Divorcing a "bad guy"

[dx2]

I have a friend who separated from her abusive husband over 20 years ago but never divorced him. He left the state and was a deadbeat dad who paid no child support for their two children, made no mortgage payments on the house they acquired together (which has finally been payed off by her alone) and paid for absolutely none of the bills. Basically, he's been leading his own life with no financial involvment with his previous family. They were married and purchased their home in California, a community property state. If she would like to finally divorce him and close the book on this, what is she up against in terms of a fair distribution of "their" assets? He is a hostile person who will likely fight whatever actions she takes. I'm not sure of the details but I know he has some sort of criminal record while my friend's is absolutely clean. I'm not sure if that makes a difference. Is she basically screwed?

 

[Proserpina]

I have a friend who separated from her abusive husband over 20 years ago but never divorced him. He left the state and was a deadbeat dad who paid no child support for their two children, made no mortgage payments on the house they acquired together (which has finally been payed off by her alone) and paid for absolutely none of the bills. Basically, he's been leading his own life with no financial involvment with his previous family. They were married and purchased their home in California, a community property state. If she would like to finally divorce him and close the book on this, what is she up against in terms of a fair distribution of "their" assets? He is a hostile person who will likely fight whatever actions she takes. I'm not sure of the details but I know he has some sort of criminal record while my friend's is absolutely clean. I'm not sure if that makes a difference. Is she basically screwed?

First things first. If she chose not to divorce him and chose not to obtain a court order for child support, he was under no obligation to pay a dime.

Next, please have your friend make an account herself - there are probably going to be questions to which only she (ie, not you) has the answer.

 

[mistoffolees]

Is she basically screwed?

Pretty much (assuming that she's still living in CA and plans to file there).

Property division in CA is covered here:
Divorce Support - California Property Division Factors

She should talk with an attorney because there may be some way out, but on the surface, it looks like he's going to get 1/2 of everything she owns (and vice versa). HOWEVER, the court will depart from 50:50 if the two parties agree on a property division. Her best bet may be to offer him a certain amount of money to agree to let her have everything else. Plan on a battle, though.

 

[dx2]

First things first. If she chose not to divorce him and chose not to obtain a court order for child support, he was under no obligation to pay a dime.

Next, please have your friend make an account herself - there are probably going to be questions to which only she (ie, not you) has the answer.

Right. She definitely screwed up by never pursuing any child support. She chose not to due to his intimidation. I'll see if I can get her to make an account but she's still pretty much in "helpless victim mode" which is what allowed him to get away with this in the first place. It's been 20 years and she's reaching old age and worried about how this will play out if he outlives her. What a mess.

 

[Proserpina]

Right. She definitely screwed up by never pursuing any child support. She chose not to due to his intimidation. I'll see if I can get her to make an account but she's still pretty much in "helpless victim mode" which is what allowed him to get away with this in the first place. It's been 20 years and she's reaching old age and worried about how this will play out if he outlives her. What a mess.

Dude, she can't really claim "helpless victim mode" after twenty years, y'know?

But by all means have her come here - there are some CA-based folk with tons of experience who may offer other ideas; I seem to remember someone, at some point, mentioning that the 20-year separation may just be a factor.

 

[dx2]

Thanks, guys. I'll see if I can get her to check out this forum. In the mean time, if anyone else has additional tips for this horribly crappy situation, feel free to add them.

 

[LdiJ]

Right. She definitely screwed up by never pursuing any child support. She chose not to due to his intimidation. I'll see if I can get her to make an account but she's still pretty much in "helpless victim mode" which is what allowed him to get away with this in the first place. It's been 20 years and she's reaching old age and worried about how this will play out if he outlives her. What a mess.

While I agree that she screwed up in never asking for child support, I see the house and other assets (and possibly debt) being a bigger problem now.

When you say, "approaching old age", how old is she actually?

She really needs a sit down consult with an attorney. She also needs to get out of "victim" mode. I can somewhat understand someone staying in victim mode while then had minor children that they felt they needed to protect, but that's obviously no longer the case.

 

[dx2]

While I agree that she screwed up in never asking for child support, I see the house and other assets (and possibly debt) being a bigger problem now.

When you say, "approaching old age", how old is she actually?

She really needs a sit down consult with an attorney. She also needs to get out of "victim" mode. I can somewhat understand someone staying in victim mode while then had minor children that they felt they needed to protect, but that's obviously no longer the case.

She's 60 so I guess that actually is "old age" already. She does have an adult child with special needs who she financially supports as well, all on her own. She didn't handle that situation very well either. It's all just a big mess and I was just hoping there was some obvious loophole she could work her way through to make sure this turns out in a "morally correct" manner, even though, legally, she pretty much dug her own grave. Yea, consulting a lawyer would be the next obvious step.

 

[LdiJ]

She's 60 so I guess that actually is "old age" already. She does have an adult child with special needs who she financially supports as well, all on her own. She didn't handle that situation very well either. It's all just a big mess and I was just hoping there was some obvious loophole she could work her way through to make sure this turns out in a "morally correct" manner, even though, legally, she pretty much dug her own grave. Yea, consulting a lawyer would be the next obvious step.

Seriously, consulting an attorney is what she needs to do...and needs to do NOW. If she has an adult child with special needs she cannot afford not to deal with the divorce/financial issues now.

 

[dx2]

Seriously, consulting an attorney is what she needs to do...and needs to do NOW. If she has an adult child with special needs she cannot afford not to deal with the divorce/financial issues now.

I'll do what I can to get her on the ball here. Maybe I can also help her find a group for abused women to assist with the psychological barriers because that seems like probably the biggest issue throughout all of this.

 

[professordad]

Unless she wants to re-marry, there is really no reason for her to file for a divorce. While this is not perhaps a legal opinion, it is basic humanity. Then she can play the waiting game; if he dies before she does, then she gets it all, unless he has a will I guess.
Twenty years seems like a rather long time to be bringing up psychological barriers, she should be over it by now. We are not victims for our lifetimes.
Again, it seems rather silly to divorce unless she wants to re-marry.

 

[Banned_Princess]

Unless she wants to re-marry, there is really no reason for her to file for a divorce. While this is not perhaps a legal opinion, it is basic humanity. Then she can play the waiting game; if he dies before she does, then she gets it all, unless he has a will I guess.
Twenty years seems like a rather long time to be bringing up psychological barriers, she should be over it by now. We are not victims for our lifetimes.
Again, it seems rather silly to divorce unless she wants to re-marry.

Stop being ridiculous.

Some abuse has lifetime effects. and they are extremely difficult to "just get over it"

She is no longer a helpless victim, but sometimes the effects are serious enough to be debilitating in some way.

Maybe she can just not get a divorce.

 

[Proserpina]

Stop being ridiculous.

Some abuse has lifetime effects. and they are extremely difficult to "just get over it"

She is no longer a helpless victim, but sometimes the effects are serious enough to be debilitating in some way.

Maybe she can just not get a divorce.

Consider the source, BP

 

[mistoffolees]

Unless she wants to re-marry, there is really no reason for her to file for a divorce. While this is not perhaps a legal opinion, it is basic humanity. Then she can play the waiting game; if he dies before she does, then she gets it all, unless he has a will I guess.
Twenty years seems like a rather long time to be bringing up psychological barriers, she should be over it by now. We are not victims for our lifetimes.
Again, it seems rather silly to divorce unless she wants to re-marry.

Someone probably gave her that same advice 20 years ago - which is why she's now probably going to have to give up half of everything she worked for for the past 20 years.

There are LOTS of reasons to get a divorce besides remarrying. One of the most obvious might be to ensure the proper care of their child.

 

[LdiJ]

Someone probably gave her that same advice 20 years ago - which is why she's now probably going to have to give up half of everything she worked for for the past 20 years.

There are LOTS of reasons to get a divorce besides remarrying. One of the most obvious might be to ensure the proper care of their child.

No kidding...to ensure that she is able to leave money to provide for their child without her husband scooping it up because he is still technically married to her when SHE passes away.

She cannot even sell the house without his signature, and at this point, if something happened to her, the house would belong entirely to HIM.