Child Custody battle in California

[scarlet6]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

I am the mother. Our son is now 19 months old. Since he was about 2 months he has been doing overnight visitation with his dad every weekend. Even though I was very apprehensive about it (overnights) I continued to allow it because he told me that if I ever tried to change it he would go for more custody. Plus, I was a stay-at-home mom and student so our schedule allowed more leniancy. Weekends weren't so bad since our son was with me all week.

A year and a half down the line, which is where we are now, I am taking him to court for request of modification. I am finishing my internship, and then will be soon working. My son hardly sees me at all now. I am requesting that our order be changed to his father having every other weekend and a day during the week. I would be okay with one night during the week, but his work schedule doesn't allow it (he is a police officer who works 4 on/3 off at swing shift) I feel what I am asking is reasonable because that would give our son equal bonding time with both of us since our schedules now have the same days off. His father is fighting me now for MORE time which I don't feel is right. First reason being he never wanted our son in the beginning. Second reason, I feel he is only doing it because he wants to lower the support, plus his girlfriend is staying in his home the entire weekend our son is there. There are a lot of emotions involved which I am coming to terms with (seeing a counselor). However, in the mean time he and his attorney are trying to back me in a corner by postponing the date, etc... he is trying to present me as an emotionally/unstable parent. He put in our papers that I am intrusive showing at his residence (not true) and he also put in the papers that he and his girlfriend are providing a stable loving relationship and environment which is only beneficial to our son, and that our son is better off in his home because he has a better job and a house. He is also trying to say that our son should be having more visitation with him since I have our son in daycare (as if I'm dumping him off in daycare) His schedule is not consistent with court and all. He is asking for more days, but he wouldnt even be watching our son-he would just be shuffling our son back and forth to the grandparents or leaving him with the girlfriend. I would think that the courts would not favor that, right? I don't feel it is fair that now I am the one fighting for my son when he and his family originally wanted to write us off.

So my question is can any of these tactics/accusations from his father be grounds for more custody with his father? And if so, would there be any recommendations as to prepare myself for our hearing coming up. And, for reference, our mediator made the recommendation that we now have joint custody, but that the visitation schedule stay the same. In addition, she added my concerns on how our sons father refuses to co-parent with me. Also, is it true that courts favor the mother?

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

I am the mother. Our son is now 19 months old. Since he was about 2 months he has been doing overnight visitation with his dad every weekend. Even though I was very apprehensive about it (overnights) I continued to allow it because he told me that if I ever tried to change it he would go for more custody. Plus, I was a stay-at-home mom and student so our schedule allowed more leniancy. Weekends weren't so bad since our son was with me all week.

A year and a half down the line, which is where we are now, I am taking him to court for request of modification. I am finishing my internship, and then will be soon working. My son hardly sees me at all now. I am requesting that our order be changed to his father having every other weekend and a day during the week. I would be okay with one night during the week, but his work schedule doesn't allow it (he is a police officer who works 4 on/3 off at swing shift) I feel what I am asking is reasonable because that would give our son equal bonding time with both of us since our schedules now have the same days off. His father is fighting me now for MORE time which I don't feel is right. First reason being he never wanted our son in the beginning. Second reason, I feel he is only doing it because he wants to lower the support, plus his girlfriend is staying in his home the entire weekend our son is there. There are a lot of emotions involved which I am coming to terms with (seeing a counselor). However, in the mean time he and his attorney are trying to back me in a corner by postponing the date, etc... he is trying to present me as an emotionally/unstable parent. He put in our papers that I am intrusive showing at his residence (not true) and he also put in the papers that he and his girlfriend are providing a stable loving relationship and environment which is only beneficial to our son, and that our son is better off in his home because he has a better job and a house. He is also trying to say that our son should be having more visitation with him since I have our son in daycare (as if I'm dumping him off in daycare) His schedule is not consistent with court and all. He is asking for more days, but he wouldnt even be watching our son-he would just be shuffling our son back and forth to the grandparents or leaving him with the girlfriend. I would think that the courts would not favor that, right? I don't feel it is fair that now I am the one fighting for my son when he and his family originally wanted to write us off.

So my question is can any of these tactics/accusations from his father be grounds for more custody with his father? And if so, would there be any recommendations as to prepare myself for our hearing coming up. And, for reference, our mediator made the recommendation that we now have joint custody, but that the visitation schedule stay the same. In addition, she added my concerns on how our sons father refuses to co-parent with me. Also, is it true that courts favor the mother?

Dad has to prove any accusation that he makes.

The mediators recommendations will carry a significant amount of weight in court...particularly the fact that dad refuses to co-parent with you.

Courts don't favor the mother. They tend to favor the parent who has been the child's primary caretaker. In many cases, that ends up being the mother.

 

[stealth2]

Of course, the mediator also recommended that visitation stay AS IT IS (i.e., Dad gets every weekend).

 

[ecmst12]

You were never married to dad so the court will not likely care that he has a girlfriend.

You sound like good candidates for a true 50-50 schedule if you can just get along with each other. One week on, one week off. No child support needed, and you both get absolutely equal time so (in theory) nothing to fight over.

 

[stealth2]

He is also trying to say that our son should be having more visitation with him since I have our son in daycare (as if I'm dumping him off in daycare) His schedule is not consistent with court and all. He is asking for more days, but he wouldnt even be watching our son-he would just be shuffling our son back and forth to the grandparents or leaving him with the girlfriend. I would think that the courts would not favor that, right?

Why would the courts be MORE in favor of the child being left with strangers instead of, say, grandparents? Your argument makes no sense. Dad won't have the child himself but leave him with grandparents (or his g/f), so it's better to leave the child in daycare. YOU are not providing the care, either. Same thing.

 

[MichaCA]

You should ask the judge that you have every other weekend. Explain the changes in your life with work, and that you have little time now with son. Is there really no way he can care for the child mid-week...even a dinner time...or an overnight? Because that would make your request so much more workable.

I am NOT saying your request will over-ride the mediators' recommendations...in fact, that are usually followed. However, there is a precedence also of each parent being able to spend weekends with their children. So ask/request that of the judge. Worst thing that can happen is you get a no.

Fathers claims he has a better home should not hold any weight. BOTH of you provide stable, loving homes and that is what the child needs. So thats not a card dad should be playing to get more time.

As far as daycare issue...focus on what dads' schedule and availability is...and that he CANNOT provide childcare during the day.

 

[PQN]

While the dad may be able to argue that the grandparents are a better choice as daycare providers, he shouldn't be able to win that argument with regards to his girlfriend (even if she becomes his wife, she is a legal stranger). An accredited day care provider should outrank current bed buddy.

 

[stealth2]

Should, but might not. A lot depends on how Mom presents it.

 

[Zephyr]

And mom should also ask for FROR...that way if she is available and dad is at work, kiddo comes to her and vice versa---that would probably address most of their arguments about the schedule anyway

 

[scarlet6]

Thank you all so much for your words. I have already requested right of first refusal, and have also offered on many occasions that Dad watch our son before daycare, but it is not consistent (which i plan to explain to the judge) Like I mentioned he either has court, and when his family used to watch our son, that was inconsistent as well. There were 3 times which i logged that no one was at the door when i brought him causing me to miss class. He only goes to his in home family daycare (about 5 kids only) full time days, but only on tue/thu/and every other friday. Originally, before my internship began, i had a choice on my lab days which i consulted with Dad on in efforts to have our son be with his dad when i go to school. But, I kept getting the run-around/ambiguous answers as to when and what his new schedule would be. So when class started I was left with no other choice but the days given. Being that I am a child development major, yes i do plan to present his daycare provider in a good way. She is wonderful and spends one-on-one time with our son. I can tell in how much she knows about my son...things a person could only know by spending quality time with him.

As I finish my bachelorette program, I would like to do an online program so i could still go back to stay-at-home mom. Would it be for me, or against me to do that in regards to getting what I requested? Or would it look better that I explain to the judge that im finishing my internship/bachelors program while receiving financial aid, and show job offers, and explain that I am now looking for work?. I appreciate opinions, however I do not agree it is in a one-and-a-half child's best interest to have 50/50 custody (sharing every other whole week).

 

[Knowalot]

Daycare in CA

My experience is that in California it would be very unusual for a Judge to make an order involving non-parties (girlfriend and/or grandparents). If the grandparents decide they are going away for a vacation on the spur of the moment, mom has no daycare and no time to plan for any. Ditto with girlfriend being the daycare provider.

 

[scarlet6]

Thank you. Really, I do not feel it sets a healthy environment with his family interacting with me/watching our son. It's hard enough that me and his father are not together, but there are obvious biases amongst his family. Our son can tell when things are "off" or that we are not getting along. Quite honestly, I feel much healthier in my decision not to have them provide care. There comes a point where it's the only way to separate myself from the situation to where there is no more negativity. It is not fair for my son to feel like he is in the middle. Some people may feel our son is too young to experience that, however I beg to differ. In my opinion based on experiences, children of all ages can sense tension, anger, hurt (verbal or nonverbal) I am grateful that his father and I have never argued to the point of verbally bashing each other. It seems that the non-verbal communication can be even worse at times. I know our son can pick up on it. When we went to mediation, the mediator discussed a list of excellent co-parenting tips. Tips that I am proud to say I was already trying to do with him, but he insisted that my ideas were not rational. And even after the mediator talked about them, he still insisted that these co-parenting ideas are just a generalization for children ages 5 and older.

 

[ecmst12]

As far as I'm concerned, it's always best FOR THE CHILD to spend as close to equal time with both parents as possible. You want him to really feel like he is home at both places, not home at one and visiting the other. That can make a huge difference to a child, even at a very young age.

 

[LdiJ]

As far as I'm concerned, it's always best FOR THE CHILD to spend as close to equal time with both parents as possible. You want him to really feel like he is home at both places, not home at one and visiting the other. That can make a huge difference to a child, even at a very young age.

While I don't disagree with you at all, the reality of things is that kids in 50/50 situations often feel like they have no home at all. They often feel like visitors in BOTH homes...particularly if there are other children in the homes who don't have to "switch".

That can actually be very damaging to the children. It honestly depends on the overall dynamics of the situation.

For some children, one place that is "home" is often better, psychologically.

In my opinion there is no set solution for what is best for any child if the parents cannot be together. In my opinion what is best for children is based on what is best for an individual child.