Had the DNA swab today :(

[Nicaho]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Indiana

So I went to court today for the test. As I was sitting by mom, she was telling me that I could just admit paternity like some of the other couples that went before us. I have been torn for a long time as to what the right thing to do is. I really believe that she is my daughter. Is getting the test done some type of denial??

Mom is mad because we dont go back to court til Aug so she has to go 3 more months without child support. I tried to buy diapers and wipes in the past but she wanted cash and told me not to get diapers anymore. What a mess!

When I told the judge I wanted the DNA test, mom just had a smirky laugh in front of the judge. When our daughter was getting swabbed and crying she just looked so mad at me for putting her thru that. And then as we were walking out of the court house she says to me "so you are denying that she is yours?" I said thats not it at all but what I felt was the right thing to do. She then told me that she will see me again in Aug and that I can't see the baby anymore. I have seen her 3 times a week for 3 months and now she is taking that away from me. I know she has every legal right to do that but doesn't make it hurt any less

Any advice would be greatly appreciated as always

 

[WittyUserName]

FWIW, I think you're doing the right thing. Mom will get over it, and the baby isn't traumatized. I wasn't thrilled about having one done either but I do understand the need to have things confirmed. Hang in there. Don't let Mom's anger keep you from doing the legally correct thing for that little girl.

 

[Gracie3787]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Indiana

So I went to court today for the test. As I was sitting by mom, she was telling me that I could just admit paternity like some of the other couples that went before us. I have been torn for a long time as to what the right thing to do is. I really believe that she is my daughter. Is getting the test done some type of denial??

Mom is mad because we dont go back to court til Aug so she has to go 3 more months without child support. I tried to buy diapers and wipes in the past but she wanted cash and told me not to get diapers anymore. What a mess!

When I told the judge I wanted the DNA test, mom just had a smirky laugh in front of the judge. When our daughter was getting swabbed and crying she just looked so mad at me for putting her thru that. And then as we were walking out of the court house she says to me "so you are denying that she is yours?" I said thats not it at all but what I felt was the right thing to do. She then told me that she will see me again in Aug and that I can't see the baby anymore. I have seen her 3 times a week for 3 months and now she is taking that away from me. I know she has every legal right to do that but doesn't make it hurt any less

Any advice would be greatly appreciated as always

Asking for a DNA test is your legal option and in no way does it mean that you are trying to deny being the father. Don't let what she said worry you. As for your daughter crying when the swab was done, I'm sure that she also cries when her Mom doesn't give her a food she wants, tells her no, etc. Kids cry, and having the mouth swabbed does NOT hurt at all.

Personally, I would love it if DNA tests were required for ALL court actions, even in divorces.

BTW- The Judge might order retro support, so you should begin setting some money aside now to pay it when it is ordered. Until then, DO NOT give Mom any money, you might not be able to get credit for it towards any retro support ordered.

 

[Nicaho]

Asking for a DNA test is your legal option and in no way does it mean that you are trying to deny being the father. Don't let what she said worry you. As for your daughter crying when the swab was done, I'm sure that she also cries when her Mom doesn't give her a food she wants, tells her no, etc. Kids cry, and having the mouth swabbed does NOT hurt at all.

Personally, I would love it if DNA tests were required for ALL court actions, even in divorces.

BTW- The Judge might order retro support, so you should begin setting some money aside now to pay it when it is ordered. Until then, DO NOT give Mom any money, you might not be able to get credit for it towards any retro support ordered.

I have been saving money and that was the reason I was doing it. I know that not everything that is legal is "right" but now that is is in the courts hands then I guess leagl is the way to go. This is just very hard on me. I know she is mad right now and maybe I still will get to see her soon. It's hard on the heart going 2-3 days without seeing her so no idea how its going to go if I have to wait months I know eventually it would have been weeks but this is the time I was trying to build my bond. I dunno....just lost

 

[nextwife]

Think of it this way: getting the test is a legal way to protect another man if he is the father and not prevent him from having the right to parent his child. Nor prevent the child from knowing their father.

 

[masopa]

I was in a very similar situation with my son's mother 7 years ago.

We were in a very brief "relationship" and in my situation I really wasn't sure at all that my son was mine. I began a schedule of visitation with him as soon as he was born, but when we started going through the court process his mother refused to let me see him at all. When the court process started she started not letting me see him, including at the DNA test, she wouldn't even let me hold him for a minute (whose great idea it was that we all go at the same time, I don't know). Following the DNA test, a court date was set for more than 3 months out.

I, with the help of my lawyer, wrote a letter to the judge assigned to the case, asking for the court date to be moved up because I felt like I had established a relationship with my son, and that we would both suffer if there were a interruption of several months.

The judge apparently agreed and moved the court date up by two months (which by that time was only a few weeks away). I ended up with joint placement (50/50) and joint custody.

 

[sometwo]

Its a good thing that your doing all this now. Better to get it done and over with so there will be no question about it and mother can't question it later or anyone else. It will be better for the child. I wish it was available like it is now when I was born. I think it should always be done.

 

[Nicaho]

I was in a very similar situation with my son's mother 7 years ago.

We were in a very brief "relationship" and in my situation I really wasn't sure at all that my son was mine. I began a schedule of visitation with him as soon as he was born, but when we started going through the court process his mother refused to let me see him at all. When the court process started she started not letting me see him, including at the DNA test, she wouldn't even let me hold him for a minute (whose great idea it was that we all go at the same time, I don't know). Following the DNA test, a court date was set for more than 3 months out.

I, with the help of my lawyer, wrote a letter to the judge assigned to the case, asking for the court date to be moved up because I felt like I had established a relationship with my son, and that we would both suffer if there were a interruption of several months.

The judge apparently agreed and moved the court date up by two months (which by that time was only a few weeks away). I ended up with joint placement (50/50) and joint custody.

I plan on getting a lawyer ASAP. Maybe something like this will work for me and thanks for your words.

Maybe mom will change her way but I doubt it. She kept telling me that she would never keep me from seeing our daughter. I was afraid when she first found out that I was filing for paternity that this might happen. It didnt and so I wasnt even expecting this today. I dont really know what to say right now my head is all jumbled up but still a thanks to everyone and their input

 

[CJane]

I plan on getting a lawyer ASAP. Maybe something like this will work for me and thanks for your words.

Don't count on it. You've been told a billion times that you have NO SHOT at 50/50 placement w/out Mom's agreement.

And you can't "write a letter" to the judge. The other poster's attorney filed a motion to be heard sooner - that's NOT the same thing.

I, frankly, don't understand the drama surrounding DNA tests. I WANTED my son's father to have one done rather than him signing the AOP and HE was offended - all kinds of ticked off that I would even imply that he might "try to deny" the child. Of course, a couple of months later, when I filed for child support, THEN he wanted the DNA test. At that point, he got to pay for it too.

 

[Nicaho]

Don't count on it. You've been told a billion times that you have NO SHOT at 50/50 placement w/out Mom's agreement.

And you can't "write a letter" to the judge. The other poster's attorney filed a motion to be heard sooner - that's NOT the same thing.

I, frankly, don't understand the drama surrounding DNA tests. I WANTED my son's father to have one done rather than him signing the AOP and HE was offended - all kinds of ticked off that I would even imply that he might "try to deny" the child. Of course, a couple of months later, when I filed for child support, THEN he wanted the DNA test. At that point, he got to pay for it too.

I've never once asked about 50/50....EVER. It just sounded good about the letter and getting it moved up a little sooner. And I said MIGHT not would work for me. Now that I know it won't then whatever. I'm still going to get the atty though. Geez---

 

[masopa]

And you can't "write a letter" to the judge. The other poster's attorney filed a motion to be heard sooner - that's NOT the same thing.

Just to be stubborn, it was a letter, not a motion. Similarly, I have a court date tomorrow that was originally set for the 28th of this month. My attorney wrote a letter requesting the date be moved up (due to the nature of the hearing) and it was.

 

[CourtClerk]

Just to be stubborn, it was a letter, not a motion. Similarly, I have a court date tomorrow that was originally set for the 28th of this month. My attorney wrote a letter requesting the date be moved up (due to the nature of the hearing) and it was.

And to add clarity, you can't be sure WHO read and responded to that letter. My judge gets mail everyday he doesn't see. Letters asking him to do stuff. All responded to in one way or another... by me.

 

[Nicaho]

Just a quick update: Its been a week since court and mom has not let me seen my daughter. I wrote an email a couple days later and she called me back. She seems to be most mad because she is not going to get support until August. She still thinks me getting the test done is denial of my daughter which is not it at all. She seems to think that a judge is going to think that when we go back. She says she will only do what is best for her kids. Well, if she knows 100% without a doubt that I am the father then why would she keep her daughter from me. I tried to tell her that by the time we go back that the bond we have will be gone and I will be a stranger entering her life and starting from scratch. I'm hoping that I will be able to take her on my own by that time but I'm thinking I may have to wait and rebuild the bond before I am allowed. So it may end up being a year until I get that alone time. Who knows. I am very heart broken and miss not getting to see her but I know this is for the best and in the bigger picture will provide for more stability. Definitely not easy though

 

[CJane]

How long are the results supposed to take?

When we had the DNA done on my son, his sample was collected on 9/09 and the results were in my email on 9/18. They were submitted to the court/CSE/his attorney the same day.

Once the results are in, presuming this is your child, file a motion to request an earlier than August hearing. Might not be possible, but it's worth a shot.

Mom has every right to feel that you're "denying" the child. In a way, you are. I'm not saying you're in the wrong, I'm a HUGE believer in DNA testing for paternity, but Mom's FEELINGS are valid.

If you go 3.5 months without contact with the child, it's VERY likely that you'll "start over" with the IPTG. Best you assume that to be the case, and be pleasantly surprised if it is not.

 

[Nicaho]

How long are the results supposed to take?

When we had the DNA done on my son, his sample was collected on 9/09 and the results were in my email on 9/18. They were submitted to the court/CSE/his attorney the same day.

Once the results are in, presuming this is your child, file a motion to request an earlier than August hearing. Might not be possible, but it's worth a shot.

Mom has every right to feel that you're "denying" the child. In a way, you are. I'm not saying you're in the wrong, I'm a HUGE believer in DNA testing for paternity, but Mom's FEELINGS are valid.

If you go 3.5 months without contact with the child, it's VERY likely that you'll "start over" with the IPTG. Best you assume that to be the case, and be pleasantly surprised if it is not.

The judge just said that we would get the results back at the next hearing which is the first week in August.

I understand moms feelings. I've tried to tell her though that it's not a denial and that I do believe she is my daughter. I think it's only fair for all 3 of us to know 100% without a doubt that I am. I know for a fact that mom has made mention that she doesn't know 100%.

Yea I am going to assume the worst. I think it's possible for mom to change her mind and let me see her but I know it wont be the 3 days a week. I can only hope for that. I would take one day and one hour a week. Of course not what I want but something is better than nothing.

I do not regret not just admitting paternity and I think it would have been for the wrong reason just to say it to be able to see my daughter. I thought mom was going to keep her from me when she found out I filed a month and a half ago but she didnt and at least I got that time to spend with her. I took lots of pics and videos so looking back on those will help just a little.