Am I being unreasonable?

[MoJo1616]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? PA
I've been going through a "nasty" custody battle with my ex. for a few months now. I was served papers stating that he is filing for custody/modification of custody.

Currently I have primary physical custody and we share legal custody. Visitations as follows" Every Tuesday for 2 hours after school, EO Friday and EOW with one over night a month.
When I left him I left the house ( it is his legally) , with my kids in tow. I was served a "Write of Ne Exeat" (Still NO IDEA what that is) Came back for court and the judge ordered that my children are to live in his house, I have the choice to stay with "exclusive possession of the marital residence" if I choose to live with the kids. ( a no brainer since they are why I smile every day, even on the crappiest days)
He is to continue to pay the utilities because it is only a temp. order. Yet he had the phone shut off the electric shut off and had an over due oil bill switched into my name. Late on CS payments ALL the time. I call my lawyer. He files papers, blah blah blah. Nothing gets done. Same cycle over and over again.
I was living up state when I left and had to break lease, quit new job and move back. I tried to come to an agreement with him without going to court. I offered him EOW overnight, alternating holidays, and half of summer break. All I asked was that he met me half way. 1 hour, not bad IMO but I guess that was just MO...
We have been to a mediator twice now and nothing is getting settled. I just want to move on with my live. He is over bearing when it comes to me, he lives RIGHT down the road with Mommy and watches my EVERY MOVE. He even has his GF watching the house so he knows who comes and who goes. On the weekends I have the boys I see him drive up the road at least 6 to 7 times a day. I feel very uncomfortable here. I filed papers to move. waiting for court.
My questions: Am I being unreasonable asking to move upstate again with the same terms listed above? Is a judge really allowed to keep me and my kids here?

 

[Ohiogal]

YOu are being unreasonable. The judge is NOT keeping YOU there. He is keeping the CHILDREN in the jurisdiction of the court.

 

[MoJo1616]

I know that it's just my kids that are ordered to stay here on a temp. order. But Can I ask you a personal question? Would you leave your kids behind? I'm a good mother and really I am not just taking his kids away from him. I'm not the "angered" spouse trying to get revenge by using the kids as ponds. I am offering what seems to be more time then some fathers get. He only wants the weekday visit so his mother who works the weekend he has the kids can see them, he has said this numerous times. They are young and have not been in the same county all of their life. We ( My ex and I) moved state to state and county to county before. My lawyer seems to think this makes a difference something about them not establishing "x" amount of years in school (?) Does that make a difference?

 

[Ohiogal]

Why is it in the CHILDREN's best interest to move away from their father? Not yours but theirs? Why did you quit your job if it was only an hour away -- why didn't you commute?

 

[MoJo1616]

I'm not saying its in their best interest to move away. I know I wasn't clear on the time sorry..it would be an hour for us to met, 2 hours away total. I moved upstate because I have family there.
He would get more time in all if we did it the way my lawyer suggested. He just wants more. He wants to be able to come see them when ever he choses. He feels that because it is HIS house ( My name is not on the deed) he should have that right. I had to have him removed via police escort already. He can't even come pick the kids up anymore, his father does. We are not married anymore for a reason and I don't want him to be able to come and go as he pleases, that's kind of why we are divorcing. The judge ordered the time he gets now. He HAS to be at his parents house during overnight. Supervised. He has a drinking problem and the judge ordered this for the safety of the kids until he gets help. Which he is NOT doing. I am to get monthly reports via my lawyer from his therapist and he hasn't gotten one yet. I just want to be able to 2 hours away, not across the country. I know that some couples that have divorced have state to state terms but I never heard of keeping the kids next door so to speak.

 

[MichaCA]

I think the next door thing is great, when the parents actually get along and coparent. Otherwise, pretending at coparenting when its not happening is ridiculous. Yes, be amicable, personally, after describing dads current issue and not seeking help, I hope you are allowed to move the two hours away.

 

[stealth2]

I'm not saying its in their best interest to move away.

But that is what you will need to show the judge. That it IS in the children's best interest to move away.

I moved upstate because I have family there.

And your children's family is where you live now. I suspect that's the point the judge was/is trying to make for you.

 

[MoJo1616]

I think the next door thing is great, when the parents actually get along and coparent. Otherwise, pretending at coparenting when its not happening is ridiculous. Yes, be amicable, personally, after describing dads current issue and not seeking help, I hope you are allowed to move the two hours away.

If we could get along I think it would be great to be next door. But and the BUT is BIG he makes NO attempt at being civil towards me. He e-mails me "hate" mail, stalks me or has his family stalk me, shutting off utilities, and he know I didn't have a job when I first got back. When we were married I opted to be a sahm while the kids were little. My Youngest just started preK and it has taken me 6 months to FINALLY find a job to where I can be here when my kids get home from school. I do believe that is important. Maybe a little old school but my Momma was always home when I was little even thought she worked. And being a single Mom I think it's best I be home if I can. It was well worth the wait, I have a great job working for a woman who allows me to make my own schedule. Anyhoo. I have family here too well, My Mom lives near me and I wouldn't mind living around the area but he has made my life here not so good. That is why I want to leave.
He will forever be the father of my children, I can't change that nor do I want to. I love my kids, I loved their father once too. There is no love lost there now but I still have to be civil because I'm not hurting him by being rude I'm hurting my kids. I don't want to sound childish when I go in front of a judge. "He hates me" "He tells my kids it's my fault" "He talks about me" I don't want to prove him unfit forever but at the time being he is more self focused than child focused. The drinking does scare me, he tend to get very mean when he drinks. His mother is an enabler she just lets him do what he wants and covers for him. The judge that told me to come back told my attorney to just sit back and watch "Mommy" destroy her sons chances.
Ok sorry I rambled.
Question: How can I show it in the best interest of my kids to move upstate, without completely destroying his character? and Will it hurt my chances to start tearing him apart?

 

[nextwife]

It's YOUR fault you had no job. Instead of leasing a place two hours away, you could have kept your job, and leased a place nearby so you would not disrupt the CHILDREN. From their school, friends and dad.

 

[stealth2]

I have family here too well, My Mom lives near me and I wouldn't mind living around the area but he has made my life here not so good. That is why I want to leave.

So really, the move is NOT about being closer to your family... this is about why a move would be better for YOU. Which is moot wrt the kids.

Question: How can I show it in the best interest of my kids to move upstate, without completely destroying his character? and Will it hurt my chances to start tearing him apart?

I don't think anyone here really knows, since we have no idea why the area you want to relocate to would be better for them.

And it absolutely can hurt your chances if you start tearing him down. All that will make the judge think is that you will not foster a relationship between them and their father. You need to show the judge that there are benefits for them there that outweigh the benefits of living near their father and their extended family (on both sides, apparently).

 

[gr8rn]

Question: How can I show it in the best interest of my kids to move upstate, without completely destroying his character? and Will it hurt my chances to start tearing him apart?

Why would you want to do that? That makes you just as bad, using the kids as "ponds"

 

[stealth2]

Why would you want to do that? That makes you just as bad, using the kids as "ponds"

This made me laugh again.

 

[MichaCA]

The thing is, its an old fashioned (out of date legally) idea that, as a single parent, to move closer to ones extended family is in the best interests of the child.

Some parents in different states are allowed more freedom, but overall that whole concept has completely changed and the precedent is that whats best for the child is to have a on-going relationship with both parents. A long distance relationship DOES obstruct that.

I attempted to move long distance way back when...and the dad was nothing but trouble too. However, because our child was bonding with her dad, it was denied, I was expected that and totally understood. I see both sides. I actually think daughter would have been happier had I had more family support, and lived in a reasonable economic area. I would have gone back to school, been able to buy a house, and the dad even said he would move to the area if I did (point not taken in by the mediator or judge). So I stayed and made the best of it.

Even as a parent its impossible to say what would have been best for her...as it never happened.

Thats all long winded - another way of saying what everyone else is....you need to be able to offer the courts specific solid ways the move would improve your childs life...and its not a slam dunk. Dads involvement with the child for the past few months will have some impact. What visitation schedule you are able to offer is key, plus paying for all transportation. But thats not a slam dunk. And, those still aren't even reasons to warrant a move, just details.

Keep in mind, the farther you move away...the longer amounts of time at a time the child will spend with dad away from you. Thats a given with ld visitation. So if you don't TRUST dads parenting, then that is the catch 22 IMO.

 

[MoJo1616]

I read all replies. Thank you for your input. One thing was misread. I was not working when I lived in the home I am living now, I got offered a job when I went upstate. My sister and her family live there. It's not just about family being there. It's a wonderful neighborhood to raise kids in. Gated community, security and such. The ex and I had wanted to move long before to the area I was living when I left. I had done plenty of online job searches so that when we did go up there I could start working again since my youngest just started school. Of course then the divorce and I decided to go anyhow. My ex and I were looking to move because the neighborhood we live in now has gone down hill. My tahoe was broken into 2 times in the year, I was putting my oldest on the bus last year and was greeted by FBI circling the neighbors house ( drug bust)..that was when I told the ex we needed to sell the house, For Sale sign went up a week later. He took the house off the market when I left. He knew where I was had contact with the kids while I was gone I even drove the kids to see him every weekend. I was getting my stuff and while I was getting my things he had them. He was fine with things but then his mother starts telling him that I was going to find a replacement for him and that if I did I would replace him in the boys life. I was gone for 5 months. then get nailed with "Write of Ne Exeat" Already had my kids enrolled in the school up there and every thing.
So what I'm getting at is that it is better for my kids to be in a safer area isn't is? I mean as parents isn't that what we strive for?
Also I do not want to ruin him in court, just want the judge to see that it would be better for my kids to be in a safer area. I am NOT nor will I EVER tear him down. I hate when parents have nothing better to do then ripe each other apart in court. It's stupid and don't get ya anywhere. Yes he has problems but nothing that can't be fixed. The reason he is ordered help is because he was hospitalized for trying to kill himself while intoxicated. SO does any of this have a leg in court?

 

[birdbrain53]

OP, regarding the harassment and stalking. Make a journal & take photos, keep his emails and then after a couple of months, go back to court and get a restraining order.

If he breaks the RO then have him arrested and go back to court for contempt for breaking the RO.