of repetition, in order to continuously reinforce the intended effects of this tactic, sometimes in the form of a vicious circle.[citation needed]

What are you talking about? How on earth did you come to that conclusion? And what in my post makes you think I was fear mongering???? What was my agenda?

Thank you for the definition of fear-mongering. It only backs up what I believe the OP is doing - using fear (her fear that Dad will abuse the children without proof or evidence that he has EVER done so in the past) to influence the courts and her children and restrict Dad's visitation with the children. Pattern of repition? Heck yes, considering that she keeps waving that abuse flag around here.

 

[LdiJ]

You're right; it wasn't directed at gr8rn. It was directed at the OP and her belief that she has protect her children from POTENTIAL harm rather than DOCUMENTED AND KNOWN harm.

But then again....I am not a mom so I wouldn't know.

That still however, does not meet the definition of fear mongering...and that was part of the point that was being made.