How much info must be given?

[CJane]

the kids get emotional attached to people they think are going to become a part of thier family, realistic or not. I do think people who are cautious about introducing thier kids to thier love interests are smart to err on the side of caution.

Ok, first of all, I didn't say one shouldn't be cautious. In fact, I thought I was clear that one SHOULD engage in discretion and caution.

I was simply (or so I thought) pointing out that we let ALL KINDS of people into our children's lives every day - that they may or may not become "emotionally attached to" (my son is utterly in love with his T-ball coach and "misses him like crazy" since the season ended). But we seem to treat the "significant other" like something that must be hidden from the children - or that the children must be hidden from for an arbitrary amount of time to be sure they're going to "stick around".

Maybe, instead of introducing a boyfriend or girlfriend as someone "who might become part of the family" from the get go (because we've already decided we can "see a future with them") children would suffer less emotionally if people were introduced to them as "Friends", and they were allowed to watch a relationship develop and grow and work out or not as is the natural course of things. Maybe not.

I don't think that's very weird. I dated my ex for 2-3 months before I ever met the kids or went into her house. I'm not eager to have anyone I date meet my daughter very quickly, either.

I never said "very quickly". In fact, I wasn't attempting to describe a time frame that I think is odd. It's the idea that you'd say "You cannot meet my children until I'm certain you'll be hanging around forever and ever" that's weird to me.

Why all that pressure on everything?

But then again... I've been with my BF for 4 years and while he's at my house almost every Tuesday night for "Family Dinner Night", and we spend time together on the weekends whether I have the girls or not, we still only see each other probably 3 times a week at the most. And rarely spend more than one night each week actually sleeping over at the other person's house.

He spends a LOT more time with my son... and has been heavily involved in HIS life since he was 8 months old.

However, prudence would suggest that your children would not be exposed to relationships until they have some level of significance.

That's what I don't get. Why would it be considered "bad" for a child to be "exposed" to a relationship where Mom or Dad sometimes goes out with someone for dinner or a movie? Presumably, the CHILD will eventually be dating, right? Do we really want them to think that every person they introduce to the family should be "significant", and they shouldn't "expose" the not as significant ones?

I'm certainly not suggesting bed-hopping, or dragging hordes of people through the house, or taking kids on dates with you. Of course not. But introducing someone to your kids? "Exposing" the kids to the idea that Mom or Dad is interested in someone that may or may not be a permanent addition to their lives? That's "imprudent"?

The biggest one is that most of the people your kids spend time with (teachers, bus drivers, scoutmasters, etc) have been pre-screened at some level.

Not in my world. Teachers, maybe. Not coaches, or scout leaders or bus drivers or librarians or club leaders or parent volunteers at school. And "we" all leave our kids unattended with them on a pretty regular basis.

There's also the matter of being at a public place. Most interactions occur in public-where the risk is lower than bringing someone into your home (or letting your kids go into someone else's home).

This is partially true. But there's a huge difference between what I said which is "Introduce the person" and "bringing someone into your home".

Another very large difference is the whole concept that this new romantic interest could "take the place" of mom or dad at some point. That by itself creates huge stresses and argues for being very careful. If your child has a mean teacher, they can deal with that. If you're dating someone that they see as a potential step-mom or step-dad and the person is mean or rude or arrogant, it sends a very negative message.

Which argues for finding out that the child feels that way about the person BEFORE "you" have decided that you want to be with them forever and ever, yes? Isn't there MORE pressure if kiddo can't stand "future step dad" than if kiddo can't stand "the guy mom sometimes goes out to dinner with"?

And my kids have never suffered from the delusion that anyone is going to "take the place" of Mom or Dad. Much to their step-mom's dismay. They're VERY clear on where people in their lives stand... and they know that StepMom and my BF (NOT future stepdad as even after 4 years there are no plans to "take the next step" and cohab or marry) are secondary players in the "family dynamic".

But then, maybe I'm just crazy.

 

[mistoffolees]

Not in my world. Teachers, maybe. Not coaches, or scout leaders or bus drivers or librarians or club leaders or parent volunteers at school. And "we" all leave our kids unattended with them on a pretty regular basis.

Wow. Must just be my daughter's school, then.

No one is allowed around the kids for activities without a criminal background check. Coaches, club leaders, even chaperones to school events all have to be checked - at their own expense - before their services are accepted.


I agree with you somewhat. People probably make too big a deal of it. My ex tried to get a clause in our agreement that I could never bring anyone I was dating around our daughter. That would have been absurd. I guess I'm just not comfortable introducing someone to my daughter until I"m convinced that she could be a positive influence. YMMV.


There is, of course, a practical benefit, as well. If I had a date come to the house and my daughter met her, even briefly, I'm sure my ex would be pumping her hard for information. This way, that's not an issue.

 

[CJane]

I guess I'm just not comfortable introducing someone to my daughter until I"m convinced that she could be a positive influence. YMMV.

And THAT is completely different. I completely agree with THAT.

But I do have men that I briefly dated, and whom I liked vary much, but did not develop a long term relationship with. And my kids have met them and understand that while we dated, and like each other very much, we just weren't "long term" material for whatever reason, but we're still good friends.

Seems healthy to me.

There is, of course, a practical benefit, as well. If I had a date come to the house and my daughter met her, even briefly, I'm sure my ex would be pumping her hard for information. This way, that's not an issue.

This is true.

 

[CourtClerk]

I don't think that's very weird. I dated my ex for 2-3 months before I ever met the kids or went into her house. I'm not eager to have anyone I date meet my daughter very quickly, either.

Hmmpph.... I've got you beat. My ex fiance didn't meet my child until we had been dating 2 years and he had PROPOSED. Never at my house when my child was there, didn't come in to pick me up when we went out if the kid was home, that part of my life and him were separate. Completely.

And yes CJane, every year the kid played sports, I ran background checks on every GM, the entire board of the league, every parent that may be part of the carpool, every coach on the team. I've not done the teachers at the school (except one I was suspicious about), but everyone else, including his friends' parents has been run at one point or another.

 

[mistoffolees]

And yes CJane, every year the kid played sports, I ran background checks on every GM, the entire board of the league, every parent that may be part of the carpool, every coach on the team. I've not done the teachers at the school (except one I was suspicious about), but everyone else, including his friends' parents has been run at one point or another.

Unfortunately, not very many people have the ability to do that.

 

[CourtClerk]

Unfortunately, not very many people have the ability to do that.

I know... call it an unlisted benefit.

 

[CJane]

Unfortunately, not very many people have the ability to do that.

And I'll say it again. A background check is only going to show you what people have been caught doing or what there is a paper trail for. I learned that one the hard way.

 

[nana99]

And I'll say it again. A background check is only going to show you what people have been caught doing or what there is a paper trail for. I learned that one the hard way.

I really know nothing about background records etc, but can't someone go to court and if they have charges on their record get some of them taken off their record? I have no idea if this is true or not, I have just heard people talking about getting things off their record. I guess if I had been arrested or something like that I might know these things.

 

[CJane]

I really know nothing about background records etc, but can't someone go to court and if they have charges on their record get some of them taken off their record? I have no idea if this is true or not, I have just heard people talking about getting things off their record. I guess if I had been arrested or something like that I might know these things.

Oh, sometimes "stuff" can be sealed. Or expunged. Or discharged. And some background checks are better than others. The one I have run on people gives 2 years worth of addresses, driver license #, employer, phone number(s) for the past 2 years, sometimes cell phone numbers, marital status (and sometimes the spouse's name) and any criminal history that would be available to the public.

And most people, including the person who has generated more fear in me than anyone else on the planet, and literally made me afraid to leave the house AND to stay in it? Absolutely spotless record.

 

[nana99]

Oh, sometimes "stuff" can be sealed. Or expunged. Or discharged. And some background checks are better than others. The one I have run on people gives 2 years worth of addresses, driver license #, employer, phone number(s) for the past 2 years, sometimes cell phone numbers, marital status (and sometimes the spouse's name) and any criminal history that would be available to the public.

And most people, including the person who has generated more fear in me than anyone else on the planet, and literally made me afraid to leave the house AND to stay in it? Absolutely spotless record.

Scary that the people we are most afraid of in life are the ones with a "clean" record, as you said before not having anything on their record doesn't mean they are completely innocent of any wrong doing, only that they haven't been caught.

Thank you again though for making me look at introducing a "date" to my daughter in any different way than I would a friend. I have thought a lot about it, but in my thinking I didn't want her to get attached to someone if they may not be around a long time, but life has no guarantees and we don't know how long any person is going to be in our childs life.