Wife just wants out - Is that allowed?

[LongTermDad]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

I have been married for almost 24 years, with 6 kids (19yr to 7yr old). My wife now wants a divorce, and says that she doesn't want anything from me. We plan on sharing custody 50/50. She has an attorney, and I do not....yet. She says that I don't need one because she will agree to anything. She told her attorney that she didn't want anything from me, and he stated that no Judge would ever allow that. Is there some "minimum" that must be awarded? She recently picked up a full time job so she can get benefits, but I make about 3x what she makes. It seems to me that if we both agree on something, that a judge should not stop us.

 

[Zigner]

Don't EVER take legal advice from your (STB)-ex. And, even more-so, don't EVER take legal advice from your (STB)-ex's lawyer!

Get your own attorney!

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

I have been married for almost 24 years, with 6 kids (19yr to 7yr old). My wife now wants a divorce, and says that she doesn't want anything from me. We plan on sharing custody 50/50. She has an attorney, and I do not....yet. She says that I don't need one because she will agree to anything. She told her attorney that she didn't want anything from me, and he stated that no Judge would ever allow that. Is there some "minimum" that must be awarded? She recently picked up a full time job so she can get benefits, but I make about 3x what she makes. It seems to me that if we both agree on something, that a judge should not stop us.

I agree with Zig, but I will tell you honestly that if something you agree on is very contrary to law or to the state's interest, a judge could very well refuse to sign off on it.

Child support being waved, is one of those things that judges sometimes refuse to sign off on. Even with a 50/50 schedule (which would not include the 19 year old) with your income being 3 times her income, you would normally be expected to pay some child support.

As far as marital assets are concerned...a judge is less likely to refuse to sign off on an agreement, but again, if its very lopsided a judge might.

Which revolves back around to the fact that you need to consult with your own attorney.

 

[DecisionTime]

If you and your wife are in complete agreement about how you want to split your assets, debts, custody and handle child support, then you should be able to create a stipulated judgment, or file as co-petitioners, and it should be fine so long as you address all the statutorily required elements. The state has an excellent self help site with forms, etc - even if you use an attorney it helps you understand the process. index

You could consider using a mediator or a collaborative divorce attorney, but if she has an attorney you really at a minimum ought to get a consultation with one of your own. You have a long term marriage so really should meet a lawyer as you could potentially be dealing with long term alimony. The state doesn't want either party to be a burden to the welfare system so if she has only just reentered the work force the judge might consider it prudent to have a safety net on your dime.

 

[xylene]

It's a trap

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

I have been married for almost 24 years, with 6 kids (19yr to 7yr old). My wife now wants a divorce, and says that she doesn't want anything from me. We plan on sharing custody 50/50. She has an attorney, and I do not....yet. She says that I don't need one because she will agree to anything. She told her attorney that she didn't want anything from me, and he stated that no Judge would ever allow that. Is there some "minimum" that must be awarded? She recently picked up a full time job so she can get benefits, but I make about 3x what she makes. It seems to me that if we both agree on something, that a judge should not stop us.

You need a lawyer.

Your wife wants an easy 'uncontested' divorce.

DO NOT play her game. You will lose. This "I want nothing" routine will last until you agree, and then BAM. All up in your cookies and you can't do anyhting since you agreed to the divorce.

Get a lawyer and make her pay for wanting to be walking away.

 

[Silverplum]

You need a lawyer.

Your wife wants an easy 'uncontested' divorce.

DO NOT play her game. You will lose. This "I want nothing" routine will last until you agree, and then BAM. All up in your cookies and you can't do anyhting since you agreed to the divorce.

I vigorously AGREE!

If SHE has an attorney, YOU NEED an attorney of your own. The only way to have a "nice divorce with no attorneys" is to have NO attorneys at all.

Get a lawyer and make her pay for wanting to be walking away.

Nope. Disagree with that part.

Just make sure it's EVEN. Not payback.

 

[LdiJ]

I vigorously AGREE!

If SHE has an attorney, YOU NEED an attorney of your own. The only way to have a "nice divorce with no attorneys" is to have NO attorneys at all.


Nope. Disagree with that part.

Just make sure it's EVEN. Not payback.

It might not be a trap if the wife has a bigger fish on the hook than her husband.

However, again, he needs his own attorney..absolutely.

 

[xylene]

I see your vantage point... but

Nope. Disagree with that part.

Just make sure it's EVEN. Not payback.

It is the job of the courts to make sure it is even and lawful.

The poster is being seduced into an 'easy divorce' a mutual divorce - when in reality his wife is abandoning the marriage.

It is good, healthy even for the poster to be reactive and self asserting in a time when he is moving into legal proceedings that will be and are intended to be adversarial.

Arming himself with the reality that his wife is dumping him, so which he should consider handling the legal aspects of that

Do what is fair?
What is fair is when someone tells you they are tired of the covenant you forged together and it is over? Saying "your right honey, let's talk to your lawyer..." or fighting?

 

[Silverplum]

It is the job of the courts to make sure it is even and lawful.

The poster is being seduced into an 'easy divorce' a mutual divorce - when in reality his wife is abandoning the marriage.

It is good, healthy even for the poster to be reactive and self asserting in a time when he is moving into legal proceedings that will be and are intended to be adversarial.

Arming himself with the reality that his wife is dumping him, so which he should consider handling the legal aspects of that

Do what is fair?
What is fair is when someone tells you the are tired of the covenant you forged together is over? Saying "your right honey, let's talk to your lawyer..." or fighting?

I can totally see YOUR point. Appreciate you typing it out.

Divorce is a battle and must be treated as such...till it's time to back off and coparent.

Guess it's up to OP to figure out his angle.

 

[LongTermDad]

Thanks everybody for the response. It is very helpful. My wife said that the attorney is supposed to be acting like a mediator, not really trying to maximize benefit for one person or the other. However, I noticed on the paperwork that she brought home last night that the attorney is listed as representing her, and not me. I told her that this arrangement would be fine as long as I feel like the attorney is not taking sides. With any hint that he is taking sides, then I will surely go find my own. I am in no way trying to shirk my responsibilities towards my kids, nor even my STB ex-wife, but wanted to go into this whole thing with realistic expectations. It makes sense that “some” child support would be required, but some of the figures that I have seen discussed around here do not seem reasonable when I will still provide most of the financial support for the kids myself, not filtered through the ex.

 

[Gail in Georgia]

For what it's worth....

When I went through my divorce (after 20 years of marriage), my husband and I used just one attorney.

However, we sat down together and wrote out our separation agreement and discussed the issue of child care (none since we agreed on joint custody, splitting child care each week and our children were teenagers already), alimony (none since we both worked and were capable of self sufficiency without the other), split the savings account and cars, decided who got to take what child off their income tax, who paid for health insurance for the children, I bought his share of our house, we agreed on who got what furniture and how we were going to handle college costs for our two sons.

THEN we went to the attorney who handled the paperwork.

It doesn't have to be a knocked down, dragged out fight where couples end up fighting over who gets the friggin' wooden spoons (as happened to a friend of mine). Unfortunately, it often ends this way.

Gail

 

[LongTermDad]

Thanks, Gail. Your story is how I “hope” and anticipate mine will be. Just wasn’t sure if Judges were obligated to have spousal/child support if both parents agree on who is actually going to fund things.

 

[LdiJ]

Thanks, Gail. Your story is how I “hope” and anticipate mine will be. Just wasn’t sure if Judges were obligated to have spousal/child support if both parents agree on who is actually going to fund things.

Some judges are absolutely going to require child support. Whether or not the judge who hears your case will require it, is best answered by local counsel who knows the climate of your courts.

A judge would not override an agreement regarding spousal support, unless perhaps one spouse was clearly disabled or with an incapacity and was unrepresented.

Most of the time a judge isn't going to override a property settlement unless something looks widely out of whack to the judge...or there is something patently illegal in the settlement.

Quite frankly, with sharing six children even after they are all adults you are going to need to be getting along, and getting along decently. If your wife doesn't get her fair share of the marital assets (and be responsible for her fair share of the marital debts) she is going to have buyer's remorse in probably less than a year, and it won't bode well for amicable co-parenting. About the only exception to that would be if she intends to remarry quickly.

She is going to have to have a home with enough space for 6 children, and she will have to at least feed them and provide sundries during her time. Even if you cover everything else, that may be hard to do on 1/3 of what you make.

 

[Silverplum]

Thanks everybody for the response. It is very helpful. My wife said that the attorney is supposed to be acting like a mediator, not really trying to maximize benefit for one person or the other. However, I noticed on the paperwork that she brought home last night that the attorney is listed as representing her, and not me.

RED ALERT, LongTermDad!!!

It's true. The attorney DOES represent HER. Not you. Not you at all.

In fact, it is the attorney's ethical/professional obligation to take the best care possible of his/her client. If that means putting forth an agreement with a clause that kicks your butt for the next 20 years, so be it.

Get. Your. Own. Attorney.

At least, to have the agreement reviewed by someone whose ethical/professional obligation is to represent YOU and ONLY YOU.

That does not mean the whole thing has to get All Kinds Of Hostile.

It's a big wild situation. You're doing your best to handle it with grace and dignity, and that's excellent. But honestly, get your own attorney to review the agreement and explain each item to you.

For instance, the difference between "modifiable" and "non-modifiable" alimony/spousal support. That "non-" or the lack thereof of that "non-" has made a GINORMOUS difference in thousands of divorces. 4 typed characters. Think about it.

I told her that this arrangement would be fine as long as I feel like the attorney is not taking sides. With any hint that he is taking sides, then I will surely go find my own. I am in no way trying to shirk my responsibilities towards my kids, nor even my STB ex-wife, but wanted to go into this whole thing with realistic expectations. It makes sense that “some” child support would be required, but some of the figures that I have seen discussed around here do not seem reasonable when I will still provide most of the financial support for the kids myself, not filtered through the ex.

 

[DecisionTime]

LongTermDad, you will be required to include the child support worksheet showing what guideline support is meant to be and the reason for any deviation. Have you run the calculator to see what you might be in for? Oregon uses both time share plus income share to determine child support. Who pays for medical insurance and childcare/tuition is part of the calculation.

Is the child support she proposes consistent with the state calculated guideline? The link I posted earlier has those resources. Run the numbers and see.

Unfortunately, there is no similar calculator for spousal support.

I agree completely with Silverplum. With six kids, 24 years, and presumably significant retirement savings to divide, you NEED a lawyer, or at least a consultation with one to review the papers she proposes.