Virtual visit question

[doc2b]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? GA

Hi, guys...looking for an opinion on how to handle something.

My husband is finally able to Skype with the kids (and no, it isn't part of the court order to do virtual visits...he and his ex are still through the courts working on the change of domicile). It's only 10-15 minutes every few days and she sits with them the whole time they're talking (does the same when they're on the phone). Nobody is trying to be secretive or anything, but she talks to the kids and tries to play with them while they're visiting with dad and their brothers and it's completely distracting for everyone. If they ever say anything to dad about stuff they're doing at her house, she pipes in and has to "explain" what they really meant to say (and it isn't like it's anything bad...if they say they just finished reading a book, she'll say "no, we read a book and did a worksheet and flashcards for 45 minutes" )

Does anyone have any ideas or advice on how he can politely ask mom to disappear while they're talking? She takes offense easily and it doesn't help my husband does not have a way with words
Thanks

 

[gr8rn]

Are you sitting right there as well? Just asking..

 

[doc2b]

Yes I am, and holding both of our infant sons. You see, the kids like to see their little brothers too since they don't get to spend time with them like they used to, and phone conversations with infants are pretty one sided. But if you feel like I'm overstepping by being there, by all means come out and say it.

 

[Zigner]

Yes I am, and holding both of our infant sons. You see, the kids like to see their little brothers too since they don't get to spend time with them like they used to, and phone conversations with infants are pretty one sided. But if you feel like I'm overstepping by being there, by all means come out and say it.

So, it's fine for the unrelated stranger to sit in, but not the MOTHER of the children?

Furthermore, if this were an "intact" family, the interaction you see would be happening anyway. Yes, I recommend you step back/butt-out

 

[gr8rn]

Yes I am, and holding both of our infant sons. You see, the kids like to see their little brothers too since they don't get to spend time with them like they used to, and phone conversations with infants are pretty one sided. But if you feel like I'm overstepping by being there, by all means come out and say it.

How can you possibly say that it is OK for you to be there and not Mom? Sincerely, yes, you are overstepping.

How old are the kids?

 

[doc2b]

So, it's fine for the unrelated stranger to sit in, but not the MOTHER of the children?

Furthermore, if this were an "intact" family, the interaction you see would be happening anyway. Yes, I recommend you step back/butt-out

It wouldn't be an issue for him or them if she wasn't drawing their attention away from their conversation (whether intentionally or not). If you want to go the route of "if this were an intact family", then he should be allowed to call at any point during the day and interupt her activities and conversations with the kids? I'm pretty sure she would disagree with that, that's why they have specific times that they call to speak with the kids when they're at the other parent's house.

This I'm asking seriously, not trying to be argumentative...are you suggesting that I don't have any contact with my stepkids during phone calls or webcam visits? Should that also carry over to when they are here? Just "step back/butt out" and ignore the fact that we had a relationship once? I know I'm not their mother, but I am a caregiver and a parent to their siblings, so it's a little hard to understand why it's not okay to talk to them in these circumstances.

Just for the record, I'm not trying to involve myself in any decision making, parenting or any issues between my husband and his ex. I'm asking a question on his behalf.

 

[doc2b]

How can you possibly say that it is OK for you to be there and not Mom? Sincerely, yes, you are overstepping.

How old are the kids?

They're 9 years old. The point is, dad is asking for 10-15 minutes a few times a week so the kids can fill him in on their goings on. I talk to them, too, and hold one of the babies so they can see him, hubby holds the other. There is little opportunity for conversation between anyone because mom is engaging them the majority of the time.

I'll quit sitting in on the conversations from now on, then...but is it seriously too much for him to ask for at least a few minutes to talk to them without her talking over them or him in the background? I guess courtesy is out of the question.

 

[Zigner]

It wouldn't be an issue for him or them if she wasn't drawing their attention away from their conversation (whether intentionally or not). If you want to go the route of "if this were an intact family", then he should be allowed to call at any point during the day and interupt her activities and conversations with the kids? I'm pretty sure she would disagree with that, that's why they have specific times that they call to speak with the kids when they're at the other parent's house.

This I'm asking seriously, not trying to be argumentative...are you suggesting that I don't have any contact with my stepkids during phone calls or webcam visits? Should that also carry over to when they are here? Just "step back/butt out" and ignore the fact that we had a relationship once? I know I'm not their mother, but I am a caregiver and a parent to their siblings, so it's a little hard to understand why it's not okay to talk to them in these circumstances.

Just for the record, I'm not trying to involve myself in any decision making, parenting or any issues between my husband and his ex. I'm asking a question on his behalf.

Yeah - leave the parenting to the parent.

 

[Zigner]

If you insist on sitting in, then mom can sit in. If you DON'T sit in, then dad will be in a better position. However, the visits aren't even court ordered...maybe that needs to change?

 

[doc2b]

If you insist on sitting in, then mom can sit in. If you DON'T sit in, then dad will be in a better position. However, the visits aren't even court ordered...maybe that needs to change?

It will soon. Mom and dad had joint physical (35/65 split) before dad got transferred out of state for work. Final hearing on change of domicile is next month, so all plans for virtual visitation and phone access will be addressed then. I'll quit talking to the kids, then. That just sucks, but whatever

 

[CJane]

It wouldn't be THAT hard to get a court to order that no communications be "monitored" by the parent with whom the children are currently residing.

That was so important to our GAL that the portion of the CO that addresses it is in all caps. Something along the lines of "Father shall have virtual visitation with the children on X day @ X time. Such visitation shall not be monitored by, nor interfered with by Mother, or other members of either household."

I completely disagree that SMom shouldn't be there if the kids want to talk to her. And Mom should be able to be wherever in her home she wishes to be. But her interrupting the kids/visitation is just silly.

To me... virtual visitation should be approached much like "real" visitation. The kids should be "dropped off" and the visit allowed to take place, and then the kids should be "picked up". Whomever the "visiting parent" chooses to have around while the visit is taking place is up to that parent.

 

[doc2b]

It wouldn't be THAT hard to get a court to order that no communications be "monitored" by the parent with whom the children are currently residing.

That was so important to our GAL that the portion of the CO that addresses it is in all caps. Something along the lines of "Father shall have virtual visitation with the children on X day @ X time. Such visitation shall not be monitored by, nor interfered with by Mother, or other members of either household."

I completely disagree that SMom shouldn't be there if the kids want to talk to her. And Mom should be able to be wherever in her home she wishes to be. But her interrupting the kids/visitation is just silly.

All that wording is basically in the proposed parenting plan that dad submitted to the court, so we'll see. I'd sure hate to be excluded from talking with them, but I guess if that's what it takes until he gets something in the CO, then so be it.

 

[CJane]

All that wording is basically in the proposed parenting plan that dad submitted to the court, so we'll see. I'd sure hate to be excluded from talking with them, but I guess if that's what it takes until he gets something in the CO, then so be it.

You missed what I edited in...

To me... virtual visitation should be approached much like "real" visitation. The kids should be "dropped off" and the visit allowed to take place, and then the kids should be "picked up". Whomever the "visiting parent" chooses to have around while the visit is taking place is up to that parent.

I think, if the kids want to talk to you, you SHOULD be there.

 

[doc2b]

You missed what I edited in...



I think, if the kids want to talk to you, you SHOULD be there.

They do want to talk to me (we've always been really chatty), but they're most interested in the babies lately

 

[frylover]

I'm curious about why Mom hovering and jumping in during virtual visitation is any different than listening in on phone calls between a parent and child, which many times parents have been told here is unacceptable?

Cjane, you make WAY too much sense!