Can I open mail addressed to my child?

[CSO286]

I tell my daughter--she's ten--that she has no expectation of privacy while she's under my roof. I qualify iwht the fact that I will not go looking for journals/diaries unless I feel there's a reason to think she's hiding something unhealthy from me.

Regarding mail--I open everything. If's it's an invite or letter from friends/family, I will give it to her.

Regarding internet--no privacy expectations---EVER. I already have netnanny type software installed and have explained to her how it works. The door to the office is ALWAYS open and I've locked the webcam on our computer so she cannot use it without an admin password. I've set up her messenger acounts and she cannot add friends with out parental password.

But again, we are very fortunate to have a pretty open relationship (so far )

 

[californiamom3]

In this instance I was not aware that daughter had a Dr. visit. So yes, when mail came from the Dr. I wanted to know why. Come to find out dad was sending her to get on birth control. (also just became aware that she and BF are sexually active in his house...a whole new can of worms and a different thread I suppose) Even more confident about my decision to open....and considering dad and daughter have decided to keep things from me....I will continue to open everything that comes my way.

 

[stealth2]

In this instance I was not aware that daughter had a Dr. visit. So yes, when mail came from the Dr. I wanted to know why. Come to find out dad was sending her to get on birth control. (also just became aware that she and BF are sexually active in his house...a whole new can of worms and a different thread I suppose) Even more confident about my decision to open....and considering dad and daughter have decided to keep things from me....I will continue to open everything that comes my way.

And you wonder why she didn't want to tell you?

ETA - you DO know that birth control pills are prescribed for other health reasons, too.... right?

 

[californiamom3]

And you wonder why she didn't want to tell you?

ETA - you DO know that birth control pills are prescribed for other health reasons, too.... right?

She's 17. I do not take issue with her being put on birth control.
I take issue with dad not discussing it with me.

 

[stealth2]

She's 17. I do not take issue with her being put on birth control.
I take issue with dad not discussing it with me.

I believe that, in CA, a parent does not need to either consent or be informed regarding birth control when the minor is above the age of 17.

 

[californiamom3]

I believe that, in CA, a parent does not need to either consent or be informed regarding birth control when the minor is above the age of 17.

True. Although in this case dad made an appointment specifically to get daughter on birth control with her normal pediatrician.
She certainly could have gone to Planned Parenthood and done it on her own without consent.
This new subject has gone off point a bit.
Child living with mom or dad, doesn't matter, we're supposed to be discussing things before they happen.
And back to the mail subject, I told dad that if he had an issue with me opening daughters mail that still get's delivered here, he should put in an address change for her.

 

[stealth2]

True. Although in this case dad made an appointment specifically to get daughter on birth control with her normal pediatrician.

And you can PROVE this?

Personally, I would stop short of making too huge a deal over this. Unless your goal is to completely alienate your daughter. Yes, as parents we all hope our children will wait for... something... before becoming sexually active. It doesn't always happen. And when it doesn't, it's best to keep an open line of communication. At least Dad and daughter had the sense to get her on birth control.

My son's 18, and while I know he's a virgin (and no, not just from telling me), I know and he's admitted that it likely WILL happen when he goes to college. Heck - even his Grandmother says so! (Want to have THAT conversation with your Mom? LOL) So yeah - he's getting a box of condoms in with his other school supplies.

I trust my 16yo to come to me - she does with everything else. I'd rather she did so that I could help her be sure she's safe than not.

Really - take a softer approach and talk to your girl. It may not be what you'd choose for her, but it's what she chose for herself. Help her become the woman you'd like her to be - and one she'll be proud of.

 

[californiamom3]

And you can PROVE this?

Personally, I would stop short of making too huge a deal over this. Unless your goal is to completely alienate your daughter. Yes, as parents we all hope our children will wait for... something... before becoming sexually active. It doesn't always happen. And when it doesn't, it's best to keep an open line of communication. At least Dad and daughter had the sense to get her on birth control.

My son's 18, and while I know he's a virgin (and no, not just from telling me), I know and he's admitted that it likely WILL happen when he goes to college. Heck - even his Grandmother says so! (Want to have THAT conversation with your Mom? LOL) So yeah - he's getting a box of condoms in with his other school supplies.

I trust my 16yo to come to me - she does with everything else. I'd rather she did so that I could help her be sure she's safe than not.

Really - take a softer approach and talk to your girl. It may not be what you'd choose for her, but it's what she chose for herself. Help her become the woman you'd like her to be - and one she'll be proud of.

Well said.
I'm not making a huge deal. But if you remember in a previous post, the mail I got was for a canceled appointment. She has yet to get on birth control (unless she's made a trip to Planned Parenthood) and has been having relations with BF for quite some time.
Many talks between my girls and I happen on a regular basis about everything under the sun. My worry is that dad is very liberal in his beliefs and would have no issues with daughter having a baby at this time. I'm uneasy about what he might be teaching her. I have had to learn to take a step back because it's somewhat out of my control. She lives with dad and barely speaks to me.
I had rules in my home that she didn't care to abide by. Dad has no rules, no curfew, grades are dropping rapidly,,,,etc. So I am currently the "Bad Guy" and dad is "Jo Cool."
Telling myself to take a deep breath**************......
I can only hope that she will one day appreciate. Everybody tells me she will.

 

[californiamom3]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA
Dad filed OSC specifically to add more summer (and other vacation) time for him.
Mediation is mandatory but mediation office did not have an appointment available for any of us. (children 17, 14, 11)
I called the court, they said that he needed to file for a continuance. He did not.
I called the court again and the clerk said, "you'll just have to come without mediation."
I don't feel comfortable agreeing to any visitation changes without the children being heard. (there are many issues the children need to express regarding dad)
Since mediation is "mandatory" before a custody modification what will occur tomorrow?
Will the judge allow the case to be heard?
It was suggested to me that I refuse to agree to any changes without the mediation.
Any suggestions?

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA
Dad filed OSC specifically to add more summer (and other vacation) time for him.
Mediation is mandatory but mediation office did not have an appointment available for any of us. (children 17, 14, 11)
I called the court, they said that he needed to file for a continuance. He did not.
I called the court again and the clerk said, "you'll just have to come without mediation."
I don't feel comfortable agreeing to any visitation changes without the children being heard. (there are many issues the children need to express regarding dad)
Since mediation is "mandatory" before a custody modification what will occur tomorrow?
Will the judge allow the case to be heard?
It was suggested to me that I refuse to agree to any changes without the mediation.
Any suggestions?

Tell the judge that you didn't get to go to mediation because they didn't have an appointment available. Ask for a continuance and ask the judge to order that you go to mediation.

 

[californiamom3]

Tell the judge that you didn't get to go to mediation because they didn't have an appointment available. Ask for a continuance and ask the judge to order that you go to mediation.

Sounds simple enough.
So if dad asks for some changes?
I know that nobody can predict what any specific judge will do... but
can I safely assume the judge won't make any changes without mediation?
Is mediation mandatory by law? Or is it more of a suggestion?

Is there a standard for visitation transportation?
The kids and I have lived in the same residence for 7 years. Dad had lived away in another country and is now back in California. He had previously spoke of moving to the same town we live in but is now residing 30 or so minutes away (not a long drive) because that's where his girlfriends children live.
The current orders state that he do all of the visitation transportation. I think he may be asking for that to change and that I do 1/2 of the driving.
The last judge denied the request because "he chose to live in a different town....blah, blah"
I wasn't sure if this situation falls under "the parent who moves provides transportation." and that's why the judge denied it the first time.

 

[CourtClerk]

You do know you can go to mediation anywhere in the county, right? So call all of the courthouses.

And yes, mediation is mandatory, however, the court can decide to hear cases without it because judges can practically do what they want.

 

[californiamom3]

You do know you can go to mediation anywhere in the county, right? So call all of the courthouses.

And yes, mediation is mandatory, however, the court can decide to hear cases without it because judges can practically do what they want.

Unfortunately, we only have one mediation office in my county which is 40 minutes from me as it is.

 

[kimberlywrites]

When my kids were babies, they received time capsules. We put stuff in there for one whole year, at which point the capsules were sealed, to be opened on their champagne birthdays. Before we sealed the capsules, we (my ex and I) asked our parents to write a letter. My parents wrote a letter to my daughter, and wanted to share it with me before they sealed it. They did the same thing two years later with my son. The ex's parents, however, mailed their letters, addressed to the child. I had plenty of reason to worry about what they may have written to the kids, believe me. But, I put the letter(s) in each time capsule and did NOT open them. Fast forward about two years. I had even more reason to not trust the grandparents letters. So I friggin' opened the mail. And the letters were full of ignorant, mean and deragotary comments about ME -the kids' mother! I confronted the (now) ex. We had a huge fight because he said I had no right to open letters addressed to the kids. I told him I had every right to, and REASON to, considering the source...and I was right. So, the letters have been returned to the time capsules, pre-opened by me. The kids will realize on their own when the day comes why I did it.

 

[Artemis_ofthe_Hunt]

When my kids were babies, they received time capsules. We put stuff in there for one whole year, at which point the capsules were sealed, to be opened on their champagne birthdays. Before we sealed the capsules, we (my ex and I) asked our parents to write a letter. My parents wrote a letter to my daughter, and wanted to share it with me before they sealed it. They did the same thing two years later with my son. The ex's parents, however, mailed their letters, addressed to the child. I had plenty of reason to worry about what they may have written to the kids, believe me. But, I put the letter(s) in each time capsule and did NOT open them. Fast forward about two years. I had even more reason to not trust the grandparents letters. So I friggin' opened the mail. And the letters were full of ignorant, mean and deragotary comments about ME -the kids' mother! I confronted the (now) ex. We had a huge fight because he said I had no right to open letters addressed to the kids. I told him I had every right to, and REASON to, considering the source...and I was right. So, the letters have been returned to the time capsules, pre-opened by me. The kids will realize on their own when the day comes why I did it.

I'm a bit confused... how is this relevant to the current thread? Time capsule vs opening medical mail?