changing school rights in custody issue

[pittrocks]

Also, Dad's brother has 2 other kids at home and is on-call nearly every weekend for his job (IT), and his wife wouldn't let him be gone for 4 days every week, not happening. The 12 year old cousin of course is old enough to attend camp without adult...not my son, at least not residential camp at this point.

 

[LdiJ]

Also, Dad's brother has 2 other kids at home and is on-call nearly every weekend for his job (IT), and his wife wouldn't let him be gone for 4 days every week, not happening. The 12 year old cousin of course is old enough to attend camp without adult...not my son, at least not residential camp at this point.

Tell dad that you don't agree, let the cub scouts know that you don't agree...force it so that dad has to take you to court if he wants the child to attend. I very much doubt that a judge would agree that for 4 days every week, all summer long, that sleep away camp would be in a 7 year old's best interest.

Dad obviously has no real interest in his children, otherwise he wouldn't want to be shipping his son away, for the whole summer, for basically all of his parenting time.

 

[pittrocks]

I agree

I told Dad in email that I do not agree with shipping son off every week.
I have not received a reply as of yet.
I think it's hilarious that Dad won't pay his share of medical and dental expenses, but is more than willing to shell out money for this camp.

Of course, his spending priorities are always off-base...that's why he has to live with his mother!

I feel bad for the kids...today I did offer Dad that if he couldn't take the responsibility for his days, I could take over full physical custody and he could have every other weekend with midweek dinners and extended summer time.

Like I said, haven't heard back yet. I know it sounds petty, but I think he needs to either be there for his kids for the day-to-day stuff, or he should just be a "Disneyland Dad".

 

[stealth2]

I was going to a month-long sleep-away camp at 7 - most of the kids started at 5. A lot of my kids friends were going to Scout camps (sleep-away) at that age - and had a really excellent time. I would have sent mine if not for them going to their Dad's for the summer.

A lot depends on the kid - many love it. Probably more than don't.

 

[pittrocks]

I would have no problem with it if it were only for a week or maybe even a month...NOT the whole summer.
I myself went to residential Girl Scout camp several times and loved it.
Son has ADHD and is a little socially immature; I'm working on behavioral/social skills with him. Dad's way is to plop him in front of TV or video games. I think by next year son could do residential camp for longer periods, just not this year.
Dad has shown such a track record of having other people pick up his slack...

If I knew that Dad had the best interest of son in mind with this, I would feel better about it. But he hasn't ever had the best interests of the kids in mind from the minute we split up.

 

[LdiJ]

I would have no problem with it if it were only for a week or maybe even a month...NOT the whole summer.
I myself went to residential Girl Scout camp several times and loved it.
Son has ADHD and is a little socially immature; I'm working on behavioral/social skills with him. Dad's way is to plop him in front of TV or video games. I think by next year son could do residential camp for longer periods, just not this year.
Dad has shown such a track record of having other people pick up his slack...

If I knew that Dad had the best interest of son in mind with this, I would feel better about it. But he hasn't ever had the best interests of the kids in mind from the minute we split up.

My sister and I both went to the same sleep away camp for two weeks in the summer when I was just 11 and she was 9 1/2. We were both miserable and homesick the entire time and our parents never did it again.

Every child is different, but I honestly can't imagine sending a 7 year old to sleep away camp 4 days a week (or even every other week) for an entire summer. Particularly when that's the time that the child is supposed to spend with dad.

Maybe a 12 year old would enjoy it if he got to be with both mom and dad the other 3 days of the week...but I cannot imagine a 7 year old being anything other than miserable.

 

[pittrocks]

Ex deployed AGAIN; best interests of kids to keep 50/50?

Hey all, hope you guys are well...been so busy lately haven't checked in...

Kids are doing well, now in 2nd and 3rd grade, in my school district...ADHD son doing well in baseball (trying out a sport that teaches real life skills).

Got question for you guys and tell me what you think.

Ex got deployed again (Reserves). He left April 1st. Gave me no notice, but that's what he always does. Kid's dental coverage got cut off; they have Tricare medical but he didn't elect to pay for their dental, which he is required to provide under support order. Oh well. Plus I had to track down Domestic Relations and DFAS to make sure child support was sent to me while he has been gone...course he was mad in August when payments started coming to me but too bad.

He is stateside somewhere and gets to talk to the kids every night. He also came back on leave for a couple of times and got to have the kids then. I have been giving his mother occasional weekend visits with the kids (remember, he lives with her and she was doing all the pickups and everything while he was off who knows where) so they have maintained a good relationship with her. Anyway, I think he is coming back in a few weeks.
That's what the kids say, he never tells me what he is doing. I usually get a text from him 2 days before he shows up.

This is the 2nd deployment in 2 years. He had told the judge that he wasn't deployable anymore. Guess that was a lie, or he was misinformed. He is in the Navy Reserves and travels extensively for that, as well as his civilian job. His past history has been to go out of town on his custody time and leave the kids with his mother while I don't know about it. A couple of times he actually let me know his plans, but most of the time he doesn't. I find out later that he has done this. He has been told by the judge that he can't do this. There is no ROFR in the order and I haven't sought one yet.

I am thinking that the kids need more structure than what he is providing, and with his history of deployments/work travel/etc, and his propensity for leaving the kids with his mother on his custody time, that I should petition to have custody changed, with myself as primary and keeping the kids from Mon through Friday and he can have every other weekend and 3 weeks in the summer along with the current holiday schedule. I wouldn't ask for more child support; lots of times I don't get the right amount anyway!
Right now the kids are with me Mon through Weds evening and he has then Weds night through Friday morning.

I also had to leave my job during the summer because he told me he couldn't or wouldn't pay for half of summer care/camp. Now I am at home and the kids aren't in a before/after school program. He told me that he wants to enroll them and have me pay half, which would be my responsibility if the care were necessary. I told him that I would be happy to watch them on his Thursdays and every other Fridays and that way we wouldn't have to pay for anything; I guess he wants to have to spend money just to make me pay also? 2 days a week is the minimum enrollment and it's over $300 per month. I thought that if one parent was willing and able to watch the child on a custody day that isn't theirs, that the court would prefer that over paying for childcare? It doesn't seem necessary to me. I am wondering if he wants to use the program so I won't know that he's not doing the pickups (I knew that anyway because I would see his mother's signature on the signout logs; does he think I am dumb???).

Anyway, just wanted to get your thoughts....I am wondering if this is worth pursuing in court. I think he would take me to court to try to make me pay for half of the before/after school program.

 

[LdiJ]

If he is not actually with the children during his weekday custody time then yes, it would be worth pursuing. Spending time with extended family is important but not 50% of the children's time.

 

[mistoffolees]

Hey all, hope you guys are well...been so busy lately haven't checked in...

Kids are doing well, now in 2nd and 3rd grade, in my school district...ADHD son doing well in baseball (trying out a sport that teaches real life skills).

Got question for you guys and tell me what you think.

Ex got deployed again (Reserves). He left April 1st. Gave me no notice, but that's what he always does. Kid's dental coverage got cut off; they have Tricare medical but he didn't elect to pay for their dental, which he is required to provide under support order. Oh well. Plus I had to track down Domestic Relations and DFAS to make sure child support was sent to me while he has been gone...course he was mad in August when payments started coming to me but too bad.

If he is not following the court order on dental coverage, then you can go to court to have him found in contempt. Or, if there are dental bills that would have been covered by insurance, you can ask the court to order him to pay 100% of the amount that would have been covered if he had left the policy in place.

He is stateside somewhere and gets to talk to the kids every night. He also came back on leave for a couple of times and got to have the kids then. I have been giving his mother occasional weekend visits with the kids (remember, he lives with her and she was doing all the pickups and everything while he was off who knows where) so they have maintained a good relationship with her. Anyway, I think he is coming back in a few weeks.
That's what the kids say, he never tells me what he is doing. I usually get a text from him 2 days before he shows up.

As before, you can enforce the existing visitation order. It's a court order, not a suggestion. You don't HAVE to allow visitation any time other than what the court order says. But if it's in the court order, you have to allow it even if he only gives you 10 minutes notice (unless the order requires advance notice).

However, you might want to be a little more flexible. He's serving his country and may not know far in advance when he's going to be able to get away.

This is the 2nd deployment in 2 years. He had told the judge that he wasn't deployable anymore. Guess that was a lie, or he was misinformed.

Or maybe he believed it to be true at the time. People serving in the military have gotten a LOT of bad surprises in the past 10 years. Why do you automatically assume the worst?

He is in the Navy Reserves and travels extensively for that, as well as his civilian job. His past history has been to go out of town on his custody time and leave the kids with his mother while I don't know about it. A couple of times he actually let me know his plans, but most of the time he doesn't. I find out later that he has done this. He has been told by the judge that he can't do this. There is no ROFR in the order and I haven't sought one yet.

Once again, you can enforce the court order. If the judge says that he's not allowed to leave the kids with grandma, then you can file for contempt. But if it's not in the court order, you have to allow it.

So what's the problem about the kids seeing their grandmother once in a while?

I am thinking that the kids need more structure than what he is providing, and with his history of deployments/work travel/etc, and his propensity for leaving the kids with his mother on his custody time, that I should petition to have custody changed, with myself as primary and keeping the kids from Mon through Friday and he can have every other weekend and 3 weeks in the summer along with the current holiday schedule. I wouldn't ask for more child support; lots of times I don't get the right amount anyway!
Right now the kids are with me Mon through Weds evening and he has then Weds night through Friday morning.

You're not making any sense. First, you claim that he only sees the kids sporadically, but then you say that he has them Wednesday night through Friday morning every week. And if he's deployed, how is changing the schedule going to improve things?

I really think you should stop looking for ways to hurt your ex and should sit down with him and work out a schedule that the two of you can live with and which gives him an appropriate amount of time with the kids. And you need to understand that any schedule is going to be disrupted when he's deployed. If you make this about the kids rather than your desire to punish your ex, you might be better able to come to an agreement.

Beyond that, how do you expect strangers on the internet to be able to tell you what's best for your kids? (Oh, btw, if you and ex can't reach an agreement, that's what's going to happen - a stranger (the judge) will make decisions that control everyone's life).

I also had to leave my job during the summer because he told me he couldn't or wouldn't pay for half of summer care/camp. Now I am at home and the kids aren't in a before/after school program. He told me that he wants to enroll them and have me pay half, which would be my responsibility if the care were necessary. I told him that I would be happy to watch them on his Thursdays and every other Fridays and that way we wouldn't have to pay for anything; I guess he wants to have to spend money just to make me pay also? 2 days a week is the minimum enrollment and it's over $300 per month. I thought that if one parent was willing and able to watch the child on a custody day that isn't theirs, that the court would prefer that over paying for childcare? It doesn't seem necessary to me. I am wondering if he wants to use the program so I won't know that he's not doing the pickups (I knew that anyway because I would see his mother's signature on the signout logs; does he think I am dumb???).

The court doesn't care what you think. They only care what the orders say. So go by the court orders if you can't reach an agreement.

Note also that you're story is still falling apart. While claiming the the only sees the kids sporadically, you state that he should be watching them most of the week?

Anyway, just wanted to get your thoughts....I am wondering if this is worth pursuing in court. I think he would take me to court to try to make me pay for half of the before/after school program.

Why shouldn't you pay for 1/2 of the cost of programs for your kids?

 

[pittrocks]

I didn't mean to be confusing. I also didn't mean to come off as selfish.

He is currently deployed right now. When he is not deployed, he has the kids Weds night through Friday morning. I haven't had a problem with his mother spending occasional time with the kids. She is also welcome to call them whenever she wants.

The issue is that even when he is local, he leaves the kids with his mother most of the time on his custody days, almost like a de facto custodian. Then when he travels out of town for his civilian job, he doesn't let me know, and the kids are with his mother on his time. This has happened time and time again. Politely reminding him doesn't work.

I am not bashing him for serving his country. I am simply thinking that the back-and-forth during the school year may not be in their best interests.
So that's why I was thinking of having them all week, with him having every other weekend and extra time in the summer. This way he could get his priorities in line.

As far as trying to enforce his portion of dental coverage, I am sort of up a creek. I took him to small claims a couple of years ago for something similar and they weren't able to serve him (his mother lied to constable and told them he didn't live there; hence they told me they won't go back out to that address, and he works in Philadelphia so they won't go there). I have submitted things through Domestic Relations, but haven't really got anywhere.

When he returns, I would have no problem paying my share of necessary before/after school care. However, it's not really necessary right now. If I were working outside the home, then yes, it would be necessary for both parties. As it stands, the only day he would need care for is Thursday and every other Friday. A few years ago, I was home during the day and he was more than happy to save $$ on childcare then. I watched the kids on his days. Granted, he was late for pickups a lot, but that goes with the territory.

I admit that I assume the worst because he has a history of repeated deception, etc.

 

[pittrocks]

school rights UPDATE

OK, Dad returned from deployment. Things going OK, as well as can be expected when dealing with a narcissist, but oh well.

Kids are glad he's back of course, which is great. He unfortunately has gone back to having his mother doing all the pick-ups and drop-offs, whether it's from my house or the school after care program. (We did come to an agreement that if he utilized care on his days, he would be solely responsible since I am home and volunteered to help him with that for free.) He also continues to call my house to talk to the kids on his own custody day, he forgets. "OOPS" he says.

Now he told me that next year he wants to change schools back to his district because there was one rating his district had that was higher than mine. Never mind that the kids have been there for 3-4 years already.

AARGH. Is this guy for real? I told him no way and he can take me to court.

 

[mistoffolees]

OK, Dad returned from deployment. Things going OK, as well as can be expected when dealing with a narcissist, but oh well.

Kids are glad he's back of course, which is great. He unfortunately has gone back to having his mother doing all the pick-ups and drop-offs, whether it's from my house or the school after care program. (We did come to an agreement that if he utilized care on his days, he would be solely responsible since I am home and volunteered to help him with that for free.) He also continues to call my house to talk to the kids on his own custody day, he forgets. "OOPS" he says.

Now he told me that next year he wants to change schools back to his district because there was one rating his district had that was higher than mine. Never mind that the kids have been there for 3-4 years already.

AARGH. Is this guy for real? I told him no way and he can take me to court.

Just ignore him. That's the best way to deal with someone who makes unreasonable demands. If he takes you to court, deal with it then. Insist on following the court order to the letter.

And then stop worrying every time he opens his mouth.

 

[pittrocks]

Yeah, I know...this was more of a vent, thank you guys for reading.

I am going to drink more wine now.


Guess I should be happy that I can afford my attorney!