father wants custody

[joycrick]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? VA

I couldn't find my previous thread; it was from back in November...
Anyway, I am the father of an 11 week old baby girl. I am 18, ex is 17. Paternity has been legally established, via court ordered DNA test.

We were only together for a month when we found out she was pregnant. (I know "STUPID". Believe me.....my mom tells me all the time.) We broke up about a month after we found out she was pregnant. (she cheated, and admitted it)

I did go to her initial doctor visit with her. For the first 2 doctor visits after we split, my mother took her because she would get hysterical when I was around because she wanted us to get back together. I was at the rest of her visits until the second visit of her 7th month. Up until then, neither of her parents had been to any of the doctor visits (she was only 16 at the time). They signed a piece of paper giving my mom the right to make medical decisions for her.

When I brought up visitation at this time, she cut off all contact with myself and my mom. (her and my mom had a close relationship until this) She checked into the hospital confidentially when she went into labor, and I only found out the baby was born by accident.

I have a lawyer, and we've filed for custody and visitation. Hearing is on 1/28 I'm just wondering if the emotional health of the mother, and the support (or lack of it) that she has from her parents will be taken into consideration.

The issues: She was supposedly kicked out of her dad's house (he lived with his girlfriend), so her mom brought her to my house and asked my mom if she could stay at our house because she didn't have room for her. Her mom lives in a one bedroom house with her boyfriend and her boyfriend's son. Since my mom already knew there was a chance she was pregnant, she said yes.

She and the baby are living with her mom now, so there are 5 people living in this one bedroom house. When I was in this house it was filthy. We've requested that the baby's GAL make an unannounced visit. Don't know that he will though. And I realize that dirt can be cleaned up.....

She has cut herself (don't know if she still does). She has the word "HATE" scarred on her inner arm, and multiple scars on her hands and legs.

My mom spoke to her guidance counselor at school several times trying to get her into therapy. Her guidance counselor actually recommended to her parents that she go to a home for pregnant teens rather than stay with either of of them. (we are going to subpeona her) When my mom did find therapy for her, she went to one visit, and then because it was in a different city, her dad didn't want to take her and he actually told my mom "if they wanna talk to her, they can come to her".

My mom has multiple text messages saved and printed saying that they have no food, that they have no money to get food, that she needs me to come get her because she's afraid her mom's bf might hit her, asking my mom if she wants the baby after she's born because she doesn't want to live. That her mom doesn't want her to go to counseling because it's a waste of time because she would be ok if I would get back with her.

When she cheated on me, she initially claimed it was rape. Then she said it wasn't. Then when I broke up with her, she said it was again. Her dad finally took her to the police station but told my mom that he didn't think it was rape. We (my parents and I) talked to the detective and she told us that when ex reported the rape that her dad just dropped her off at the police station. (keep in mind she's only 16) The detective was never able to speak with either of her parents.... They wouldn't return her calls. Not sure if we are going to subpeona the detective. I'm not sure what she could actually attest to.

I live at home with my parents and my brother. The baby's crib is set up in my bedroom. I work full-time for my dad. I'm kinda worried about the fact that I work, because she doesn't so she would be able to be with baby during the day. But I have daycare available; my grandmother......

I know you don't have a crystal ball. Just wondering if the seniors think the baby's GAL and the judge will consider these things. My lawyer told me that on paper in Virginia, ex and I are considered equal, but that it's just a given that mother's are given priority....

Sorry this is so long. Thanks for any input!What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[Artemis_ofthe_Hunt]

You have a long haul ahead of you, I'm afraid. Its fabulous that at your age you've stepped up to the plate and taken the responsibility for your actions. If only more young men who chose to be sexually active are ready and willing to be accountable for their actions. It speaks loudly of your upbringing!

Legally, you've made the first step in establishing yourself as dad. So on to square two. Square two would be (if it hasn't already) establishing support and custody/visitations. If mom agrees, I don't see why you wouldn't or couldn't establish yourself as the custodial parent. Otherwise, if she doesn't agree, you stand a perfectly good chance of 50/50, either physically or legally or both.

Corny as though it may sound... I am PROUD of you for your choice to stand up and be a man!

 

[joycrick]

forgot to add that because ex is a minor, she was appointed a GAL, so she will have representation also......

 

[joycrick]

should i ask - mom will definately not agree to me being the custodial. she hasn't allowed me to see her at all. she's 11 weeks old, and she's never been held by her daddy. we rec'd the paternity results on christmas eve, so i asked her if she would let me see her for christmas. she never responded.

 

[SingleMomAZ]

You have a long haul ahead of you, I'm afraid. Its fabulous that at your age you've stepped up to the plate and taken the responsibility for your actions. If only more young men who chose to be sexually active are ready and willing to be accountable for their actions. It speaks loudly of your upbringing!

Legally, you've made the first step in establishing yourself as dad. So on to square two. Square two would be (if it hasn't already) establishing support and custody/visitations. If mom agrees, I don't see why you wouldn't or couldn't establish yourself as the custodial parent. Otherwise, if she doesn't agree, you stand a perfectly good chance of 50/50, either physically or legally or both.

Corny as though it may sound... I am PROUD of you for your choice to stand up and be a man!

I second this!

Also, has anyone called CPS on her? I am just thinking if there is some other outside documentation regarding the poor conditions of the place then that will go in your favor as well.

 

[joycrick]

my lawyer and i discussed calling cps, but were reluctant to get them involved. she said once they're in your life - it's hard to get rid of them. we're banking on the GAL's visit i guess.

 

[Artemis_ofthe_Hunt]

should i ask - mom will definately not agree to me being the custodial. she hasn't allowed me to see her at all. she's 11 weeks old, and she's never been held by her daddy. we rec'd the paternity results on christmas eve, so i asked her if she would let me see her for christmas. she never responded.

If you don't already have an attorney, get one if you aren't ready to represent yourself. It may be just out of your reach if you haven't already done the research into learning the civil procedures for your state/county. File for custody/visitation and get that ball rolling. She can only refuse you if there isn't an order! If, once you get an order allowing you joint custody/visitations, she does happen to refuse your visitation, take her back to court for contempt.... not just once, but a pattern, which could be established fairly easily considering the length of time the child has been on this earth.

Stand by for a seniors take on this one, I'm sure its forthcoming.

 

[gr8rn]

You are showing a tremendous amount of maturity for your age. Heck, you sound like you are more mature than my ex husband and he is 40!

It might help you to look up co-parenting and get a good understanding of what that means. It wouldn't hurt to take a parenting class as well. So you are well prepared for when you do get time with your child. Congratulations, Daddy! Good luck and I hope that you two can become successful coparents.

 

[LdiJ]

I also agree that you are showing a great deal of maturity. However, I think that you are being given a bit of a false impression that 50/50 would be a natural result.

50/50 is becoming more and more common, but it is still not the norm anywhere.

 

[Artemis_ofthe_Hunt]

I also agree that you are showing a great deal of maturity. However, I think that you are being given a bit of a false impression that 50/50 would be a natural result.

50/50 is becoming more and more common, but it is still not the norm anywhere.

You don't think with mom's apparent disinterest (or whatever you want to call it) that he would stand a good chance at getting what he asks for?

 

[CJane]

You don't think with mom's apparent disinterest (or whatever you want to call it) that he would stand a good chance at getting what he asks for?

No. Not 50/50, not with an infant, and not against the agreement of the other parent.

 

[Proserpina]

You don't think with mom's apparent disinterest (or whatever you want to call it) that he would stand a good chance at getting what he asks for?

This may depend entirely on how a particular judge is inclined to rule - in and of itself, Mom's apparent disinterest may not influence a single thing.

 

[LdiJ]

You don't think with mom's apparent disinterest (or whatever you want to call it) that he would stand a good chance at getting what he asks for?

No, because we only have his side of the story and "disinterest" certainly isn't what he described. Potential problems and issues yes, disinterest no.

This is an unwed situation involving teens and an 11 week infant that dad has never seen.

If mom and mom's situation are truly unfit dad might stand a shot at primary custody.

If mom's situation is not truly unfit, then dad is going to have to take things in stages. He may, in the long term, eventually end up with 50/50, or even primary custody depending on how things go in the long term.

However, judges typically, even in the states most leaning towards joint legal AND physical custody rarely put an infant into a 50/50 timeshare.

Again, its not and never will be about what's fair to either parent. Its about what is best for the child. With an infant, an abrupt change is NEVER in the best interest of the infant unless the infant is not being properly cared for and is in an unfit situation.

Its not fair to unwed parents to give them the impression that 50/50 is even likely with an infant, let alone give them the impression that its almost a foregone conclusion.

Now...if these two parents were a bit older, and had lived together as a family with their child and had equally shared caregiving, and THEN split up, something approaching 50/50 might be a stronger possibility.

However, that is not the case at all here.

 

[Artemis_ofthe_Hunt]

No, because we only have his side of the story and "disinterest" certainly isn't what he described. Potential problems and issues yes, disinterest no.

This is an unwed situation involving teens and an 11 week infant that dad has never seen.

If mom and mom's situation are truly unfit dad might stand a shot at primary custody.

If mom's situation is not truly unfit, then dad is going to have to take things in stages. He may, in the long term, eventually end up with 50/50, or even primary custody depending on how things go in the long term.

However, judges typically, even in the states most leaning towards joint legal AND physical custody rarely put an infant into a 50/50 timeshare.

Again, its not and never will be about what's fair to either parent. Its about what is best for the child. With an infant, an abrupt change is NEVER in the best interest of the infant unless the infant is not being properly cared for and is in an unfit situation.

Its not fair to unwed parents to give them the impression that 50/50 is even likely with an infant, let alone give them the impression that its almost a foregone conclusion.

Now...if these two parents were a bit older, and had lived together as a family with their child and had equally shared caregiving, and THEN split up, something approaching 50/50 might be a stronger possibility.

However, that is not the case at all here.

ok OP... I stand corrected. I took what you said in the original post of her asking several people to take the baby because she didn't want to live, and ran with it I guess, and incorrectly too... Thanks for correcting me Ld.... as always, I appreciate the opportunity to learn.

 

[ecmst12]

Hopefully dad can get short visits a few times a week so baby can have a chance to bond with him....baby needs to see both parents frequently to start to form relationships and recognition.