Can I open mail addressed to my child?

[sometwo]

I disagree also.

I don't ask to open anything. Of course my kids are 12 and 10 and most things that come to my house aren't for them anyway even if it says their name.

I doubt I'll change my mind when older either.

Granted I don't open everything though. But I do see everything.

 

[californiamom3]

I have always opened mail from school, Dr. office and the like. As others have said, it's not really for the child anyway. I would never open a letter from a friend or relative that was personal unless I saw fit. I also believe that I have a right to go through their rooms and personal belongings if I felt I needed to. (bad behavior, new group of not so cool friends, suspicion of drugs, etc.)
This is only an issue now because daughter left for her dads on semi-bad terms with myself and her sisters.
It doesn't matter what I do. It's all wrong at this point!

 

[stealth2]

I see everything, too. 'Cause my kids don't hide stuff from me. Nor have I been given any reason to go through their stuff. *shrug* Just lucky, I guess.

 

[Artemis_ofthe_Hunt]

In the interest of protecting my child, I intend on opening everything (and I do mean everything) until such time as he is working and helping support himself. I open everything, including cards at this point, because he can't read and has been known to receive inappropriate "gifts" (age-wise, development-wise) from his father's side. "Gifts" that, at this age would be cruel to let him open and not keep. So, ya.... I am the mom who intends to keep on doing what I am doing. In my house, he will have no expectation of privacy, although I will give him a measure, obviously, as he gets older.

 

[stealth2]

Yeah, but... we're talking about an older teen, not a wee little one. OP's daughter is 17. In a year (or less), she'll be an adult. IMO, unless there is reason for concern (i.e. drugs, criminal activity, etc.) - a child that age deserves some level of privacy. Including being allowed to make the decision of opening her own mail.

Ya know... every now and again, a piece of my mail ends up delivered to my parents (they lived with me between houses). Yeah, it bugs the living heck out of me when my Mom (accidentally - I do believe that) opens it. I don't like it, so why would I do it to someone else?

 

[Artemis_ofthe_Hunt]

Yeah, but... we're talking about an older teen, not a wee little one. OP's daughter is 17. In a year (or less), she'll be an adult. IMO, unless there is reason for concern (i.e. drugs, criminal activity, etc.) - a child that age deserves some level of privacy. Including being allowed to make the decision of opening her own mail.

Ya know... every now and again, a piece of my mail ends up delivered to my parents (they lived with me between houses). Yeah, it bugs the living heck out of me when my Mom (accidentally - I do believe that) opens it. I don't like it, so why would I do it to someone else?

I get that... but (and here it comes... the Uber Overstepping Step-mom) at the time of my marriage (over a decade ago now),before I learned some very valuable life lessons.... I opened mail, my (now ex) hubby and I read her diary... etc. (CRINGE)... etc. I know now that I don't think I would go to the extreme with my own child, but a decade is a long time to grow up!

 

[stealth2]

In the interest of protecting my child, I intend on opening everything (and I do mean everything) until such time as he is working and helping support himself. I open everything, including cards at this point, because he can't read and has been known to receive inappropriate "gifts" (age-wise, development-wise) from his father's side. "Gifts" that, at this age would be cruel to let him open and not keep. So, ya.... I am the mom who intends to keep on doing what I am doing. In my house, he will have no expectation of privacy, although I will give him a measure, obviously, as he gets older.

I get that... but (and here it comes... the Uber Overstepping Step-mom) at the time of my marriage (over a decade ago now),before I learned some very valuable life lessons.... I opened mail, my (now ex) hubby and I read her diary... etc. (CRINGE)... etc. I know now that I don't think I would go to the extreme with my own child, but a decade is a long time to grow up!

But that is exactly what you already said you intend to KEEP doing.

At 2, 3, 4, even 9 or 10 - I can see getting involved when there is a history of inappropriate contact. But there comes a point where one has to open the door and allow the child to make some decisions for him/herself. I, personally, believe that it is important to allow that somewhat sooner than later, when I am still there to provide a bit of a cushion for the inevitable fall. But then... I've been told numerous times that I have an unusual (not in a bad way) relationship with my kids.

 

[Artemis_ofthe_Hunt]

But that is exactly what you already said you intend to KEEP doing.

At 2, 3, 4, even 9 or 10 - I can see getting involved when there is a history of inappropriate contact. But there comes a point where one has to open the door and allow the child to make some decisions for him/herself. I, personally, believe that it is important to allow that somewhat sooner than later, when I am still there to provide a bit of a cushion for the inevitable fall. But then... I've been told numerous times that I have an unusual (not in a bad way) relationship with my kids.

I intend to keep screening mail coming in for my son UNTIL such time as I feel it isn't necessary. I simply meant that I didn't think I'd go to the extreme I did with my step-children.... I'll tell you some of the horror stories sometime...

Sorry OP, end hijack.

 

[futuredust]

I would just like to clarify, regarding my own children. They were with dad for five years, they were 7, 9 and 10 when they went. The practice of opening and keeping their mail from family went on the entire time. It wasn't so much the opening as the holding gifts and letters hostage or throwing them away. And telling the kids they did so. It was a power play as were many other things.

They are now soon to be 14, 16 and 17. They bring the mail in every day and it comes straight to me. They wait to see if they have any mail after handing it to me. I give them their mail from family and friends, they usually sit down in my office and open it or talk about what their friends/family are doing and what they wrote about. They don't have to, they just do. Bills or stuff from school, I open that and will continue to do so until they graduate or pay their own bills. With the exception of letters regarding higher education, I am only concerned with "at the moment" communication.

I too have what some have called an unusual relationship with my children. I have to, they have serious trust issues with adults. We are very open about everything in this house, and they can and have come to me about things most would be surprised a teen would discuss with their parents. Even their friends, especially the boys, get a laugh at us. My boys are very open and tell me they love me in front of their friends, they hug and kiss me before they leave the house and do so when they return. They call me before they go to sleep at friends houses just to tell me they are ok, and good night I love ya mom.

I don't read diaries either. Unless* they were to give me reason to be concerned. Now I do monitor *everything* they do online. I have passwords to all accounts, and the master email for resetting passwords is my email. Computers and laptops are used in common areas of the house and the time is limited. I randomly go through their friends lists on FB and delete anyone I do not know or can verify they know personally. They do not have instant messenger access other then on FB; myspace is not allowed neither are webcams. The entire recent "jessi slaughter" incident online is a prime example of poor parenting when it comes to the internet and monitoring access.

 

[Isis1]

I don't go sarching through journals. But i do go through bacpacks. I did find a letter to a girl from my 12 year old that he never delivered. I confiscated it. Cuz i'm a sap. He can have it back if he wants it when he's 18. I'm still ticked at him for losing a bracelet a girl from school gave to him. I would have held onto it for him.

I'm in full agreement with CourtClerk on this one. As long as they are a minor, it's mine. If my name is on the house and you live in my home, it's mine.

 

[sometwo]

I don't open everything like I said. Letters from family I don't open. Bday invitations etc I don't open.

Letters to stepson from his mom , his dad opens but that hasn't happened but twice and last time was over a year.

Dr bills and such like that, its not theirs It's mine. Unless they want to pay for it and pay the bills it goes to me. I'd gladly hand all that over if they would like to start paying for it themselves.

I don't search their backpacks but I do occasionally go through it to see if they've have forgotten to give me something. (usually that's stepson more than daughter)

They have a certain amount of privacy but they also know that at any time dad and I can and would go through their stuff. If need be. Our house, our rules. When they are 18 and living on their own ,paying their own way well then that's a different story.

 

[Artemis_ofthe_Hunt]

I don't go sarching through journals. But i do go through bacpacks. I did find a letter to a girl from my 12 year old that he never delivered. I confiscated it. Cuz i'm a sap. He can have it back if he wants it when he's 18. I'm still ticked at him for losing a bracelet a girl from school gave to him. I would have held onto it for him.

I'm in full agreement with CourtClerk on this one. As long as they are a minor, it's mine. If my name is on the house and you live in my home, it's mine.

We (as in my ex-hubby and I--- again back in the overstepping days) did go through her diary. She was exhibiting behaviors that threw flags for the both of us. She wasn't talking to either of us, the relationship with her mother was strained a lot of the time. (Looking back, that could have been me, but also could have been my ex's fault with all of the BS he pulled with her for years), we were concerned and me, being the daily caretaker, saw more of it than anyone. To this day, she still tells me she loves me, we still talk. I'd like to think I did SOMETHING right, even though I did SOOO much wrong!

 

[stealth2]

And see.... I give my kids ALL of their mail - bills included (i.e. from a doctor). Yes, I pay them - and they know to give them to me - but it has helped them understand what things cost, how deductibles work, etc. I post other bills - that come to me - on the fridge, so that they can see them.

We don't have secrets here. Well, unless they're a surprise for someone.

As for being open... LOL I know everything. Which friends/classmates drink, do drugs, are having sex... cheat on tests, lie to their parents, sneak out of the house, etc. And yes, I know what my own kids are up to.

 

[sometwo]

And see.... I give my kids ALL of their mail - bills included (i.e. from a doctor). Yes, I pay them - and they know to give them to me

they give them back to you? I'm still working on my 12 year old turning in HIS stuff at school. Just found another thing in his room he never turned in. Turns out he forgot so he just tore up my check and lied to me saying he put it on the teacher's desk.

I'm not going to trust him with the dr's bill or anything else of that nature that I don't have to.

My 10 yr old you can trust with anything.

 

[stealth2]

They sure do. I have an organizer thingy on the wall with slots for his mail, her mail, my mail, bills, invites.