Reality check, please?

[DecisionTime]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

I would have posted in my recent parenting thread but it is locked? I could use a reality check or some co-parenting advice, please.

To recap: just switched to 5-5-2-2 parenting plan for 3 year old. Ex finished his 5 nights yesterday and I began mine. Transition night is always a little difficult as the rules are very different between his house and mine. I know it's chalked up to "parenting differences", but I get so frustrated and don't know how to handle things with him.

Ex rented a 2 br apt but has set up his computer in the second room instead of setting it up as our daughter's room. Her bed is right next to his and she sleeps either with him or in her bed. I know, parenting difference.

Ex doesn't enforce bedtime and will let her stay up till 10:00/10:30. He has told me this. I know, parenting difference.

Ex will stay with her in her room holding her hand until she falls asleep, whereas I (and before, when we were an intact family) tuck her in, kiss her goodnight and expect her to fall asleep alone (and she does, as soon as the first transition night is behind us). I know, parenting difference.

I am doing the same things I did when we were together, but he has completely relaxed every boundary and leaves it to her to dictate. She's gone from sleeping independently at a reasonable bedtime (8:30) to being all over the map. It's so hard on her to have such inconsistency at this age. Ex agrees but won't actually do anything. She is SO tired when I get her on the start of my time with her.

I'm so frustrated with getting this tired, cranky, clingy child back to me every time we switch. I spend all my time working on getting her rested and hand her back, only to start over again. I'm committed to 50/50 but I really do think consistency and sleep are important. I know I'm short on options, but could really use some ideas. Do I have to just suck this up?

 

[Artemis_ofthe_Hunt]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

I would have posted in my recent parenting thread but it is locked? I could use a reality check or some co-parenting advice, please.

To recap: just switched to 5-5-2-2 parenting plan for 3 year old. Ex finished his 5 nights yesterday and I began mine. Transition night is always a little difficult as the rules are very different between his house and mine. I know it's chalked up to "parenting differences", but I get so frustrated and don't know how to handle things with him.

Ex rented a 2 br apt but has set up his computer in the second room instead of setting it up as our daughter's room. Her bed is right next to his and she sleeps either with him or in her bed. I know, parenting difference.

Ex doesn't enforce bedtime and will let her stay up till 10:00/10:30. He has told me this. I know, parenting difference.

Ex will stay with her in her room holding her hand until she falls asleep, whereas I (and before, when we were an intact family) tuck her in, kiss her goodnight and expect her to fall asleep alone (and she does, as soon as the first transition night is behind us). I know, parenting difference.

I am doing the same things I did when we were together, but he has completely relaxed every boundary and leaves it to her to dictate. She's gone from sleeping independently at a reasonable bedtime (8:30) to being all over the map. It's so hard on her to have such inconsistency at this age. Ex agrees but won't actually do anything. She is SO tired when I get her on the start of my time with her.

I'm so frustrated with getting this tired, cranky, clingy child back to me every time we switch. I spend all my time working on getting her rested and hand her back, only to start over again. I'm committed to 50/50 but I really do think consistency and sleep are important. I know I'm short on options, but could really use some ideas. Do I have to just suck this up?

Here's your reality check. While it would be nice to be able to have consistency in your (plural) time with your (again, plural) child, dad is allowed (barring any kind of abuse) to parent the way he sees fit, as do you.
There is nothing illegal, or even court worthy of what you have posted above to take it back to court, WHICH I am aware, you weren't asking.

 

[momofrose]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

Do I have to just suck this up?

In a word...YES

 

[MichaCA]

I go through the same thing (and since really young too)...it is so hard. Yes, you have to suck it up. Expect the transition days to be rough (and when there not its a bonus).

The best thing you can probably do is over time establish a friendly relationship with the dad, if thats possible.

Also, you can ASK dad if he's willing to do some coparent counseling with you for a while...to help you both get more on the same page.

Personally, surround yourself with a strong support system...people you can vent to over the years and who understand what your going through.

My exp right now, daughter is 11...is the transitions are much easier for her.

 

[ecmst12]

Kids are tougher then we think. She will adjust in time and it will get easier. She will learn about moms rules and dads rules and she will be totally fine in the long run.

 

[reportermom]

Hang in there and suck it up for now. It will get better as long as you work through it with her.

I had almost the exact problem with Little One that you are going through now, but I had her the bulk of the time.

It gets better with age. It also helps if you set a routine that you go through NO MATTER WHAT. It has to be exactly the same EVERY night you have her. Ours changes as Little One gets older, but has the exact same end. I give her a hug and a kiss, tell her I will see her in the morning, and then I walk to the doorway. We both say good night, blow a hug and a kiss, and then go through Potay-toe(her), Pota-to(me), tomay-toe(her), toma-to(me), Hamburger(her), hot dog(me), Then we say good night one more time. EVERY night.

I have also found that it helps, on the way home from pick up, to ask Little One many questions about what she did, if she had fun, where she went, etc, etc... until about 2 minutes before we get home. The last two minutes are used to remind her what we are going to do and how it is time for Mommy's rules now. The questions are not to find out what he does in his house. It is for her to be able to share and get everything out. If I don't ask her questions, she stays in the mindset of being at Dad's house. The actual answers to the questions don't matter. It is just share with Mommy time.

The whole routine has helped her to transition better. But I can see a difference if part of the routine gets skipped. The more consistent you are with all of your rules, the faster she will adjust to them. DON'T let her get away with anything because you feel guilty that she has to do the flopping back and forth. It only hurts her in the long run.

 

[futuredust]

Hang in there and suck it up for now. It will get better as long as you work through it with her.

I had almost the exact problem with Little One that you are going through now, but I had her the bulk of the time.

It gets better with age. It also helps if you set a routine that you go through NO MATTER WHAT. It has to be exactly the same EVERY night you have her. Ours changes as Little One gets older, but has the exact same end. I give her a hug and a kiss, tell her I will see her in the morning, and then I walk to the doorway. We both say good night, blow a hug and a kiss, and then go through Potay-toe(her), Pota-to(me), tomay-toe(her), toma-to(me), Hamburger(her), hot dog(me), Then we say good night one more time. EVERY night.

I have also found that it helps, on the way home from pick up, to ask Little One many questions about what she did, if she had fun, where she went, etc, etc... until about 2 minutes before we get home. The last two minutes are used to remind her what we are going to do and how it is time for Mommy's rules now. The questions are not to find out what he does in his house. It is for her to be able to share and get everything out. If I don't ask her questions, she stays in the mindset of being at Dad's house. The actual answers to the questions don't matter. It is just share with Mommy time.

The whole routine has helped her to transition better. But I can see a difference if part of the routine gets skipped. The more consistent you are with all of your rules, the faster she will adjust to them. DON'T let her get away with anything because you feel guilty that she has to do the flopping back and forth. It only hurts her in the long run.

I strongly disagree with this approach. Asking did you have fun is one thing, asking many questions about the where/who/what and why of a visit with her other parent can often times make a child feel like they are "tattling". Or worse, betraying another parent. It can lead to security issues later down the road. Allow your child to share what she wants when she wants, let her have her own time with dad that is hers alone.. Not reporting back to you everything you question.

 

[stealth2]

I agree with futuredust. I kept it to "Did you have fun with Dad? You did? Excellent! I'm really glad!" when they were young. They shared what they wanted to share, I commented noncommittally (WOW! That sounds so COOL/Exciting/Unbelieveable!). I shared some of what I did while they were away (usually boring stuff - cleaned XYZ room, pulled weeds and mowed the lawn, etc - and sometimes stuff that was fun for *me*, but wouldn't be so much for them - went to a movie (that they wouldn't have wanted to see) with ABC, curled up on the couch and read a book, etc.

 

[reportermom]

I strongly disagree with this approach. Asking did you have fun is one thing, asking many questions about the where/who/what and why of a visit with her other parent can often times make a child feel like they are "tattling". Or worse, betraying another parent. It can lead to security issues later down the road. Allow your child to share what she wants when she wants, let her have her own time with dad that is hers alone.. Not reporting back to you everything you question.

I agree with futuredust. I kept it to "Did you have fun with Dad? You did? Excellent! I'm really glad!" when they were young. They shared what they wanted to share, I commented noncommittally (WOW! That sounds so COOL/Exciting/Unbelieveable!). I shared some of what I did while they were away (usually boring stuff - cleaned XYZ room, pulled weeds and mowed the lawn, etc - and sometimes stuff that was fun for *me*, but wouldn't be so much for them - went to a movie (that they wouldn't have wanted to see) with ABC, curled up on the couch and read a book, etc.

Actually I tried that approach because of the advice I got here. I let Little One only tell me what she wanted after I asked her how her weekend was. I would only ask that one question and then let it drop. It back fired. We had many nights of coming back and her acting out at me, trying to hurt me. He had her convinced that she COULDN't share with me what she did at her Daddy's house. She thought she had to hide everything from me because her Daddy said so.

Little One was convinced that I hated her Dad so much that I didn't care about if she had a good visit. Her Dad has spent many of his visits filling her head full of ideas like, "Mommy doesn't love you. Mommy is just waiting for me to give her more money...etc, etc, etc.... So when I wouldn't ask about her weekend, she thought he was right.

Now I ask about everything. I don't care what she did. I don't care about what he did. Everything she did was awesome and I am always happy that she got to see so-and-so, even if I can't stand them. We have had many sessions of therapy for Little One to understand that I love her no matter what and her Daddy loves her, and she will never get in trouble for someone else's behavior, and it is okay to enjoy her time with each of us even if we don't get along.

It may sound like I am grilling her for details, but half the time I don't even remember the answers an hour later. The answers are not the important part, the process of transitioning is. So she can get back to our routine and my house rules. I usually only have to ask a few questions and she tells us what she did and how she had fun and then I don't have to worry about her acting out at me because she knows she can talk with me about anything, even if it happened at her Daddy's house.

 

[DecisionTime]

Thanks

I appreciate the feedback and tips. Reportermom, I understood your post clearly to mean you weren't fishing but instead "debriefing" as a way to clear the mental deck, so to speak.

I was at court with Dad today and he told me about some specific things he's working on to improve her sleep situation. I have to remember his pattern: argue with me, deny an issue, wind up doing what I requested but pretending it's his idea. Whatever works, I say!

 

[Silverplum]

I appreciate the feedback and tips. Reportermom, I understood your post clearly to mean you weren't fishing but instead "debriefing" as a way to clear the mental deck, so to speak.

I agree, and that's how I understood it as well.

Your D just needs to learn how to navigate the "Mom's House/Dad's House" thing. She'll get used to it, and later learn to exploit it.

There's a book by that name, "Mom's House/Dad's House." It, and others like it, can be helpful.

I was at court with Dad today and he told me about some specific things he's working on to improve her sleep situation. I have to remember his pattern: argue with me, deny an issue, wind up doing what I requested but pretending it's his idea. Whatever works, I say!

Yes! Remember his pattern -- that's a huuuge key to getting along and getting through.

 

[gr8rn]

OP, I just wanted to commend you for your approach here and overall attitude. So many posters are so negative when advise is given, and here you come,asking for a "reality check" You did good.

I really had nothing else to add. I go through the same things. My judge likes to order counseling. Lots of counseling. I appreciated the orders too. Last summer he ordered my ex and I to have communication counseling. It was great. Now, we communicate lots better. (I think the ex just wants to get along so I don't take him back to court anymore and so the judge doesn't order more counseling)