How much info must be given?

[nana99]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NH

My ex and I have been seperated a yr and a half and have a 2 yr old daughter. I have been dating someone for several months and was curious as to how much information about the person I am dating does my ex have a right to know?

 

[stealth2]

How much information would you expect him to provide to you about anyone he's dating? That would seem an appropriate amount to give him.

 

[Some Random Guy]

Are there any court orders for your separation? Since you are "separated" from you "ex", is this a separation or divorce?

Look in the divorce/separation documents for guidance first.

Barring any court order, you don't need to tell your ex much of anything. But if you are hiding the fact that your new beau is a convicted sex offender or something similar, it may hurt a future custody battle.

 

[nana99]

Are there any court orders for your separation? Since you are "separated" from you "ex", is this a separation or divorce?

Look in the divorce/separation documents for guidance first.

Barring any court order, you don't need to tell your ex much of anything. But if you are hiding the fact that your new beau is a convicted sex offender or something similar, it may hurt a future custody battle.

We were never married. We have been to court and mediation more times than I can count. There is nothing in our parenting plan that states anything about bf/gf situations. Ex had lived in different state until December when he moved to the state I am in. I was already dating this "new" person when the ex moved here. I was dating bf for 5 months before he met my daughter, not wanting to bring someone new into her life if I couldn't see a future with him
. Not hiding anything at all about my boyfriend just know the ex has been known to "harass" mediators, my attorney, his attorney, and even court persons with phone calls etc.

 

[nana99]

How much information would you expect him to provide to you about anyone he's dating? That would seem an appropriate amount to give him.

I don't really know. The situation hasn't came up with him yet. He has my daughter around people all the time whom I have never met, but I don't question him about it. I guess I would like to think that when it comes to our daughter he will use his better judgement as to who he has around her. He lives in a type of community house that has weekly dinners with the house members, and these people spend more time with her than my bf. I guess it gets to a point where it becomes difficult as to what is enough information and what is him prying and wanting information that he doesn't need.

 

[mistoffolees]

There is nothing in our parenting plan that states anything about bf/gf situations.

Then there's your answer. He doesn't have to tell you anything.


HOWEVER, keep in mind that you both must have the child's best interests in mind. If you are dating someone who is a danger to the child, you could lose custody - and vice versa.

 

[CJane]

not wanting to bring someone new into her life if I couldn't see a future with him

Just as an aside (and GENERALLY speaking)... this has always struck me as strange.

Not that I just willy nilly drag men into my kids' lives, or even my own, for that matter -- but presumably you could "see a future" with your ex, right? Why would it be unhealthy for your daughter to witness you having a casual, semi-platonic but not "permanent" relationship? Wouldn't you hope that someday SHE would be capable of developing relationships with people without there being an "endgame" in sight?

/curiosity

You don't owe your ex any information at all from a legal standpoint. However, if it would create less conflict with him, and would not place your boyfriend in danger, I can't see withholding his name, perhaps phone number, probably address if you spend quite a lot of time at his home, etc.

 

[nana99]

Just as an aside (and GENERALLY speaking)... this has always struck me as strange.

Not that I just willy nilly drag men into my kids' lives, or even my own, for that matter -- but presumably you could "see a future" with your ex, right? Why would it be unhealthy for your daughter to witness you having a casual, semi-platonic but not "permanent" relationship? Wouldn't you hope that someday SHE would be capable of developing relationships with people without there being an "endgame" in sight?

/curiosity

You don't owe your ex any information at all from a legal standpoint. However, if it would create less conflict with him, and would not place your boyfriend in danger, I can't see withholding his name, perhaps phone number, probably address if you spend quite a lot of time at his home, etc.

You have a great point, I never thought of it that I may also be teaching her to develop relationships. I have allowed her to be introduced to all of my friends, just held back on introducing her to someone I was dating. Thank you so much for that perspective.

He does know my boyfriends name, but doesn't have phone numbers. That is purely because until the judge ordered him to stop calling me, he called me over 70 times in less than a month. So I guess it is more because I don't want my bf to have to deal with phone calls all the time. I normally go to his house once a week when my daughter is with her father. I don't know that he would be in danger but he would definately be in for phone calls and visits to his house

 

[CJane]

You have a great point, I never thought of it that I may also be teaching her to develop relationships. I have allowed her to be introduced to all of my friends, just held back on introducing her to someone I was dating. Thank you so much for that perspective.

Well, you're welcome. I just see so many people who say "NO WAY would I let a man/woman/whatever that I was dating anywhere NEAR my child until I'd run a background check and dated him for at least *insert arbitrary amount of time here*!!!!" I think it's odd. Because I'm 99% sure that those same people would not subject a non-potential-life-partner-friend to the same rigorous trials. Can you imagine making a friend at the office, thinking it'd be nice to have her up for dinner and a glass of wine and a chick flick, and refusing to even suggest it until you'd known her for 5 months because your daughter would be in the house?

He does know my boyfriends name, but doesn't have phone numbers. That is purely because until the judge ordered him to stop calling me, he called me over 70 times in less than a month. So I guess it is more because I don't want my bf to have to deal with phone calls all the time. I normally go to his house once a week when my daughter is with her father. I don't know that he would be in danger but he would definately be in for phone calls and visits to his house

Here's my take on that, since I'm apparently all about the personal sharing today...

If the BF can't handle the fact that you have a crazy ex, then he needs to step out now while the stepping is good. Because if there really is a "future" with this guy, he's going to have to learn how to put on his big boy panties and not expect you to protect him from the craziness that you invited into your life when you had a child with this other man.

My BF is well aware of the issues w/my ex and his wife -- we've been together almost 4 years (I've been divorced 6.5) and he's stuck through all the ridiculous drama and also learned not to try and direct my interactions with my ex. The BF before that? Not so much. He was ALL ABOUT trying to make ME responsible for my EX's behavior. Which obviously, I am not. And he jumped ship because he just wasn't cut out for dealing with an involved but difficult other parent to my children. *shrug* good riddance.

 

[nana99]

Then there's your answer. He doesn't have to tell you anything.


HOWEVER, keep in mind that you both must have the child's best interests in mind. If you are dating someone who is a danger to the child, you could lose custody - and vice versa.

I am sorry, I don't understand what you meant by he doesn't have to tell me anything, I wasn't asking him for information, he's asking me

Our original papers were from TN and stated that there was not to be any overnight visits with paramours, but it has all been moved to NH and the parenting plan from TN is now void. NH does not have the same laws of course so there is nothing about paramours and overnights. He even asked the mediator about it. I have never spent the night with anyone other than my parents with my daughter, so even that wasn't and isn't an issue.

 

[nana99]

Well, you're welcome. I just see so many people who say "NO WAY would I let a man/woman/whatever that I was dating anywhere NEAR my child until I'd run a background check and dated him for at least *insert arbitrary amount of time here*!!!!" I think it's odd. Because I'm 99% sure that those same people would not subject a non-potential-life-partner-friend to the same rigorous trials. Can you imagine making a friend at the office, thinking it'd be nice to have her up for dinner and a glass of wine and a chick flick, and refusing to even suggest it until you'd known her for 5 months because your daughter would be in the house?

That is too funny, I never thought about asking a friend over and saying "well before you come to my house, do you mind me running a background check on you?"

Here's my take on that, since I'm apparently all about the personal sharing today...

If the BF can't handle the fact that you have a crazy ex, then he needs to step out now while the stepping is good. Because if there really is a "future" with this guy, he's going to have to learn how to put on his big boy panties and not expect you to protect him from the craziness that you invited into your life when you had a child with this other man.

My BF is well aware of the issues w/my ex and his wife -- we've been together almost 4 years (I've been divorced 6.5) and he's stuck through all the ridiculous drama and also learned not to try and direct my interactions with my ex. The BF before that? Not so much. He was ALL ABOUT trying to make ME responsible for my EX's behavior. Which obviously, I am not. And he jumped ship because he just wasn't cut out for dealing with an involved but difficult other parent to my children. *shrug* good riddance.

MY boyfriend could probably handle my ex better than me just because he doesn't have a past with him. I could understand if we lived in the same house him having a house number of course, but don't feel the need to give him my boyfriends cell number, where he workds, when he works etc

 

[mistoffolees]

I am sorry, I don't understand what you meant by he doesn't have to tell me anything, I wasn't asking him for information, he's asking me

What is there to not understand? IT GOES BOTH WAYS.

Our original papers were from TN and stated that there was not to be any overnight visits with paramours, but it has all been moved to NH and the parenting plan from TN is now void. NH does not have the same laws of course so there is nothing about paramours and overnights. He even asked the mediator about it. I have never spent the night with anyone other than my parents with my daughter, so even that wasn't and isn't an issue.

Why would your parenting plan become void when you moved to NH? It doesn't matter if NH has a law about overnight guests or not (frankly, I doubt if TN does, either). You have a court ordered parenting plan that applies until the child becomes an adult or a new court-ordered plan takes its place. You are both bound by the parenting plan.

 

[stealth2]

Misto's right - you go by what the ORDER says, not state statute. The no paramour clause still applies.

So, if you wouldn't expect the ex to provide you with any info, don't provide any to him. But don't change your mind when he does get involved.

 

[haiku]

Interesting factoid about New Hampshire. WHen you domesticate your order there, they actually do use thier state laws for the parenting plan if you go back and change things to reflect your new living arrangments.

My husband order was domesticated there when they had issues with visitation and support and it became a New Hampshire parenting plan and child support order.

If our OP has this in front of her, I imagine its much like "ours"..... Its the standard http://www.courts.state.nh.us/forms/nhjb-2064-fs.pdf

 

[mistoffolees]

Interesting factoid about New Hampshire. WHen you domesticate your order there, they actually do use thier state laws for the parenting plan if you go back and change things to reflect your new living arrangments.

My husband order was domesticated there when they had issues with visitation and support and it became a New Hampshire parenting plan and child support order.

If our OP has this in front of her, I imagine its much like "ours"..... Its the standard http://www.courts.state.nh.us/forms/nhjb-2064-fs.pdf

But you have to actually go through the process to change it. NH parenting plans don't automatically apply just because you moved there.

AND, it's quite possible to have a 'no paramour' clause in the parenting plan anywhere if both parties agree to it. Just because it doesn't exist in the NH sample plan doesn't mean it couldn't be in their plan EVEN IF they had moved it to NH.