CP Bribery. Not a legal question, just need some advice.

[amberlea434]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TN

Hubby has an 11yo daughter with his ex-gf. Hubby and I (SM) live in LA, Mom and kiddo live in TN. Kiddo comes to visit us throughout the year, mainly for 5 weeks during the summer.

During the past few years while she's visiting, Mom likes to call her and tell her about presents that she's gotten her or places she's going to take her as soon as she gets home. This, in turn, makes kiddo excited, then she gets upset that she can't go home right away. Dad has talked to Mom about it in the past, asking her to please wait until kiddo gets home to tell her about all the things she's gotten her. Mom refuses.

It's gotten particularly worse so far this year. Kiddo is with us now for her summer time visit. She's only been here a couple of weeks and Mom has already called about a new kitten she's gotten her. Of course, kiddo is extremely excited and all she can talk about is how she can't wait to go home now. She gets so upset and starts crying, saying she's homesick and misses her mom and just wants to go home.

I know there's nothing that can be legally done about this, but I was hoping somebody else out there may be in a similar situation and can give my hubby some advice on how to handle this. Thanks, guys.

 

[Zigner]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TN

Hubby has an 11yo daughter with his ex-gf. Hubby and I (SM) live in LA, Mom and kiddo live in TN. Kiddo comes to visit us throughout the year, mainly for 5 weeks during the summer.

During the past few years while she's visiting, Mom likes to call her and tell her about presents that she's gotten her or places she's going to take her as soon as she gets home. This, in turn, makes kiddo excited, then she gets upset that she can't go home right away. Dad has talked to Mom about it in the past, asking her to please wait until kiddo gets home to tell her about all the things she's gotten her. Mom refuses.

It's gotten particularly worse so far this year. Kiddo is with us now for her summer time visit. She's only been here a couple of weeks and Mom has already called about a new kitten she's gotten her. Of course, kiddo is extremely excited and all she can talk about is how she can't wait to go home now. She gets so upset and starts crying, saying she's homesick and misses her mom and just wants to go home.

I know there's nothing that can be legally done about this, but I was hoping somebody else out there may be in a similar situation and can give my hubby some advice on how to handle this. Thanks, guys.

The BEST advice would be for you to step back/butt out.

 

[amberlea434]

The BEST advice would be for you to step back/butt out.

Wow. Okay. I've asked many questions on this forum before and have never had a problem...

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TN

Hubby has an 11yo daughter with his ex-gf. Hubby and I (SM) live in LA, Mom and kiddo live in TN. Kiddo comes to visit us throughout the year, mainly for 5 weeks during the summer.

During the past few years while she's visiting, Mom likes to call her and tell her about presents that she's gotten her or places she's going to take her as soon as she gets home. This, in turn, makes kiddo excited, then she gets upset that she can't go home right away. Dad has talked to Mom about it in the past, asking her to please wait until kiddo gets home to tell her about all the things she's gotten her. Mom refuses.

It's gotten particularly worse so far this year. Kiddo is with us now for her summer time visit. She's only been here a couple of weeks and Mom has already called about a new kitten she's gotten her. Of course, kiddo is extremely excited and all she can talk about is how she can't wait to go home now. She gets so upset and starts crying, saying she's homesick and misses her mom and just wants to go home.

I know there's nothing that can be legally done about this, but I was hoping somebody else out there may be in a similar situation and can give my hubby some advice on how to handle this. Thanks, guys.

I have a feeling that mom is being no different than mom has always been. I am not condoning what mom is doing, but I have a feeling that the reason why it seems worse this year is because your husband is dealing with female, adolescent, angst.

I remember it well from when I was that age, and I remember it from when my daughter was that age.

How far apart is your home and mom's in actual distance? It might work better if the 5 weeks was broken up into two smaller chunks instead of one 5 week stretch. That could take some of the wind out of mom's tactics.

In fact, if you were close enough to rotate every other two weeks in the summer, that might give dad a little more time (assuming that summer is longer than 10 weeks), plus leave less opportunity for mom to add to the child's angst.

Also, keep her as busy and active as possible, so she has less time to "brood". If you can be scooting her right out the door after one of mom's phone calls, even if its just to play with a neighbor's child, it will lessen the impact as well.

 

[Antigone*]

Wow. Okay. I've asked many questions on this forum before and have never had a problem...

Here is the issue. You have no legal say in this situation whatsoever. If mom and dad can't handle themselves like grown adults, then it is on them.

Dad decides what goes on in his household while DD is there. It is his job to deal with it as he sees fit, no SM's

 

[sometwo]

Sometimes dad might have to remind child of all the things he misses out on when she's with mom and vice versa on everything. Its just a fact of life. There are going to be things that are missed out on or that she's going to miss.

Help her deal . You can't change what other people do or how they behave you can change what you do or how you behave. Tell dad to help child deal instead of worrying about what mom is or isnt doing.

 

[amberlea434]

I have a feeling that mom is being no different than mom has always been. I am not condoning what mom is doing, but I have a feeling that the reason why it seems worse this year is because your husband is dealing with female, adolescent, angst.

Very true, I didn't think of that.

I remember it well from when I was that age, and I remember it from when my daughter was that age.

How far apart is your home and mom's in actual distance? It might work better if the 5 weeks was broken up into two smaller chunks instead of one 5 week stretch. That could take some of the wind out of mom's tactics.

In fact, if you were close enough to rotate every other two weeks in the summer, that might give dad a little more time (assuming that summer is longer than 10 weeks), plus leave less opportunity for mom to add to the child's angst.

Unfortunately, we live about 600 miles apart, so splitting up the 5 weeks might not be feasible. Even then, kiddo spends just a week here and there (Spring Break, Thanksgiving) and Mom still does the same things.

Also, keep her as busy and active as possible, so she has less time to "brood". If you can be scooting her right out the door after one of mom's phone calls, even if its just to play with a neighbor's child, it will lessen the impact as well.

Will definitely keep her as busy as possible. Should Dad try talking to Mom about it again or would it just be best to avoid any kind of animosity...?

 

[amberlea434]

Here is the issue. You have no legal say in this situation whatsoever. If mom and dad can't handle themselves like grown adults, then it is on them.

Dad decides what goes on in his household while DD is there. It is his job to deal with it as he sees fit, no SM's

I know I have no say-so. This isn't my first rodeo, I know my place.

 

[LdiJ]

Very true, I didn't think of that.



Unfortunately, we live about 600 miles apart, so splitting up the 5 weeks might not be feasible. Even then, kiddo spends just a week here and there (Spring Break, Thanksgiving) and Mom still does the same things.



Will definitely keep her as busy as possible. Should Dad try talking to Mom about it again or would it just be best to avoid any kind of animosity...?

I doubt it would do any good at all to talk to mom about it again. In fact, mom may even like hearing that the child is getting upset and homesick...just leave it be and keep her as busy as possible.

 

[amberlea434]

I doubt it would do any good at all to talk to mom about it again. In fact, mom may even like hearing that the child is getting upset and homesick...just leave it be and keep her as busy as possible.

Sounds good. Thanks for the help!

 

[stealth2]

LOL Dad could get a kitten. Or a puppy.

 

[sometwo]

LOL Dad could get a kitten. Or a puppy.

I didn't want to say it, but I've been known to do things like that

 

[stealth2]

I didn't want to say it, but I've been known to do things like that

Well... I will admit... Although ex brought home the puppy 6 mos before we split (that would be the Pen in my sig line, btw), the first thing I did when he moved out (while the kids were with him, actually) was get a kitten. No, I didn't tell the kids 'til they got home.

But... I did let her traipse all over their packed (and open) bags every time before they went to him. NO... it did not make me feel better. Really.

Okay.... maybe a little.

 

[CJane]

Dad could always point out that the kitten will be ever so much more likable in a few more weeks. You know, when it's litter box trained and there's less "clean up on aisle 12".

Or that Mom might be taking her to REALLY FUN PLACE on XX day, but that day is the same distance away whether she's at Dad's or Mom's.

Or that looking forward to things is really great, but it's also important to enjoy the here and now.

She's 11. Coping skills would help. I can't imagine either of my girls literally crying and throwing fits about wanting to be somewhere else just because there was a gift waiting for them.

In fact, I can't imagine my 4 year old acting that way. You know how many times he's told me "Mom, you get what you get and you don't throw a fit." It's like his Mantra.

 

[frylover]

Dad could always point out that the kitten will be ever so much more likable in a few more weeks. You know, when it's litter box trained and there's less "clean up on aisle 12".

Or that Mom might be taking her to REALLY FUN PLACE on XX day, but that day is the same distance away whether she's at Dad's or Mom's.

Or that looking forward to things is really great, but it's also important to enjoy the here and now.

She's 11. Coping skills would help. I can't imagine either of my girls literally crying and throwing fits about wanting to be somewhere else just because there was a gift waiting for them.

In fact, I can't imagine my 4 year old acting that way. You know how many times he's told me "Mom, you get what you get and you don't throw a fit." It's like his Mantra.

LOVE that mantra...use it in my kindergarten classroom.