Tutoring Expenses....Should I Pay?

[ProPerDoper]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

I need perspective please, from an objective viewpoint:

I have 75% primary physical custody of our two minor children, something that upsets my X very much. So much so that she has attempted several times to force a change in custody over to her including a call to CPS which backfired. She was found to be "manipulate in her attempts to force a change in custody" according to the record.

Since then, she has tried a new tactic: Education. Our preteen child was getting poor grades in 5th and 6th grade. All of the teachers and administrators repeatedly said that it was from lack of effort/focus and behavior issues rather than ability. My X enrolled both kids in a weekend tutoring service, (one of the major franchise operations, mall front, expensive) had them tested, and tutored at a cost of about $7k total. Even after my repeated requests she provided no information to me, and the only way I learned any details was to visit the center myself, about an hour away. After several months, she began emailing asking why I wouldn't support our kids' educational needs and help with cost. I asked for details and copies of info (bills, contracts, etc.) for perspective, yet received none. I obtained copies from the center.

To date my ex has withheld about $4k in court ordered reimbursements for medical, child care, extra-curricular activities, mandatory school costs, etc., offsetting these expenses with her costs for the tutoring.

I have attempted to settle with her, even to the point of offering to pay 1/2 for all tutoring costs. Each time we get close to an agreement, she adds something else which keeps us apart. It's my belief that her desire is to keep us from settlement in an attempt to use this as ammunition before the court: If I'm unwilling to pay for needed tutoring, she must be the better parent, and as such the kids should go live with her some 4.5 hours away.

The tutoring is not court ordered, nor is reimbursement at this point. She needs a court order for me to repay. The expenses due to me for medical, child care, school, etc. are court ordered, and payment due dates back to 2007. I am working on filing a motion to enforce payment.

I'm pretty firm in my belief that her actions are selfish and manipulative. In fact, the director of the tutoring center agreed with my assessment regarding the kids' moms manipulation. Our child's grades did not improve after the tutoring, nor after several attempts to help by the school. Only recently have they improved after I got the child into therapy, and as a result of improvement in behavior and maturity. (Things are really good now!)

So how should I look at her actions? Do I pay for the tutoring expenses?

 

[CourtClerk]

You two and all this bickering make me extremely sad for these kids...but please keep bickering. The courts need the money and I need to keep my job.

 

[ProPerDoper]

You two and all this bickering make me extremely sad for these kids...but please keep bickering. The courts need the money and I need to keep my job.

Fair enough. This stuff if always sad for the kids. Having said that, with their current therapy they've never been in such a good place emotionally.

Now...some constructive perspective please, as I gotta deal with the reality of the situation regardless of how sad.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Have the teachers documented that the child's grades are due to effort and not lack of understanding the topics?

You can always file a show cause on the medical, etc expenses that mom isn't paying.

 

[ProPerDoper]

Have the teachers documented that the child's grades are due to effort and not lack of understanding the topics?

You can always file a show cause on the medical, etc expenses that mom isn't paying.

I do have documentation from the teachers. Many emails, assessments, STAR testing results, etc., all the way up to the Superintendent of schools.

I am currently working on preparation of a motion and application for order for enforcement.

But what to do about payment of 1/2 of the tutoring expenses? Did it help them? Couldn't have hurt. Did it remedy the poor grade performance? I really don't believe that it did.

Knowing that her intentions are malicious makes it that much more difficult an issue, and Lord knows that I can use the funds to provide for them.

But...my intent was to search out perspective here, not to convince ya'll to my point of view.

Anxious for more input....I am....

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

I understand the frustration. But, unless you go to enforce the current court order, nothing can be done.

 

[EnforceSupport]

Having offered to pay 1/2 of the non-court ordered tuition sounds reasonable to me. You did not expand on the 'other' things she brings up that keeps you away from settlement, but, it's probably not relevant anyway.

I'd keep your communications, especially regarding tutoring, well documented. Everything should be in writing, and that which is is oral, should be followed up with a confirming writing.

I would suggest you simply pursue the determination of the other arrears. Since it will be your motion, you can even take the very high road of explaining to the court that she will content tutoring was needed and paid, and, while you and educators disagree, you are nonetheless willing to contribute some portion, as an offset against what she owes you. (not in the future, but only as to past amounts.)

 

[LdiJ]

Here is one thing that I see in this discussion.

You admitted that your child was getting poor grades in school for two years in a row, in 5th and 6th grade. Those are pretty significant schooling years and two years is a long time to let that go on without major corrective action.

Its going to be difficult to argue that mom putting them in tutoring was done to be malicious or manipulative. Its also going to be difficult to prove that the tutoring did not have an impact on the now improved performance.

I realize that the therapy has had a major impact, but you could have also done that much, much sooner.

Therefore, I would not go into court dissing mom for the tutoring. I think that could backfire on you. Instead focus on what you have done to improve the situation with the child's school performance.

 

[ProPerDoper]

Here is one thing that I see in this discussion.

You admitted that your child was getting poor grades in school for two years in a row, in 5th and 6th grade. Those are pretty significant schooling years and two years is a long time to let that go on without major corrective action.

Its going to be difficult to argue that mom putting them in tutoring was done to be malicious or manipulative. Its also going to be difficult to prove that the tutoring did not have an impact on the now improved performance.

I realize that the therapy has had a major impact, but you could have also done that much, much sooner.

Therefore, I would not go into court dissing mom for the tutoring. I think that could backfire on you. Instead focus on what you have done to improve the situation with the child's school performance.

Thanks for the feedback, and perspective. I come for exactly that as I'm the first to admit that I'm not objective. Emotions get in the way...period, and taking the high road each and every time ain't necessarily easy. This may just be the best piece of advice that I've received yet.