How much can mom interfere with parenting time?

[ra04152010]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TN

I have several questions. I will try to keep them short and plain.
Background: Father, two children 11 and 16. Get children every other weekend. Lost night visitation in January due to an emergency custody hearing. Ex accused children were not being fed and there was no food in the house. My father agreed the children could stay at their house at night they would make sure children were fed. Judge agreed. Turned top of parents garage into mini apartment so I could have uninterrupted visiation. Her lawyer said this was sufficient.

Recent: Got lawyer. Help depositions. Son testified there was food in the house and listed the type of food. Son testified as to when and what they were fed on the days I was accused of no feeding them. Ex fired lawyer.
Ex got new lawyer, there for new charges.

Current charges: #1 I am in contempt for staying in garage apartment at parents and not in the main house. Requesting I serve 10 days in jail per occurance. #2 I have been keeping children out too late at night. (I took children to my girlfriends house. We and her two children went to a double feature drive in on a saturday night. Got them back home around 1:00 a.m) #3 Allowed girlfriend to spend the night (She and her two daughters stayed the night twice so the girls could have a slumber party. She and the four girls stayed in the garage apartment, myself and my son stayed in the main house.) We are set to go to court in two weeks.

Question: Are any of these charges founded? Are any of the things I have done bad parenting? Is there any way to stop being drug into court every few months?

My Concerns: My son is constantly texting his mother when he is with me. He tells her everywhere we go, what we do, the times and places we eat, what people say. Ect.... these things come back on me in court.
1)Can I and should I keep him form bringing his cell phone to my house?
2)How much says does ex have in my parenting time?
3)For example Can my children and I stay at my girlfreinds house if we sleep in seperate rooms?
We live almost 2 hours apart and the kids like spending the weekend together doing family stuff.
4)Can we go camping if we stay in two different tents?

Mother does not tell me about Dr. Visits or ever surgerys untill they are over and she hands me a bill.
1) Is this normal procedure?

Opinion question: I signed the parenting agreement stating I would take my children to a Catholic church for mass every sunday. They are Catholic, I am not. I did not think this would be a big issue but If we miss a sunday I am served with contempt charges. We missed service when we were married and they miss them now. I want to be able to take them to a church of my choice. (they both go to catholic school and can attend mass every day if they want)
Should I try to get the order changed?
Should I change it now or wait till the other issues are resolved?
Am I being a bad parent for wanting to share a different religion with the children than the one they have currently been raised on?

Thank you for your comments and suggestionsWhat is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[mistoffolees]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TN

I have several questions. I will try to keep them short and plain.
Background: Father, two children 11 and 16. Get children every other weekend. Lost night visitation in January due to an emergency custody hearing. Ex accused children were not being fed and there was no food in the house. My father agreed the children could stay at their house at night they would make sure children were fed. Judge agreed. Turned top of parents garage into mini apartment so I could have uninterrupted visiation. Her lawyer said this was sufficient.

Recent: Got lawyer. Help depositions. Son testified there was food in the house and listed the type of food. Son testified as to when and what they were fed on the days I was accused of no feeding them. Ex fired lawyer.
Ex got new lawyer, there for new charges.

Current charges: #1 I am in contempt for staying in garage apartment at parents and not in the main house. Requesting I serve 10 days in jail per occurance. #2 I have been keeping children out too late at night. (I took children to my girlfriends house. We and her two children went to a double feature drive in on a saturday night. Got them back home around 1:00 a.m) #3 Allowed girlfriend to spend the night (She and her two daughters stayed the night twice so the girls could have a slumber party. She and the four girls stayed in the garage apartment, myself and my son stayed in the main house.) We are set to go to court in two weeks.

Question: Are any of these charges founded? Are any of the things I have done bad parenting?

1. What is the exact wording of the court order?
2. At ages 11 and 16, 1:00 am is probably not a serious matter, but I would try to avoid it and certainly not make a habit of it.
3. See below.

Is there any way to stop being drug into court every few months?

No. She can drag you into court any time she wants. If it becomes too abusive, you can ask for the court to order her to pay your legal expenses, but that's about it.

My Concerns: My son is constantly texting his mother when he is with me. He tells her everywhere we go, what we do, the times and places we eat, what people say. Ect.... these things come back on me in court.
1)Can I and should I keep him form bringing his cell phone to my house?
2)How much says does ex have in my parenting time?
3)For example Can my children and I stay at my girlfreinds house if we sleep in seperate rooms?
We live almost 2 hours apart and the kids like spending the weekend together doing family stuff.
4)Can we go camping if we stay in two different tents?

1. You can do that if you wish. There's no law that says you have to let your kids text on a cell phone. Be prepared for her to argue that you're interfering with her relationship with the son, but that won't hold water. Whether you SHOULD is a parenting issue best dealt with by talking to a counselor who knows the situation.
2. None - unless you let her or there is something in the court order. It is YOUR parenting time. You don't get to say what she does and vice versa. As long as you're not doing anything harmful to the kids or in violation of the court order, you're free to tell her to pound sand.
3 and 4. What does your divorce decree say? If it says you can't do it, then you can't. If it is silent on the issue, there is probably nothing she can do.

Mother does not tell me about Dr. Visits or ever surgerys untill they are over and she hands me a bill.
1) Is this normal procedure?

I don't think ANYTHING in this business is 'normal procedure', but that is certainly common when parents don't communicate. You can ask for a court order to be informed of doctors' visits, but that simply escalates things. Or, you can ask the doctor for the records. If there was significant surgery, she should have notified you if you have joint legal. Technically, she would be in contempt, but it probably wouldn't do you any good to pursue it.

You really need to sit down with her and find a way to work together for your kids' benefit.

Opinion question: I signed the parenting agreement stating I would take my children to a Catholic church for mass every sunday. They are Catholic, I am not. I did not think this would be a big issue but If we miss a sunday I am served with contempt charges. We missed service when we were married and they miss them now. I want to be able to take them to a church of my choice. (they both go to catholic school and can attend mass every day if they want)
Should I try to get the order changed?
Should I change it now or wait till the other issues are resolved?
Am I being a bad parent for wanting to share a different religion with the children than the one they have currently been raised on?

Thank you for your comments and suggestionsWhat is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

What is the exact wording of the decree? It is an order. If it says you have to take them to Catholic Mass every week, then you have to do so until you get it changed. Few courts are going to force you do do something like that, so getting it changed would typically not be a problem. But until it is changed, you have to do whatever the decree says you have to do.

 

[neopandora]

Misto has already given you some great advice but I'd like if you could to give us two other pieces of information to give you some further help:


1. The exact wording from the Court Order from January that seems to make you overnight visits supervised by your Father at his house. (It's seeming like maybe your dad was ordered to supervise visitation and she's claiming that the children are alone with you in the apartment, is that correct?) Please type the exact wording of that part of the January order.


2. On about Pages 5-6 or so of your Parenting Plan, there's going to be a section called "Major Decisions" with these headings: Educational Decisions; Non-Emergency Health Care; Religious Upbringing; and Extracurriculars. Each of those headings seperately will have a box checked that is either Mother, Father or Joint. Tell us exactly what each of those categories has checked.
Further answers regarding church and doctors visits will depend on what your answers are.

 

[sometwo]

3)For example Can my children and I stay at my girlfreinds house if we sleep in seperate rooms?
We live almost 2 hours apart and the kids like spending the weekend together doing family stuff.
4)Can we go camping if we stay in two different tents?

3 and 4. What does your divorce decree say? If it says you can't do it, then you can't. If it is silent on the issue, there is probably nothing she can do.

That is incorrect. TN doesn't like having your bf/gf living with you or under any inappropriate circumstances (like spending the night) when you have children. However if they were married it would be "forgiven" per say. It can and DOES affect custody/visitation in TN

 

[acmb05]

That is incorrect. TN doesn't like having your bf/gf living with you or under any inappropriate circumstances (like spending the night) when you have children. However if they were married it would be "forgiven" per say. It can and DOES affect custody/visitation in TN

You are correct they don't care for it, however unless ask for it and it is stated in the decree that it is forbidden there is nothing the court can or will do about it.

I see this come up at least 3 times a week in Sumner County alone

 

[neopandora]

You are correct they don't care for it, however unless ask for it and it is stated in the decree that it is forbidden there is nothing the court can or will do about it.

I see this come up at least 3 times a week in Sumner County alone

Agreed. My area (West of Davidson County) doesn't really have any problems with it unless specifically in the decree. Several areas of East TN don't seem to mind either. I will say Williamson County seems to care VERY much (but oddly not other counties in their same judicial district - even though same Judges so go figure).

Especially in OP's scenario where it appears gf is with the girls and he's with the boys during overnight. That doesn't seem inappropriate, especially on the camping trips in 2 seperate tents. However, it seems that OP's visitation is already restricted so this might not be the best time to throw other situations in the mix until that is straightened up.

 

[sometwo]

You are correct they don't care for it, however unless ask for it and it is stated in the decree that it is forbidden there is nothing the court can or will do about it.

I see this come up at least 3 times a week in Sumner County alone

I wouldn't bet on that.

It doesn't necessarily have to be in the degree for the court to care.

 

[ra04152010]

Re: To questions

I can not find any where in any of my papers where it mentions overnight visits of the opposite sex.

On the religion matter. I did give her the sole right to make their religious and educational decisions. That is something I would like to ammend, considering the restraints she is placing on me yet not abiding to herself.

She allows our daughter to spend the night with friends on the weekends. Could I do the same and allow my daughter to spend the night with my girlfriend's daughters? I have seen some post where dad's leave their children with someone else on thier visitation time and that causes problems. What is the difference in my allowing her to go to a friends house and her mother allowing her to go? This would of course after the restrictions are lifted from my visitation. Which leads to the thrid question:

The order simply states the children must spend the night at my parents home. " The home of Mr. and Mrs. XXX" It does not state they are responsible for my children or that they even have to be there. The distance from the main house door to the attached garage door is literly less that 8 child steps.

 

[stealth2]

Recent: Got lawyer. Help depositions. Son testified there was food in the house and listed the type of food. Son testified as to when and what they were fed on the days I was accused of no feeding them.

Whose idea was it to have your son testify? And is he the 11 or 16?

 

[mistoffolees]

I can not find any where in any of my papers where it mentions overnight visits of the opposite sex.

On the religion matter. I did give her the sole right to make their religious and educational decisions. That is something I would like to ammend, considering the restraints she is placing on me yet not abiding to herself.

She allows our daughter to spend the night with friends on the weekends. Could I do the same and allow my daughter to spend the night with my girlfriend's daughters? I have seen some post where dad's leave their children with someone else on thier visitation time and that causes problems. What is the difference in my allowing her to go to a friends house and her mother allowing her to go? This would of course after the restrictions are lifted from my visitation. Which leads to the thrid question:

The order simply states the children must spend the night at my parents home. " The home of Mr. and Mrs. XXX" It does not state they are responsible for my children or that they even have to be there. The distance from the main house door to the attached garage door is literly less that 8 child steps.

Religion. As of now, you're bound by the court order. Courts hesitate to get involved in religious matters, so if you had resisted, it would not have been forced upon you, but you agreed, so you're stuck with it. You should be able to get it changed - particularly since you're willing to let her make the religious decisions, you just don't want to take the kids to a Catholic Mass when they're with you.

There is nothing inherent in the system that prevents you from spending time with whoever you wish. Again, you agreed to limitations. You can request that they be eliminated, but it may not be trivial.

If the decree says the kids have to spend the night at the home of Mr. and Mrs. xxx and they're staying in an outbuilding that is not part of the main home, then it seems to me that you're in violation of the order. Of course, I think it's a silly order and I would ask for a modification, but unless I'm missing something, "the home of xxx" is not a separate building.

 

[neopandora]

I can not find any where in any of my papers where it mentions overnight visits of the opposite sex.

On the religion matter. I did give her the sole right to make their religious and educational decisions. That is something I would like to ammend, considering the restraints she is placing on me yet not abiding to herself.

She allows our daughter to spend the night with friends on the weekends. Could I do the same and allow my daughter to spend the night with my girlfriend's daughters? I have seen some post where dad's leave their children with someone else on thier visitation time and that causes problems. What is the difference in my allowing her to go to a friends house and her mother allowing her to go? This would of course after the restrictions are lifted from my visitation. Which leads to the thrid question:

The order simply states the children must spend the night at my parents home. " The home of Mr. and Mrs. XXX" It does not state they are responsible for my children or that they even have to be there. The distance from the main house door to the attached garage door is literly less that 8 child steps.

Wife has sole religious upbringing and educational decisions as the two of you agreed in the original parenting plan order and you agreed the children would attend mass every weekend. Check with your attorney but it is generally assumed, the parenting plan was made with the best interests of the children so you would have a hard time changing those issues at this point without them somehow being detrimental to the children (as in harmful).
The difference is she has sole decision making there (and do you have proof that your daughter is regularly not attending mass on weekends with their Mother?). I think if you allow her to miss church because she's spending the night with your girlfriend's daughter that it will backfire on you.

You didn't say who gets to make non-emergency health care decisions. That will let you know if she is to notify you of doctor visits. Surgeries - she should always let you know w/in 48 hours except in very rare circumstances.

As to if the apartment on the premises is considered your parent's home - your attorney would know your specific details better and tell you if he thinks that contempt has merit. Have you asked him if it is ok to stay in the apartment at your parent's home? If so, what did he say?

 

[neopandora]

Lost night visitation in January due to an emergency custody hearing. Ex accused children were not being fed and there was no food in the house. My father agreed the children could stay at their house at night they would make sure children were fed. Judge agreed. Turned top of parents garage into mini apartment so I could have uninterrupted visiation. Her lawyer said this was sufficient.QUOTE]

Your order may or may not say your parents have to supervise or even be there, but that contradicts the bolded. How else would your dad make sure they were fed, etc.?

 

[ra04152010]

RE son testifying

It was my lawyer's idea to depose him. This was the only way of proving her aligations were false. He is the 16 year old.

 

[mistoffolees]

Lost night visitation in January due to an emergency custody hearing. Ex accused children were not being fed and there was no food in the house. My father agreed the children could stay at their house at night they would make sure children were fed. Judge agreed. Turned top of parents garage into mini apartment so I could have uninterrupted visiation. Her lawyer said this was sufficient.

Your order may or may not say your parents have to supervise or even be there, but that contradicts the bolded. How else would your dad make sure they were fed, etc.?

Sorry, but that's not enforceable, anyway. The court can't order the grandfather to do anything. The only thing it can do is say that the father can only get the kids if someone else is willing to feed them (which is an incredibly stupid order, anyway).

This entire agreement was a mess. Then, to make matters worse, at least one parent is playing games.

 

[sometwo]

You said you have an attorney


Did you ask the attorney about these questions?

I'm pretty sure he would say something about the overnights things with opposite sex.

I didn't know about this "standard" either until my husband's attorney. We almost got married two months beforehand and just not told anyone (unless it came up in court ) and kept our regular wedding date. My stepson's mom got married after court one day.